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if you’re not living so that men would have wanted to burn you at the stake in 1692 then what’s the point

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Took this picture of two lovely friends of mine, one of the last days I spent in my hometown. Looking at this now makes me feel warm and honored; because even if it was just for a second, even if it was just for the time of a picture, I’ve been part of something so big and beautiful as their love. - Palermo, Italy  January 5. 2015.

Paolo Raeli more from me on Instagram | Facebook | Website

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i need *bangs fist on table* intimacy

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My favorite winter activity is staying inside in my pyjamas and being antisocial.

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On telling you the truth

January 22nd 2019

You later said, that you knew what was going to happen, right after I sent you the ‘we need to talk’ message. Funny thing, I didn’t know it myself then. I spent three days trying to list everything I wanted you to know. At first, it wasn’t even a list - more like a chaotic stream of consciousness.

Then I decided to keep it simple and precise: I have issues with closeness in relationships, I consider our relationship close, hence I feel nervous and uncomfortable. I think it’s mainly because I can’t control anything and don’t know, where we’re going. Almost mathematically logical and straightforward, right? And on top of that, ‘I don’t expect you to do anything about it, I just want you to know, so I wouldn’t need to pretend I was fine’.

You looked at me puzzled and said, ‘I don’t understand a word of what you’ve just said’.

Well, no wonder. It was my original intent to tell you as much as possible without actually telling you the truth. I don’t know, what I was expecting, but you asked for an explanation and I panicked. I backed off and denied everything I’d just said. ‘It’s nothing, never mind’.

But you insisted on keeping our conversation going and asked for a few minutes to think. It was hell, dear. I managed to memorize every bottle on the shelf behind you. And we were in a very well-equipped pub.

‘I understand that we’re talking about feelings, right?’, you finally said and my heart suddenly dropped.

So you knew. You somehow managed to understand, what I wanted to say. Now you know I’m immensely stupid. That’s a relief.

‘You know that you’re a very close person to me’, you started again after another pause. I expected that you would follow with: ‘...but I treat you as a friend’, but it never happened.

‘And I, too, don’t know what I’m doing. I’m afraid there is no scenario for such things’, you added and our eyes finally managed to meet for a moment. ‘I knew that I had feelings for you for... a while now. But I decided to never act on them, so I wouldn’t hurt you’.

I suddenly felt calm for the first time in weeks. My future was still unclear, but at least it was future with knowledge, that someone deeply cared about me.

‘It’s so cliché!’, I said laughing.

‘Oh my god, it’s the worst!’, you were laughing with me now.

The mentor-mentée thing. The ‘only girl in a team’ thing. The ‘young employee and her superior’ thing. Tale as old as time. We’re not even special.

‘Maybe it doesn’t change anything, but it’s good to know’, you said at the end and I couldn’t agree more.

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Rosy (2018)

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La Perla 90s

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via weheartit

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current mood: trying not to think I’m a failure because I’m not acing at the university like all of my friends

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This sad monet when you realize that your personality is just self deprecating humor and sarcasm so you no idea of how to actually express your feelings anymore

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there are people you haven’t met yet who will love you

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me in jeans and a bra: wow what a look

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On having anxiety in front of you

January 15th 2019

So you’re sitting with me in the kitchen, drinking tea and being the sweetest person I know. It’s me, who wanted to come here, so now I feel somehow responsible for keeping our conversation going. You see, I don’t feel well. It’s definitely not the first time that I’m telling you this, but today is uniquely terrible. It’s been almost a year since the last time I felt so anxious, exhausted, hopeless, and helpless. For the last three months I even believed I was cured. Funny, right? Now I’m sitting here, trying to breathe and cry for help.

God, you know what frightens me the most?  That I’m oversharing. That the time will come, when you’ll find this silly girl in front of you sick and tiring.

We’ve been sitting in silence for a while now, so I’m breaking it with the most idiotic remark: “I wonder how it is that people feel so awkward just sitting together quietly”. And what I really mean is: “I’m terrified by the fact, that I’m getting more and more comfortable with you. If I only stayed quiet for a moment, I would be overwhelmed by the intimacy”. You answer like you heard my thoughts: “It’s not awkward at all, when you’re with people who make you feel comfortable”. So we stay like this for a couple of minutes, until I cowardly retreat to my desk.