curs3dn0va

[curs3dn0va]

[curs3dn0va]

My willpower is weak!!

[curs3dn0va]

Trigger warning: medical issues, sappy relationship stuff.

Dear reader, I am so sorry for abandoning you for such a long time, but I'm also ADHD (I know, I got stuck with the unholy trinity Autism, ADHD, and BPD) so I kinda forgot and, even tho I do have more harrowing lore to drop, I kinda decided to save the worst for the vent notebook.

So the updates are: My mom was able to get me a ring that I gave Bitch back when we talked, and she gave it up and told my mom that I could pick up my stuff whenever.

The second update is that it turns out my boyfriend's friends knew about me from high school, from my ex and his gf C too. It's surprising to me that they didn't heed my bad name and forbade my bf from coming near me, but I'm glad they gave me a chance, those two are my favorite of my bf's friends (don't tell them, it'll go straight to their heads).

The third update is that I might have cancer. It's either that or a very rare thyroid descease, anyways something's eating my spine so I'm in pain daily and I am tired all the time, I'm writing this from my hospital room, I had a biopsy done so I'll update with a diagnoses, althought I am sure no one reads this but me lol.

Don't get me wrong: I am terrified about this diagnosis, I really don't want cancer. My lore is pretty extensive already, that's why I started this blog. It's kinda like an autobiographic project to test my storytelling. I had a professor (I dropped out of university for good lol, I guess that's update #4) who complimented what he called my "voice" and as you can read, I am carrying that chip on my shoulder for the rest of my life, even if I end up not writing a book ever. And believe me do I have enough tragedies it's comedic. Tragicomedia diría mi profesor. That's just my life.

In the only good news I bring: my boyfriend and I just celebrated our 2nd anniversary! ... well, money's tight and it was in November, so I proposed to celebrate both our anniversary and my birthday together in February (I'm an Aquarius, and I dare you, dear reader, to tell me something about Aquarians that isn't related to "living in a different world/reality"), that way we both would be able to get through Christmas this year. And I'm so glad I did. It did bummed me not to do anything the day of our anniversary, but -I guess in my 5th update now- I am more secure in my relationship with my boyfriend, I have accepted the fact that he loves me, and our communication has improved immensly because of this.

My man has always been receptive to my wants and needs, I never have to bring up things twice, he gets it and fixes it the first time around. With one exception: he's not very PDA, and after being the chill, non-chalant girlfriend before all my trauma, it was also a surprise to me that I am now VERY PDA. It also helps that this is the man that brought back that feeling of first love butterflies... okay, so he swept me off my feet by being a confident nerd that is constatly improving himself and learning new things (he's a Cancer if you're interested, and no idc that out signs are "compatible").

Or did I sweep him off his feet by being assertive, resilient, and very comfortable with taking the lead? I'll tell you a secret: my bf is actually really shy when it comes to romance, we took our time getting to know each other, so when we were watching a "scary" movie (it was really bad), I was giving him all the signs that I wanted him to hold my hand, the backs our hands were already touching, shoulders too, (I know, scandalous) so I was just waiting for him to do it, but when he said "wow, that was scary" sarcastically I just responded "I'll protect you" and just took his hand into mine, intertwined our fingers, and I liked it. But what happened next did it for me: he very softly said "okay". It was almost a whisper. I looked at him, and he was blushing, keeping his eyes on the TV. I swear I have no clue how I gathered the self-control not to jump his bones in that moment, but I let it linger. I ran my thumb softly on the back of his hand, and we finished the movie, and then he drove me home.

I was hooked. All I could think about his pretty face, I still remember and get that warm fuzzy feeling all over again. Our first kiss was a little different, I surprised him, so he was, well surprised. We were cuddling, and I sat up and kissed him. When his surprise wore off, he kissed me back. He was good. He's gotten even better. Sex was less surprising, I did let him know that I wanted to do it, so he was not surprised, but he was nervous, I could tell. He later told me that he never enjoyed sex much, he felt pressured to do everything and his stomach got upset because of it. Me initiating, and us taking turns and all that (this isn't smut, I'm telling you my love story rn) really helped him come out of his shell, and I loved to see it.

When we got in the car afterward (I had work the next day, so I couldn't stay over), he looked a bit sad. We were not formally together yet, and thinking back, he was probably not sad at all, and I was just overthinking his expression, anyways I surprised him again by asking him to be my boyfriend then and there, and he said yes. It did make him smile all the way back to my house, I was smiling too.

Two years later, we have been through a lot together. Talking to each other has been our safe space, and he has been with me throughout two hospitalizations now, so the "in sickness and in health" part of our relationship is good.

I'm gonna tell you the truth, dear reader: I started and deleted 3 different anecdotes about my boyfriend, our dynamic, etc. They are too long, so sometimes I'll post palette cleansers about him in my future posts. I want to clarify that even though I do depend on him a lot, I have not let it become codependence, I pay for therapy for a reason, dammnit. If he falls asleep before saying goodnight, it doesn't ruin my night because I don't perceive it as rejection, and it doesn't happen often (I could count the times in one hand over the past two years). I can also safely say that if my life took me somewhere else in the world and he doesn't want to uproot his life to go with me: that would be it. I need the validation of physical affection, I could never do long distance (although this scenario has come up in conversation, and he said he'd go with me, so there's that).

Anyway it's 3am at the hospital so I'm going to bed... or to my gurney? Whatever, I'm going to sleep now. Bye.

[curs3dn0va]

TW: death, substance use, pick me behaviour, and backstabbing, swearing

After my ex-something left I was in such bad state I actually got internalized in a mental hospital for a while, I can only descrive it as a limbo of trying to face the complete void in my life that he left behind, I've heard some people with addictions say that recovery takes away your "personality" because all that you defined as "yourself" was or was a part of your addiction. That's sort of what I went through when he left, I was't even half a person, everything I liked and anjoyed was highly linked to him, and same with my friends... or the people I was friendly to, they reminded me of the person I was around him, so I stopped talking to them... but I did have someone I knew from before him: lets call her B (it does stand for bitch but I'm getting ahead of myself).

B and I had a long friendship together, we met in elementary school, she was a year younger but it was a Montessory system (look it up) so we were in the same room and often "worked" together. As I had mentioned before I was severly bullied during elementary school, it started as teasing because of my glasses and grew as the years went by, and even though B was my only friend -that I remember at least- I wasn't hers, and in the end we were in different grades. In my las year of elementary school, B transferred to another school, and that's the year that the bullying got truly horrible. But we reconnected... well, I reconnected. You see, I was always the one begging to hang out, and being autistic and very lonely I would call her a lot, I would ring her house like 10 times if necessary, but as soon as a concice "no" was given I would stop, the thing is that B would make excuses and I was a problem solver, so we would be talking fo a while about all the reasons she couldn't hang out, and then I would be sad. She was my only friend, and probably my favorite person (remember, I also have bpd) which is a heavy burden for a child, so I don't really blame her for trying to get rid of me in a very subtle way that I was just not getting.

Enter middleschool and I start making other firends, B and I are still in contact and out parents are friends so my mom recommends my school and she enter on my second year, I immediatetly adopt her into my friend group and things progress nicely, I do worry about her a bit, because with the years I have come to love her like a sister, and I wanted her to make her own friends from her grade so that she wouldn't be lonely when we graduated, and she kind of managed. Middleschool was an okay time for our friendship, at least that I can recall, but I was still the one always reaching out, always the first texts, always the first call.

We kept in touch during highschool, although she was an overachiever and I was in 4 different highschools... well, I kept in touch. And then my ex happened, and 4 years later, I knew there was one person I could call who predated that whole fiasco, B and I had just drifted apart for those years, and I wanted to see how she was. B was happy to hear from me, and our friendship resumed -hell, she even visited me in the looney bin- her life started to get hectic with her uni graduation coming soon, so I did all I could to help (because that all I knew how to do). Those were some fun few months... and then we went to this party, very unremarkable really, we drank a little and made fun of some people, her friends asked her when she was getting a boyfriend and she responded "Who needs a boyfriend whe I have Nova?" and pretended to faint into my arms, it was a joke that we used to make mostly because I was very protective and attentive, and she wasn't interested in anyone, until we were playing ping pong. I went to get us some pie because our ride was about to arrive and we wanted pie, when I came back to our game some dude was playing with her, I approached and he said "oh I just want to teach her" and I shrugged, told B our ride was coming and sat down to eat my pie. We left and everything was fine, she crashed in my couch and that was that.

Next day B told me about the guy, her friends know him from some other friends and -her friends- told her he asked for her number, she seemed excited aod I wanted to know about it, and she explained that he was actually her type while showing me a picture of the party, I was very baffled since when we were making fun on people we had said "who the fuck brings a suit to a party? that's so pretentious" and there he was... the guy in the suit was "her type". I tried my best to be supportive, but I have to admit that having come from a very toxic situation myself I was not the "omg he did the bearest minimum??????? MARRY HIM", even less for B. I would've killed for her. I wanted someone who worshipped the ground she walked on, and he was... a bare minimum kinda guy. B had never been in a relationship before, so everything to her was "so original" and "very thoughtful", and when I didn't share her enthusiasm she would get short with me. One night after watching Midsommar (great movie btw, highly recommend) I drunkely said "I just really wish I could pick up all the shitty ways a man can hurt you out of my brain and put them on yours, just so that you'd know in dvance" we looked at eachother, I don't remember what she said anymore, but I did make it clear that I was sorry for coming across as unsupportive, but I was just trying to look out for her, and she understood.

He ended up being a scumbag, the most shocking part is that no one but me saw it coming, I was there to comfort B every time he would bail on a date, but those were rapidly becoming the only times we would talk. I had made another friend at this time, he was really cool and we hung out often, but B was very consumed in her relationship, and when it ended she was acting like "I really get what you meant now" and "men are really trash", which I didn't care much about, but I had been starting to get myself out there and trying to date, this is when the "jokes" about me being better than a boyfriend whent from "Jokes" to just presenting me to people as her boyfriend (I used to look very femme back then, but no one would laugh anymore). The trouble began when I met this boy, let's call him L (for "leeching piece of shit") and he was a karmic twin flame for me, I confirmed it every way I could, but he really was my twin flame, and so I went feral for L, at least for a month, then I realized my traumas ran far too deep for a relationship so intense so soon, so we just became friends, and it was all platonic from then on with him.

Why is a random idiot I met relevant? well because B made him relelvant. I will admit that I had also just started using weed to cope with my trauma, I moved out of my house with L as roommates, and I don't remember all the things I did, but the things I do remember doing were shitty. And after a while of me running around trying to contact her, B cut me off from her life over a pretty silly argument. But this is not the thing that blew our friendship appart, because I'm sure in her eyes I deserved it. No, what blew it up happened a few months later.

My grandmother was an amazing woman, she took in my grandpa's children (including my mom) and raised them as her own, she moved to a state she knew nothing about just to help my mom take care of me while she focused on her studies, she took care of my older half-sister's (my father's side) children while she was in the hospital in a high risk pregnancy, plus me because my mom was the one looking after my older half-sister in the hospital. My granmother was a saint, if people started praying to her instead of god we would see a resurgeance of miracles. Anyways, she diead in April 26, 2023. It was a hectic day to say the least, my mom and I were a mess, but I had to stay strong because my mom is the type to shut down during emergencies. And at the funeral there were many things happening, it was stressful. And then in walks in, with a group of people, that fucking narcicistic Bitch, comes right to where my mom and I are standing, the group of people hug me and my mom, but she only hugs my mom and then looks down as the group makes awkward conversation.

Who is even that sick? I don't even think I could pull a stunt like that at someone's loved one's funeral, which should tell you a lot because I am a truly sick fuck, but going to my ex-bestie's grandmother's funeral, the grandmother that I know raised them because she also took care of me when we were little, and not eve offer a "I'm very sorry for your loss"? What. The. Fuck. Is. Wrong. With. You? How fucking pathetic do you have to be to go top someone's funeral to attract attention?

This is what B looked like: (fictionalized dialogue)

atendee: "how do you know the deceaced?"

Bitch: "Oh, that my ex-bestfriend's grandmother"

atendee: "oh... have you come to make amends? to show support in such a vulnerable time?"

Bitch: "what? psh no, I just want to cause emotional distress under the guise of coming to offer support to my ex-besties mother, she's also like my own mother and probably loves me more than that loser she has as an offspring, anyways I have to go parade my new hair in front of the casket brb"

And dear reader... you want to know what the worst part is? I lent her some books that I haven't trusted myself to pick up since I'm afraid to gauge her fucking eyes out with a spoon, so I sent her a text and she said "oh yeah, you can pick them up whenever! btw I have a boyfriend now!". I am not kidding you dear reader. This delutional piece of human waste actually gave me an update on her life as if I would... what? be happy for her???? SHE RUINED MY GRANDMOTHER'S FUNERAL AND SHE WANTS ME TO BE HAPPY FOR HER? I hope she get's cheated on, dumped, ran over by a car 3 times and survives but lives with chronic pain, becomes addicted to pain medication, and lives a miserable life away from me. Am I evil for wishing something so horrific to someone? yeah, but not evil enough to go to her grandmother's funeral and not ever make aye contact. Fuck you Bitch. If you read this I hope you contact me so I can insult you to your stupid fucking face.

*I want to set aside a space for the poeple that B tried to make me drop from my life but I kept around because I love them and they are worth every second: my mans S, you're a real one; My buddy L2, I'm sorrry I already used your initial fro someone sucky, but I wanted to thank you since despite not having seen eachother in months you were working at a parmacy my mom went, saw her crying and came by to the funeral even though it was very late and you had just gotten done with work; and last but not least, my amazing Boyfirend, who came running after work and stayed as late as he could. I am so greatful to all of these people for making the funeral bearable. I love all of you.

[curs3dn0va]

TW: SA, grooming, mental heath stuff, cheating.

So I had 2 breakups by October 2021: one was my ex-something (he called me his soulmate, I call him the worst thing that could have happened to me), and the other was feminism, and both of them are very much linked together, so here's what went down:

When I was in highschool I met this boy, and this boy had a best friend, let's call the bestie B. So me and this boy started dating, we were both shitty teens, but I just wanted a good time and he said "I love you" in like 3 months. Safe to say it didn't work out, and then it didn't work out a second time around, but by then this boy had stolen my friend group, but B kept checking in, and I really liked him as a friend, I thought he was cool, plus he had a shitty life situation and I wanted to help him out. Something I now know about myself is that I buy my way into peoples hert's because the thought of someone liking me for who I am really only ocurred to me like 2 months ago, so I am fixing that, but back then I was very much not fixing that, anyways I gave him my old smartphone when I upgrated, looking back it was a big deal and he was not that greatful about it, he said thanks a few times and then went on ignoring most of my texts. I have grown up to understand that as a person I am very needy of love and reassurance, I will send a 9 text in a row without response, it is just part of my nature. So B and I got closer and closer, we lived together and our lives were not going too great so we gravitated towards eachother, we would talk until 4am about literally nothing at all and just have fun. At 19 he had this relationship that I won't talk too much about, just say that it was bad and it was most likely his fault in hindsight, but back then he was definitetly the guy that said "all my girlfriends are crazy" and shit like that. One night we had a movie marathon, and the thought of him in a more-than-friends way had occured to me, but I had no self-steem and he had girls to pick from, so I was fine with just being a best friend, because that's what we were at that point: he would come to my house, we would talk, watch videos, joke around, it was all very platonic; but that one cursed night he put his arm around me, and I was curious "what is he doing?" was my first thought, not repulsed just kind of confused if he would over-correct or something, and because of how my couch was at the time it was very easy for me to lean into him and in my shoulder I felt his heart absolutetly beating out of his chest and his "I'm really trying to stay chill" breathing. Fast forward of a few weeks of us fooling around and I was like "what are we?" and he did a very classic male manipulator "I'm not ready for anything", "you would be forever and we are so young", long story short he got me to be his "friends with benefits" -even thought he was the only one benefiting from any part of the relationship- and 3 years in, something happened: He got a girlfriend.

Now you have to understand that I was 3 years into a brainwashing campaign of "we will live happily ever after... someday" by then, so when this girl came in I was not happy... with her. I obviously couldn't possibly blame him because by that point I was not a person anymore, I was a very well groomed and trained sex doll that he could cry to and I would obediently validate all his opinions and quell all his fears. I was not even half a person, and when I showed signs of having my own thoughts and emotions he would silet treat me into obedience, rejection was his punishment and he dealt it freely and with no remorse. So I hated her, not only because she just waltzed in and suddenly he wanted to commit to someone, but because she was what he shaped me into but better, at least in my eyes. She was allowed he own opinions on shows, she was allowed tantrums, wishes, wants, desires, hobbies, but he wouldn't ever be mad at her, at least not in fron of me. She was also smaller in every sense of the word, she was short and skinny, and I have always thought of myself as a mid-sized person, but looking at photos from that time I was very, very skinny, it was truly just my insecurities getting the best of me. Privatetly, he painted her as a selfish, toxic girl, with no control over her emotions (and this led to the implicit "unlike you" where he praised my maturity and shit like that); her dehumanization to me was crucial, because the moment they became official, I said no to sex with him for the first time in 3 years. Despite all the conditioning I went through, I was sure I didn't want to make her suffer... until that christmas. To be fully honest I don't remember exactly what they fought about, only that she called him unhigenic and that he could at least try to smell good when he was around her -which yeah, that man STUNK it's not even funny- so he villanized her and cried in my lap about her and his dad and how no one (but me) loved him, and he wore me down. We had sex that night and he went on to cheat on for a full year. I knew it was wrong and I did feel bad, but I also thought that man was my soulmate, that destiny wrote us to be together, that they'd be broken up in another month and our love story could continue. But they didn't.

If you though this was already messy, you better strap the fuck in because his girlfriend, let's call her C, has a girl best friend that we're gonna call A, well A and I met when she was coming back into town, and because our "best friends" were dating eachother and I was publicly single we started hanging out as "totally definitetly platonic gal pals"... or at least that the impression I got, we never did any explicitly romantic stuff, but there was some tension I am fairly sure I was not imagining. So one day I spill the beans to her about B and how we had been having a thing for 4 years by then and blah blah blah, A doesn't take it well and in her eternal grace gave me a month to tell C or she would, so I told B he had a month to tell his girlfriend the truth because I was done. By this point I had recently been at a feminist protest in my city where I did meet A and C, they were very much feminist and very into the whole movement, and the movement at that moment was (and still very much is) about supporting women who came out with stories about abuse of any kind, believing them and defending them. All of this to say that I was very much surprised when B did not tell his girlfriend about the affair, and when I did she didn't even respond, when I went to A to see what the fuck was going on I was even more shocked that she didn't believe me anymore either. I do blame the autism for not seeing this coming, and also for wanting to "be the bigger person" by not sharing screenshots of my conversations with B, or the nudes, or the voice messages, or any of it really. What was pure stupidity was deleting all of it. That's right, dear reader, I have no proof of any of this.

So the feminists who "believed all victims" did not believe me, my ex-something who swore to always be with me immediatetly stopped all communication, and I tried to start a legal case, but the trauma and the exhaustion got to me... I was internalized by ferbuary of 2022, and had a karmic wake up call this year with the betrayal of another so called "best friend", where it was my turn to believe someone else's story without any proof, and seeing myself in that position really put into perspective what A and C did. Not believing someone when they come out with something as serious as what I "allegged" in my very thorough facebook post (don't judge me, it's still widely used where I live as a social media platform), it can really mentally hurt the accusing party. I to this day try to rationalize my own rape. I can think of a million reasons it "wan't that bad" and "I'm just blowing it out of proportion", but if that is true then why do I have all the emotional baggage of someone who was victimized for years? if it wasn't that bad, then how come I was sure I was unlovable? I am still sure.

I am in a happy and healty realtionship right now, where my partner is patient and kind and has never even looked at me wrong and I still flinch when I'm not expecting his touch. It is my job now to put myself back together, to reconstruct the child that I was before my abuser and see them become the adult I was supposed to be. Four years of my life I dedicated to someone who hurt me so much I couldn't recognize myself afterwards, I was deeply dependant on him for every single decition, and now I am afraid to even get my tongue pierced because my current boyfriend doesn't like that piercing and I am so terrified that he will start treating me like my ex treated me. I have nightmares about my boyfriend being mad at me because in my head it is not believable that everything could be okay in my relationship.

I do not know if I'll ever be able to forgive any of the people mantioned here (even my current boyfriend, he is too pretty and truly how dare he), but I am working on forgiving myself for the choices I made and the hurt that I caused, to myself at least since I think B and C are still together, last I heard at least. I do not wish any ill will to C and A, not really, altought sometimes I wish I did. It would be much easier to hate them at least, but I can't. And B, well... I did see him around the university at the start of the semester, and let's just say that we are 26 years old, but he looked 32 if we're being kind, so I think karma is doing fine on it's own.

[curs3dn0va]

I have kept blogs on and off throught my life. I'm that part of gen z that wanted to share my stories to whomever might care, if anyone did... But when people in my real life actually read them I would get embarassed. You see, I was badly bullied during elementary school - very important formative years, now that I think about it - and here in México elementary school is 6 years. I am also acutely aware that the bullying "wasn't that bad" in the sense that it was never physical, but it did instill in me - an undiagnosed autistic - many core beliefs that only now, at 26 years old, I'm starting to understand how they impact my life to this day. A few examples are as follows: that I was inherently ugly and there was nothing to do about it; I was also very stupid, and again there was nothing I could do about it; I was not good at anything, therefore I should give up on any single thing I start; I am also very weird and odd and offputting, and should not approach anyone because they will hate me. The list could go on, but that's not what I want to talk about in this introduction.

Despite all of this things that became my core beliefs about myself, it took many years for me to get any diagnosis, and legally I am not diagnosed (more about that in another post about mental health resources in México), since my diagnosis is private. But you must understand, dear reader, that this blog is not to look for sympathy or pitty or clout, I am a writer to my core, and the fact that I have never been able to pin down my life and pull it appart to see what makes me who I am bothers me. With this blog I want to talk about my past, even vent a little about people that - from my perspective at least - have wronged me. And some people might wonder "why not a tiktok?", well putting my self image issues aside, the people that I will be talking about would not appreciate the things I have to say, and tiktok is much more traceable, althought that is not what worries me: a tiktok is quick and spur of the moment, words can be miscontrued and twisted, and I am much better with words when I write them down.

Another thing you might be curious about might be the fact that I say I'm healing, yet I will be bringing up things from a very long time ago, and to you that might not be the ideal way of healing, but as I mentioned before: I have several conditions that make it harder to let go of things, and everything I will be writing here are things that I haven't been able to let go, they hurt me and fester inside me. I have tried vent books, and I don't intend to stop them, I'll probably even show a few passages, but please grant me some grace, I've had a rough life despite my privileges (and I have many).

For right now I can introduce myself: My friends call me Nova, I am a tattoo apprentice, I enjoy movies and cinema, I love music and am currently enrolled in piano lessons, I love beauty and makeup, I also like fashion althought I'm not very fashionable, I do recreational weed since it helps me unmask (this is not a recommendation or endorsement of the use of illicit substances), I love traveling and trying new things, I am bilingual and learning my third language right now, I'm enrolling in university next semester (again), I finally have a few friends that I can be myself with, I am currently reading Babel by R.F. Kuang, The Poppy War trilogy broke me and it is my favourite series so far, I love Bo Burnham, and I play too much Overwatch.

So if anyone is interested in my lore, my personality, and where I'm going, follow this blog. I do have some projects pending: I want to make videos about books and/or makeup, I want to get better at my art, and I'm using this whole thing to practice my prose because I'm very interested in writing a book someday.