dailythoughtsmr - Tumblr blog

[dailythoughtsmr]

Why do you get out of bed in the morning?

Why do you get out of bed in the morning?

A simple question, right? Yet the more I think of my answer the longer it take's to settle on on. A lot of people can't settle on an answer because they don't get the question. Like; we get out of bed in the morning because we're awake for the day.

Though for others; the reason they get out of bed, they get out of bed no for themselves but for they're friends and family.

These people; don't have love for themselves but the love they have for others is very powerful. They love so hard, but they also have ups and downs.

If you know one of these people or even if you are one.

You're amazing. You're crushing it and doing your best. You are loved and cared for. Thing's will sometimes get bleak but there's always a rainbow around the corner.

Prove the haters wrong and beat them with kindness. The one thing that disarms an emotional vampire is no reaction. Just say "okay" then smile and continue on.

Have a lovely day. You're amazingly tough.

[dailythoughtsmr]

We're all only specs of dust that holds our own universe. We choose to make our universes revolve only around ourselves. Never being satisfied by our personal victories, always expecting more. We are stubborn, selfish, and hard headed creatures that walk around this planet everyday pretending to be someone were not. Some may be happy with that life but there is others that think that's not a life to live at all.

But a double-edged sword that fucks you up in the end.

original poem

[dailythoughtsmr]

I see shadows at night, too scared to move so I just sit tight too scared to blink; I don't feel right. I'm willing my body to fight; nothing can stop the shadows at night. Knowledge is a blessing but being open is a curse, something that ends with you in a hearse. If you don't get it, then lets rehearse.

Bing, bang, boom!

You're 6 feet under; shadows are crowding around you, you must surrender; give yourself to the darkness and let it be your harness.

Just jump in and forget all the shit you went through before, don't fret.

Oh, finally get to be yourself let's bet cause we're all wearing masks hiding in plain sight.

Don't forget where you came from and how we came to be.

Original

[dailythoughtsmr]

The air is tight around me as I suffocate in the unmarked grave you've left me in.

Darkness everywhere, tight cramped space, the air thick to hard to inhale.

As I try to fight with all my might, I start to lose consciousness, and everything fades to black.

I then awake to the sun shining, birds singing and a gentle warm breeze.

Glad to be home, finally free.

The weight on my chest evaporates, and my muscles relax.

A smile appears on my face as I am welcomed home.

For the first time in a long time, I'm not carrying the burden of my life; I'm excited to venture into paradise.

[dailythoughtsmr]

Nights are slowly getting worse, unable to fall asleep, and/or stay asleep.

Endless thoughts rack my brain, yet I can barely string together a coherent thought.

Nights are beginning to become anxiety filled, intrusive thoughts and overthinking.

Scared inner child peeking out from underneath the secure mask I display to everyone myself included sometimes.

Switching off my emotions has become the norm or at least hiding them. Making it harder to deal with the change of my emotions.

Stress consuming my soul each day that passes

Unsure what to do; scared of the outcome.

In the end I'll survive throughout the trauma.

[dailythoughtsmr]

I'm so close to the invisible edge that I always seem that almost falling over. There is always an issue whenever I voice my own thoughts about anything literally anything! It's a problem where you always come out as the victim instead of the villain. Manipulating everything around you. I'm always the problem and honestly I'm sick of being treated like shit. I'm done with your bullshit delusions.

[dailythoughtsmr]

Manifestation

Thing's that have changed lately is the love that I'm supposed to have for myself; it's not like I fully hate myself but I also don't think that I can say I love myself.

I don't hate myself and I don't love myself I know that but why can't I love myself?

I hate the way my body looks, I tolerate how I am cause I can't change stuff about me. I always have something else that needs my attention more than my manifestations.

I manifest that my self-love will bloom like a bud that's started to grow in the spring sunshine.

I manifest that I deserve to be loved and find love for myself.

I manifest that luck will come my way along with abundance ten fold.

[dailythoughtsmr]

Selling tickets to my downfall!

The more I chip at the layers of walls that cover the fortress of your mind the more I slowly start to lose mine. Not comprehending any thoughts nor am I able to form any new thoughts. Confused on what to do next, scared of the possible outcome.

Is there anything that the universe wants to throw my way that will benefit my life in a positive way?

Can my spirit guides please send me guidance, help me see the right path to go down?

There is only so much my over thinking brain can take before I explode. I am so close to the invisible ledge that hangs over a huge body of water; a cliff that everyday I am getting closer to jumping/hurling myself off the ledge.

"I use a razor to take off the edge, "jump off the ledge" they said (yeah, yeah, yeah) "take a laser, aim at my head, paint the walls red" , they said (yeah, yeah, yeah) I'm crazy, I'm off the meds "I'm better off dead" they said (yeah, yeah, yeah) I use a razor to take off the edge, jump off the ledge, I'm selling tickets to my downfall." --Machine Gun Kelly

[dailythoughtsmr]

Another day, another mask goes up; heads empty no thoughts flowing through.

You look into my eyes as if nothing had happened, smile and twinkle returning to your gaze that confuses me so. There are lines that I have crossed in order to get to where I am today; there isn't a line that I have yet to cross that kills me.

There are feelings that haven't went away, they are as real as it gets for me. You believe that it might just be almost like a phase, that having someone actually like you is the last thing that could possibly happen. But I like you and I will continue to like you; though I will try my best to let it go. Push it aside into the abyss, in the back of my mind, away from anyone.

You may not like me and that's okay, I won't hold it against you; I don't like me either.

[dailythoughtsmr]

There are currently no thoughts in my brain, head completely empty, barely processing my own bullshit. It keeps coming in scrambled and out of place; fuzzy and I can't understand anything through the static.

Funny enough though I still end up pissing you off almost instantly this morning. Yet it's okay for you to constantly mental abuse me; I know you can't control it but I also think that what if you're using this disorder as a crutch, I can't use my cancer as one so what gives you the balls and right to either.

Do as you preach; the rules apply to you too just like everyone else.

[dailythoughtsmr]

There are so many moments throughout the day that the thought of death just doesn't seem that bad, maybe even better than what you got stuck with now. The amount of those moments that I've had throughout the day and still currently have is crazy. Borderline delusion almost.

Would death be like a warm blanket swaddling you as you lull off to the other side?

Would it make fear consume my entire being including my soul until it all just randomly stops?

Would I even know what's happening?

Would I feel complete bliss for finally being free?

Would I choose life or death if giving the option while I'm dying?

That's the million dollar question isn't it?

The fact that I don't even know the answer to that worries me a bit. What goes on in my head? If I knew, I'd tell you. But I feel the need to crack open my skull to peek inside my brain and find out what the fuck is going on.

[dailythoughtsmr]

Tolerate me

I must be the most oblivious person in the world to think that what I was feeling would affect how you felt. You left me with a wonder of just why you didn't want me to kiss you; making the first move cause you would never make the first move. I guess you only tolerate me.

Tolerate my head laying on your shoulder.

Tolerate being there for me when I cry.

Tolerate staying with me for two hours just talking while I cuddle you.

Tolerate my arm slipping arounds yours when we walk out in the slush with my crappy pair of boots with no grip.

Tolerate my hand scratching the back of your head.

I have knocked down plenty of your walls, I guess I won't make it there.

[dailythoughtsmr]

Thing's continue to change as the days go on, secrets coming out in the open; fucking up relationships, one after another. The lies that spill from your lips are poison encoded leaking from the seams of your toxic tongue. Destroying what little sanity you have left but still soldiering on; even with two broken legs and pierced lungs, filling up slowly with deep red thick blood. Choking constantly on the bullshit you tr to feed me, completely fucking with my daily life.

I am taking back my loyalty and my advice; leaving you to start dealing with your bullshit all by yourself. Let's see how far your attitude gets you in life.

All you'll get is bit in the ass, cause karma is a bitch and she always collects!

[dailythoughtsmr]

Breathing underwater

"I tried breathing underwater to drown out the doubt, I cracked under the pressure and nearly bled out. You said you'd always save me so where are you, it feels like I'm failing, I'm dancing, while drowning alone." -Hot Milk

[dailythoughtsmr]

I'm sorry that I made a mess of things like I always seem too. I hurt you without trying somehow all the time. It is hard that this is all I seem to be, an unworthy person. Unfortunate life that has been stowed upon me, one I can barely manage. Why am I this way? After you take a look into my life; you'll wonder how I didn't turn up worse.

[dailythoughtsmr]

My mask

When the universe is against you in multiple ways it's hard to continue holding up the mask I seem to always have on especially when I'm at home. Leaving the house makes me actually feel positive. I'm surrounded by positive people that get me. My friends are unknowingly saving my life. The ones I have at school and the ones I had when I started back at school.

The real ones know exactly how I feel and surround me with positive energy that heals my broken energy. They hold the titles to the capacities that hold this energy, they help me make my positive energy. They support me to the ends of the world, they would do anything for me. I would do anything for them, they are my light. I will never go back to the darkness I know all too well.

[dailythoughtsmr]

A year ago today, I first touched your lips, like I couldn't survive without you near me anymore. The amount of things that have changed since then is nuts.

A year ago today, you asked me to be yours; as if you didn't want to apart any longer either. Though you're still here for me, I can't help but be jealous of my past.

A year ago today, I was hopeful for the start of an amazing relationship, which we did have but it never hit the point it was supposed to.

A year ago today, we both breached unknown territory; my first stable relationship and your first relationship ever.

Maybe things would've been different if you knew how to treat a romantic other instead of treating me like just another person in your life.

I guess I'm just meant to be someone that has to literally fight tooth and nail for everything that I should be able to have. I've fought every other monster why not add another one to the mile long list; that I hope that I live to complete.