crustydumpsterpossum - Tumblr blog

[crustydumpsterpossum]

But also.. like… why are they all so old? I’m sure some of them are secretly in the early stages of Alzheimers or dementia. Have they lost their sentience? Like.. is it a reversed version of when you finally get old enough to make memories?

I guess that’s Alzheimers probably, actually. I think that’s what I just tried to say.

I know I’m seventeen but like.

Can I sue the government? I think it needs to be sued. I think it just needs a little spanking, maybe, if not a time out while facing a corner. Maybe I’ll take away its president until it’s changed its attitude. Maybe I’ll even ground them from their bill-making while I’m at it.

[crustydumpsterpossum]

I know I’m seventeen but like.

Can I sue the government? I think it needs to be sued. I think it just needs a little spanking, maybe, if not a time out while facing a corner. Maybe I’ll take away its president until it’s changed its attitude. Maybe I’ll even ground them from their bill-making while I’m at it.

[crustydumpsterpossum]

I just realized that I haven’t ever seen nor read a Kaia x Clair fic, and I want to

Like pls I’m still a noob with ao3’s search I need to read a cute Clair and Kaia fic 😭

[crustydumpsterpossum]

Yall my ma randomly texted me, asked if I was okay, didn’t respond (don’t do that to someone with 24/7 anxiety, just as an aside), then after I spammed her she sent me photo proof of her buying three Hozier tickets for me, my best friend, and herself.

I’m going to scream ohmygod.

I’m never going to be normal again, am I?

[crustydumpsterpossum]

Do you remember how it once was? Being young and catching fireflies in the warm June night just to jar them and set them beside the bed, or maybe being young and waiting impatiently at a distant cousins birthday for the piñata to be brought out.

Maybe you can even recall the glow in the dark stars that were stuck on the walls or the ceiling of your childhood bedroom, and maybe, if you remember hard enough, you can hear the way that some would fall in the night to the floor.

Remember the first time you ever climbed a tree, the times you went so fast on the merry-go-round in that now forgotten park that you felt dizzy when you got off, the caterpillars you took from milkweed stalks to keep inside and watch blossom, or searching endlessly for mudskippers or salamanders by a small creek?

It’s nostalgic, isn’t it? To remember the little things that happened, the parts that didn’t hurt you or make you cry. The quiet and meaningful in-between memories that come before losing your childhood dog and starting 5th grade.

[crustydumpsterpossum]

I saw a picture of me from when I was a child on my mother’s timeline today.

It kinda hurt bc I realized me and that little kid still have the same freckles and the same unnamable pain.

[crustydumpsterpossum]

I really like to think that Cas was a little bit of a jealous bitch when he found himself on a trip with Benny and Dean in purgatory.

Like he’s all: “Oh! Look at that, Dean got information out of creatures who have been here for all of eternity just to find me.”

And then he sees Benny and he’s just like: “This mf better not have touched my man.”

[crustydumpsterpossum]

“Last Night I Knew What to Say, But You Weren’t There to Hear it.”;

The words were forming on Dean’s tongue before he even knew it, a pain so raw erupting his chest and damn near every part of his body, and he confided in that empty room everything he had ever wanted to say to Cas. The next moment he was in Baby with nothing but a wide stretch of road. He doesn’t remember getting up.

“I Felt You Leaving Even Before You Did”;

Dean sits in silence, his hands stuck on the wheel of Baby and his head swarming with thoughts. There’s this frayed string of loneliness inside of him, and it’s becoming increasingly obvious that the strands are breaking currently.

“Nothing Kills Like a Life You Didn’t Live”;

Dean sits where he is, hands moving from the wheel to turn Baby’s stereo low enough for him to hear the frogs chirping and the leaves on the trees rustling silently. He imagines Cas sitting beside him and talking about why the frogs make those sounds. Dean is up and out of the car, and standing on the side of the road before he can think too much about it.

“I Look For You in The Stars But The Sky Looks Empty From Where I’m Standing.”;

He tilts back against the doors, the cold of the metal seeping through his clothes and drowning his bones in its chill. His chin is turned up and his eyes are turned up to the sky. Dean doesn’t like how unfamiliar it feels not to have somebody beside him telling him about how the stars came to be. He doesn’t like that the clouds are covering the sky.

“I loved him. Shit. I loved him.”

He tries to ignore that the words come out in past tense.

[crustydumpsterpossum]

Ok so I recently learned (correct me if I’m wrong) that Dean has canonically taken part in an orgy with Crowley. Of course we’re talking about Demon!Dean here, but for with this knowledge, I have many big feelings. Like— Dean, when he wasn’t all demon-ified, was “straight” (REAL BIG “____” THERE), but when he was Demon!Dean, he had an orgy with a man (or a demon in a man skin-suit, but we all get the jist).

So, Dean, all in all, is portraying himself as the token straight man. When he’s out, he molds himself into his womanizer, and he swoons damn near any woman that he has eyes for, or has eyes for him. He’ll see a pretty lady, and he’ll decide that she is what he wants to put some time into, and he’ll peruse her. He orders manly drinks when he’s out at bars, he wears manly clothes and says manly things. He lowers his voice when he’s talking to other guys, or guys that he believes to be important, because he subconsciously wants to act more like a man. He probably wears some good, woody cologne. He nurses his ego when it’s bruised by driving off in his hot car and saying gruff things and acting big, and scary. Maybe he’ll have a little lapse in judgement when he drinks a little too much, and he’ll get a little overly friendly with a guy, and when he remembers how he acted the night before when he wakes up, he’ll brush it off by thinking things like “Well he looked pretty feminine”, or, “The lights were dim in there”, or even, “I was drunk, I must’ve blacked out.” And when he helps his friend flirt with a guy to get into a place she shouldn’t be in, he’ll explain that as just knowing what a guy likes to hear, because he’s a guy.

But then, we have Demon!Dean! In this version of Dean, we’re seeing him without any impulse control, without any care about morals, ideals, worries, guards, and without the defense strategies that say “I’m-a-straight-man”. This version of Dean isn’t afraid to meet the eyes of a cute guy across the bar, or act a little sassy when he’s feeling himself. This version of Dean is taking what he wants, when he wants it, and he doesn’t care what other people think of it because his soul has been corrupted. He is getting what he wants. And if canonically he has this orgy with Crowley, we’re seeing him take part in sexual acts with/or/around other men. He doesn’t care that he’s partaking in homosexual acts, because he can’t care, and that is just what he wants. Key word being want. This means that this is something that Dean, just normal, not-demon Dean, wants, but is something he is not allowing himself to have. This is something Dean has thought about, something that Dean had/has actively wanted/wants. This is Dean acting on things he never allowed himself to have (read: never allowed himself to want), because he no longer has that shield up in his head keeping him from acting on that.

[crustydumpsterpossum]

Dean sits in his room, his hands worn and scarred in at the knuckles from where he hit on the dungeon walls all those weeks ago. The cassette that he made him is on its second loop today, and Dean tries not to think about who it says it’s addressed to on the side. He twists the cord of the headphones between the pads of his thumb and index finger, and he tries hard not to think about it.

Chuck. Chuck had said that he was controlling them, that everything they ever were was made up of his own plans; that they were his little puppets. Dean had thought about that a lot, during times when he allowed himself to think about anything other than their big bad. Had everything from his childhood been preplanned; were Mary and John just pieces in Chuck’s story as much as Sam and Dean were? Were any of the people he loved truly real? Were the feelings he had for them his own?

And Dean tries to shut off that train of thought, because he knows where it leads, and he hasn’t allowed himself to get lead there yet. But he accidentally looked at the label he put on the cassette, and the name on it, and the double ‘x’s he put beside that name—

And Cas had said they were real.

Cas had looked at him, and in that inbetween time of impending danger and safety, Cas had told them he was real. That they were real. Everything about them— Cas abandoning Heaven for him, Cas rebelling, Cas making a rebellion (even though that isn’t directly because of him)— was real. And that’s somewhat comforting, to know that at last one thing about his shitty life wasn’t decided by some higher power. Cas sacrificing himself for him was real, even if he hated it. But now there’s nobody to keep the plot going, a.k.a, there’s no one to bring Cas back again. And that’s where the comfort stops being so comforting.

Dean may now be free, he can live his life without being lead through it by some dickwad of a God, but Cas leaving was real. The times before, he was brought back, he came back. Was that Chuck’s doing? If it was, how would they get him back this time? It this is real now, can they even get him back?

And Dean mopes around for a few extra weeks when he realized that. But he realized something else, too. Even if Chuck had been the one to decide that Cas would be brought back, and even if he’s gone now, Dean can make that choice. Dean can bring him back, because he’s real and he can make real decisions now. He and Cas were real. And he wants to be real with Cas again.

[crustydumpsterpossum]

Yall remember that episode (I don’t think I even have to state which one, but just to be sure, s5 ep13, “The Song Remains the Same”) where Dean and Sam go back in time to locate Mary and John ends up being there too?

Anywho, can I just blab about when the door opens and they see, not just Mary, but John too?

I’m gonna blab anyway.

Like Sam and Dean and the insane differences between their reactions is something I (way too often) think about. Like on one end there’s Sam, who like immediately loosens. If I remember correctly, that is, he literally kind of deflates. I mean yes, he’s seeing his mother who he doesn’t even have memories of because he was so young, albeit before she had him or Dean, and that probably has something to do with it. But that’s also the difference I’m talking about. He probably see’s both of his parents, happy and youthful and is seeing them before one was gone and one was lost, and is just taking it all in. He sees his dad in a way he hasn’t ever seen him, clear headed, smiling, without a bottle in hand or without a case to send Dean on or tow them around for. He just see’s that John, not John after he lost Mary. He sees a dad who hasn’t done any wrong yet, a dad who didn’t make him feel like he had to run off. He’s relaxed, he’s loose; he’s probably shocked and slightly excited. Maybe he has a lapse and gets a little upset, but it’s short lived. Plus, Sam hasn’t ever really seen John as his worst, truthfully. Dean probably took care of all of that hard stuff; pulling John into the couch after another bender, rolling him on his side just incase he decides to choke on his puke. Dean also, most likely at least imo, always took the brunt of his father’s anger or short temperament, just for the sake of Sam being allowed to have as much of a normal childhood as he could.

Then there’s Dean:

The moment that door opens and he see’s John, he straitens his back and puffs out his chest and ducks his chin, like a soldier is taught to do, and presents himself as strongly and as uniformly as he can. He doesn’t give himself time to say Hello to Mary, can’t do so without subconsciously seeking an appraising look or a nod, or a wave of a hand; he wants to be dismissed, wants to be acknowledged as he used to be, as a good soldier with a good masculine stance, to be cleared. It’s an immediate movement, a learned flip of a switch. Its muscle memory, to present as something solid. Perhaps to be saved from a harsh stare or an emasculating retort. He needs to be as John as conditioned him. Unlike Sam, Dean has seen Mary before. He’s gotten to know her more throughout the times some random angel or even Cas shot him back here, but it’s still his mother. The mother who he lost, the one who ruined his father, and he still doesn’t allow himself to greet her when in the presence of John.

… when I start doing this I know I’m relapsing on writing another unpublished fic.

[crustydumpsterpossum]

oh this poor, adorable, sweet summer child.

oh how I love him.

Stackednatural- 107/327

Optimism (14x06) November 15th, 2018

[crustydumpsterpossum]

So i got my boyfriend into spn, and he’s currently on s10

BUT…

Within the first few episodes where Cas is introduced and him and Dean are in the same episodes, he FaceTimed me and said:

“Are Dean and Castiel gonna end up together?”

and, following it when i sadly said no, he continued to say:

“They seem really gay for eachother.”

[crustydumpsterpossum]

On this faithful day I have opened tumblr and keep seeing peoples ideas/hc’s on deans not-so-much-coming-out but still coming out and I’m here for it.

[also, imo, I think Dean is definitely someone who never came out, BUT, he has at some point come to terms with his sexuality. He understands that he likes men as he likes women, maybe even likes men a little more so now, but whatever. But still, even if he understands who he is and he’s come to terms with it, his entire life he’s been inclined to believe that if or when he comes out, he’ll be ostracized or even hated because of it. And yeah, he understands that nobody would do that to him, he’s surrounded himself with people who would support him 100%, but that fear doesn’t just go away. And, in a way, he assumed people just.. knew. So no, Dean probably won’t do a big coming out, and if he does, it’s on accident and it’s because he was talking about a cute boy he saw in a bar that one time. And that would be it, that would be the end of the talk (but if Charlie were there, we all know she’d try to drag him to a gay bar). Dean knows who he is, and everybody has come to learn to know that too, and he’s comfortable with that.]

Anywho—

[crustydumpsterpossum]

Someday you’ll find yourself in your bed, half asleep, reaching out for the other sleeping body beside you because you finally allowed yourself to reach for them. One day, you allowed a very small piece of you to hope for something because you wanted to believe you deserved it.

You listened to the feeling inside of you, something painfully akin to an empty stomach hoping to be filled with something heavy and good, and allowed yourself to want more. You gave yourself the chance to want something, and in the end what you sought out had been following your trail for longer than you had ever expected.

And now you get to wrap a limp arm around that warm body beside you and curl into it, finding that each part of you fit in with them like a lost puzzle piece, and little by little you find this other half of yourself that you didn’t even know was lost. And it becomes a salve for things you didn’t imagine to be able to be fixed, things that bled like an open wound without a tourniquet. And their presence mends those burnt parts, their laughs becoming sutures.

And goddamn it, you got this because you deserved to want it. You got this because you managed to wait, and you figured out how to let yourself be vulnerable. And it’s wonderful. And it’s warm, and it’s gooey and cheesy, and very Hallmark-esk, but it’s yours.

[crustydumpsterpossum]

Why are we sleeping on Benny.

I love Benny. L o v e

Like yes, come over here you big bear of a vamp n call me “Sugar”

[crustydumpsterpossum]

Me finishing that destiel fic: “Damnit, now what.”

The notebook on the nightstand with three pages of Destiel fics: “Are you fucking kidding me right now?”