cryptidcodex

[cryptidcodex]

Drawing of our head mate Brazzos

[cryptidcodex]

Doing a little YCH and opening my comms to try and get my dental bills paid.

Google form for Ghosties:

And my Kofi goal for said bills:

I would never ask for such an insane amount of money without proof and telling the story of why. The amount of shock I was in when I received this estimate was overwhelming. So what is wrong with my teeth exactly? Every single tooth has at least one cavity. Most of them are near my gum line. Many teeth, especially my molars, have had pieces break off from decay. Two of the crowns I did have fell off roughly a year ago, which I documented and cried about on my Facebook page. I've had two extractions, and they need bridges to keep the teeth from growing together and causing more damage.

CW below cut: Medical neglect

How did we get here? Well, the tldr is medical neglect. The long answer, is that I was raised in awful conditions. I wasn't taught how to brush, and until I was 8, had never seen a dentist. I struggled for many years, and still do, with trying to keep on that habit. I also used to vomit a lot as a kid. We still to this day have no idea why. It went away around middle school, but I would go home from this at least once a month, though often more.

By the time I reached high school, I was extremely malnourished and underweight, and I learned to use soda to suppress my hunger and keep me awake because I could usually talk my friends into getting me one or just shoplift. I was drinking about 4L of Dr. Pepper a day. Then when I was a sophomore, my mother thought getting me braces was smart. Which, yeah I did need them. But I'm sure you can imagine how bad this was.

By the time I got them off my senior year, the estimate for my dental treatment was 5k. I was freshly 18, a few months from graduating with no insurance and was homeless, so that wasn't happening. So I've had to just let it sit. Medicaid helped for a bit, but they don't cover fillings once you turn 21, which I didn't know.

Hence the extractions, which they do cover. I finally have dental insurance now at 24, but it doesn't cover a lot. I've already accepted I'll probably have dentures by the time I'm 40, but the longer I can hold onto my teeth, the better.

[cryptidcodex]

Why I Refuse To Participate In Respectability

I will never work for someone who gets their panties in a wad over hearing me say the word fuck. I won't work for someone who's upright and prissy about “professionalism” no matter what my position is. Generally when I tell people this, especially to older people, they laugh and are just like “good luck with that”. As if they think I'm going to get some sort of reality check in the future. 

Really what it is, is I've already spent enough time working for those types of people to know that that is not how I want to spend the rest of my life. I have far more experience with high class aristocratic assholes than any of those middle class boomers laughing at me could ever imagine. And frankly, it's not worth my time and energy. 

When I was 15, I was nominated for a scholarship program for a fairly well known not for profit. This meant I was their poster child for the next four ish years. My picture is probably still hanging in the hallway to this day, unless some new exploited teens has replaced it in recent years. I will try not to give away too many details of who I was doing this work for because I don't feel like stirring up a controversy and getting a cease and desist. 

While in the program, I was monitored constantly and trained on respectability. Always dress well, always speak well. Always be the one to initiate conversation. Make eye contact, smile. Don’t curse, don’t talk about morbid or risque topics. Even when just out running errands, you never knew who would recognize you in public. Always be on your best behavior. Always behave in a way that was respectable to others so you didn’t lose everything. When I entered the program they had me sign a contract dictating what I could and could not do while being the face of their charity, and it was extensive.

I also grew up in a small town, which meant that being in newspapers and having my picture plastered everywhere got me recognized far more often than I was comfortable with. I was never allowed to just exist as a teenager and do stupid teenager things, or I could risk losing my scholarship. Hell, when my parents found out I was sleeping with one of my boyfriends they tried to use it to sabotage said scholarship and get me in trouble. Fortunately, the staff member they told was already aware of my delinquent background and was on my side and kept it to himself.

The first big hurdle in this program was attending and speaking at all of their large charity events. My first speech was in front of 1,200 people. Then I spent the next four hours straight on my feet, in heels and a suit, rubbing elbows with all the board members and rich people. I met the governor and our state senator. I met the CEO of the local bank. I met many military members and heads of companies, so many names and faces my head was spinning.  

For the next phase, we went bigger. I flew to Dallas Texas. While there, I met more politicians, more rich people. I was taught how to eat with fancy silverware sets, and I was expected to hold conversations with all these people and get them to like me. Then I gave my speech in a large ballroom full of 20,000 people.

As a “reward”, a few months later I was flown to Atlanta for a leadership conference. Got to meet representatives from disney and several other important people that I frankly just don’t remember anymore. We were given fun activities to do to “have fun and relax” but me and the other teens from the other branches were all still being closely monitored and still on our best behaviour. It was honestly exhausting.

There’s honestly a lot here I’m probably glossing over because this was almost six years ago now. One of my biggest takeaways while in the program though:

It was all superficial. It honestly infuriated me how many other kids needed that program just as much, if not more than me. They at least needed the scholarship money. But most teens, and especially neglected and impoverished teens, can’t sit there and be a dancing monkey for a bunch of rich assholes while also struggling to survive. A lot of those kids had behavioral problems that would take years of therapy to fix, and it wasn’t their fault. They deserved all the same opportunities I got, but they couldn’t “behave themselves”.

Not to mention I was 100% being exploited, and the constant paranoia of being recognized and judged wherever I went was the biggest factor in why, as soon as I was out of the program, I didn’t leave my house for the next two years. I had behavioral problems too, and I wasn’t allowed to even be traumatized, let alone appropriately express it and heal from it, if it wasn’t a tearful speech for the camera. If it didn’t match their definition of “appropriate healing”, it would get me in trouble. 

As soon as I disappeared from the spotlight, no one checked on me. No one supported me. No one asked how I was doing or offered to help with gas money or food. Not my mentors, not my so-called friends. So my next take away was that the connections formed through this respectability bullshit are inconsequential and replaceable. The only time I’ve heard from any of those people since is if they needed something from me. Business opportunity, needed me to write a piece for their publication, etc. My whole speech and the essays I wrote were about the ongoing abuse and poverty I was experiencing, but it only mattered when it made them money.

Ultimately this is why I don’t trust charities and not for profits, and this is why I don’t believe in respectability. The best connections I’ve made both inside business and out have been ones where I can cuss in front of the person or make a morbid joke, and they at least shrug it off if not laugh. We’re not monkeys in a circus, and I’m not performing for anyone thank you. 

My resume is shining and sparkly thanks to this experience, so I can afford to be picky. That and I know my rights as a worker and how to haggle. So I guess I’ll give the charity that much.

[cryptidcodex]

shows where fat characters get attractive makeovers by losing weight I hate you forever and your character is mine and will now have an extra 20 pounds

[cryptidcodex]

Seeing shit that completely rewrites recent online trans history makes me so frustrated because I was there!!!!!!

Like what do you mean "theyfab was coined by frustrated transfems to express their frustration with transmisogynist nonbinary people"???? I was literally getting called a transtrender theyfab by 4channers as a 15 year old in 2013 because I was a feminine nonbinary kid with a dyed undercut??? In 2016 I was a shithead 18 year old that hated itself and was calling other trans people transtrender theyfabs to try and validate myself????????

It's literally a term born out of misogyny and the idea that feminine nonbinary people who were afab are faking being trans???????????

I didn't escape the depths of 2010's transmedicalism in my early 20's and start dedicating my time towards trying to repair the damage I and others caused just for y'all to completely rewrite that history to try and justify your own hatred of other trans people 😭

[cryptidcodex]

just a reminder

any aids of any sort from speech aids to mobility aids to whatever aids you need are allowed

no matter how “bad” your situation is or isn’t if it will help you in some capacity you’re allowed to use it

even if you use it rarely

even if you look completely abled aside from your aids

even if you’re plus size

even if your disability is “your fault”

No matter WHAT it’s allowed, ok, and encouraged

have a wonderful day friends, take care of yourselves!!

/gen

[cryptidcodex]

Been thinking today about pokemon polyamory and how frustrating it is to see people who are new to polyamory get hurt by these people taking advantage of ignorance.

If you're unaware, here's the video explaining pokemon polyamory:

Some people can handle 6+ partners. But if you're not communicating with your partners, setting expectations and giving them the attention they need and deserve, it's cheating. You're hurting people. And that cycle will continue indefinitely until you do something about it.

Leanna mentions in the video cis males, but the amount of trans people I've seen doing this is honestly unreal too. So don't let someone use their queer identity to distance themselves from accountability.

I'm newer to polyamory myself, and as much as I'd like to go crazy and have five or six partners and really explore the freedom of relationship anarchy, I know what my limits are, and am not willing to play with other people's emotions in the name of my "freedom". I'm tapped out at two partners.

That may change as I get older and my responsibilities shift. But even then my max will only ever be four.

Polyamory isn't about "how big can I make my polycule". Its not about speed running relationships or sex. Polyamory is about giving yourself the freedom to love openly without the shackles of toxic monogamy culture.

"But Cryptid, how do I figure out my limits and respect my partners while still exploring and respecting myself as well?" Good question! The first thing you should do is figure out what a romantic relationship means to you. Write it down.

Then anytime you're interested in someone, compare those definitions. If they're different, are you willing to change what you expect for that person? Is there a compromise? If not, you're incompatible. Which means the responsible thing to do is to move on.

For me, I like very deep intimate, soul bonding type relationships. Which is part of why my max is so low, because those connections take a long time to build and a lot of attention to healthily maintain. Even in polyamory, I date for a spiritual marriage. I am pagan, so that looks different from a traditional marriage, but I want all of my partners to be lifelong.

I also am a workaholic and a social butterfly. I love making friends. Which means that, reasonably, there is no way in hell I can divide my time fairly amongst so many partners.

Polyamory isn't for the faint of heart. It takes a lot of self awareness and shadow work. Its not just some fun side hobby. Whether you date more casually or more intimately like me, you need to be aware of the emotions and needs of the people you're engaging with, and take responsibility for how easy it is to cause hurt in these dynamics.

Communicate. What are your expectations of your partner? Of yourself? What is your goal for the future of your relationship? How much do you want to know about your partners other relationships? How much do you want to witness of your partners other relationships? Do they agree and feel the same? How much do you struggle with jealousy? Are any of these things subject to change?

And above all else, I encourage all polyamorous people: get a therapist. Whether you think you need it or not, you should be doing trauma work and self reflection. Even if you're monogamous this is important, but when you're polyamorous you're not just hurting one partner. You hurt every single partner you have if you don't do this work.

I'm sure I'll think of more to rant about on this topic after I hit post, but it's been on my mind a lot lately cause I'm so tired of watching people take advantage of the fletchlings in the polyamorous community.

[cryptidcodex]

Just passing by to let everyone know that this blog is pro endo and safe for endogenic systems. I do not support anti endogenic views nor do I have the energy to engage in that.

I don't care if you believe that endogenic systems existing is against medicine/reality.

I don't care if you had traumatic experiences with endogenic systems.

I don't care if you think endogenic systems are making DID/OSDD look like a joke (let's be honest, you could be diagnosed and still be accused of faking being a system).

I don't care if you think every single system must suffer forever for existing unless they aim towards becoming a singlet.

I don't care if you believe that anti-endos should be allowed to voice their opinions and debate the existence of endogenic systems because that's their "right". You want to listen to their words? Then do so FAR AWAY FROM ME.

I also don't care if you're a double/sourcemate feeling uncomfortable by my views on the matter either. Block me if that bothers you so much.

Basically, I won't allow you to have any argument or excuse to have anti-endo views. I do not support that and don't even want to discuss the topic. A person's existence is never a topic for debate.

I hope that you are mature enough to know when to scroll down or block instead of, you know, arguing with someone who does not consent to that.

[cryptidcodex]

[THIS USER UNDERSTANDS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN DOM/SUB AND TOP/BOTTOM]

[cryptidcodex]

This just in

[cryptidcodex]

This this this. Functional multiplicity is possible. This determination to remain miserable is what lead my parent system to revictimize themselves and neglect me and my siblings.

You're not hopeless. You can have a life worth living. Please, it is possible to be safe and happy.

Can we stop with the "DID ruins your life" narrative. It's the way people treat those with DID that ruins lives. This is FIXABLE it's not some universal law.

Abuse and trauma are hard to live with and overcome but not impossible. I know it's hard but jfc you people are professionals at making yourselves and everyone around you even more miserable tbh. Go outside.

[cryptidcodex]

Don't mind me while I try to remember how to use Tumblr for a minute lmao

Since VRchat is inundated with anti Endo bs, I made a pro endo group. I'm gonna slowly creep in Endo positivity in every little corner of the internet I can, because fuck you

Come join :3

[cryptidcodex]

Since VRchat is inundated with anti Endo bs, I made a pro endo group. I'm gonna slowly creep in Endo positivity in every little corner of the internet I can, because fuck you

Come join :3

[cryptidcodex]

I use templates and stuff all the time cause I don't caaarrreee

anytime I see blinkie/userbox posts tagged as "anti endo" or saying "ENDOS DO NOT USE," i can't help but think about those kinds of people who get pissed at anything with rainbows on it because they think its gay.

like okay, i realize you're a mean-spirited person who hates anyone that doesn't fit your box of "normal." but you won't stop me, im still gonna use the blinkie/userbox if I like it. what are you gonna do? sue me for liking something?

[cryptidcodex]

I love seeing art that's inclusive of trans men like myself. Trans meds are ableist, classist dick wads.

i know people hate that I draw my fursona with huge hips and breasts but it has given other trans men encouragement to just be themselves and that matters. no matter how much hate I get from transmeds or transphobes I honestly keep going not for myself but for the boys who need to know it's ok to be fat and curvy and have a large chest. that is ok.

if I saw the art I made when I was younger I would have embraced myself faster

[cryptidcodex]

pupgender (aka doggender) flag redesign since the most commonly used flag's creator ive heard is unfortunatley anti endo (kandipaws on twiiter/ aka elongated muskrat's hellsite made the og flag but ive read though their dni and they had endogenic systems & tulpas, so i had to redesign the flag due to this reason of them being anti endo.)

[id: a 6 striped flag consisting of dark brown, lighter brown, very light yellow, yellow, orange & red. there is also a dog face symbol on the 1st image in dark grey 2nd image is a blank version without the dog head symbol.]

[cryptidcodex]

Being an unintentionally created system is wild like wdym i started daydreaming and roleplaying with me myself and i years ago before i even heard of what a system was which led to this