daggermoss

[daggermoss]

Happy Pride Month! 💖🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍⚧️

Here's all the medieval pride flag personas I've drawn over the past year, I have some more in the works so keep an eye out hehe

[daggermoss]

Attraction =/= action. Attraction =/= consent. Attraction =/= desire. Attraction =/= agreements. Attraction =/= relationships. Lack of attraction does NOT equal lack of any of these things.

Attraction and attachment, and lack thereof, is an internal emotional experience that an individual can decide what they want to do with and how they want to treat it. It can be a motivator behind actions and desires, but it's only one motivator out of many.

When attraction is assumed to be anything other than what it is, you get all sorts of murking up of consent and meaningful decision-making. This mindset underlies: "well you find me sexually attractive, so you must want to have sex with me..." which you hopefully can see how, bad, that logic is. That's just one example.

Platonicism is not friendship either, the same way romance doesn't constitute partnership. You can have a platonic partnership. You can have a romantic friendship. You can have a friendship that doesn't involve platonic love or attachment (and, idk it might even be super common that a lot of friendships aren't based on platonic feelings because these concepts are treated as so universal and taken so for granted that no one has discrete language for it).

Hi. I'm afamilial, not aplatonic, and I'm having a lot of trouble wrapping my head around the idea of aplatonicism. I've seen many many posts from aplatonic people to the effect of "I came out to people I know and they took it badly", and I feel bad about this but I feel like that's a given whenever you're coming out as saying "we aren't actually friends and never will be"? I'm sorry if this is insensitive, genuinely, but I really really do want to try and understand aplatonicism more!!

i think that people who react like that dont truly understand aplatonicism. its simply a lack of attraction and maybe not wanting to be called friend. nothing changes when you find out someone is aplatonic. im not sure if i got my thoughts out right im not good at explaining things like this and if anyone else can do it better youre welcome to

[daggermoss]

Often, the healing after trauma can be harder to deal with than the trauma itself. And that's okay. You aren't broken, weak or wrong for that. It's normal.

[daggermoss]

the way that there are definitely 100% heterosexual cisgender men who'd be exclusive bottoms and women who'd be exclusive tops if the culture around sex wasn't "man = top, woman = bottom" fucks me up whenever i think about it.

if you're a cis straight person reading this and sex has always felt like A Task To Complete or has felt awful and painful emotionally for you; you don't have to exist within this obligatory sexual binary. you can have sex in ways that feel safe and affirming and not in the way that you're "supposed to". it will be difficult but i know you can do it.

[daggermoss]

personally if I saw a bi woman at pride with her cishet boyfriend I would be very happy to see that she has someone that loves and supports her given that 61% of bisexual women have experienced some form of intimate partner violence

[daggermoss]

When it comes to being aplatonic, I see a lot of posts comparing it to being aromantic, but honestly, I think it might help people understand it better if we compare it to being asexual

Friendship and sex are both seen as human necessities; if you are uninterested in one or both, that is treated as a strong indicator of mental illness, to the point it is considered a symptom of some disorders. Not having friends/sex is also associated with being a bad person, or at the very least, being a pathetic loser. However, friendship and sex are simultaneously put in this position where you must not care about them too much – you must not consider your friends genuine life partners, and you must consider sexuality shameful on some level.

There is also overlap with both asexual and aromantic experiences. This thing we are often uninterested in is absolutely everywhere. If we don't have it right now, it's expected that we are desperate to fix that. Children growing up with these orientations may feel confused, estranged, or broken. On and on and on

Aplatonicism is its own thing, but it has a lot of parallels with other aspec orientations, too

[daggermoss]

Kinda nonhuman because mental illness, kinda nonhuman because not being properly socialized as a kid, kinda nonhuman because queer, kinda nonhuman because angry at humanity, kinda nonhuman because longing for the unconditional love of a pet and it’s master, and kinda nonhuman because secret sixth thing.

[daggermoss]

I am That I am (a furry)

[daggermoss]

“Growth is painful. Change is painful.But nothing is as painful as staying stuck somewhere you don’t belong.”

— Mandy Hale (via wordsnquotes)

[daggermoss]

A particular aspect of aphobia that a lot of autistic and other neurodivergent folks run into with ableism and women run into with harassment is people's inability to accept or comprehend boundaries when it comes to something that is seen as generally and thus universally positive.

People see it with catcalling and the excuse of "it's a compliment" but people generally see catcalling as sleazy so people wrap their heads around it pretty easily, but calling someone beautiful? Hugging them? Saying I love you? Boundaries go out the window because it's a nice thing! It's affectionate. You should be flattered people want to have sex with you, you should give that person a chance because love is sweet, you should want to have friends because it's good to have people and they should tell you i love you because they're important words. This thing is inherently positive so if it makes you uncomfortable that's a problem you need to fix, not have a respected boundary for.

It devolves into people telling you how you feel because you're just being stubborn and people socially retreating because having those relationships seems to inherently mean you aren't allowed those boundaries so you just can't have those relationships without being made uncomfortable or anxious that those things are going to happen anyways.

[daggermoss]

[daggermoss]

Aplatonic Asks 🍏

What aplatonic labels and terminology do you use?

Is there any intersection with your aplatonic identity and other identities you have?

Thoughts on apples? Red or green?

Thoughts on apple juice? What about apple cider?

Have you ever tried a candy apple? Thoughts on artifical green apple flavor?

Have you come out to anyone as aplatonic? Have you discussed aplatonicism with anyone outside of aplatonic communities?

How did you realize you were aplatonic?

How did you first learn about the term "aplatonic"?

If you do want friends, describe your ideal friendship. If you don't want friends, describe your ideal support system.

(A) If applicable, talk about the successful and comfortable friendships you've had. What is it like for you to navigate friendship as an aplatonic? (B) If you don't have, want, or prefer friends, talk a little about the other kinds of relationships in your life that you deem important. Outside of relationships, what makes you happy and comfortable in life? What's it like to navigate life without friends?

Is there anything that makes you feel plato-repulsed?

Thoughts on the "power of friendship" trope? And other similar platonic-heavy tropes and stories?

What do you wish alloplatonics understood about being aplatonic?

What would you want to see highlighted in aplatonic awareness aimed at alloplatonics and questioning apls?

What would you want to see in aplatonic representation in media and/or fandom?

Do you have any aplatonic headcanons?

Has there been any media and/or characters that you could relate to as an aplatonic?

Any aplatonic-friendly media recommendations? Any media you recommend that aplatonics avoid?

[daggermoss]

Yeah, being satisfied and having the "bar filled" with situational and contextual relationships is pretty nice. I can consistently come to this place (discord server rn) and get a specific type of interaction since one person is consistently there for it. There's no sense of obligation or duty to maintain their complex relationship needs, to escalate into getting to know them more, to keep up with and integrate into the details of who they are and their life. We can just vibe on the basis of what we're both there for.

Just because we are each CHOOSING to be here in this context and can leave or simply not show up at any time, I can know that they are always wholly consenting to this contextual interaction. Because we are there, not for the desire of another person, but entirely just for ourselves and for meeting our own needs/desires independently, we don't need the other to be there, so there is no expectation of how to show up or of having to provide.

You can find valuable pieces of your authentic self in interactions and connections that are just situational and contextual. You can appreciate and value others' unique authenticity that can show up when they don't need to be anything more than a contextual acquaintance. You can find security and reliability in not having to share any parts of yourself or your life outside of the situational or contextual interaction you show up in.

It's nice to be acquaintances. It's nice to have purely situational connections that have nothing to do with specific attachment to a person.

a recent ask mentioned wanting to hear more about positive aplsprc experiences so here's mine!: being satisfied with different depths and natures of relationships! being more open to fun interactions with strangers/acquaintances without the expectation it'll turn into something "more" (still fighting off platonormativity but i've made progress) and being more able to live in the moment! ye :{D

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[daggermoss]

A lot of people think that being aplatonic means hating social interactions and isolating yourself, and I don't even know where to begin to explain that this is a ridiculous notion. Also having friendships is not the only way we can interact with people.

But anyway. I am an aplatonic person and I don't have any friends (or at least not in the conventional way). But I highly value social interactions and community ties, which is what motivates me to adopt certain political beliefs (anticapitalism). I have a great appreciation for people and I want everyone to live happily and in good conditions, with enough money to survive, etc. I want the common good. I just don't feel inclined towards certain relationships that have been forced upon me. When someone wants to befriend me, I don't feel anything at all. I even forced myself to have friendships, and believe me, it was a phase where I was horrible to myself. I don't think anyone should be forced into relationships when the connection (or better, attraction) isn't there.

Again, this does not mean = isolation. It is a solitude that I have chosen and that actually makes me have healthier relationships with myself and with other people (it turns out that when I do not force myself, I feel better about other people, how surprising). Solitude is not isolation. You can lack certain emotional connections or not have emotional connections at all, and still value the people you share the world with.

[daggermoss]

I draw a distinction between having a desire and experiencing attraction/affection. I've desired platonic friendships before, but the reason behind the desire was to fit in, to achieve social respect, or to be more "normal." When choosing people to achieve that desire, it was less about attraction and affection towards that individual person for who they are or any of their characteristics, but more for their availability to fit that role in my life. I imagine if I actually had attraction or affection towards these people, my desires would be based more on them & who they are, rather than fitting into a role in my life that's about fulfilling something for *me.*

I think I could theoretically desire platonic friendships based on other things, too--like maybe shared values, compatibility, and respect/admiration towards a person. But it feels like these things would have to be "proven" or earned by someone, so I imagine it'd feel more like a choice or skill of exercising discernment than experiencing attraction/affection.

I experience sexual attraction without sexual desire. Just because I feel attraction towards someone doesn't mean I want sex with them. There's a lot of other factors that work into desiring sex, like perceived safety, ease/relaxation, interaction, morality, standards in choice of people, etc. Attraction can be just one of the factors. Maybe purely attraction would be enough to motivate me to want sex with someone if I wanted casual or NSA sex in general, but I don't. That doesn't mean I don't experience attraction and affectionate feelings towards people I'll never want sex with, still.

So, my conception is that want/desire is more of a choice--or at least can be heavily influenced by my choices--and attraction/affection is more of a feeling that happens in one's internal experience that you don't have control over. You're necessarily a slave to wants/desires or even impulses, but feelings and internal experiences come and go, they can't be controlled.

Your behavior can be whatever you choose, your relationships can still be whatever you choose, and that doesn't have to be dependent on your attraction or lack of. You might find identifying your experience as aplatonic makes you desire platonic friendship less, because your self-esteem and conception of yourself improves, and you don't need to perform platonic relationships out of obligation anymore. You might find that identifying as aplatonic actually makes you want platonic friendships more because you can identify your own needs and boundaries in them better, and so you can experience more healthy and better platonic relationships.

Yo aplatonics sorry to bug yall but how did you realize you were apl? I've been kinda questioning and going back & fourth on whether I actually desire friendships or if it's just me being unable to let go of a pattern (another weird thing is that my friendships happen in a pattern that rarely goes on for longer than a year)

I don't particularly desire bonds with people either, I just accept them when they happen, mostly waiting for when it inevitably ends while trying to enjoy the moments spent together. So does that mean I don't feel platonic attraction? But sometimes as a friendship is forming I feel something in me that makes me cling to said person for no reason, but considering my track record I think that might align more with some mental shit I probably have going on.

Idk I could 100% live without friendships but I also can't particularly opt out of them like I did with romance which makes knowing if I experience any sort of platonic attraction a hassle.

I guess I'm just wondering how to figure it out for sure, and I know nobody can decide for me, but maybe some anecdotes on how others figured it out could help me. Feel free to let me know if this just isn't a post that should be in the apl tags tho.

[daggermoss]

Of course! Glad to receive your appreciation. :o) Feel free to lemme know if you have any other questions/curiosities (I love opportunities to yammer about myself).

hey could someone pretty please explain the labels aplatonic and afamilial to me?

bc i get the general gist of like aro or ace but with platonic and familial bonds (i think that’s what it is?), but (and i apologize for my slow silly brain) how???

how do you just not have/want to have friends?? or am i just off with the meaning?? would it be offensive to you if i called you my friend? or is it more like you just have no desire to make friends but sometimes you just wind up having them???

and afamilial, is that just you don’t feel like your blood family is family (bc i get that so hard) or is it you just don’t consider anyone family? like no found family with your friends??

i am so sorry if i sound stupid or like im trying to invalidate people, i am just genuinely confused, these are all well meaning questions but please tell me if any of them are offensive

i want to support you, please explain to me what this means so i can back you up

[daggermoss]

Aplatonic here--

No, I don't have friends, nor do I actively want friends. I thought I did at one point-- but I realized that that wasn't an actual genuine internal desire, but because of societal pressure ingrained that everyone wants/should want platonic friendships and that's the norm default relationship. I realized with my last friend I've ever had (all the way back to middle school/high school), my attachment to her was based out of a romantic crush, and then all my struggles form any connection since then have been because I just haven't felt an internal drive or interest in them as people unless there's a romantic/sexual attraction there first. So, I can't define a moment where I've ever felt a non-romantic, non-sexual, or non-familial attraction, attachment, or love.

I don't think platonic friendships are the default relationship or whatever. I don't believe that just interacting and enjoying socializing constitutes a whole ass friendship or any relationship beyond situational tbh. You can have tons of relationships or social interactions that don't look like nor require friendship or require platonic love/affection/feelings. I might still agree to a non-platonic friendship based on shared values, social commitments, or mutual benefit as long as the platonic displays of love/affection/desire stuff is off the table.

Yes, I'd be offended if you called me your friend. We don't know each other. Even if we interacted, I have no reason to continue to interact with you beyond the circumstances of our interaction, unless we mutually intend and agree to form a relationship. One of my biggest gripes is that society excludes friendship from requiring consent, communication, and collaboration, and just assumes you're supposed to want to be friends with everybody, and you're villainized if you reject it.

I haven't spontaneously ended up having friends since my last friend in middle/high school because I don't believe you can have a relationship without communication and consent between both parties. But I've also been pretty isolated and alone so there's lack of opportunities, lack of people willing to socialize and form connections with me, lack of self-understanding due to platonormativity, abusive romantic relationships, and lots of interpersonal conflict from being a traumatized autistic brain with an atypical life path leading to this situation.

hey could someone pretty please explain the labels aplatonic and afamilial to me?

bc i get the general gist of like aro or ace but with platonic and familial bonds (i think that’s what it is?), but (and i apologize for my slow silly brain) how???

how do you just not have/want to have friends?? or am i just off with the meaning?? would it be offensive to you if i called you my friend? or is it more like you just have no desire to make friends but sometimes you just wind up having them???

and afamilial, is that just you don’t feel like your blood family is family (bc i get that so hard) or is it you just don’t consider anyone family? like no found family with your friends??

i am so sorry if i sound stupid or like im trying to invalidate people, i am just genuinely confused, these are all well meaning questions but please tell me if any of them are offensive

i want to support you, please explain to me what this means so i can back you up