cyberneticfantasies

[cyberneticfantasies]

Kas Liezl ‘25

[cyberneticfantasies]

My Words Mean Nothing to You

How come when I’m in such discomfort, your words relive me?

How come when I’m crying and in pain, your embrace calms me down?

Why is it, that, when I’m blazing angry, your calm heals me?

I’m not sure either. All I know is I trust you and I love you with my entire heart and soul. I know that you know me better than anyone in this world. I can rely on you. I can trust you. I love you.

But I’m wondering, when the tables are turned, why is it so different?

I see tears stream down your face. Your eyebrows furrow with frustration. I try to use the techniques you would with me, and yet… nothing.

You’re in pain. Your eyes glossy from crying, I reach to comfort you and—nothing.

It feels to be the same. No change. I see the pain linger in your eyes, not faded in the slightest.

I try again, using my words or my embrace. I try to call you with mine; and still… nothing.

I see you hurting. Sad and angry at the world. Upset with the people around you. I see you give them your all; while leaving nothing for yourself.

Why?

I try to give you what was lost. I want to fill the same emptiness that you did with me. But it doesn’t work.

Why won’t it work?

I try not to be frustrated, but I can’t help it. I begin to feel mad when you’re mad. I feel sad when you’re sad. I feel empty when you’re empty.

…

I don’t want it to be like this, I think to myself. I want to help you. I want to care for you. I want to love and provide you the same way you did for me.

Will you not let me?

How come my actions, feeling, and words don’t work?

What am I doing wrong?

Will you not let me in?

Am I not… it?

[cyberneticfantasies]