daiten505

[daiten505]

How Y2V5 affected Kei Karuizawa: Filling In the Blanks.

I know, I know. Y2V5 again!?

Well, yes, and actually no at the same time.

Don't get me wrong, talk of it is getting very monotonous as of late, mostly because of the same old controversy surrounding Horikita keeps constantly being brought up, but for this post, I kinda want to shift things in a different gear. From all those other post of back then.

Where Kei will be the main focus of discussion in concern to Airi's expulsion.

You see, I've always felt that there was something off with Kei post Airi's expulsion. Not in terms of bad writing or anything but there was this odd nagging feeling at the back of my mind every time I read a volume past Y2V5. I could never put my finger on what exactly it was other than to just chop it up to a feeling. That is, until I read Kei's fortune card on discord.

"Rushing in love is forbidden. Observe your partner well."

I'm about 90% sure that fortune was a haphazardly put together quote that had zero bearing on the novels story in canon, but whether it was by mere coincidence or a funny accident, it had fit in well with Kei's, at the time, current writing.

That is this subtle but also not so subtle character shift.

Believe me, I know it sounds weird, and understandably so, but though there may be little talk or investment on it as a open topic, Ari expulsion had indeed dramatically affected Kei Karuizawa, just as it did everyone in Horikita's class, Ayanokouji himself included.

But that should go without saying really, because this was a turning point for everyone.

Everything changed.

Not just for Haruka, Kushida, Horikita, but also Ayanokouji, Kei and Kiyokei on a hold.

Not at the drop of a dime nor to some sudden extreme degree. But more so along the lines of a silent tremor, a blink and you'll miss it corruption, as on a fundamental level both their characters appeared to have remained consistent throughout.

When the truth could not have been anymore farther from the fact.

To begin our understanding, we just have to observe Kei's behavior in Y2V6.

I took eggs, ketchup, chicken and butter out of the fridge. After getting some salad oil from the shelf, I was all set. I brought out some frozen rice and left it defrosting it in the microwave. In the meantime, I got the onions ready. In truth, I wanted to include some carrots on the side, but I unfortunately didn’t have any stocked up. Just as I put the onions on the chopping board and picked my knife up, I felt a presence behind me. Kei had approached me and snuggled up against my back.

“What are you doing?”

Because it was slightly dangerous, I stopped what I was doing and asked without moving.

“Just watchiiing.” Kei answered, but with the side of her face stuck to my back, she shouldn’t be able to see what was going on. “It’s okay to just ignore me. I’ll stay still.”

“I see, got it.”

I did as she told and ignored her for the time being. Continuing my work, I cut the onion into squares of about 5mm each on the chopping board. The whole time I was doing that, Kei stuck snugly to my back and didn’t let go.

I then put down the knife and reached for a bowl to crack an egg, but, at that moment, Kei put her hands around my waist and hugged me.

“What are you doing this time?”

“Hmmm...? Just watchiiing.”

At least in comparison with the earlier volumes covering them dating.

At that moment, I pressed my lips onto her soft lips.

“K-Kiyotaka...”

“Were you surprised?”

“Y-yeah, I was surprised. C-couldn’t you give me a little more...advanced notice?”

Rather than with words, I answered her question with actions.

I grasped her shoulders gently and pulled her close.

“Mmm...!”

A second kiss. The moment out lips touched, Kei’s shoulders jerked upwards slightly, and I could feel her surprise.

I quickly separated from her lips, and while she was relieved, she looked at me with eyes that also seemed to regret it.

“...You caught me off guard again.”

“Really? I thought it was rather normal.”

The only way to learn the timing was to repeat it over and over again.

“At least, my heart wasn’t ready for it...”

“Then, are you ready for it this time?”

“Eh?...Yeah...”

She nodded her head and closed her eyes, showing a gesture of acceptance, and I kissed her again.

Because, recency bias aside, Kei's behavior here and in the subsequent volumes is not the same to her behavior throughout Y2V1 to Y2V4.5. If you think I'm pulling your chain then re-read those said books and you'll see what I mean.

Kei had undergone an emotional shift. Whether you agree, disagree or just simply agree to disagree, it doesn't matter, cause it is a undeniable fact to the story in universe canon.

And yes.

There is something to it.

Seeing that, Kei was never this brazen, assertive, open or straightforward when it came to the matters of love. In actuality, she was the most passive in their relationship, with spars moments of being, playful, feisty, and earnest in getting intimate.

The subtleties are there for the readers to piece it all together, and it carries the most simplest of explanations for why she is this outright ‘lovey-dovey’, and ‘touchy-feely’ with Kiyo.

And it all harkens back to Airis expulsion.

“Say, it’s a completely different topic, but can I ask you something a bit weird?” I continued to listen without stopping her, so she looked up at me with a curious face and asked, “You know how you chose to expel Sakura-san on the basis of her OAA in the special exam? If—”

When our eyes met, Kei choked on her words.

“Actually, it’s fine. It’s nothing.”

“Are you curious about what I would’ve done if you had the lowest score in the OAA?”

Her eyes widened upon being read so easily.

“I said it at that time with Ike; even if you had similar scores, the difference between the number of friends you have would be overwhelming. I wouldn’t expel you.”

“Then if I didn’t have any friends? If my status among the girls was low?”

The thoughts that had been making her anxious poured out of her in quick succession.

“That argument is meaningless. In that hypothetical, Karuizawa Kei would be a completely different person. If that were the case, you and I wouldn’t have developed our relationship to what we have right now.”

“...That’s... yeah. That might be right, but... if I was that completely different me, and I wasn’t dating you, Kiyotaka, would I have been expelled?”

Even though she understood that it was a meaningless argument, she couldn’t help but ask.

“If your abilities were like you just said, then I guess you would’ve.”

“Ugh...”

“It’s not like I don’t understand why you’d feel hurt, but that person isn’t you. It really is a different person. You were bullied and hurt, and established your position amongst the girls in order to reverse the situation once you became a high schooler. You used Yousuke, and met and went out with me. That’s Karuizawa Kei, right?”

When I went that far with my answer, Kei pouted in obvious dissatisfaction.

‘“I would’ve protected any version of you’. That’s the correct answer, ’kay?”

“...I see.”

For good reasons mind you.

Interpersonal ones to be more specific. Because It’s not just the mere fact that Airi had got expulsed that had emotionally shifted Kei's behavior, nor the actuality that she was still expelled over Kushida even after her true nature was revealed; but instead, it was the undeniable reality that Kiyotaka was the one who put Airi on the chopping block.

As a sacrificial lamb; in place of a wolf in sheep's clothing.

Someone who he was close with even before he had met her. Someone who he had told her not to mess with. And someone who had the utmost affection for him, not unlike her.

Kiyo had done something she had not expected. Something she did not predict. Or better put, did not want to think possible.

Because, arguably, Kei only had the firmest grasp on one aspect of Ayanokouji's mind set.

BUT BOY DID SHE HAD A READ ON HIM.

It’s very indicative of their relationship with how well she is able to read him. To sense and interpret his actions and motives. There were many scenes showcasing this but my favorite was where with nothing but eye contact they had a entire conversation.

They communicated with no words spoken.

And there is real intimacy in that kind of significance.

Kei achieved this, not by picking up on the minute involuntary movements of his facial expression, or by knowing him prior to coming to ANHS, but instead, as a subconscious "sixth sense". Something that is more akin to instinct. Something she feels rather than consciously register.

So what then if he does something outside of that expectation?

“Hey, hey, come over here and chat with me~.”

“Later. I’m going to do the dishes.”

“Ehh? Buuuut it’ll be 7:30 when you’re done!”

We’ll be starting our discussions when Yousuke arrives, so she cried in dissatisfaction. I ignored her and started doing the dishes. She was quiet for a while, but, unable to keep still for long, she soon started making demands of me again.

“C’mon, c’mon, come here, don’t be shy. ’kay? ’kay?”

While saying that, she patted the bed three, four times.

“Guess I don’t have a choice───”

I wanted to at least be done with the pots before Yousuke arrived, but I gave up. I sat down in the spot Kei was patting. Happy, she poked my right cheek again and again.

“Your cheek sure is soft for a boy~. Are you taking care of it?”

“Just lotion.”

For the amount of stress my teenage skin was subjected to, I thought any more care would be fundamentally useless.

“Hmmm...”

She didn’t buy it, but, at the same time, she didn’t seem to care all that much and kept poking as if she just wanted to touch me. I caught her hand, pulled her towards me and stole a kiss. I thought she’d be surprised, but she blushed and smiled as if she’d been expecting it.

“I’ve been waiting for this ever since I came to the room today.”

“... I see.”

I had to admit, I still couldn’t read her when it came to things like this.

After that, we wordlessly kissed each other again and again, our bodies close. Her kisses tasted like the omurice. It was an odd experience.

“I love you...”

Kei nuzzled up against me, and I gently held her, a quiet silence taking over us. Rather than being awkward, it was comforting. For a while, we just held each other tight.

Well her trust in him wavers. Her faith in her ability to read him becomes unstable. And that feeling of connection and safety that exist between them gets tainted; as it consequently gives rise to self doubt.

I know a lot of this sounds super meta and kind of abstract, but it’s something that I've noticed and have now finally ascertained the reason behind my nagging feeling.

That is basically.

Her behavior from Y2V6 and onwards can be seen as a reflection of that breach of trust, that boundary being crossed; where, in this volume, and all others moving forward, whether consciously or subconsciously, Kei tries to reaffirm her place in his heart.

To what would be more akin to a love bombing level of commitment.

“I could not fully ascertain why you chose to date her, Ayanokouji-kun, but there is something I could figure out. The strong trust and love she shows for you—I could go so far as to call it delusional. Perhaps you are planning to use her for some experiment down the line, or you are trying to save her. I deduced that it must be something of that nature.”

That's the best way to sum it up, because while she has no idea how romance works, she still confronts the matter head on. She may not be sure how real couples are supposed to behave but she knows this feeling of being love compensates for something she lacks and hates within herself.

However, at that point it isn't a good character trait, but a flaw. That unwavering support was an issue where she no longer made choices, but instead became led like a pawn.

True. She had accepted that Ayanokouji was not a ordinary person when his mask came off and she saw his true self. But then, after the events of Y2V5, she became preoccupied with being someone special to Ayanokouji, and that unconsciously allotted total power to him.

Without realizing it, it had mixed in with all the societal expectations applicant between a boyfriend and a girlfriend, resulting in something warped, a fawn response, hindering her growth as a person and individual by turning her parasitic trauma response into insane abandonment issues.

My take on it is that she clunged to a source of clarity and direction amid this established uncertainty. Rather than to confront the problems, she choose to nurse the hurt by always being together and increasing their level of intimacy; as the true nature of their connection became less about love and more about a shared history and a sense of comfort.

Hence the so called characterization shift.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, for Kei it might have seem easier to double down and maintain appearances than to face her anxieties and fears. Or to put it more crudely, avoid the truth she at the very least was omitting. That Kiyotaka has the capacity to cut anyone off.

“So, can I stay over tonight?”

What Kei, unable to voice her thoughts, could do was spend as much time together as possible.

In the time we shared, she wanted to do what she could to keep the connection.

There was no particular reason to refuse here.

Even if I didn’t possess a heart that could ache, there would be no downside for me.

“No, let’s stop this week. I’ll be busy preparing for the end of the year.”

I decided to refuse nonetheless.

It wasn’t a time to keep hope alive, but rather a stage of preparation to sever it.

No matter how thin and fragile the thread, Kei would come to grasp it with all her might.

“...Even just a little... Is it no good?”

“Even just a little is no good. Being only half-committed, I’d feel sorry for you.”

Still, she seemed intent on persisting, continuing her words without giving up.

“I don’t mind, I’ll just devote myself to you, Kiyotaka... I’ll... I’ll try harder to make you like me more.”

When I turned my gaze as if to respond to her words, she slightly bit her lip and closed her eyes.

“Sorry... Even though you said you don’t want to... I shouldn’t act like this, right? I’m sorry for being selfish during the important end-of-year special exam.”

“It’s fine. Let’s go to a movie together after the exams are over.”

With that reply, Kei quietly nodded “Yes.”

It's a reality that's too painful to face, so she doesn't. Instead, she buries all of that shit down. Deep down. She avoids it. Suppresses it. Borderline feign ignorance of it.

And the reason behind that could not be anymore straight forward.

After all, Ayanokouji is her “North Star”. Her emotional rock and mental anchor. Her emotional well being is very much contingent on him being her corner stone. A bedrock of a person that centers and grounds her.

I'd argue that their implied first time can be viewed as a mirror of that sentiment. Same with her words to Horikita about putting trust in Ayanokouji. They are just more subtle, and signifies its interpretation into a mixture of her insecurities and perceived version of him. A pretty nuanced grasp rooted in his capacity for humanity. The complete opposite of Kushida where she views him as some ruthless and calculus monster.

But, Airi's expulsion did a little more than just give her a character shift. That only veiled the crux of the problem and clamor the issue at hand. Because so much of the massive changes to their relationship has to do with her basically blunting the canonicity of her understanding of Ayanokouji.

This is no better encapsulated than Kei's recent avoidance of direct eye-contact with Kiyo in these vulnerable moments.

Because, again, eye-contact is their love language.

“Will you go out with me?”

“Eh?”

Kei frowned, not understanding, overflowing with doubt, she looked back at me.

“What are you talking about? Where are you going?”

It seemed like she understood that as where I wanted her to accompany me, so she asked that.

“I don’t mean that. I mean to ask you if you would go out with me?”

“No, I mean- you mean...I don’t...understand...”

There was no need to continue talking. I looked into Kei’s eyes, and Kei accepted it. I wouldn’t consider the situation where we weren’t actually that close now. But between the two of us now, it only took matching up our gazes to convey our feelings.

“Wait, eh, ha, ehhhh!? This, what kind of joke is this, it’s such a bad one...!?”

Kei has a sharp mind and high emotional intelligence. She is intuitive to a remarkable degree and through her relationship with Kiyo developed something of an uncanny knack in communicating with him just via eye-contact alone. However, as the story progressed from Y2V5 onwards, we see Kei run from this. Block it even.

It’s a snowball effect from her characters emotional shift.

Hear me out.

Her self-destructive and unhealthy attempts to camouflage her insecurities, to put a lid on those anxieties and cling to the only basis of intimacy, only had served to dampened and darkened everything around it.

I haven't seen any, if there exist at all, speculations in the wake of Kei's Charlie Brown like syndrome, but, If there was, I'm sure the shared consensus had interpreted it as a shield to conceal her underlying emotions and vulnerable feelings.

Lifeless eyes were looking at me.

The slow movement of the lips saying, ‘Let’s break up.’

I don’t know what he’s thinking... no, I don’t want to know.

“...That’s the only option, right?”

As what she really was most scared of, is catching a glimpse of the old Ayanokouji—arguably, the "real" him. I think, on some unconscious level, a product of her thoughts, anxieties, and insecurities. Kei buried it deep within her psyche. She knows this, and acknowledges that there is an implication that, If it is the White Room Kiyotaka who she sees reflected back to her in those touchy moments, then she most probably has zero bearing in his heart.

I've touched on it already but still, it has to be repeated, because, Ayanokouji means the world to Kei. So of course she was afraid. Afraid she'd be rejected and never looked at with same kind of fondness as before Sakura's expulsion. Afraid of the idea of him leaving her. Afraid, she would just become another student to be sacrificed for the success of the class at best and a forgotten memory at worst.

They may not have been together long enough for her to really get to see what makes him tick or to understand the perspective he was bringing into things—but, Kei still got to see the many facets that made him up.

And there's real intimacy to that all on its own.

Hence probably why she had felt like she couldn't just let him go—because she's afraid that, if she does, she'll be letting go of the very last piece of herself that's still alive and holding on from before all her trauma had came to be.

This is not of course to dismiss the presence of her parents or other family members in her life, but we all know, on some level, that this is true. For all intents and purposes. It's not a matter of personal interpretation or fanon, it's a matter of lying to yourself vs not lying to yourself.

But, anyway, that's neither here nor there, and is in a different vein to all that we've discussed so far.

That said.

What does holds significance however, is how everything mentioned thus far fits in well to further the whole illusion idea in Chapter 5 of Y2V12.5.

At least, as a really self-defeating, self-fulfilling prophecy on Kei's end.

"Let's break up."

Yes.

Our feelings had been the same.

As long as we both knew that we cared for each other, it would be ok.

I was thinking about everything properly, Kiyotaka.

About everything until yesterday, about today, about tomorrow, and about next year.

I was thinking that there would be no such breakup.

That it wouldn't come to that...

'I' had always believed in that.

But... all those desires were just delusions.

They were merely wishes of how I wanted things to be.

Because, Ayanokouji's repetitive dismissal of her and their relationship ultimately used Kei’s preconceived recency bias about their crumbling romance against her. Some part of her had already became convinced that they couldn't make it last.

From a outsiders perspective looking in, we know that a rift had came in between them after what happened to Sakura. And, depending on your translation of Y2V6, Arisu described Kei's love for Kiyo as blind faith or delusion. We also know that as the story progressed through Year 2, Kiyo frequently blew Kei off and treated her with cold professionalism. In addition to all those other things with Ichinose.

So, when Ayanokouji finally said the words, ‘Let’s break up.’, that moment acted as an outward, spoken confirmation of the truth of their predicament. Where for Kei, it forced her to face the harsh reality of their situation, and not to pretend to not notice the truth of the matter—that she had clung to the illusion of their relationship despite the many growing cracks.

In this sense, the premise of the illusion symbolizes the convergence of build upon misunderstandings. One where Kei gaslights herself and remained trapped in a specifically held belief. Not just as a misunderstanding of the situation but also of herself.

After all, Kei even questioned when she started liking him; a painful and distorted perception seeing as she said she could no longer remember.

And added to that is the fact that they had lock eyes in that moment, and what was reflected to her, were 'Lifeless eyes'. And given all that we've discussed thus far, this was obviously meant to be seen as significant.

It is what honestly and truly has her lose hope for their relationship. And have her become overwhelmed in her own individual despair.

The thought that her partner never loved her became all consuming.

But what is to take great note of here is that Kei did not try to understand what those eyes meant. Only that they were a sign of the end of their relationship, and there’s nothing more that she can do but to accept it.

It was meant to be a lasting impression on her that they could not return to how things were. Whether that was purposeful or not.

Obviously this is just my own opinion. Like everything else mentioned in this post. But it feels inevitable now given all the context we've discussed, right? Sakura's expulsion mattered. Those little things not only added up but they become immensely impactful as the ripple of effect grew and accumulated in many scenes that deepened our understanding of Kei, Ayanakouji and their relationship.

Kei loved him, she wept for him; She experienced connection and emotion on a level that allowed her to be weak in front of him, to fail in front of him, to get frustrated and angry and overwhelmed around him.

Those things are the actual results of feeling genuine love, companionship, and fulfillment. It's knowing who the other is at their core that's important. They can’t just be written off as puppy love, validated by infatuation. She has the experience and the memories of that experience and feelings. Something she could never truly say was regrettable. No matter how long she had to try.

So of course when Ayanokouji does something like expel Sakura it would have a profound impact on her. Even if they were still mostly strangers to each other.

There is something to it.

Alright. I think I'll close things off here for now. It may not be the best place to end everything, but honestly, I think if I don't stop here now I'll just start to ramble on and loose the plot of my post. All I really wanted to do was just address what have been bugging me for a couple years now. It wasn't done to the best of my abilities but fuck it. I'll update everything when it comes to it. Anyway, peace.

[daiten505]

Year 3 Ayanokouji Kiyotaka: A Void Of Love

God, I'm really about to make a case for the opposition, aren't I? Damn, my dedication to this series canon is Miguel O'hara fucked.

This post is something of an explanation/analysis of what's happening with Ayanokouji in Year 3. Not as some big deep dive but more so like a summary of things. A bit strange and awkward for me as a Kei fan, because it will mostly be Ichinose and Hiyori centric, but seeing the state of things in the shipping community, due to the recent development in Y3V2, I say fuck it.

I think something like this needs to be discussed.

Not to please any one fandom or push any one character agenda, but to establish a method to this madness. To reason that there is some kind of order to this chaos. While simultaneously going hand in hand with the state of Y3 and what's been happening with Hiyori.

Mind you, I am not a undergraduate in some prestigious school nor do I have a bachelors degree or masters in psychology or any of its several branches. I'm just some guy on the internet who loves shipping and who see's something he wants to talk about so he wants to share his opinion on the topic.

And that topic this time around is on Ayanokouji's behavior following his break up with Kei. Because believe it or not, that was a catalyst for this upturn. For this change. For everything, and not just that promise night between Ichinose and him.

But that doesn't take away from the intimacy of the scene. It would be very disingenuous for me to claim such. However, I think, on some unconscious level, buried deep within his psyche, Ayanokouji knows this.

Take his behavior in Chapter 9 part 2 for example:

The consecutive messages I had sent now had been read.

Indeed, Ichinose was awake, and she had definitely seen my messages.

Another 10, then 20 minutes passed as I waited for a reply.

However... there was no contact.

Ichinose was free to miss the promised day.

And her answer is silence, huh...?

Both possibilities existed, but honestly, I had expected some kind of reaction.

Maybe I expected too much.

If she had chosen silence, then the decision I’d make was already clear.

I should consider that I’ve given Ichinose enough time to think.

However...

I slowly raised myself where I was sitting on the bed.

I still wanted to check directly.

For the past year, I continued to influence Ichinose Honami for my own sake.

So it was only natural to want to see the result.

It’s fine being rejected, but I want to know the state she’s in.

Such a desire naturally arose within me.

At the very end, even if I had to concede—I might as well go and confirm the answer.

This is Ayanokouji monologue in his room before he had met up with Ichinose on that Promise night. A monologue that is eerily reminiscent to his narration back in chapter 1 of Y2V9.5, when he was trying to get in contact with Kei concerning their date. [He even turned to cleaning his room like back then.]

I glanced at the calendar on my desk in my room. The December calendar, with a heart drawn in pink ink enclosing the dates 24th and 25th... but...

It happened last night, after the end of the second term.

I tried to contact Kei directly on the 24th, but the call didn't go through.

I waited for a while, sending messages, and waiting for a response, but they remained unread.

After about an hour of hesitation, I finally got a call back.

The first word I heard from Kei, who was coughing weakly but intensely, was “Influenza.”

All this to say Kei does play some part in how things are unfolding.

But... at the same time... I don't think it's that simple. There's more to it than that. This isn't just a story about one singular girl solving Ayano problems, it's a story about how each of them help him rediscover and let free the emotions he had long since given up on or have repressed for so long ago[ due to trauma.] (This is my take though.)

In that specific regard, to go back to what I was saying earlier, Ayanokouji behavior before the two had met up displayed a level of anxiety not seen since Y2V9.5. At it's core it is still within the realms of how Ayanokouji acts, using logic to reason his way out of something emotional and reduce it into something blunt and un-special.

But, no matter how many logical reasoning he applied to those words back then, or how by the books he makes it sound to have it make sense, it doesn't do anything about the contradictory nature of it all. It doesn't mask the underlying driving force. It couldn't have, because, it was obviously a trap.

One to sweet and tantalizing for him to ignore. Perhaps because of blatant curiosity, perhaps because of fascination, or some kind of twisted fetishizing. Maybe it is all the above and more. After all, Kei and him had a break up and as we saw a couple days after that promise night, there had existed some lingering behavior tied to her.

I believe when trying to understand a characters motives, actions, intentions and psyche dynamics, you cant just treat their moments as a collection of stand alone scenes devoid of context. You can’t just say - “well here’s a scene where they do or say this so obviously everything before and after that simply amounts to this." No. That's what's called recency bias.

Because, nothing exist within a vacuum.

No matter how much we want some things too.

As much as I want to say Ichinose was purely a "rebound" fling for Ayanokouji and that they don't have anything special going on between them, that would be a bold face lie. It wouldn't be true. And would be considered writing their bond off and placing it within a vacuum; which wouldn't be right nor true to what's been taking place currently.

Ayanokouji has long since shown he had a thing for Ichinose way back since Year 1. He even ranked some of the girls in his grade looks and ranked her to the top, unmatched even by Kushida and Horikita who he had classified both are in second place. He has always had this weird infatuation with her. This irrational attraction/obsession where he desired for closeness with her not so much in the romantic sense but also not just as a women.

And they had consummate that bond on that promise night. As an absolute contract. A mutual agreement of a relationship where Ayanokouji himself has labeled as: "to be needed and to need the other."; where not only they help each other in their academic escapades but they also get comfort from each other. Physical, emotional and sexual.

So, referring to their relationship as a "rebound" fling, or calling them "sex friends"/ "friends with benefits" miss represents the point. It dismiss their feelings, and underscores the bond and the relationship they share.

What he is experiencing with Ichinose might not be love in its innate traditional conceptual self, but Ayanokōji has dissected his feelings and the dynamics of their interactions enough to claim that what he and Ichinose have is something not many would grasp or understand. A unique bond no one will be able to understand through common societal standards. A relationship where both vows to mutually devour each other.

And that is not our place to object. It is something we all should fully respect.

Yet at the same time, I was being drawn in by her unknown charm.

I thought I had finished needing to learn.

But perhaps, it had just been the beginning.

In that room, just the two of us, the night continued to darken.

It wasn’t a ritual to become lovers.

If it were, it wouldn’t have worked from the start.

It was an absolute contract, to be needed and to need the other.

And so, we were being bound together with that contract, sinking deeper and deeper, as we devoured each other endlessly.

As he welcomed Ichinose's overwhelming self destructive emotions of love with open arms. To be happily consumed by it. choked by it. Drowned in it.

He made his choice.

He entered that unspoken contract with Ichinose because he caught sight of something that had overturned all his pre conceived notions. An unknown charm he wanted to feel, to gauge; to understand what's more in it that he hadn't yet known from the reference book of love titled Kei Karuizawa.

Cause, he is intoxicated by it. He finds it exhilarating and irresistible. After all, Ichinose had opened his eyes to something he thought he was finished learning. Not only that, she also completely played him. Took advantage of his deep seated curiosity and manipulate him, and even blew all his predictions and expectations out the park.

A detail I've noticed aligns itself with that one narrated monologue with Sato back in Y2V9.5.

After finishing the call, I felt a subtle change in my emotions within the empty room.

Manipulating others with my own words.

That is, for me, classified as 'fun' behavior.

It didn't matter if the words were true or false.

The fact that I even found the other’s attempts to manipulate me 'fun.'

I even wanted to welcome being deceived unknowingly.

To know and learn about people. To be taught.

Many more people—or perhaps, bigger and unknown, giant opponents.

If I could control and master such people, I couldn't help but think it would be even more enjoyable.

And also tailors into Kiyo's narration about being drawn in by darkness back on the cruise ship in Y1V4.

Karuizawa’s dark eyes met with mine. People who carry darkness within are attracted to one another. Slowly, they erode each other. Those who conceal a deep darkness will readily embrace the darkness of others.

Of course, I feel like their unique bond isn't just solely rooted in both of those reasons. If it is, then that is fine. It does explain why he was sure no one would understand their unfathomable relationship. That said, I believe there is a bit more to it than just that.

There is something to it.

And,

Knowing and accepting each other darkness is just one facet of their bond. Being manipulated and consumed by Ichinose is another. But, at it's core, what's important about their relationship is that unconditional need for one another. Even if they are still mostly strangers to each other.

Knowing that fact is where their touch-starved emotional involvement presides.

But this might not be a valid interpretation, as ultimately, what exactly drives their bond is unknown to us the readers. And as a Kei fan, I can't give it it's deserved justice as maybe a Ichinose fan can.

However,

To nuance my perspective with my two cents, It's basically something immeasurable born from the depths of the book of love titled Kei Karuizawa. A form of unintended byproduct to learning the essence of love. Remember, it's after he and Kei broke-up that he is now haphazardly jumping around from experience to experience.

 Every human being craves human connection, human touch, and a desires for closeness. And when silence starts to make noise, even Ayanokouji himself is no different. His bond with Kei was a long term relationship that had been fixed in stability, predictability, comfort, and ongoing two way emotional negotiation; which is at the polar spectrum of what he and Ichinose has: compulsive, not knowing, roller coaster and longing.

A form of experience with which Ichinose has subjected him too. A feeling of liberation that conveniently ignores all that hard work involved in a long term relationship. (this is not meant in a bad sense) 

We can't say for sure that Kiyo is not using her as a new experiment or that he is just enjoying himself, but we should agree that Ichinose has awaken something in him. And perhaps by undergoing that, he was open to the idea of Hiyori.

What I'm trying to say here is that Ichinose played a vital role in how this development came to be. But... I can't bring myself to say that there's nothing more to the Hiyori ship than that.

Hiyori was actually very special to Kiyo way before these events ever took place. There are multiple instances of this spread throughout the novels. So, no, Kiyo and Hiyori relationship is not poorly written nor poorly executed. It is true that it being brought up now is a bit of a surprise, but, I do not think it is fair, or accurate, to dismiss their feelings because now she is given focus in the category of love.

Is what he felt for Hiyori actual love? Is he confused? Playing some kind of long con? We don't know as of yet. There is no one single "magic answer" we can give to appease these questions except that love is what he is more than likely feeling.

As the Hiyori shippers has said before, even with all these schemes and manipulations, he totally respects and cherishes his time with her just as much as her presence. Sideline from class exams, class leaders and any behind the scenes manipulations. They were a relationship in the background that had evolved into something complex, without his knowledge or influence for his own sake.

Still, we can’t just believe this just popped up out of no where. Sure, on a surface level, it was the words of his peers that triggered the snow ball effect of emotions, but as I said before nothing exist within a vacuum.

Ok, so I haven't really read Y3V1 or Y3V2 as of yet to find out what could have sparked this sudden burst of interest in Hiyori to make it seem a little rushed or forced, but if we go off the thought process of Kiyo still going through an emotional rollercoaster of indecision, then I can definitely see him crushing on her.

After all, this is his last year in ANSH, and she does kinda embody the whole "normal school life" motif he was so obsessed with. I mean, though this might be a bit disagreeable to some, that was an entire plot point. Then again, the authorial intent might have been just to portray that as a a gag. 

He could still be hung up on it, even now, similar to how in Y2V9.5 he told himself to enjoy his everyday life, but as of right now this idea is more fanon than canon.

WITH ALL THAT BEING SAID.

I don't think it is not at all impossible to assume he over-infantilized her nearing the end.

At least in the form of Lacan's objet petit a. In layman's terms, it is an object of longing desire with which you are devoid of. A trait, ideal, or aspect present in something or someone that makes them desirable to you.

But that doesn't mean that their relationship lacks intimacy or complexity. Their relationship being built from the absence of his plans is a feature not a bug. In that specific regard, there is a real maturity to their relationship that doesn't really get enough attention or praise from the fanbase.

Hiyori and Ayanokouji relationship isn't just about being book buddies.

With Hiyori, Ayanokouji feels more comfortable with her than he does with most people. Comfortable enough to get carried away. Such as naturally talking to her on a first name basis. He only seemed to actually realize this in part thanks to Hirata who had pointed it as something strange.

They both might have just initially bonded over a shared passion, love and taste in books, but a genuine, caring and appreciative blink-and-you'll-miss-it bond was created.

I honestly have a very difficult time comprehending it myself, but my guess for it would be that books are probably subconsciously attached to a comfortable and calming experience. So he more than likely infatuates Hiyori with that, hence this monumentally wonderful and genuine connection that comes naturally as someone like Ayanokouji could possibly have.

So, basically.

She is the perfect companion. No unrealistic exaggerations to her character as she is someone who would, without judgement, accepts and trust the truth about him.

Being neutral here though, taking it from a logical standpoint such as this, kinda messes with her personhood and fetishizes her as a manic pixie dream person. So much of what I just said is my head canon and might not fucking be true for the stories irl canon.

If anything, still, Ayanokouji admits he might be in love with Hiyori. And this is true, he eluded to it several times and we've seen how her mere presence affects him, which is quite interesting to see.

Though, I honestly want to see a more thorough development between him and Ichinose. Even if I know a relationship between them never ever could have worked out. After seeing all that Kiyo had put this girl through, I think she at least deserves to be given a shot at romance. The affection they have for each other might teeter on the edge of addiction and feeds some twisted kind of ego but I wanna observe how this selfish kind of love born from mutual need plays out. (no matter how odd it sounds.)

This is the masochistic shipper side of me talking.

I mean, after all aren't we all curious to know how Ayanokouji and Ichinose relationship will develop moving past that promise night? Or what exactly Ichinose had for him to learn? Whether or not there’s any romantic interaction.

Okay, that's it from me for now. PEACE.

[daiten505]

(Spoilers ahead for Y2V9 and Y2V9.5)

This post will more or less center around Kiyotaka and Kei's 'fight' throughout both those said volumes. This includes the subsequent events leading up to it, the aftermath and obviously the resolution.

Now, I won't claim that I have this deep understanding of these character, but I would like to share my thoughts on what I perceive about their relationship. And to me Y2V9 and Y2V9.5 says something quite nuance.

So, I hope with this rant, no scratch that, I wish to with this rant overturn the notion that there was no feelings in their relationship from Kiyo side.

Ergo.

To understand what Ayanakoji had dubbed the "cold war" he and Kei experienced we must first grasp why he used that specific wording.

And well, Year 2 volume 9 makes that pretty apparent. We were told it on more than one occasion.

“No word from Kei?”

I could have told her that it was over, but I would meet her at school tomorrow either way.

If I were to put forward an explanation then, that should be more than plenty.

So I decided to leave it as it is without any contact today.

AFEW DAYS HAD passed since Kanzaki's and Ichinose's student council issue came to an end.

Yes.

Kei has been essentially giving him the silent treatment ever since their disagreement concerning him spending his free time with Ichinose. She has been doing this for what was stated to be a couple of days and mor than likely a week by the time he actually called their situation a cold war to Horikita.

Ignoring him while still giving him looks of wanting to make up. And his response to that was to do the same to her.

After school on the day when Ryuuen and Ichinose, opponents in the upcoming battle, had a small altercation, Horikita invited me to a study group asusual, but naturally, I declined.

Kei had been paying attention to me while avoiding talking to me since this morning, and I had no plans for the rest of the day.

That was why I could devote my time to solving the troublesome problems that had been thrust upon me.

This passive-aggressive lack of communication fits in well with the context of a "cold war"; where there is no direct method of engagement but still exist a prolonged period of tension. In this context, it is characterized by an withholding of communication, mix signals of encourage and emotional abuse through avoidance.

Not from one side but both.

And those things kept on escalating. But funnily enough, Kei did not refuse to communicate with him to particularly punish or manipulate him. She was just angry and confuse. Yet, to Kiyo, all of her behaviors registered themselves as indirect forms of aggression.

Why else would he use the term, cold war.

He probably even saw Ichinose, Horikita and the rest of the girls who tried to push him to make up with Kei as unaware proxy's in this non-existent war of theirs.

“By the way, Karuizawa-san hasn’t been well lately. She’s been working hard on her studies, but is there something wrong?”

“Nothing. If I had to say, we may be in something resembling a bit like a cold war.”

“I wouldn't call it nothing. It's rare to see you two fight.”

“It happens when a man and a woman have been together for a long time. I know that well from experience.”

Horikita raised her eyebrows and looked doubtful, as if she didn't like my answer.

“It's a good thing that she was able to get results in the study sessions and in the competition, even though she was in an unstable state of mind.”

“It was said that she was so mentally cornered that she devoted herself to studying which she dislikes... Karuizawa-san's morale can easily also affect the rest of our class. Make up with her as soon as possible.”

As a leader, you want to keep the class stable.

I saw Horikita off as she returned to the classroom and then I decided to leave.

When in truth, they were just being genuine and showcasing concern.

The really depressing part of this though is, given the circumstances of them being locked in a cold war, Ayanokouji more than likely internalized it in the "sense" that he must win.

That if he gave in, it might as well be taken as him admitting defeat. After all, wining is everything.

As I expected, there was no call from Kei on my cell phone, and she didn’t seem to be waiting for me in the lobby.

I wonder if Kei will be able to keep her distance from me and diminish her relationship with me.

No, that was something I didn't need to think about yet.

As long as she acted as a host’s parasite, she wouldn’t be able to escape on her own and take independent action.

The elevator arrived on the first floor, so I planned to get on and go to the fourth floor.

I should concentrate on Kiryuuin's case rather than Kei's.

But beneath the surface of it all, the emotional detachment, the dismissal, and indifference, was this unacknowledged desire to resolve their grievances.

“You know...”

Kei quietly came near me and talked to me in a small voice.

“What's wrong?”

“Well, I think it's about time for me to forgive you...”

She hesitantly brought up the topic.

But soon after, Horikita came to my seat.

“Ayanokouji-kun, may I have a word?”

“I'm sorry, Horikita-san, can we do this later?”

“I wish I could do that, but unfortunately, it's a student council matter. Kiriyama wants us to gather in the student council room right now.”

As if to confirm that it was true, Horikita showed me the message on her cell phone.

Behind Horikita stood a smiling Kushida.

“Sorry Kei, we'll talk after this is over. Call me anytime.”

“Umm... yes. Have a good day.”

To reconcile with each other and get back together. This would of course be conveyed through an analytical approach just like always, a hallmark of Ayanokōji's personality where he tends to engage in self-reflection and view's interactions through a lens of strategy and control, rather than pure emotion.

Kei was watching me the whole time.

After missing the opportunity yesterday, I hadn’t heard from Kei until now.

However, she seemed to be trying to make contact with me, since she was looking at me right before I left.

If it’s hard to talk in a crowded place like this; we should relocate.

At the moment, Kei is still unstable and lacks a decisive factor for me to take action.

I can’t expect her to grow if we continue to be estranged, so it can’t be helped.

With this in mind, I decided to leave the classroom for a while, but...

“Are you going home alone?”

I went out into the hallway and the one who came running after me was not

Kei, but Horikita.

I think the beauty of this passage lies in how straightforward and ironic it is. No matter what words are said or how logical a reasoning he comes up with, it is simply him trying to convince himself. After all, according to him, this situation complicates his plans; so it can't be help. Even though early up he spoke about seeing how them fighting would affect him but still wanted to make up with Kei the day after. Or that in their make up he then switched to saying making Kei fall back on her dependency and making her more dependent on him was always the calculated move.

He says and do one thing then up and does the direct opposite; contradicting himself time and time again, not because he is indecisive or lacks a firm opinion, but because, as Koenji had pointed out in Y2V12.5, his words are mixed with impurities.

Since distancing myself from Kei, who I always did things with, I had been returning to my usual life.

But that wasn’t to say our relationship was over.

It was more like a temporary break between lovers due to my purposefully caused misunderstandings.

There has been exactly no change in my emotional state due to those events.

Of course, it’s no other than because I’m the one who led the situation to this stalemate, but if this was an unexpected turn of events, would I have been able to feel a bit shaken?

“...I wonder.”

In the end, emotional changes were based on the premise that the other person was indispensable to you. If that wasn’t the case, emotions wouldn't be affected.

It is hard to tell what is the truth from what is false with Kiyo, but it is in the exploration into the Winter Break, that we the readers can see ripples in that self-presentation.

Originally, I was supposed to have a morning date with Kei.

Unfortunately, it was rainy, and the bad weather had continued since winter break. While it was a little disappointing, the forecast already predicted rain all day on Christmas, so no one hoped for clear skies.

I had no control over the weather, so there was no helping it. But there was something unexpected that happened.

I glanced at the calendar on my desk in my room. The December calendar, with a heart drawn in pink ink enclosing the dates 24th and 25th... but...

It happened last night, after the end of the second term.

I tried to contact Kei directly on the 24th, but the call didn't go through.

I waited for a while, sending messages, and waiting for a response, but they remained unread.

After about an hour of hesitation, I finally got a call back.

The first word I heard from Kei, who was coughing weakly but intensely, was “Influenza.”

In the context of their cold war, we see first hand him putting up airs that everything was under control. That he was seemingly unfazed as, obviously, there was no change in his behavioral patterns.

If Kei were to tell me to cancel the promise in the meantime, there would be a possibility of it falling through, but as of now, that seemed unlikely.

If there were any changes to Kei's feelings, it would be due to interference from a third party’s suggestion, but someone as dependent as Kei wouldn't entertain such ideas.

If there was any hope of repairing our relationship, I couldn't imagine abandoning the option as a way out.

It was unclear how quickly it would take for her to recover, but for now, we decided to wrap up our conversation in the shortest time possible before the end of the year.

Both of us had various things we wanted to confirm about our relationship and current situation, but considering Kei's high fever and battered state, it wasn't possible to have a proper conversation.

At the beginning of V9.5 Ayanokouji talked about how he had entered into the cold war with a plan of action, but due to the weather and outbreak of influenza all that went downhill and now he has an abundance of free time on his hand.

It’s still early in the afternoon. Heading home now would leave me with an excess of idle time in my room.

I took out my phone and scrolled through my contacts.

It wouldn't be a bad idea to call up a male friend and hang out.

“...No one comes to mind.”

I skimmed through the list and quietly turned off my phone screen.

Without thinking about it too much, I realized I had almost no experience of spontaneously calling up a friend of the same gender to hang out.

“Are you free? Why don't we hang out for a while?”

The thought of saying that and being rejected with a simple “I'm busy” was disheartening.

Yōsuke might’ve understood my feelings and accepted my invitation, but I didn't want him to feel obligated to do so.

In other words, inviting someone to hang out could be quite challenging and demanding.

Ultimately, it was better for me to remain alone rather than inconveniencing others.

“What even is a friend, I wonder?”

Free time of which he doesn't know what to do anything with.

As I progressed through the second half of my second year, I once again recognized my struggle with the social aspect of life.

I descended to the first floor on the escalator.

It was still daytime, and the number of students there had increased considerably.

If initiating a conversation was difficult, could there be an alternate approach? For example, a chance encounter?

It would be great to be unexpectedly discovered and invited to hang out. I looked around, but at times like these, my classmates were nowhere to be found.

No students from my year were in sight either.

If I continued searching around for someone, I might come across as suspicious.

For that reason, I abandoned the idea of meeting someone and chose to enjoy my solo time instead.

Free time of which he has nothing to keep himself occupy on, like back in Y2V9.

It was a rental shop – a place I rarely visit. This shop offered an array of DVDs and BDs featuring movies and anime, both old and new. They also had music CDs.

But the demand for such a shop wasn't very high, since we could watch video content anytime and anywhere through a monthly online streaming service if we got permission from the school.

Only those seeking to watch specific titles visited the shop, resulting in a limited customer base.

This made me decide to pay the shop a visit during the winter break.

With ample time on my hands, it was good to have such an experience every once in a while.

I felt like I was making excuses, but I wasn't lonely at all.

Just to be sure, I mentally repeated this to myself.

Time of which he spends idling around as if like suffering from crippling ADHD and OCD. Exploring different shops in Keyaki Mall, fixating on anything materialistic, such as with the on sale yogurt makers, milk and Christmas cakes, and even paying meticulous attention to details when cleaning his room.

Backing this up is that one line from Kiryūin.

“I laughed because you acted so much like a normal high school student. Insisting on a yogurt maker is unusual, but it wouldn't be odd if you replaced it with another desired product.” “I see...”

The narrative may very much be on Ayanokouji's side from start to finish, but Kinu drawed deliberate attention to Kiyo thoughts, actions and choices, focusing primarily on what they say about his character. Because, for the boy name Kiyotaka Ayanokouji, this is not at all normal behavior. He was a total goof for like 75% of the volume.

Perhaps Ayanokouji himself knows that or perhaps he doesn't. This is not something that has been ascertain exactly. But, what cannot be written off is what Kiryūin line exculpate; that, Ayanokouji's actions thus far and moving forward, were an attempt to relocate his attention to anything and everything he could find; so as to fill in for the absence of something irreplaceable.

Or someone irreplaceable.

On a side note, the image of her happily humming while leaving the room to join the New Year's gathering with her friends was still burned into my memory.

All done in the pursuit to not face the fact that he was lonely and missing out on anything special.

NOW BEING IN the second year, the Advanced Nurturing High School’s winter break began for the second time.

There was no need to do anything special.

Just being able to enjoy the holidays that many students experience was the best. A fulfilling time.

However, the time left for me was silently, but surely, decreasing.

Yet, there was no hurry.

Because, just being able to live for myself until today, I was satisfied enough.

Friends.

Lovers.

Upperclassmen and underclassmen.

Encounters.

I had been staying at this school for a long time, as have many others. From here on out, it will be an extended battle.

I'll spend every second of my remaining time as a student, as long as it's allowed.

And eventually, it will come—

Parting

Today is not a given.

Neither is tomorrow.

Every day, we must understand that our daily lives are irreplaceable.

Because, contrary to everything Ayanokouji claims, he is experiencing genuine feelings and struggling to maintain them. He was restless, awkward and vulnerable. To the extent, he was pretty much off his game for more than a third of the volume.

That was, until Chapter 5: A Quiet Tremor; where Kei's feelings to make up were ascertained.

That was the crucial point. The trigger in between the stillness.

It may have been quiet, dull and lacked the diversion spiral of the former chapters, but there was still a significant change in his underlying emotions. Not as a grand gesture or some defined transformation, but as a subtle transition that had verged on the act of taking a small step.

“By the way... what about the question I asked earlier?”

“You didn't forget?”

“I remember it clearly.”

Surprisingly, Yamamura had a rather pushy side to her, or perhaps one of the walls between us had been removed.

“I'll make up with her properly. It's already planned.”

Where before when asked if the two would make up, he would play coy, this time his answer was certain.

“It's almost the end of the year... You're going to make up, right?”

Rather than doubting whether we would meet, she was more concerned about what would happen when we did meet.

Feeling the unease, she must’ve been acting out of concern for Kei's well- being.

She might not have been considering the impact of this phone call on the other party, but for now, I wanted to appreciate the feelings she had for her best friend.

“I was just about to contact Kei just now about the promise.”

“Is that so? That means... you're going to make up with her, right?”

“Of course, that's the plan. Unless Kei has other plans and can't make it.”

Firm even. His path forward was no longer shrouded in obscurity. He was no longer passive, indecisive or awkward as at the start of the volume. Kiyo had regained his vigor. Those moment of uncertainty he had, now lacked that sense of desperation they once carried.

And Kei seemed to be the catalyst for that change.

That said, at his heart, at his core, Kiyo remained stagnant nonetheless.

After all, it is evident in the fact that his emotions were not moved in the slightest. He didn't feel anyhow or way during the period of their estrangement. His character remained consistent throughout their split and gave no internal conflict which gives a more solid foundation to his belief, nor did he care enough to even want to meet up and nurse her back to health when she was sick.

To him, nothing was out of check in his nature over the course of their cold war.

The problem was not that he couldn't wrap his head around what exactly that briming "feeling" was, or that he couldn't define it, but that he just did not want to figure it out.

Affection. Emotion. Have I been able to learn about love over time?

That was the first point to consider.

I had learned a lot of emotions in this school.

Classes, conversations with friends, talks with teachers, shopping, playing.

With that, I learned what was interesting, not interesting, fun, not fun, delicious, not delicious, and many more.

Through my relationship with Kei, I learned a lot about what lovers experience and go through.

Conversations, dates, and acts of intimacy that could only be done as a couple.

I could probably say that I had taken all the actions that would be considered model answers.

So, could I say that I've learned the feeling of love?

The answer was probably different. It wasn’t the same as learning emotions.

My heart hadn’t been swayed at all—from before I started dating Kei until now.

That was something I'd asked myself over and over on a daily basis.

I didn't know the answer, but I had a hunch.

It was that I saw Kei as a vehicle to learn about love. I prioritized experiences that could only be done as a couple. In other words, I left that emotion behind when I moved ahead to the next step before my subconscious had caught up.

For all his talk about wanting to learn the emotion of love, Ayanokouji does not want to be seen. He does not want to be understood. Nor does he want to be completely *genuine*. Not even after he reached the common understanding that he can never learn about emotions unless he becomes open to the experience.

Love is a two way thing; something based in trust and vulnerability. Everyone has their own different and uniquely tailored opinions on it but it is universally agreed upon to have numerous definitions surrounding it.

That's the funny thing about this thing call love. Every person has their own interpretation of it base on many variable. And for Kiyo, he is of the strong opinion that regardless if he gains the experience of love or any emotion for that matter, nothing about him would change. It will be just learning after all. And his view on love, I would say, is about the conflict with that belief.

That if there is someone out there who makes him hesitate, wanting to drop everything and give up on his life long goals to ensure his freedom, then maybe that can be considered love in a sense. Because, if he truly does abandon his plans which hinges on his freedom, it then could only mean that he had fell in love.

This is more me heading into the realm of uncertainty and playing armchair psychiatrist right now, however, my take on this moment in specifically, showcases Koenji's view on Ayanojoui about his words mixing with impurities. It is not that he is telling a lie or telling the truth, omitting certain things, or just not being truthful; but it is more like he is so emotional scarred and broken that not even he can tell when he is being 'real'.

The existence of him wanting to change but is so emotionally wounded that he would fall back in his bad habits. He is a walking contradiction who is in a constant fight of logic vs emotions.

The true tragedy that is him is that, like Batman and Goblin Slayer, his trauma stopped time for him. He's still confined in that White room, just as much as Bruce Wayne is stuck in that Alley way, Goblin Slayer is hidden underneath that floor board and Shirou Emiya is trapped beneath rubble.

He wants to stop. He wants to change. He wants to be better, become human. But most of all he wants to beak free of his conditioning and escape the confines that is the white room and by association his father.

But he has been too conditioned to change. Thus why I believe he has a fear of love. Subconsciously at least. Because being in love means being vulnerable; trusting someone who you have no reason to trust even if you know that there is a possibility they may betray you and use your insecurities as a weapon.

Love is terrifying because it is like a double-edged sword.

And I think his final words to Arisu show's he carries that belief. Even if somewhat.

This was the courage Sakayanagi needed to express herself.

"I have come to like you."

Such words.

"This is not as a human being, but as a person of the opposite sex."

I quietly listened to those words from Sakayanagi—words that could be taken as a confession.

"Can you just remember that?"

"Do you not need a reply?"

"Yes. I don't need that right now. Please feel free to go home."

"Is that so?"

I wanted to turn around and walk away, but I stopped.

"Can you let me say just one thing?"

"What is it?"

"I probably value you more than you think, Sakayanagi. That's why I want to know."

I just had to know at that moment.

"Can you turn that emotion from a weakness into a strength?"

Sakayanagi was smart; she would surely understand what I meant.

So there was no need for further explanation.

"What a foolish question."

Sakayanagi laughed as she replied. Her eyes shone brightly even in the darkness, full of a strong color.

I rant on a bit too much here but overall, during the entire thing of their cold war, as Kiyo put it. Kei avoided him and he avoided her. He even said so on multiple occasions. He used cold war not just because it sounded cool but it was the best reference to their situation where Kei has been ignoring him and still gives him signals that she wants to make up.

Kiyo was up and down the place stating he wasn't lonely but wanting to engage in companionship, obsessing over an discount Yogurt maker, half off milk, and bargain Christmas cake. He talked about not enjoying his holiday back then and now, how going back to the WR he would miss out on things and at the end of his and Kei make up even reminisce on a moment where she left his room on new years to spend time with her friends.

Yes, he did say all that about his heart not moving at the time of their make up, but the former half of the volume portrayed something else different. It displayed his contradictory nature where he wanted to enjoy his holiday with someone yet debated if whether to contact anyone, weirdly start conversation with strangers and 'accidentally' bump into anyone. All of this in the same chapter which was title about loneliness.

Agree on it or not he did anything and everything in his ability to not return home early because as he said in Y2V10:

“No, it’s nothing.”

I muttered this and started walking with her. The daily life of spending time with her was at least free from boredom.

Even if I was silent, Kei, who loved to chat, provided topics of the day on autopilot. However, I find myself increasingly distanced from the time I used to spend alone.

If asked if those days spent together were necessary or unnecessary, I’d say

it was half-half.

He found himself distanced away from isolation.

That's all from me. PEACE.

[daiten505]

A Re-Vision of [KioKei]―The only constant is change.

//MAJOR SPOILERS FOR YEAR 2//

I'm sure everyone is sick and fed up of the topic of these two being constantly brought up, but it really drives me crazy that the bond between them gets written off just because of their break up. That was a route we already knew was clear cut. However, it was never meant to overwrite the journey that the two took to reach there. It never could. It’s the journey that counts and not the inevitability of the breakup.

Because, between those two was a chemistry much more complex and meaningful than it appeared on the surface level. Due to the simple fact that both of them were corrupted by external forces and literally abandoned who they are.

Though their stories went down different paths, it still lead them back to the same self destructive behaviors. One that mirrored each other as these two are two pieces of a larger whole. Because Kei, in her own way, was just as damaged as Ayanokouji.

And by that extension, they had shared the same cynical, and embittered worldview.

Thus, I want to officially talk about it. However this subreddit is heavily bias against them now(which I do understand) but I don't mind getting downvoted or flamed. So downvote away, but downvotes doesn't make this truth any less valid. 

All that said, there's a lot that needs to be unpacked here, and where best to start than to characterize both parties involved and their relationship.

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Kei Karuizawa

Unlike all the other students in her class, Kei Karuizawa can be said to be the most defective of the bunch. While she does not have that rotten of a character, Kei, at first glance, appeared to us as a character who was impulsive, selfish and irresponsible, controlling in a childish way and a bit manipulative. She was a academically average mean girl with narcissistic tendencies, and came off as both headstrong and highly judgmental/opinionated as well as a clingy and boastful girlfriend.

These traits of hers becomes even more glaring when she is separated from those she is close to and that's when her strong will paranoia sets in, but is also vulnerable to cracks. It is not like she isn't all of that but she needs to appear larger than life. In spite of her high standing among her peers. It is all necessary for her survival. To veil that which terrorizes her and is the bane of her existence. She crafted a persona well enough that it contained nuggets of her true self, but not the entire whole of her past identity as Kei Karuizawa. To at least hide the deeply seeded insecurities that were 'engraved' in her 'self.' The darkest point in her life where she was violently and aggressively bullied.

You see, during her time in middle school, Kei was an unwitting victim of bullying. She was abused physically, mentally and emotionally by her classmates. Her said abusers would dump dirty water on her while she used the toilet, punched and kicked her and filmed it so they could spread it around the class for laughs. make her pick up garbage that was on the ground with her mouth and eat it, they would even put animal corpses on her desk and forced her to lick their shoes. Kei endured humiliation, after humiliation, and had her sense of self and personality destroyed and twisted. The physical representation of this, showcased as a scar on her body. The accumulation of all that experience.

For someone who has been through what she has, it goes without saying she developed some kind of trauma response. A mentally unhealthy lifestyle/attitude based purely on the urge to protect herself from any kind of abuse or intimidation. And in her case that was to latch onto someone with a high social status to enhance her own; Like a parasite, a weak creature that can not survive on its own and needs others in order to survive.

An exaggerated and extreme expression of distorted thinking which employed an Avoidance coping mechanisms to reduce anxiety and maintain a sense of self-control. By masking up the unacceptable feelings and impulses with maladaptive coping mechanisms she could just enough piece herself together to replicate a functional person of society. Just not to feel afraid of being seen without the sparkle. To be viewed as exceptional, impressive and not a hot mess.

This parasitic codependency on a 'savior' figure was a subconscious defense mechanism which automatically protected her skewered perception of self where through intrusive thoughts, she vied herself as helpless, full of shame and guilt, defiled and disgusted and believes she is completely separate from other human beings. However, like the Vulnerable subset of narcissists, she would show glimpses of this vulnerability, even opening up to an extent, as long as it’s safe and strategic to do so. Even if in the end that linked her perception of her current self with her previous ego. Because, no matter what kind of method she needs to use or the sacrifices she needs to make, as long as she comes out with her secret protected, she would do it.

Deceiving everyone around her, friends, and family alike. Even herself if must as long as it strives for internal consistency and maintains some semblance of normalcy.

Kiyotaka Ayanokouji

Holding the leader board, Ayanokouji can be said to be the most broken among his class. Not broken in the sense of defective or a damaged, but plain and simply, broken. He may be the most physically and academically gifted among his peers but under toning that is a deeply scarred and traumatized individual. A child, who in order to facilitate his messed up rearing, predisposed himself towards what it means to be human and became fully identified with his intellect.

Ayanokouji range of emotions stand somewhere between apathetic and psychopathic. He can be accurately described as intelligent, crafty, and manipulative. He is highly socially inept but socially knowledgeable, pragmatic, and as practical as they come yet still wishfully hopeful and naive. A walking contradiction of a human being who is in a constant fight of logic vs emotions. 

He can be best viewed as a neurotic high functioning sociopath; one who was conditioned from since childhood into developing psychopathic tendencies. This is caused by none other than his deeply troubling upbringing from within The White Room. Even though, technically their goal was to produce the highest crops of geniuses to run the world. It just so happened as a consequence of such, someone with Anti Personality disorder had best fit that bill.

This complex emotional layering of a non-empathetic kid devoid of impulse control reminds one a lot like child soldiers; with his his superior intellectual, high neuroplasticity, and physical abilities being a weapon. I haven't read V0 yet but it doesn't seem that far of a stretch. To say that he suffered different kinds of abuse such as mental, physical and emotional probably wouldn't encapsulate everything. But those examples should be enough to highlight why he likely turned to the maladaptive coping of dissociation in order to regulate his struggling emotions.

Kids don't have fully-developed brains, and many don't have fully-developed empathy until later down in life, so those highly completive conditions in the White Room must have put active selective pressure against empathy; hence, to compartmentalize his trauma, Ayanokouji gained the distorted thinking to purge himself of emotions and use intelligence to survive. Effectively turning him into someone with Anti Personality disorder to protect himself.

That is how he ended up beating the White Room, and became 'The Perfect Human'. No. he excelled even more than that and got titled, 'The Monster of the White Room'. There is exactly where his mindset/ethos of wining and that everyone is a pawn became this deeply instilled dogma.

The Devastatingly Beauty

This goes without saying but nothing about their relationship was ordinary.

From a meta perspective their relationship can be seen as something of an allegory for dysfunctional coping mechanisms. A relationship between two whose child selves were damaged and scarred because of their respective traumas. And, it is within that fact, what's basically tethered them together. Both from Ayanokouji's side of things and Kei's as there are actually a lot more complex histories and backstories which affects how they perceive relationships and how they expressed affection towards one another.

But a relationship born through trauma systemically repeats that familiar cycle.

When Ayanokouji met Kei, at the beginning of year 1, both were wearing a mask. A praiseworthy facade as you would call it, able to dupe the majority of their peers into perceiving them in a particular way. However, as keen observers as their trauma created them to be, they were able to deduce that the other had more to them than either let on. Something of a hidden darkness.

Unsurprisingly, Ayanokouji was the first to take notice of this. He zeroed in on Kei's weakness, exploited it and turned her parasitic nature onto himself. For she was a very valuable pawn. Kei had a sharp mind and high emotional intelligence. She was intuitive and has amazing communication skills, a remarkable ability to read the environment and a high enough standing on her own to control it. But most of all, she had something of an uncanny knack to sense and interpret the actions and motives of Ayanokouji and is also able to communicate with him just via eye-contact alone.(Those last part were something he discovered after the fact) All he had to do was offer protection to her in exchange for the switch of host.

But their relationship didn't end there. Everything was business work as to Ayanokouji their relationship was more transactional in nature than emotional. He was taught that winning was everything, and deeply believes so himself. It makes sense him lacking human empathy. It makes sense him having no remorse, It makes sense for him observing himself objectively like a outsider looking in to view himself being completely devoid of humanity.

He is uncaring, unyielding, someone with no morality, is selfish, ambitious and a person that is incapable of love or compassion.

He knows he can not escape his nature.

However, there is a part of him that want's more. To regain what was lost and become human; not an unfeeling psychopathic monster who only looks out for his own personal needs.

Thus the contradiction that is Kiyotaka Ayanokouji.

A existence split into two pieces. Logic vs Emotions. A being in search for the emotions that he was missing out on the whole time. As beyond that stock and stoic expression was someone who yearned for change and self-improvement. And in that obsession to become human, it lead him to the idea of a romantic relationship with Kei.

By our understanding of Ayanokouji he doesn't make emotional decisions. He is someone who only looks out for his own interest. However, the core integrity of their bond is based on a true genuinity in wanting her to heal from her scars. Shaped from that single moment in Y1V4.5.

His intentions were for her to get to a new type of normal. In the hope that in the gratification of helping her heal from her trauma, she would act as a vehicle for his development and he would reacquire feelings.

She was something to learn from, A book of love--Kei Edition. Highlighting that their relationship isn't on equal ground and was lopsided.

Of course this isn't denying the fact that the two of them learned from each other. It's made pretty clear that Kei grew to be a practically better person because of Ayanokouji's influence. Over the course of the their relationship, Kei underwent a great deal of character development, and became someone very different from her old self. She starts to come out from her trauma base shadow, taking various initiatives on her own, and even started to be comfortable with herself, other people and her scar. While Ayanokouji learned about socializing and romance, what it means and entails, what to do and not to do, how to act and the particulars in putting someone needs first above himself.

They both became stronger for it.

The two built upon each others story and plot, and continued the exploration of their desires and wants. But those mostly true intentions blinded them from seeing what they were actually doing, and that was defaulting back into old bad habits.

Kei with her co-dependency and Ayanokouji with his dissociation.

While Kei has shown willingness to come out of her shell in spite her trauma, what we've seen from her is that Ayanokouji appears as this stoic, other worldly knight in shining armor. He is put on a pedestal as some kind of amazing person. Someone who she could not imagine as weak or pathetic. An idealized version that is painted as an overpowered image where he could never break or falter. A prince, a knight, a hero, a figure who would always protect and take care of her.

Yet, adding to the paradoxical nature of it all, she also believes in him more from the person the person who “saved her”. She wants to know his past, his short comings, his goals for the future, his likes and dislikes, anything and everything that can be known about him. She want's to see who he is beyond that wall he sets up. Just as he did for her back then.

This communicated desire of wanting to understander Kiyotaka was her way of becoming his 'savior' figure.

Kei was a loving girlfriend, caring and devoted; she wanted the best for Ayanokouji and understood his manipulation schemes came from a weird place of kindness. Through it all, in a way that was rare, endearing, and tender, she loves, treasures and sticks with him for who he is, his true character, and that is without any doubt.

Kei is incredibly perceptive, and she is aware of Koji's flaws and thoughts, probably even more than she is about herself but those feelings, even if it changes shape or form, made her gained an overreliance on that unique perception of Ayanokouji; and that only served to nuanced her response to trauma into attachment and insane abandonment issues.

Without realizing it, it mixed in with all the societal expectations between a boyfriend and a girlfriend, resulting in something warped, hindering her growth as a person and individual.

She had accepted that he was not a ordinary person when his mask came off and she saw his true self. But then she became preoccupied with being someone special to Ayanokouji, and that unconsciously allotted total power to him.

At that point it isn't a good character trait, but a flaw. That unwavering support was an issue where she no longer made choices, but instead became led like a pawn.

It blunted what made her so special, and that was her ability to read Ayanokouji and see the clear picture of his actions.

Understandably, those complicated set of emotions stemmed from the fact that she never had a real boyfriend, and was fairly new to these kinds of things. She isn't sure how real couples are supposed to behave. But she knows this feeling of being love compensates for something she lacks and hates within herself.

Like a emotional reward system she gets just not to feel alone anymore. To fill that void. Because, somewhere deep down in her heart, she internalized a very dangerous equation, to be loved is to be safe and to be safe is to be valued.

Prelude To The End

With that in mind lets talk a little about Kiyotaka's and Kei's romantic life leading up to the point of their inevitable break up.

From my recollection of Kiyotaka's and Kei's romance they were a pretty solid and cute couple. Relationships and emotions are not always straight-forward nor are they in plain black and white, but I think everyone can unanimously agrees that they developed into a much better dynamic than originally thought possible. One where they had many shared moments of enjoying each others company, teasing one another, and getting to know each other.

This isn't to suggest that their relationship was perfect or anything, it was something very toxic and twisted, no matter how you broke it down and looked at it. But leaving aside whether it was healthy or not there was a sense of, how you say it, 'sincerity' if that makes sense.

The foundation of their relationship was unique and interesting, even though it is twisted, and there seems to exist this weird theme of rehabilitation surrounding them; which was honestly one of the most defining aspect of their bond. They each wants to free themselves and the other of this shared darkness that haunts them both [though Kei side of this is rather understated compared to Kiyotaka] 

love isn't something that only has one answer. We all perceive it in our own ways, and we discover it through our own means and experiences; and slowly but surely we saw them have this desire for connection. This want to be closer to one another and become each others "irreplaceable existence".

Both are struggling to understand the true nature of love and its power to influence their lives. They both worked towards deepening their trust and their bond even if that in the end blindsided them into understanding their partners love but not their own. As theirs was a relationship born from a lack of experience. A bond between two broken soul who learnt that their newfound emotional closeness was still clumsy, because despite everything, despite all their growth, and their experience, their relationship was still very immature and young. 

So, for the most part, everything in year 1 and the early parts of year 2 was pretty much the calm before the storm. The honeymoon phase. Until year 2 volume 9 rolled in and things got complicated between the two.

For context, Ayanokoji had informed Kei he would be spending his day off with Ichinose. Of course Kei was uncomfortable with it and relayed such to Ayanokoji which he didn't acknowledge. A small discourse ensued and as a result of it both Aanokoji and Kei went on a short break; which he described as being in a cold war.

Many complications started festering from then forth to cut the long story short, and as Ayanokoji said in his monologues at each of those times, he could of mend Kei's worries or at least smoothed things over with her, but he rather not. He chose to let things run their course to see how it would affect both him and her.

The implication being here that the issues Kei and Ayanokouji are going through were external and not internal, or even potentially inherent to them as a couple (aka, that they’re just not a good fit). The actual “internal” problems they were facing was really Ayanokouji himself and what was inherent to his nature.

He was pretty matter-of-fact about the sabotages in the subsequent volumes. Same as when they made up in volume 9.5 and official broke up in Chapter 5 of Y2V12.5.

A Title Full of Meaning

Now, lets talk about the elephant in the room shall we...

Chapter 5 of Y2V12.5

Kiyotaka's and Kei's break up.

幻 (Gen): fantasy; phantasm; vision; dream; illusion; apparition

想 (sō): to think; to believe; to suppose; to wish; to want; to miss (feel wistful about the absence of "somebody" "someone," "something")

"幻想" also written as (Gensou), when translated is defined as either "illusion," "fantasy," or "delusion". It signifies the false perception of reality and the misinterpretation of what is perceived. Meaning that in some form or the other there is a suggestive nature of self-deception, and a added layer of expectations that are not aligned with reality.

In that sense, Chapter 5 constructed this heighten sense of impending heartbreak, immediately cluing the readers into the central theme of the chapter: The struggle with illusion and reality.

However, while it is important to remember and acknowledge such when reading the said chapter, things only really became amiss in part 2 of chapter 5---The act of the break up. Other than that, both the opening scene and part 1 played itself pretty straight laced. It used writing that didn't had any deviations from the norm of Ayanokouji perspective and focused on the same old already established internal conflicts, thoughts, feelings, and observations that plagued his consciousness.

It is only when Ayanokouji and Kei leaves the movie theater, that the story presented itself in an kind of oddly ambiguous and abstract fashion with; heavy emphasis on the use of words like "lovers' "partner," "their' "they," and "them," in reference to Kei rather than her name; the poignant emotionally charged internal monologues and the lack of any gender specific "I" [until the words, "lets break-up." is actually spoken] when looking at the raw's.

Side note: In the Japanese language there are several ways to say "I," each with varying levels of formality, gender associations, and usage context. The most common and neutral form is what was mostly used throughout part 2(well implied so). But, generally the basic grammatical structure of things is to at least establish the speaker's gender-specific phrase for "I" then utilize the gender-neutral form.

For almost everyone part 2 was most definitely the most confusing. But after many re-reads, the general consensus is that at some point, the narrative shifted over to Kei and we experience the entire scenario from her point of view although filtered through the false lens of Ayanokouji.

A delusional daydream that highlights Kei's state of mind and suggest that she is living in a fantasy, clinging to a hope that was ultimately unrealistic. To a relationship that was, in some ways, an illusion and perhaps idealized, creating a false narrative of love and happiness.

And those spoken words of "Lets break-up" was the moment when that illusion got shattered and there was a confrontation with a harsh reality.

The title added a dreamlike and surreal quality to the chapter that suggested that the events were not entirely grounded in reality, and that everything experienced was a distorted perception of the situation.

A fitting conclusion on all levels, and one that many cannot ignore as there is evidence that suggests such.

*

But, I invite a little debate on a certain point: Ayanokouji is not just the puppet master, but; he is also a participant in the illusion.

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(Please note this is more my take. You can either hear me out and let me cook or dismiss my points and refer to me as a hopeless Kei fan. I only asks everyone to be skeptical and open minded.)

Let me also preference this by saying that what is being challenged here is the dictation of that one-sided view that many have. It closes off and stops any further deliberation and views things on a surface level. This is not to choose a side per say but instead kind of open the gates to an alternative line of thinking. And maybe re-contextualize the chapter titled, 'Illusion', in the public eyes.

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You see, "幻想" is a complex word with multiple layers of meaning. The most common translations being:

Illusion: This is a core meaning, representing a false perception or belief.

Fantasy: This refers to a creation of the imagination, often a wishful or idealized scenario.

Delusion: This implies a persistent belief that is contrary to reality.

Vision: This can refer to a mental image or a prophetic insight.

Dream: This captures the idea of a hope or aspiration.

And these various meanings of "幻想" are all relevant to not just Kei but also to the scenario, the readers perception of the the tile, the take away and Ayanokouji as well; as his actions, especially in the context of the chapter 5, directly supports the core idea of his character.

Now, first of all, there is no need to argue how Kei knew about the break up beforehand. Whether it was intentional or not Ayanokouji's repetitive dismissal of her and their relationship ultimately acted as massive red flags. Plus, it was noted in y2v11 during the scheduling of their movie date that something about Ayanokouji expression caused Kei smile to freeze. The importance of such thoughts isn't unnecessary per se but It does underscore her emotional perceptiveness to claim she didn't notice the many signs.

Regardless, none of that changes the fact that she clung to the illusion of their relationship despite the growing cracks.[The fear of confronting the truth of their predicament]

However, while one had their illusion shattered and destroyed, the other had theirs maintained/re-enforced.

The opening of Chapter 5 began with Ayanokouji reflecting on his relationship with Kei. The narrative seemed cold and almost scientific; as if he were analyzing an experiment each event was described objectively, without emotion, and broken down materialistically, purely goal driven.

That was, until he moved to exit his room.

And...there was a introspection of a pleaful hope vs a innate belief.

To Ayanokouji there was a desire for change, but also a understanding of the foreseen outcome. [V11.5 foreshadows that funnily enough]

As he said on that same page:

I had a strong desire to resist my own thoughts and future predictions

But that in and of itself is an illusion of self-deception; because the core being of Kiyotaka Ayanokouji is self-serving, revealing a tragic nature of prioritizing his wants over others, his own ambition, his own feelings, and his own desire for control, even if it means causing pain to someone he once cherished. His is a story about the long-term impacts of unaddressed trauma.

A cognitive delusion where the cost is a mask that removes humanity.

All to obtain freedom. A vision of the future where he is successful, independent, and free from his fathers control or anyone's for that matter. He is willing to sacrifice the present to achieve this dream, his feelings even, for what he perceives as a greater good or a more advantageous outcome for himself.

In essence, Kiyotaka recognized that he had already made his decision and there was nothing that could have been done to change it. He would prioritizes his long-term goals, whatever they may be, over this immediate emotional desires.

The idea of that was a constructed reality, a wishful scenario he has built for himself like the fantasy where he believes he can control events, emotions, and people. That was a false perception of reality, as he is unable to control his own feelings or the outcome entirely.

Yet, he would still cling to his plan, even when confronted with those cluster of emotions; and his actions and thoughts contradicting themselves.

 This acceptance is reflected in the phrases "ああ、よかっ───" (Ah, I'm glad) to the abrupt cut of "「別れよう" (Let's break up.)

Kiyotaka's decision to break up despite his feelings signifies that he values control, his own goals, and perhaps a fear of vulnerability, above his emerging emotional connection with Kei. It is a testament to his calculated nature, his strategic thinking, and his willingness to sacrifice personal happiness for what he believes is a more desirable outcome.

But most of all, it is a sign of how deeply invested he is in his own "幻想."

Whether his actions were motivated by the idea of freedom, by a desire to protect himself, or even by a combination of both, Ayanokouji had deluded himself into thinking he was in complete control.

In conclusion, the word "幻想" is perfectly suited to describe Ayanokouji's character. It encapsulates his belief in control, his strategic planning, his emotional detachment, and his potential for self-deception. It is a word that represents his constructed reality and the potential for that reality to crumble under the weight of genuine emotion.

Overall, the title of Chapter 5 is brilliant and captured a beautifully written and emotionally charged scene. It is clear that Kinu had put a lot of thought into writing it. Even up to the ambiguity that adds a layer of complexity to the story, making it thought-provoking(the Japanese is certainly more ambiguous). He leaves room for multiple interpretations, leaving the reader to decide whether Kiyotaka truly loved Karuizawa or if she's the one simply trying to protect herself from emotional pain. It's all up to the reader to decide, drawing their own conclusions about the characters' motivations and the true nature of their relationship.

The title lingers in the mind long after the story is finished, prompting a reflection, introspection, and exploration of the complexities of love, illusion, and self-deception. It's a title that invites the reader to delve deeper into the story and consider the deeper meanings behind the word, "幻想".

Embers Through The Fog

I believe when trying to understand a characters motives, actions, intentions and psyche dynamics, you cant just treat their moments as a collection of stand alone scenes devoid of context. You can’t just say - “well here’s a scene where they do or say this so obviously everything before and after that simply amounts to this." No. That's what's called recency bias.

You have to look at what purpose these scenes serve in the greater narrative overall. How they reflect a characters mental state, story, and their psychology; put simply, how it gives you insight into their conscious and subconscious thought process.

These considerations aren't something unique to unreliable narrators like Ayanokouji, but are still important to note nonetheless, as his grander narrative when it concerns Kei, is to rid her of her trauma responses and learn about the opposite sex.

To that end,

Ayanokouji had meticulously planned his relationship with Kei. He created a narrative where he was the strategic mastermind, guiding her growth, healing her wounds, improving her level of self worth and personal values, while at the same time learning about love.

Their relationship began, grew and ended with his manipulation.

However...

Though it is never brought up, which is weird since this is rather important, there, in Y2V9, cracks began to form in that image; back when they had their first serious fight in Y2V9, and made up in Y2V9.5.

To start off with, first let’s consider the context before the fight happened.

Kanzaki and his classmates had proposed Ayanokouji have a chat with Ichinose. They made mention Ichinose has a thing for him and inform him he could exploit those feelings for them to get what they want. However, Kei was brought up as a hindrance to the said plan. When asked how he would handle it, Ayanokouji stated he would make Kei understand.

So in that vein, he told her the truth. Of who he is meeting and why he was doing so. But not of how it plays in his grand plan. And that, along with his insensitive behavior, and the fact it would just be him and Ichinose meeting, didn't sit well with her Kei.

In the end, their relationship went on break. And what resulted from the accumulation of those reasoning, was a rift which served the ulterior motive of helping along things with Ichinose; as well as to give an opportunity to experience a lovers spat.

Now that we've gotten the history breakdown out of the way, we have the proper context moving forward.

Which is to show that―contrary to how Ayanokouji presented his behavior during their rift, he did not remain unconflicted or unemotional.

It started like a drop of water on a ponds surface.

“No word from Kei?”

I could have told her that it was over, but I would meet her at school tomorrow either way.

If I were to put forward an explanation then, that should be more than plenty.

So I decided to leave it as it is without any contact today.

AFEW DAYS HAD passed since Kanzaki's and Ichinose's student council issue came to an end.

We can kind of guesstimate but probably his plan to mend things over with Kei went haywire. Perhaps because he underestimated Kei's ability to hold a grudge even towards him, or maybe he wanted Kei to be the one to engage the conversation, either ways, the break got lengthen and escalated to the point where Ayanokouji himself considered their predicament to be akin to a cold war.

“By the way, Karuizawa-san hasn’t been well lately. She’s been working hard on her studies, but is there something wrong?”

“Nothing. If I had to say, we may be in something resembling a bit like a cold war.”

“I wouldn't call it nothing. It's rare to see you two fight.”

“It happens when a man and a woman have been together for a long time. I know that well from experience.”

Horikita raised her eyebrows and looked doubtful, as if she didn't like my answer.

“It's a good thing that she was able to get results in the study sessions and in the competition, even though she was in an unstable state of mind.”

“It was said that she was so mentally cornered that she devoted herself to studying which she dislikes... Karuizawa-san's morale can easily also affect the rest of our class. Make up with her as soon as possible.”

As a leader, you want to keep the class stable.

I saw Horikita off as she returned to the classroom and then I decided to leave.

A perfectly fitting analogue as, although Kei want's them to make up, she along with Ayanokouji had both been avoiding talking to each other.

After school on the day when Ryuuen and Ichinose, opponents in the upcoming battle, had a small altercation, Horikita invited me to a study group asusual, but naturally, I declined.

Kei had been paying attention to me while avoiding talking to me since this morning, and I had no plans for the rest of the day.

That was why I could devote my time to solving the troublesome problems that had been thrust upon me.

Yes, them both. Contrary to Ayanokouji seemingly being initially unfazed.

Kei was watching me the whole time.

After missing the opportunity yesterday, I hadn’t heard from Kei until now.

However, she seemed to be trying to make contact with me, since she was looking at me right before I left.

If it’s hard to talk in a crowded place like this; we should relocate.

At the moment, Kei is still unstable and lacks a decisive factor for me to take action.

I can’t expect her to grow if we continue to be estranged, so it can’t be helped.

With this in mind, I decided to leave the classroom for a while, but...

“Are you going home alone?”

I went out into the hallway and the one who came running after me was not

Kei, but Horikita.

The passage conveys a sense of emotional detachment and indifference; a hallmark of Ayanokōji's personality where he tends to engage in self-reflection and view's interactions through a lens of strategy and control, rather than pure emotion.

As I expected, there was no call from Kei on my cell phone, and she didn’t seem to be waiting for me in the lobby.

I wonder if Kei will be able to keep her distance from me and diminish her relationship with me.

No, that was something I didn't need to think about yet.

As long as she acted as a host’s parasite, she wouldn’t be able to escape on her own and take independent action.

The elevator arrived on the first floor, so I planned to get on and go to the fourth floor.

I should concentrate on Kiryuuin's case rather than Kei's.

But beneath the surface of those detached and analytical approach to their situation, is this unacknowledged desire to resolve their grievances.

“You know...”

Kei quietly came near me and talked to me in a small voice.

“What's wrong?”

“Well, I think it's about time for me to forgive you...”

She hesitantly brought up the topic.

But soon after, Horikita came to my seat.

“Ayanokouji-kun, may I have a word?”

“I'm sorry, Horikita-san, can we do this later?”

“I wish I could do that, but unfortunately, it's a student council matter. Kiriyama wants us to gather in the student council room right now.”

As if to confirm that it was true, Horikita showed me the message on her cell phone.

Behind Horikita stood a smiling Kushida.

“Sorry Kei, we'll talk after this is over. Call me anytime.”

“Umm... yes. Have a good day.”

To reconcile with each other and get back together. Something that is a matter of course for couples. But, what happened by the end of the volume, was that they were unable to reestablish their bond, due to the seeds Ayanokouji himself sowed with Ichinose.

So, whether deliberate or not, he welcomed winter break with them still in a funk. And that same water droplet propagated even more ripples; presenting itself as slight changes in behavioral patterns to chronic like ADHD and OCD fixation on anything materialistic.

Such as with the on sale yogurt maker, milk and Christmas cake.

Kiryūin had put it best;

“I laughed because you acted so much like a normal high school student. Insisting on a yogurt maker is unusual, but it wouldn't be odd if you replaced it with another desired product.” “I see...”

From meticulous attention to detail for cleaning, exploring inside Keyaki Mall, and contemplating whether or not to invite someone to hang out, Ayanokouji relocates his attention to anything and everything to keep himself occupy.

When I woke up in the morning, I didn't particularly care and thought I’d spend the whole day in my room.

This was because Kei was expected to recover soon. Her fever had already subsided, and she seemed to be gradually regaining her ability to move.

If Kei wished to restore our relationship in the future, then we’d return to how our relationship was before.

The room was clean enough, but there must have been dust and dirt in places I couldn't see.

I decided to thoroughly clean it up today. I lined up the cleaning supplies I prepared in advance on the table and started the battle.

So as not to face the fact that things have left his scope of control.

Originally, I was supposed to have a morning date with Kei.

Unfortunately, it was rainy, and the bad weather had continued since winter break. While it was a little disappointing, the forecast already predicted rain all day on Christmas, so no one hoped for clear skies.

I had no control over the weather, so there was no helping it. But there was something unexpected that happened.

I glanced at the calendar on my desk in my room. The December calendar, with a heart drawn in pink ink enclosing the dates 24th and 25th... but...

It happened last night, after the end of the second term.

I tried to contact Kei directly on the 24th, but the call didn't go through.

I waited for a while, sending messages, and waiting for a response, but they remained unread.

After about an hour of hesitation, I finally got a call back.

The first word I heard from Kei, who was coughing weakly but intensely, was “Influenza.”

At the beginning of V9.5 Ayanokouji talked about how he had entered into the cold war with a plan of action, but due to the weather and outbreak of influenza all that went downhill and now he has an abundance of free time on his hand. Of which he spent acting like Y1V1 levels of goober.

The narrative is very much on Ayanokouji's side but Kinu had let us peek at his frightened core.

I felt like I was making excuses, but I wasn't lonely at all.

Just to be sure, I mentally repeated this to myself.

Because, contrary to Ayanokouji's claim, he's experiencing genuine feelings and struggling to maintain them.

On a side note, the image of her happily humming while leaving the room to join the New Year's gathering with her friends was still burned into my memory.

How true that may be is anyone's guess, however, what is for certain was what he acknowledged in Y2V10.

“No, it’s nothing.”

I muttered this and started walking with her. The daily life of spending time with her was at least free from boredom.

Even if I was silent, Kei, who loved to chat, provided topics of the day on autopilot. However, I find myself increasingly distanced from the time I used to spend alone.

If asked if those days spent together were necessary or unnecessary, I’d say

it was half-half.

There is little talk or investment on this by readers but instead more focus in what followed in their actually make up scene; where Ayanokōji frequently questioned his own motives and feelings, pondering the meaning of love and relationships and dissects his feelings and the dynamics of his interactions.

Which he came to the conclusion that his heart never moved once in his time being with Kei.

After all, it is evident in the fact that he didn't feel the need for them to make up during their estrangement or for him to check up on her when she was sick.

His character remained consistent throughout their split. And gave no internal conflict which gives a more solid foundation to his introspective nature.

Yet...that doesn't aligns with the fact that he was deliberately playing coy. No. More like he treated it like a situation where he wanted to win. Think about, didn't he do something similar during the time when he had confessed to Kei. They were in a cold war after all. And he only regained his vigor back once he found out for certain that they would make up.

“By the way... what about the question I asked earlier?”

“You didn't forget?”

“I remember it clearly.”

Surprisingly, Yamamura had a rather pushy side to her, or perhaps one of the walls between us had been removed.

“I'll make up with her properly. It's already planned.”

That is why I said, moments shouldn't be taken on there own, but viewed within the context of the whole narrative, as ultimately it reveals something which makes complete sense in retrospect.

That said, I would be remiss to say this could just be me talking out my ass. I mean such is the problem with trying to play armchair therapist with a fictional character. It’s not like we can ask Ayanokouji himself why he did what he did (and even if we could, he’s not exactly the most reliable narrator in the world). 

This is why I think Chapter 5 Y2V12.5 should gander more thought.

For example, Let's look at the phrase: "隣からずっと睨みつけていた人" (隣からずっと睨みつけていた人). This translates to "the person who was glaring from next door."

"隣" (隣) - This means "next door" or "neighboring." It doesn't necessarily mean the person was sitting in the seat right next to the narrator. They could have been in a seat a few rows over, or even in a different section of the theater.

"から" (から) - This is a particle that indicates a starting point or origin. It suggests the person was glaring from a location next to the narrator, not at the narrator directly.

However, the text doesn't explicitly state the person's location, so it's possible they were sitting right next to the narrator. It's up to the reader to interpret based on their own understanding of the situation.

In this case, we are convey a sense of distance and separation between the glaring person and the narrator. So the question then becomes now, would Kei really go through such meticulous descriptions?

And also, we must not forget Aanokouji's internal monologue on the night of his and Ichinose promise meeting.

From the moment I stepped into that room, my retreat had already been cutoff.

Yet at the same time, I was being drawn in by her unknown charm.

I thought I had finished needing to learn.

But perhaps, it had just been the beginning.

In that room, just the two of us, the night continued to darken.

It wasn’t a ritual to become lovers.

If it were, it wouldn’t have worked from the start.

It was an absolute contract, to be needed and to need the other.

And so, we were being bound together with that contract, sinking deeper and deeper, as we devoured each other endlessly.

Ayanokouji lies all the time, and all of his lies are deliberate, because even when he chooses to, he is incapable of actually being completely honest.

But, as Koenji displayed with his mirror, it is not something obvious to him.

No More Dreaming

Well, anyways, they broke up, and that's the cold hard fact of it all.

It was definitely a little bit Jarring and sad as a Kei fan to see how their storylines played out, but I can say with complete honesty I am glad it is over.

That was a long time coming.

I feel like if Kei and Ayanokouji had stayed together any longer, Kei would have carried on more baggage rather than loss any. TBH I’m surprised she hadn’t at that point. But it seems obvious with the way their relationship was going she would’ve at some point, as the true nature of their connection was less about love and more about a shared history and a sense of comfort.

The best way to sum it up would be more akin to trauma bonding.

And that hit her no quicker than when Ayanokouji had expelled Sakura over Kushida in one of the exams. Someone he was close with even before he met her, and who had the utmost affection for him. Her trust in him wavered, and her behavior then forth can be seen as a reflection of that where she tries to reaffirm her place in his heart. Not unlike the time when she had asked Horikita to put her trust in Ayanokouji.

Even so, Kei still wanted to know all of him, just like she thinks he knows all of her. But the problem being depicted here is the absence of Ayanokouji commitment. He's hiding a crucial part of himself despite there not suppose to be any secrets between them.

All of this nuance, lost, as one of them changed while the other did not.

That I would say is the true heart of their issue. They didn't get to know each other for who they really were vs their idealized versions of their partner.

Ayanokogi couldn't see that Kei was more than someone to fix and the chance to feel again. While Kei on the other hand seems to have understood her feelings for him might not have budded naturally.

For sure, she even questioned when exactly did she started liking him.

By the start of their relationship Kei had really believed that she knew him. That she sees and loves the real boy behind all the masks. And that boy? He was just like her. A kindred spirit. Someone worth braving the storm for.

However, the reality of the situation is though, that the chance to heal is not guarantee. That, despite her giving him her all, he doesn't get better. Maybe it is because he was too badly hurt, maybe she was never good to begin with, or even worse maybe she just didn't do a good enough job.

Regardless, Kei was merely the catalyst of his journey. And not the end game.

She was the broken person he connected with, but not the one he could share being mentally vulnerable around.

If anyone I can really see Ayanokoiji doing that with, it would definitely be Horikita. And I think we all know that to be a fact. That’s because, she is ambitious, passionate and doesn't put him atop a pedestal. In spite everything she witness from him, she never stops challenging him.

He needs someone like her. Someone to be there and ground him. Someone he actually have things in common with and who share the same thirst for improvement as him.

But first they both have to mature a lot more. Ayanokouji more specifically. Because, being open to "unlearning" is absolutely essential for true learning to happen.

He is limited by this deeply rooted cognitive dissonance. That is stopping him from truly opening up communication.

To successfully navigate that fundamental grounding in reality there are three reactions available to him.

Either:

Ignore this new knowledge, and keep the old.

Determine the old knowledge is wrong, and accept this new knowledge.

Determine both pieces of information have merit and determine a way both works together.

Only then would he reach the complete maturity of his story.

I think this is a good place to call it. There is more I would like to go into detail with, but I will hold off on that for the time being. Anyway thanks for hearing me out. Peace.

[daiten505]

[daiten505]

[daiten505]

Let me cook conspiracy board

[daiten505]

Poor Kamijou Touma. Always whining and complaining, making up excuses upon excuses about his forgotten memories. And all for what, to protect one girl? When in truth and infact you only did it to convenient yourself. But what about her? Her feelings in the matter? You truly are selfish Kamijou Touma

[daiten505]

[daiten505]

[daiten505]

A Case for [Kamidex]- The slow burn journey of two who are intrinsically tied together

[Note: Long post incoming]

I've noticed that when the question of "Does Touma have a crush on Index?" is posed, a lot of people's immediate responses are along the lines of:

-"No, it's explicitly stated that Touma see's her as a sister."

And.

-"No, Touma's feelings for her are not at all romantic, but is just strictly platonic"

The problem with these is that, they write off a deep and complex relationship into something simple. A shallow reading into the mountainous of text that surrounds them both. It is not at all accurate to the bond they both share. One that is nonsensically dressed up as mundane scenarios in everyday life. One that carries over from Touma to Touma.

So, this post is going to be a analysis weaving the threads of the two together throughout the plotline of the story, whether it is directly or indirectly as long as it's worth mentioning.

Things such as, Touma and Index overall relationship, Touma's character before and after the memory loss, and Index's stance throughout the entire ordeal, will all be touched upon in this post.

In order to do that and fully fleshing out all these cluster points for them to reach a justifiable conclusion this post is going to be broken down into three (3) parts.

To achieve that we must first start from where this all began, OT1--- The volume that had previous Kamijou Touma enter his “final stage” and near his conclusion, and the fated meeting between Kamijou Touma, the unlucky boy who's everyday life is shrouded in misfortune, and Index Librorum Prohibitorum, the curse child who's fate it is to be a harbinger of ruin.

1- FEELINGS OF THE MAN WHO WAS

(Timeline wise I'm not sure how far ahead Kamachi planned out this series but for the sake of this we will act under the assumption Biohacker already happened.)

For a quick reminder of what happened in Biohacker, Ayu, the main heroine of the volume, was being hunted down for her powers as a stand in for Misaki. When she learned the truth behind the antagonist Modius Operandi she resigned herself to commit suicided by drowning in a lake, but not before sending a suicide note to Touma in the hopes he could rescue. Touma tried and failed to save her and the volume ended on a bitter sweet note of her executing her suicide but the hope she would one day be saved.

A year had past after that, and we were introduced to Kamijou Touma as a misfortune boy who had been gifted with a "useless" ability [as stated by himself a number of times in OT1]. He was jaded, cynical and his internal monologues throughout OT1 were writhe with references about being powerless.

Being a person who lived in Academy City for quite sometime, his meeting with Index went as expected when a sceptic meets an occult believer. He makes fun of her, takes jabs at her beliefs and questions her grasp on reality and just the same, Index ridiculed him, dished out just as much given, even guilt tripping and blackmailing him. But, in spite of all that, Touma listened to her in earnest. Even if he finds most the stuff she says as ridiculous.

Because, sprinkled throughout their conversation was her explanation about her pursuers. And the fact she was in trouble. So, in retrospect of Biohacker and NT11, of course in-universe it makes sense that he would help Index out when briefed about her predicament.

That is who Kamijou Touma is. A person who would help a complete stranger. A character who would go to great extremes to help others. He would stick his neck out to help anyone in trouble. Just as he did in his childhood, as he did with Ayu, and also as he did with Misaki.

“If I stay here, the enemies will come.” “How can you be sure? If you just stay in my room and don’t draw any attention to yourself, there shouldn’t be a problem.” “That’s not true.” Index pinched at the chest of her clothes. “This Walking Church functions using magical power. The church seems to call it ‘divine power’, but it’s the same mana. Simply put, the enemy seems to be searching for the magic power in the Walking Church.” “Why do you wear tracking device clothes!?” “I told you, its defensive power is pope-class, remember? You’re right hand tore it to pieces, though.” “…” “You tore it to pieces, though.” “I said I was sorry, so don’t look so tearfully. …But, Imagine Breaker destroyed that Walking Church, right? So shouldn’t the tracking device-like functionality be gone too?” “Even if it were, they’ll know the Walking Church was destroyed. As I said before, its defensive power is pope-class. Simply put, it’s like a fortress. If I were the enemy, I would make an appearance when that fortress was destroyed whatever the reason might be.” “Wait a second. That’s all the more reason I can’t just let you go. I still don’t believe in the occult, but if someone’s after you, I can’t let you just leave.” Index stared at him blankly. With just that look, she truly, truly seemed like nothing more than a normal girl. “…Then, will you follow me to the depths of hell?” She smiled. It was such a heartbreaking smile that left Kamijou speechless for an instant. Index had used kind words to implicitly say, “Do not come with me.” “Don’t worry. I’m not alone. If I can escape to the church, they will shelter me.” “…Hmm. So where is this church?”

However, something important to note about this is that Kamijou doesn't decide to get involve.

“…What happens if you accidentally go to the wrong church?” “They would turn me away,” said Index with the same bitter smile. “The Russian Orthodox Church and the Anglican Church primarily exist within their respective countries. Anglican churches are rare in Japan.” “…” Things were looking gloomy. Was it possible Index had tried going to church after church before she collapsed from hunger? How had she felt as she fled and fled while being turned away at each church she went to? “Don’t worry. I just have to keep at it until I find a British church.” “…” For just an instant, Kamijou thought about the power in his right hand. “Hey! …If you’re ever in any trouble, you can stop by here again.” That was all he could say. He had the power to kill even God and yet that was all he could say. “Sure. I’ll stop by if I’m hungry.” Her sunflower-like smile was so perfect that Kamijou could say nothing in response.

He doesn't say: "Ok, that's enough" and and tries to solve the problem once and for all. Or even ignore the bias that it's hard to believe and at least search online for a appropriate church to lend a helping hand.

Instead, he was passive, indecisive and reserved. And his monologue in the classroom was a reflection of such.

He felt like he should be by Index’s side rather than dealing with that pointless supplementary lesson. The Walking Church nun’s habit she wore had indeed reacted to Kamijou’s right hand, although, “reacted” was perhaps an understatement. But, that did not mean he had to believe. Most likely, the majority of what Index had said was a lie, and even if it were not, she may have just mistaken some natural phenomenon as the occult. Even so… (I guess the fish that gets away always seems huge.) Kamijou sighed again. If the alternative was being stuck at a desk in that sauna-like classroom with no air conditioning, charging into a fantasy of swords and magic may have been better. And he even had a cute, though difficult to say beautiful, heroine to go with it. “…” Kamijou recalled the hood Index had forgotten in his room. In the end, he had not returned it. He did not see it as having been unable to return it. Even if Index had disappeared, he would likely have found her if he had seriously started looking for her. And even if he had not, he could still go out and run around the city looking for her with the hood in one hand. When he thought about it, he realized he had wanted some kind of connection. He had felt that she might come back to get it someday. Because, that white girl had shown him such a perfect smile… He felt like she would disappear like an illusion if he did not leave some kind of connection. He was afraid. (…Oh, so that’s it.) After going through those somewhat poetic thoughts, Kamijou finally realized something. When it came down to it, he did not hate the girl who was caught on his balcony. He had liked her enough that the thought of never seeing her again left him with a slight twinge of regret. “…Ah, damn it.” He clicked his tongue. With how heavily she weighed on his mind, he wished he had stopped her from leaving.

But then came the conclusion that, in hindsight, the reason why he didn't act and by extension did not return her hood was because he wanted to see Index again. He wanted to talk to her, he wanted to goof around with her, and most of all he wanted to see that perfect smile.( like seriously, Index's smile gets brought up a lot)

Embodying that desire is the said hood. The possible connection to the red Thread of Destiny. Carrying with it the hope that the mere presence of it will represent a future where the two of them could see each again and perhaps never be separated no matter what.

Such is the meaning Kamijou defines it's importance as. Simply due to the fact that he wanted to keep some kind of connection

Kamachi draws deliberate attention to Kamijou's thoughts, actions and choices, and focuses primarily on what they say about the character because for the boy that is Kamijou Touma this is not at all normal. Kamijou himself knows that but also cannot ascertain why exactly. All that he knows is that this girl makes him feel happy. Happy in anticipation to see her again and happy with excitement that he gets to talk with her once more.

After taking a few more subconscious steps forward, he finally saw it. The mysterious girl named Index had collapsed from hunger. “………………………………………………………Ahh.” She was not entirely visible because of the robots, but someone wearing a white nun’s habit covered in glittering safety pins was clearly collapsed face down. Though the three drums were continuously ramming into her, Index was not moving. It made her seem all the more pitiful, like she was being pecked at by city crows. For one, the cleaning robots were made to avoid people and other obstacles. Why did the machines fail to register her as human? “…I guess this is misfortune, too.” Had Kamijou Touma seen his face in a mirror at the time, he would have been surprised to see a smile on his face. Deep down he was worried. Perhaps he did not believe her about the magicians, but it was possible some cult was chasing the girl. He was glad to see her in her usual, starved state. And even ignoring those worries, he was simply glad to see her again. Kamijou then remembered the one thing she had forgotten: the pure white hood he had not given back to her. He found it strange that he saw that hood like some kind of charm. “Hey! What are you doing here?” He called out to her and ran over. (Why does just going over there make me feel like an elementary school kid who can’t sleep the night before a trip? Why does each step I take forward make me feel like I’m headed to the store on the release date of a major RPG?) Index had yet to notice him. Kamijou Touma forced down a smile at how “Index-like” that was.

By grasping all this, the interpretation that can be made here is that Kamijou doesn't want what he has with Index to be a one and done type of deal. To him, the few moments he spent with Index were a great solace. He does not want to say goodbye after helping her and solving her problem. He wants to be with this girl, and hopes she too wants to be with him.

One may note that these motives are actually fairly self-serving, and they are, because his motives were for the desire to not lose that connection he had to someone who gave him a great deal of warmth.

Backing this up is the scene of Kamijou and Index going to the public bathroom.

“A British nun, hm?” Kamijou muttered under his breath as he walked down the dark pathway alone. He knew that Index would be brought to the Anglican Church’s headquarters in London if he took her to one of their churches in Japan. There would be nothing left for Kamijou to do. It would all surely end with something like, “It may have just been a short time, but thank you. I will never forget you because of my eidetic memory.” Kamijou felt something sharply stabbing inside his chest, but he had no other ideas of what to do. If Index were not brought under the Church’s protection, she would continue to be chased by magicians. Also, it was unrealistic to try to follow Index to England. They lived in different worlds, they stood in different places, and they existed in different dimensions. Kamijou lived in the world of scientific esper powers, and she lived in the world of the magical occult. Like land and sea, their two worlds would never cross paths. That was all there was to it. That was all there was to it, but it still annoyed him like a fish bone stuck in his throat.

Over the course of this arc Kamijou had been in many a deep introspections, but it was already from since the early stages of OT1 he was smitten with Index.

“Yes. I have no memories from before about a year ago when I arrived.” Index smiled. Just like a child heading to an amusement park for the first time in her life. It was the perfection of the smile that showed Kamijou the fear and pain behind it. “When I first woke up in a back alley, I had no idea who I was. All I knew was that I had to run away. I couldn’t remember what I ate for dinner the night before, but knowledge of things like magic, the Index Librorum Prohibitorum, and Necessarius were swirling around in my mind. It was so scary…” “Then you don’t even know why you lost your memories?” “That’s right,” she replied. Kamijou knew nothing of psychology, but he knew from video games and dramas that there were two major causes of amnesia: receiving a major shock to the head or sealing a memory that your heart simply could not bear. “God damn it…” Kamijou muttered as he looked up into the night sky. While he did feel anger towards the magicians who would do that to a girl like her, he was mostly overcome by a sense of powerlessness. He now knew why Index had covered for him and grown so oddly attached to him. It was simply that Kamijou just so happened to be the first person she had gotten to know after spending a year alone in the world without knowing anything. This displeased Kamijou. He had no idea why, but for some reason that answer truly angered him. “Mh? Touma, are you angry?” “No, I’m not.” The question had caught him off guard, but Kamijou managed to feign ignorance. “If I upset you in some way, I apologize. Touma, what’s got you so mad? Is it puberty?” “I don’t want to hear about puberty from someone with a childlike body like yours.” “Mh. What was that? I really do think you’re mad. Or are you only pretending to be mad to trouble me? I don’t like that side of you, Touma.” “Hey, don’t say that when you never really liked me in the first place. I’m not expecting that kind of wonderful, love comedy-like turn of events with you.”

And that all harkens back to when he saw that perfect smile. A smile that doesn't match the look of someone on the edge of a cliff, nearly ready to give up on life. A smile that was pleasantly depressing. Or more essentially, a smile from someone who cares for others but not themselves.

While the trauma that Index encountered throughout her life is shrouded in darkness and isn't at all fleshed out, Kamijou more than likely saw how she copes with her trauma and how it affected her. Where he became content with his shitty life but still tries to fight against it, Index does not. She decided to relinquish to the horrors of the world and whatever happens to her happens to her, because, despite having a days worth of memories and her life being spent on the whims of others, she can still manage to smile and enjoy the simpler things in life.

And it is most probably that contradiction that infatuations him with Index. Why he couldn't get her out of his mind. And in the process made both of them find someone who could make their life happy. OT1 wasn’t an ordinary meet-cute between them, it was an extremely specific and emotionally charged series of events which occurred between two people whose need for connection were compatible, forcing them to grow closer than they would have under normal circumstances. (Compare and contrast OT2 to get a full grasp)

OT1 narrated the shared story lines of four individuals, all accomplished through the shared reflections on love, loss, memory, and related themes of movement out of loneliness.

Everyone could do hundreds of hours of research and theorizing, and I don't think any two people would come to the same conclusion. But, I think we all agree that this arc had some very strong romantic subtext.

2- THAT WHICH HELD ON

That said, tragedy hit, and in his efforts to save Index, Kamijou Touma welcomed his first "death". He died satisfied with a smile on his face, proving that even the weak can make a difference and that power doesn't matter. He died while fallen on index, as if like he was protecting her from the feathers of light with his last breath. And on that night, the New Kamijou Touma was born.

This is how we were opened to the current version of Kamijou Touma. The blank-slate. A person who had lost all his memories, and a character without color. The one who inherited all that which the past him valued.

To us, this was our real official introduction. It's thematic in the ironic sense. The entirety of the latter half of arc 1 was about Kamijou fighting to keep those precious memories intact and not to openly welcome loss, but there he was, smiling; happy that at the very least Index's suffering was cut short from the cruelty of the world. (Of course he didn't know any of this would happen, and as we saw he too didn't want to say goodbye but we all know he would rather this outcome.).

For the newly born Kamijou Touma, Index became that foundational paint that made up his new character. Just the same, the pre-memory version of himself as well. But, the the bond Index and past him shared were put on a pedestal and treated as separate. Almost as if it is sacred.

His face felt the amazingly soft feeling of the girl’s belly, the small amount of sweat, the sweet smell, and the warmth. As Kamijou was rendered giddy by all those factors, he was now awake since Mikoto punched him. Also, at least he was able to physically separate himself from Index. Kamijou thought that it was killing two birds with one stone, but why wasn’t he happy? “Eh? …I hit him?” However, Mikoto, who got a hit in, loudly exclaimed that. Kamijou lay on the ground, trembling as he said, “Uuu… ugh… No, this is good. I’m definitely unable to escape that mysterious pink atmosphere that surrounds Index and me by myself. But, no, however… why can’t the world use a gentler way of solving this!?”

Because, as if like equal parts a blessing and equal parts a curse, those emotions of pre-memory loss Touma carried over to his second self like a gum stuck to the heart. If the past Touma viewed Index as a target for "infatuation," then the current Touma views her as the source of his attraction.

However, to the current version of him, his reality is that of a outsider looking in on what he cannot have.

"...Humph! Don't think a few English words can convince me!" "I DON'T CARE! WANNA WANNA WANNA WANNA WANNA WANNA WANNA WANNA!!!" "WHAT'S WITH THIS SHOUTING ATTACK!? IT'S USELESS AGAINST ME! AND LOOK, YOUR CAT RAN INTO THE ALLEY!" "IT'S ALL TOUMA'S FAULT!” “AND YOU'RE BLAMING ME!?!" In the summer sunset, the two shouted at each other. Kamijou casually thought how did the Kamijou Touma then treat her? Maybe it was like this? If it were the case, it would be great for him. But… it was somewhat lonely. After all, the girl was not looking at this Kamijou. What made her completely at ease was the Kamijou of old. It was painful… But, Kamijou still intended to struggle on.

Though Index was saved, it was not by the current version of Kamijou Touma. So, who was he to reap the benefits of a relationship that held such weight, meaning, and inspiration that just looking at index, strong feelings of desire wells up in his heart?

(Uu… it’s obvious who that space is for.) Kamijou’s face blushed in the darkness, but he shook his head. Index’s casual actions stemmed from her trust in Kamijou—maybe slightly different to actual romantic feelings for Kamijou. The impression she gave people was that of a pure child, without an ounce of adultness in her. And the one that she trusted wasn’t the Kamijou standing here now. Kamijou Touma lost his memories, but Index didn’t know this. In other words, the one she trusted was the Kamijou Touma "before the memory loss", and not the Kamijou Touma "standing here right now". And so, Kamijou told himself to not misunderstand, that those things didn’t exist for his sake. Her defenseless way of sleeping, the thought of wanting to sleep in the same bed as him, the lips that faintly opened with her breath, the small chest that heaved slightly whenever she breathed, the soft snow-white legs that poked out of her loose shirt… (…Uh… how to say this, yes, I know, this is a bit…)

He does not believe those two things aren’t mutually exclusive. As far as he knows, he’s never been given a reason not to think so. What memories the past him had, the past he lived, his plans for the future, what he liked, what he hated, what he protected in the past and what he wanted to protect in future, were all lost.

So, regardless, to this current version of Kamijou Touma, to look at Index as someone who can fulfil those kinds of "things," in that way........

“…YOU'RE ACTUALLY A GREAT GUY!” “Hm? I'm really surprised by that response... HOLD ON! WHAT ARE YOU HUGGING ME FOR!? STOP TREADING YOUR TOES ON MY HEAD!!” As Kamijou and Stiyl tugged at each other in the hospital room, the door opened and Index walked in without knocking. “Touma! They’re selling honey-flavored chips in the shops! It’s so interesting I wanna buy it! But I don’t have money! …Eh?” She froze. She saw the struggling magician and the truly touched Kamijou Touma as he tried to touch the magician’s head. The three of them stopped. The world stopped. "Touma… Erm… sorry for interrupting you." "Ho-Hold on a minute! What are you doing? Why’re you looking away!? OI! DON’T GO AWAY WITHOUT RESPONDING!!” GYYYAAAAHHH!! Kamijou cried out as he tried to pull Index as she tried to leave the room. In that situation, he couldn’t say to the young girl, “Sorry Index, I’m interested in you but it would go against social norms.” Kamijou wondered with confusion how he would settle the matter.

Must have seem like a breach on OKT antonymy. Because clearly, it can be implied he came to the conclusion that he must not pursue Index, due to the simple fact that the love she expresses to him isn’t deserving and belongs solely to his previous self that died.

“…” However, it seemed the magician wished to say something.“Wh-What?” “Nothing.” Stiyl sighed. “It’s just that I think you’re too relaxed. This’s a battlefield and yet you’re nonchalantly chatting away with a girl. I don’t really care if you die because of carelessness. In fact, I’d be dancing in joy, but, please don’t drag me down.” “Are you jealous?” “Ku… Ugh…” Stiyl silently seemed like he would burst 60% of his blood vessels. Kamijou began to understand how to handle the person before him. “…Yeah, that’s right.” Stiyl’s words induced surprising shock for Kamijou, though he knew not why he was so affected. “…Don’t be mistaken. I’m not considering that child a target of romance.” Without looking at Kamijou’s face, Stiyl continued. “You should know that up until now, the child had her memories erased in one year intervals or die. Then, you can understand how many people were once in your position.” “…” “Many have wanted to be her father, some, her older brother, others her good friend, and some even her teacher.” Stiyl elaborated. “It’s like that, just that simple. I failed in the past and you succeeded. This’s the only difference between you and me.” Stiyl stared at Kamijou’s face and looked like he was facing an impossible future. “However, I’d be lying if I said that I didn’t care.” He said with a sigh. “Besides, she didn’t really abandon me, just forgot. If she recovered her memories, she’d coming running at me to hug me.” Kamijou had no response. If there was a person, a really important person, that lost her memory… and unknowingly, someone just stepped in and accompanied her, how would I feel? Could I remain calm? Kamijou mused to himself. No, this isn’t just a problem of someone else being beside her. Would he not have felt betrayed by this important girl? However, the man before him still believed in himself, still following through with his belief. So strong. Kamijou looked back at his phone and considered the meaningless five minute conversation. A person had actually given up everything he had in order to protect the person important to him, knowing there was no going back. Such were people’s hearts. These hearts were crushed under the current Kamijou’s feet. What right did he of the moment have to keep the girl for himself? …I don’t know. If it were her only wish to maintain the status quo, Kamijou would have protected it until the end. However, Index had “merely forgotten.” How could a girl who was unaware of the other possibilities be expected to make a decision? I don’t know. But, if Kamijou Touma really saved Index… Yes, if it were the case, he had to take up the burden of protecting her. It was like enthusiastically giving a cat food but not taking it home, despite knowing it would die of hunger. Instead of giving the cat the hope that “this person might keep me,” it would have been better to give it despair from the beginning. However… The one who saved her wasn’t the current “me”. His thoughts came full circle. Who Index needs is the Kamijou Touma of before.

As far as this Kamijou Touma is aware of, it wouldn’t be right for him to take something that someone else had worked hard for. It should be pretty clear to assume for a Touma with no outside reality, a Touma whose life is all about lies, and a Touma who wears a masks and plays a stand in role.

But, most of all, he must have felt guilty about benefiting from everyone before him failures. Even more so, guilty because Index could be consider another of his victims.

Thus why, Stiyl words cut like a hot knife through butter. And was one of the bigger reasons that helped him arrive at the misconception that his whole relationship with Index was just as a spare for her "true" important person.

Yet, just like his pre-amnesiac self when he found out that Index only felt attachment to him because of her memory loss, he couldn't help but feel hurt. (Though it also needs to be noted that Touma obsession with Index after the memory loss also comes from the fact he actually gets to see her again before he could bond with any one else.)

“Also… one more thing.” Stiyl continued. “I believe you don’t have the right to refuse. If you disobey, we’ll take away Index from you.” For some reason, the words carved deeply into Kamijou. His past “knowledge” was afraid. The remnants of the past Kamijou seemed to fear something. “The mission that Necessarius gave you is for you to act as a shackle. You are a shackle that’s preventing the chained Index from betraying the organization. But, if you don’t do as the Church wishes, you aren’t functioning as a shackle.” Stiyl sighed. “Speaking of which, it’d be good for me if you Church felt you were useless. I’d really thank you if you could do it. Since broken shackles are useless, I could just take that child back.” It was a threat. If he disobeyed, Index would be taken away. “...” He was trembling. His heart was beating as if a wooden stake were being hammered in. Kamijou Touma had no memories and the one the girl met was the previous Kamijou Touma. It no longer had anything to do with him. The reason for his rapid heartbeat was likely because of the remnants of the last Kamijou. But… for some reason, “...Are you serious?” Why did he believe with such conviction that his anxiety was a correct response? Kamijou wondered. It was true that Index had first met Kamijou when he had his memories and the trusts and smiles she had were not directed at the current him. Even so, it was alright. He had once seen the girl in the white room cry as she saw a battered and fatigued Kamijou. In order to prevent her tears… Even if he had to deceive the entire world, even himself, it was alright. Kamijou swore to adhere to his own lies!

Why that was, is because of a simple reason.

“Should you really have done that?” “Done what?” replied the boy. “You don’t remember anything, do you?” The transparent boy fell silent. The reality that God had created was not as kind and warm as what he had told that girl. As a result of the magic that had afflicted them, the boy and girl had collapsed in the apartment and the two naming themselves magicians had brought them to the hospital. The supposed magicians had told the doctors what had transpired, and the doctors had of course not believed them. The doctors had only told the boy all of it, because they felt he had the right to know. To him, it was like reading someone else’s diary. To him, it mattered not what someone else’s diary said about a girl he could neither picture in his head nor recognize if he saw her. What he had told her had been nothing more than something he had made up based on what someone else’s diary had said. Even if it said that that right hand that was wrapped in bandages held a power that could destroy even the rules created by God… He did not really believe it. “But should I really have done that?” asked the transparent boy. Even though it had been someone else’s diary, it had been so enjoyable… and so heartbreaking. His missing memories would never come back, but he had somehow managed to think of that as a very sad thing. “For some reason, I didn’t want to make that girl cry. That was how I felt. I don’t know what kind of feeling it was and I’ll probably never remember, but that was how I felt all the same.” The transparent boy gave a truly colorless smile. “Doctor, why did you believe that story? I mean, being a doctor is about as far as you can get from things like magicians and magic.” “Not necessarily.” A proud look appeared on the doctor’s frog-like face. “Hospitals and the occult have a surprisingly close relationship. …And I’m not talking about ghosts haunting hospitals. Depending on their religion, some people refuse to take blood transfusions, refuse surgery, and will sue you even though you saved their life. For a doctor, it is best to just do what the patient says when it comes to the occult.” The doctor smiled, though he did not know why smiled. When he saw the boy smile, he instinctively smiled back like a mirror image. Or perhaps it was the boy that was a mirror of the doctor. That was just how hollow the boy’s smile was. It was like he could feel no sorrow. The boy was really, truly transparent. “I may still remember more than you think.” The frog-faced doctor looked at the transparent boy in slight surprise. “Your memories were ‘killed’, brain cells and all.” What a ridiculous thing for me to say, thought the doctor. But, he continued. “To liken the human body to a computer, your hard disk was utterly fried. If there’s no data left in your brain, just where are these memories supposed to be?” Somehow, the doctor felt the boy’s response would blow that ridiculous logic away. “Isn’t that obvious?” replied the transparent boy. “In my heart.”

While their relationship is in a weird gray area, those feelings of his carries a much deeper or a more fundamental poetic value to the existence known as Kamijou Touma. That is basically the basis of all of his future decisions. Which also could explain this innately shared bias towards her

“Listen, Kamijou Touma. Index has had her memories erased every year. Every year, her relationship changed and found a new partner each time.” “So… What about it?” “This year, it’s you. Two years ago it was me and,” Stiyl continued vengefully. “three years ago it was Aureolus Izzard. They were teacher and student.” Shock. “The fate for every companion was the same. They tried to save her from having her memory wiped but absolutely failed.” He said with disdain. “It was of course the same for him. And, it would seem he didn’t accept it.” “What do you mean?” “Simple. We companions weren’t abandoned by her, she simply forgot us. If that so, then all they needed to do was cure Index and salvage her memory. Wouldn’t she go back to them?” Kamijou’s heart felt a pain like a hammering stake. He did not know what affected him so much. It was a good thing that Index was healed but still there was an inexplicable and invisible impact. He remembered the smile. That smile that she showed to others carried a heavy burden for Kamijou.

Touma might have lost his memories, his cause might have differed somewhat due to varying kinds of trauma and their dreams might have branched off into two separate directions, but all the same, that girls' radiant smile was capable of having its own layered feelings within Kamijou's heart.

Even if in the end that linked his insecurities to his previous self and made him arrive at the preconceived notion that the past achievements are not his own.

"YOU BASTARD!!!" Kamijou couldn't help but roar. Touya revealed a surprised look, but that made it even more unbearable for Kamijou. "That's right, I'm unlucky!" Kamijou said with disdain. "Just this summer vacation alone, I almost died a few times, and I even just had my entire right arm sliced off! If I have to compare it to everyone in class, I suppose only my summer was this unfortunate!" Kamijou paused, and then continued. "But have I said that I regretted this!? Did I say that I didn't want this unfortunate summer vacation!? Stop joking around!! My summer vacation is unfortunate, but so what!? Is that little thing enough to make me regret!?" That's right. The one who had saved Himegami Aisa from Misawa Cram School was Kamijou Touma. That's right. The one who had saved Misaka Imouto from the experiment was Kamijou Touma. Also... The one who had protected that radiant smile of that white nun should also be... Even if he only got involved because of others, even though they were just cases of misfortune, Kamijou had the right to brag about it. On the other hand, if Kamijou was too lucky and hadn't gotten involved in all that, just thinking of the aftermath was enough to make his break out in cold sweat.

This separation of 'self' compounded and fabricated a version of him that developed severe imposter syndrome. All for the sole purpose of wanting to maintain the appearance and happiness of Index.

"An authentic one...?" "Yeah, I know it sounds suspicious... hold on." "What?" "...Since when were you so docile? Are you just listening to me and letting the words come out the other end? Did you not understand at all?” Kamijou was shocked. Stiyl was incorrect. He was truly listening to Stiyl and was trying to understand and respond to the unfamiliar terms. But, it was because of that that Stiyl felt something was amiss. It was like someone had realized that the Kamijou Touma of now was different from the Kamijou Touma of the past. Don’t realize it. Don’t realize it…! The Kamijou of the present did not know the magician’s relationship with Index. But, no matter how distant they may have been, Kamijou did not want others to know about his amnesia. Kamijou saw it. In the patient’s room, he saw the white nun’s habit wearing girl cry. The tears of happiness were shed for the boy that was the Kamijou with his memories. He could not topple her mental support… ever. So, Kamijou had decided to fool the entire world. Even himself. “What, are you giving me this crap just because I’m listening attentively? You aren’t a masochist are you? You the type that wants others to interrupt what you say all the time?” But, of that moment, Kamijou did not know how different he acted from the previous Kamijou. It was like walking with a map. Even if he knew he was going the wrong direction, looking around and finding desert everywhere would not tell him the correct path to take.

However in his vein attempts to camouflage those eyes, facial expressions, and countenance, that had still clamor the issue at hand. He is a pretender. An imposter. A individual without his own ego and a deeply routed complex. He merely tried to be the Touma of old, doing things he would do. Such an imposter complex only made him never be true to himself, he deceived everyone around him, family and friends alike, just so one girl doesn't need to cry.

But....

“Index is suffering. How many people do you think are crying because of this fucking war you started? Is it so strange to want to stand up against that? Is it so wrong to want to fight for a girl who can’t even open her eyes? At the very least, I’m not going to listen to the complaints of some bastard who delights in the suffering of others.” But… “Truly wonderful.” Fiamma held his right hand out towards Kamijou while smiling. A small tube-shaped device lay within that hand. It was Index’s remote control spiritual item. Kamijou’s expression changed and Fiamma grinned widely as he spoke. “Is that really something you can say before a nun you have been continually lying to?” Kamijou’s shoulders gave a slight twitch. (It couldn’t be…) “At times, I am connected to her consciousness through this remote control spiritual item. The information I see and hear is passed on to her at those times.” (He…) “Now then. Can you say the same thing in this situation? There is no problem with being wrong. But if you truly believe what you said, then why did you continue to put on that shameless act before her?” (He’s realized it…?) A chill ran down his back. It was not a feeling regarding the danger he himself was in. It was the feeling of the invisible pillar supporting a certain girl slowly crumbling away. Meanwhile, Fiamma lightly touched his temple with one of his normal fingers and smiled. “You are the only one that can fully understand what you are hiding. She is the only one that can judge how she feels about those things. You seem to have been protecting her from it for your own satisfaction, but I look forward to seeing whether she judges that to have been a good thing or not.”

But, what did that mean for this new him? We're talking about a whole different entity from the Touma with memories. Logically speaking, there's no way he can "prove his existence" as this lie is all he knows.

He isn't even aware of OKT's existence outside of what others told him and Index's presence. He has no recollection of any of his memories before the accident and the only thing he knows about is that OKT sacrificed everything for Index.

How can he set out to prove the existence of the person that he already is?

This is his reality. This is all he knows. He knows nothing of Old Touma. So he can't set out to prove he's a new Touma when in his own mind he's always been that man, and doesn't ever remember being Old Touma. He can't prove that he's not something that he doesn't remember he was.

He was never able to be true to himself. He was one big liar, deceiving everyone in the world, but actually worse than all that is... he deceived both Index and himself the most.

He had not wanted to hurt Index. He had wanted to be the Kamijou Touma that she had trusted. But hadn’t that truly just been Kamijou himself not wanting to see Index’s shocked face? Hadn’t he just been afraid that she would leave him?

As what he really was most scared of, is the idea of her leaving him. If it is the Old Kamijou Touma who she has feelings for, then the New Kamijou Touma most probably has zero bearing in her heart. So of course he was afraid. Afraid he'd be rejected and never looked at with same kind of fondness as before if she ever found out. Afraid that, he would be viewed as the Kamijou Touma that unjustly replaced the man that she loved. Afraid, he would become just another piece of her past at best and a forgotten memory at worst.

So it was easier to say he did it to protect that smile of Index. It was easiest to put a lid on that anxiety and cling to the only basis of those memories to act as a seal. He was rather selfish in that regard. But It is undeniable that the past Touma and Index share a very special and deep bond that goes far beyond friendship—a bond that cannot be easily defined or labeled.

At times in the past, he might have felt obligated to act a certain way because he thought it was what his "past self" would have done, but now, he is completely free from such burden and, after the events of OT22, here and now, we have a Touma that tries to be honest to himself. He is still Touma in his hearts of hearts, and this shouldn't bother him or Index. And it doesn't, Index accepts it, or rather doesn't care. She just wants him to return as he is. To come back home to her. It was a weird idea to begin with honestly. Memory loss Touma has been dealing with so much about living up to the originals legacy and following the standards that pre amnesia Kamijou had set, all for Index to just say it doesn't matter and rejects the whole idea of becoming his old "self".

Makes you laugh, doesn't it? Especially when you remember that Index long since knew that Touma had loss all his memories. We just have to refer back to believe it or not the end of the Index arc. Yes. Though, Index tried to get Touma to remember her and sort of confessed her feelings to him to no avail, she already knew he remembered nothing. (Although seeing that when confronted Touma played it off as a joke and lied it's understandable why people were readily to dismiss this fact). Though, that's taking it at face value.

Now it's up to interpretation if Index fully believed his lies or not but what if she was caught up in the same web of beliefs as Touma? Coping, not by avoiding the issue, but instead repressing it. Putting it to the back of her mind and taking the lie as a truth in order to protect herself from the fear of being left alone or worse than that being forgotten. Because, it is easier to believe a lie than the horrible truth— that their first ever meeting and the impact that it held were all gone, and maybe so too were those emotions.

Index could imagine all what Touma thought. She seemed to understand that Touma felt the same anxiety and fear that she felt. But, she was so busy controlling her own emotions and reasoning that she didn't think about it that much and understood, that the boy Infront of her, was her. A character who relied on another to prove their existence. A person who simply did not want to be left alone. You can begin to see this very subtly in OT6 with the duality between Hyouka and Touma as all three have identity issues.

Index answer to Touma's confession about his memory loss was her being forced to face reality, and not to pretend to not notice the truth of the matter—he did not remember that special time they had spent together. But as she said, what really matters is that the usual him comes backs home to her. Because, at the end of the day, Touma is still Touma. And that is who she really fell in love with.

New Touma and Old Touma aren't different, deep down, they're the same, and that is what she feels. One might just wear his neurosis on his sleeve but he is still the same painfully earnest boy. He carries all of the same kind of concerns, the same kind of worries and uncertainties... and lives his life anyway. He keeps moving forward, and keeps reaching for his goals despite the parts of himself that do their best to get in his own way.

But we also must consider the other circumstance of this moment which obviously meant a lot to her. Touma doesn't realize it, but before he had loss his memories, the last thing he and Index discussed was about creating new memories together. At that moment in time it was nothing but a white lie. A harmless lie. A kind lie that Old Touma told her to reassure her, but it was now turned into the proud truth granted by non other than this New Kamijou Touma. And that's probably one of the things she loves about him. But also, contradictory, the same thing that brings her pain.

Theirs is a relationship between two wacko's who can barely function on their own. A relationship where neither can stand the thought of being apart from each other and want's the other to be a part of their normal mundane life. If index had met Touma a year ago, she surely wouldn't be able to bear spending every day alone on the run. And, just the same, the moment the being called Kamijou Touma met Index, she became a integral part of the core essence that made him up.

3- KARMA OF THE PAST, PRESENT, FUTURE AND SELF.

In the end, after the battle of WW3 was over, Kamijou Touma welcomed his second “death”, and emerging from the frozen waters of Russia, a New Kamajiou Touma came into existence. One born this time from the acceptance of Index, for her reception of his current self, meant the entire world to him.

It must be vividly stressed, however, that Touma didn't so much abandon his past identity as the Kamijou Touma of before, but instead, no longer uses those old memories and actions as the main basis to support or define his current self. It is the subtle difference between 'you need to admit you aren't OKT and give yourself permission to choose how you want to live your life' vs ' You were never OKT in the first place, so you need to give up and accept you will never become him.'

Clearly, he has always thought of themselves as separate beings in retrospect, but this distinction to our protagonist, becomes a rather poetic topic as it is the crux of the later plots in NT9 and NT22R; where his new life gets challenged with the past or I.E overlaps 'he' who had lost his memory with the 'he' before he had lost his memory. (Of course this is is all in reference to Index as she is symbolic with the theme of "identity")

The point I'm trying to make here is, though Touma now has freedom to be his own person, he still hasn't really accepted the past. Not when he continues to view things as 'split'. Because, two different versions of himself in conflict will lead to the inevitable destruction of himself.

He might have stopped comparing the two versions against each other, but he still has not made peace with his past or himself. And that is the core flaw that will always keep repeating itself—why he gives OKT a higher opinion over himself, and why Index still remains on that same pedestal. She is the very representation of the past itself, as well as the metaphorical present and future.

“Ku… So you mean to say that that incident was too pointless to remember?” Apparently misunderstanding, Stiyl continued. “Then, fine. I won’t squabble with you over it. Once I’m done here, the boundary will be complete. And, we’ll be able to head to Misawa Cram… how troublesome. I have to set up a boundary to repel magicians but weak enough that that child won’t notice.” Stiyl continued to mutter, seemingly quite happy. As such, Kamijou somewhat realized a fact. “Do you like Index?” “Eh? EH!?” Stiyl blushed as if his heart had stopped. “Wh-Wh-Wh-Why are you saying such ridiculous things all of a sudden?! She-She’s a target of protection, not for romance—!” Kamijou chuckled and ended the conversation because he felt that if he delved deeper, he would dig his own grave. The main point was not whether the current Kamijou Touma liked Index or not but that the current Kamijou’s feelings must have been the same as the previous Kamijou. The current him knew not how the pre-amnesia Kamijou Touma thought of Index or how the interactions went. If Kamijou were to say something contradictory, Stiyl would have realized his masquerade. It’s like there’s two of “me”… Kamijou sighed deeply in his heart. It was inaccurate to say there were two Kamijou’s. Kamijou felt that a false him invaded the real one’s body and assumed his personality, putting the current him in an awkward situation.

NT and GT barely concentrated much between them and their connection or conflict, but from what little it chooses to say and not say, adds to the emotional torment with Index. As the past him/OKT likes Index. He can't let go of that fact, but nor can he deny that he also likes Index, which is represented by this impulsive attraction, hollowness and fixation with her.

“Let’s go home.” Kamijou said. Unable to get past the flowing gold, Kamijou could only make a detour through the four buildings and return to Himegami. “I beat that guy called Aureolus. I didn’t kill him but he’s done. He can’t fight, he’s wounded and his heart’s broken.” So, go home. There was nothing left to protect. The students that took part in the Gregorian Chant could not be saved and he ended up dueling the alchemist. There lacked any reason for Kamijou to remain there. He himself desired to escape that battlefield filled with death and return home. He wanted to go home and he wanted to have dinner with Index. It would be alright so long as he escaped Misawa Cram School. If I could just see her, I could return to the normal world. Before I’m stuck here, before I get used to a world of murder and death… If I can’t go back it’s over. He realized blankly and ever so clearly. A devil appeared in Kamijou’s fragile heart. First, according to Stiyl, Index had to have her memory wiped every year. Second, according to Stiyl, Index found a new partner every year. Finally, according to Stiyl, Index was completely ignorant. Easily imaginable, the Index who smiled years past was not the Index that Kamijou knew. There were too many around Index that needed her. He had not explicitly said it, but Stiyl did imply it when he had said “this does not mean we have given up and are leaving her to you.” “…” A sudden feeling of grogginess forced Kamijou to support himself with his hand. He felt that if he treated that child just like any other person, he would be unable to return to his ordinary life. …Such an ugly and possessive thought. In such critical circumstances, thoughts of self defeat could easily become self-sacrifice or other suicidal actions. Kamijou took a deep breath and calmed himself, forcing himself not to think in such a way. He had realized that if such thoughts continued, his mind would have crumbled.

Touma had long since realize he has these feelings that were deeper than just “I like her” and “I want her in my life” towards Index. But he did not want to express it because it’ll just complicate things between them. In all, Touma knows there's something’s there, but refuses to address it. And by the point of OT6, resolves to not view her as a target for 'intimacy' (NT is when this becomes fully realize)

"Why haven't you realized it yet?" "...What?" "Your words are really contradicting. You believe that your heart is having so many contradictions, that you can accept all sorts of ideas, that your belief will waver...maybe you're thinking that way. But you're wrong. Actually, you had only one belief right from the beginning." Kamijou said it, the only answer that Sherry herself hadn't thought of, "Anyway, you just don't want to lose your friend, right?" That was right, the 'beliefs' that Sherry Cromwell had were as many as the stars in the sky, and the contents were contradicting each other. But the basic source was the same. All her beliefs came from what happened to her friend, and all her thoughts had been bred and derived from there. Even though her beliefs were as many as the stars, the thoughts for her friend hadn't changed a single bit. "Stand on one side and think carefully! If you can't, then think about it some more! Didn't you use those dirt 'eyes' to spy on us? What do you think? Do Index and I look unhappy together? It’s alright even if we don’t separate from each other completely! Even if we don’t do anything, we can remain happy together forever!” Wasn’t Kamijou’s and Index’s relationship what Sherry had always wanted? Why must she break such a relationship?’ Kamijou would definitely not say those words, for Sherry had only one wish, and that wish couldn’t be fulfilled anymore. There was no substitute for the wish, and if someone had tried to tell Kamijou to replace his relationship with Index with someone else, Kamijou would definitely sock that guy good. Thus, Kamijou didn’t mean this. What Kamijou Touma was trying to say was, ‘We don’t need your help! So stop taking away my important friend!’

The problem was not that he couldn't wrap his head around what exactly that "feeling" was, or that he could not define it, but that he can never be completely *genuine* with those briming emotions. Not even after he reached the common understanding that what he feels for Index or for that matter what past him felt for Index is actually beyond general infatuation.

“…listen to what the winner says?” “It’s not that. Even though we said that we’ll listen to what the winner says, there’s still a limit, Index! It’s definitely not that kind of perverted development that you’re thinking of, so please relax!!” “Wa! I’m not thinking about that!!” Index opened her mouth, but froze halfway through. Index didn’t know whether to leap onto him or not, as she could only open her small mouth wide. Kamijou trembled as he thought, (Cheh!! Though it’s irritating to get bitten, it’s awkward for her to have such awareness! It’s unbearable to be in kind of attention where nothing is happening. How can I break this deadlock!?) Taking this opportunity to remove her bad habit of biting others was a way, but if things weren’t successful, it wouldn’t be good for this awkward situation to continue. Why do I feel like I’m having some dilemma, like I’m confessing to my childhood friend!? Kamijou was perplexed.

Not after hearing what happened between Index and the original him on that fateful day, encouraging him to set up a safety net status quo, whereby, with hopefulness and sincerity verging on desperation, he tries to get bitten by Index. Otherwise, he stews in the possibility he might have to confront these said awkward feelings.

Similar to pre-memory loss Touma in OT1.

“…” Index surely had the best of intentions as she sat there with a towel, but Kamijou found himself unable to attach the term “innocent” to it. “What is it?” “Oh…” Kamijou had fallen silent, and now he tried to change the subject. “I was thinking about how you look from here in this futon.” “Do I look weird? I am a nun; I can nurse people.” He did not, in fact, believe she appeared odd. Her pure white nun’s habit and motherly behavior made her seem like an actual nun (a fact he insultingly found surprising). And, more importantly… The way she looked at him with those teary eyes and flushed cheeks from having cried, she seemed quite… But for some reason, he just could not bear to speak that aloud, so instead he said, “Oh, it’s nothing. I noticed that your nose hairs are silver too, is all.” “………………………………………………………” Index’s smile instantly froze in place. “Touma, Touma. Do you know what’s in my right hand?” “Well, the porridge… No, wait! Don’t offer it to gravity!” In the next instant, Kamijou Touma met the misfortune of having his vision filled with the white porridge and its bowl.

Similar to when he retuned from WW3 drunk and had to face both Index and Misaka. And similar to when he returned home to Index after the whole Ichihanaransai Festival incident.

In a story that is constantly changing with all kinds of love interest, Index is a constant in Touma's everyday life. She maybe an absolute mess and someone he doesn't truly understand, but she is also someone who he completely feels comfortable with on all levels. She is always there when Touma comes home and the two of them jut vibes and get each other.

Outwardly, their relationship might appear to be static and the very embodiment of the story's status quo, however, inwardly, it is clear from the start they've grown very very very close to each other that feelings of romanticism still very much exist and have practically develop even more. Both from Index side[who feelings were innocent at the time] and Kamijou's[who fell for Index separate from the past]. Those feelings didn't get stuck in the past and just disappeared. They wouldn't. Regardless of what has happened, they will at least stay with them forever.

Their actions may not be honest, but their feelings sure as heck were. And that is a very real thing that they have. But what keeps them apart is the most human and painfully relatable emotion of all, fear.

“Tell me your name.” The Magic God hopped from desk to desk as if she were crossing a clear stream using the rocks sticking above the surface. She was approaching the boy. It was a simple task. And she finally arrived at the boy’s desk. With her feet planted on the desk, she looked down on the puny boy from the heavens above. “ ‘Kamijou Touma’, what kind of person were you originally?” “…” “As you filled with righteous anger and challenged a god for the sake of your friends, what kind of people surrounded you? Who did you abandon in order to protect someone?” Unpleasant sweat poured from the boy’s face, back, and entire body. “There had to be someone. It may not have been on the level of that ridiculous harem boy, but the ‘real you’ had to have had someone. Someone you wanted to protect with your life even if it meant fighting someone you knew you could not defeat. Where is that person now? Where are they and what are they doing while you are denying the ‘real you’ and insisting you are ‘Kamijou Touma’?” All heat seemed to have left his body. He was cold. A chill enveloped his body and threatened to freeze its core. “Tell me,” said the Magic God. She toyed with the initiative. “As thanks for letting me kill some time, I will return you to your former position as long as you tell me your proper name. …You can return to your friends, lover, and family. If you can find your ‘true self’, I will return you to the people who hold a connection to that ‘true self’.

Fear of the possibility that they might be rejected; fear that they might say or do something wrong which could result in them being separated. The fear that at each of their cores, there exist the belief that they are each others second choice, and are only settling.

The implication here is that Touma still carries in him some self-guilt and uncertainty about his identity, even if Index had accepted him. Because, deep down, he still doesn't feel that he deserves her happiness, or validation. Even though he knows he has feelings for her, a part of him still feels that he isn't supposed to.

A soccer ball rolled up to Kamijou’s feet. Othinus gently removed her arms from his neck. Freed from her grasp, he looked over. A small form approached him. It was a nun wearing a white habit. “My ball…” Hearing that voice, Kamijou instinctually reached for the soccer ball at his feet. As Index approached the ball, she almost looked like a puppy. A few other people were visible behind her. Stiyl Magnus. Kanzaki Kaori. And some priests and nuns he did not recognize. “Oh,” he muttered. Due to losing his memories, he had lost the actual events. But he more or less understood based on his knowledge. This was a future where they had not failed and had not had their role stolen by Kamijou. “?” As the silver-haired girl took the large ball from him, she looked at his face and tilted her head. “What’s wrong? Does your stomach hurt?” she asked. He figured he was making a very strange face. Would something change if he reached out with his right hand and rubbed her head? Or would nothing at all change? For an instant, his right palm trembled ominously. “No.” Kamijou formed a smile. He quietly clenched his right fist on his lap. “It’s nothing. I’m fine.” Kamijou watched the girl’s back as she jogged away. That sight of her joining another group had to be the one those people had seen so many times in the world he knew. Had that really been a form of salvation? Who had he been saving by continually providing those people this horrible sense of loss?

In one fell swoop, Othinus reopened some pretty deep wounds.

Retreading the same grounds of his emotional arc, and also acting as a doubles entendre, questioning this time, what happened to the "him" who is all alone... separated from that someone [who he loves].

It is unknown if Othinus meant for it or not, but she basically portrayed to him, a Touma who not only betrayed the memory of his past, but also a incredibly callous person who took advantage of that persons feelings and vulnerability.

“Wait!” Kamijou Touma heard a certain girl’s voice. A small figure ran toward him. She was a nun in a white habit that had golden embroidery as if on a teacup. He knew this girl by the name of Index. “Stiyl, Kaori! It’s wrong to only let me choose three things in this food paradise!! I’m already starving!!” Kamijou raised his head of his own free will. He wanted to burn the scene before him into his mind. As the silver-haired girl ran out of the crowd, she held a calico cat in her arms. She had already spotted who she was looking for, so there was no hesitation in her actions. And… Without slowing for an instant, she ran right by Kamijou. She had not been looking at him. He heard voices behind him. But the boy did not look back. He had made up his mind now. He felt as if he had seen what he truly needed to protect. He began walking once more.

The gap between that Beta world and Perfect World, seemingly presented him with his greatest fears referenced way back in OT2. (Styles words came to pass.)

In that Omega World which challenged his internal conflict, Touma's shaky mental stability reinforced his perspective of making sure to do right by Index and OKT relationship, because, he understood firsthand how much OKT cared about her.

That's why, after the regret and anguish that he had held at the end of NT 22, a complete manifestation of Touma's inner false perceptions, past memories and desperate desires snatched away most of his power and took his place to fulfill his wish that wasn't granted with the use of his current self.

My interpretation of things is that KnT is what happens when he losses sight of what it means to be Kamijou Touma.

KnT is just a ruthless version of what Touma could have become if he was never the same at his core. The narration had already said it best, he is the complete opposite of Kamijou Touma. They're ethically very different. KnT is the very embodiment of his self hatred that got touched on when he fought, Izzard, Vento and Kamisato as well as the the false perceptions he applied to himself throughout the series up until now—that is, he is a terrible person. The worse type of person. Someone who puts his desire to save people over everyone else. An underhanded trickster who uses people to achieve his ends. A selfish person who is dishonest and usually achieves what he wants through pure violence. (like he said in the conversation with Isis Demeter Orsala)

This is serious coping from Touma's side, because, he is a character who does the selfless thing and then seeks a selfish reason later on so no one could accuse him of being a saint or a good person when he decides to go against public opinion to save another person.

However, KnT vs Touma wasn't a fight of kantianism vs utilitarianism.

“Besides, you should have been able to try a little harder. You didn’t need to give up on those lives if you had used your right hand properly!! What about the Golden magicians? Or Aleister and Coronzon!? Can you really say that conclusion was the best possible one!? Well, can you!?” Even if the unexpected had happened, he could not back out now. He could not admit it had been a failure. “Wasn’t that who Kamijou Touma was supposed to be?” So he played the villain. He claimed he had always intended to do it while desperately trying to fix things. All while trusting that he would come up with some way of fixing this if he bought himself enough time. “When you had nowhere to escape to, you didn’t hesitate to rely on Komoe-sensei. When you couldn’t win with your arm, you held back the magicians with pleas to their emotions. You didn’t care about the suffering girl’s time limit; you were just afraid of losing everything yourself. It’s pathetic, but wasn’t that a part of who Kamijou Touma was!?”

But KnT basically pulled a White Ichigo. Teaching him what it means to be Kamijou Touma by being someone who Kamijou Touma obviously is not, even with the use of IB and the memories of the past and present. Essentially telling him to never give up on himself or else another imposter state will take his spot for keeps this time[at the cost of Touma himself].

“He is my past.” “Your past?” asked Takitsubo Rikou with a blank stare and a tilt of her head. That single word cut right to the core of who someone was and acted as a guide to those who heard it. But Kamijou had difficulty explaining this. He did not know how. But at the very least, this other boy had claimed Kamijou Touma’s missing past. “A forgotten past is a really heavy thing because it points to things I’ve done that I’m completely ignorant of. And it feels like I’m being criticized about every little thing. Like I’m just an illusion because I lack that solid foundation.” But whatever that Kamijou Touma said may not have mattered all that much. He was afraid of hearing those same things from someone else. Like from a girl with a link to that missing past. “I feel like old friends and people with a connection to my past will see him as more meaningful and valuable than me. …I thought I had finally gotten past all that by being honest about it, but even if they claim to forgive me, how can I never know if that’s what they really and truly think deep down? It scares me to think I’m disappointing people I care for.” That other boy could probably trace his finger along the data of the past and spread his ring of allies as wide as he liked. He could act like Kamijou Touma and steal away the people and things Kamijou had built up. That was how much weight the past and memories carried. If he was asked to objectively prove his claim, Kamijou would always come out on the losing end.

His trauma from NT9 came back full circle.

“I thought if we fought, I could preserve the place we had.” “…” “As long as Aleister and Coronzon’s battle continued, I thought we could live in Academy City forever. So maybe I wanted to find some big mystery leftover and for it to take physical form and attack us.” But that was selfish. Aleister and Coronzon themselves must have been fighting to bring an end to all the fighting. He could not demand they extend their suffering just because he wanted to protect his own temporary lifestyle. He knew that. He did, but Kamijou Touma still bit his lip. “What do we do?” Index had two paths open to her: stay here in England, or head back to Academy City. “What are we supposed to do now?” And Kamijou Touma also had two paths open to him. Aleister was gone. His plan was no more. Would he return to an Academy City with no scheming villain, or would he choose another path by heading into the world of magic while relying on his right hand’s power? Imagine Breaker worked on any supernatural power whether it came from science or magic, so perhaps he had no reason to stay in Academy City any longer. Index did not say anything for a while. She was thinking. Then her lovely lips opened just a bit and she spoke. “I want to go home.” “Kh.” She had made her choice. Index wanted to go home. Of course she did. It had always been unnatural for her to be in Japan’s Academy City. Kamijou knew he had to make his choice now. But Index smiled and said more. “So let’s go home to Academy City. I mean, isn’t that what we were fighting for? If we don’t do that, what were we even risking our lives for?” “Are you really okay with that?” He was trembling. But he could not quite figure out why that was. “I mean, this is where you were born and there’s nothing tying you to that city anymore! If you want to return here, you can!! So are you really sure!?” “There is something.” The silver-haired girl in the princess dress smiled a little. This was not the usual smile she gave. “There still is something tying me there. But it isn’t a bad thing. So let’s go home, Touma. The place I’m thinking of now has to be where I’m really meant to be. That isn’t something I can abandon so readily.” He had no words. Even though he knew he had to say something. If Index stayed in London, she would have plenty of use for her talents. And there were people here waiting for her, like Stiyl and Kanzaki. There was no need for her to force herself to return to her life in Academy City. He wanted to tell her to think about this more carefully so she could make sure she had made the best possible decision for herself. But he could not. He could not bring himself to do it. As ugly and as despicable as it might be, Kamijou could not possibly say anything that had the slightest chance of making her change her mind. So silence naturally fell over them. They simply stood there on the otherwise empty balcony looking into each other’s eyes. Someone must have been shooting off fireworks to celebrate the end of the war because the many colors of those fiery flowers illuminated the winter darkness outside the balcony. But the boy and the girl did not turn to look. “Index…” he said. He naturally placed his hands on her slender shoulders. Not even he may have known what he was trying to do. His fingertips must have touched the buns on either side of her head when he placed his hands on those shoulders because her silver hair came undone. It shined brightly in the moonlight. Index softly looked up at him. And like that, she ever so slightly angled her head.

And KnT, part living proof of his of his innate desires, tried to confront his fears. To ascertain a conclusion which can finally put him to rest. But more than that, to grant his whish to protect the very happiness of all that which he treasures[almost as if like a dragon].

“Geez, really? Index, quit chowing down on those! You’re getting crumbs all over your dress!!” “Nhh.” “Are you feeling sleepy? All you’ve been saying is ‘nh’.” “Nhhh.” She was apparently too sleepy to respond properly. That would probably change once the caffeine kicked in, but Kamijou had no choice but to look after her for the time being. He used a handkerchief to wipe off her mouth and the lace around her neck before brushing the cracker crumbs off of her dress. They were unsalted crackers, so the calico cat licked at the ones that fell into her lap. And… “…” Did he notice the honey-blonde girl with the apple jam tea silently narrowing her eyes? She watched the pointy-haired boy smiling bitterly as he looked after the small girl. What was she reminded of when she saw that?

Although, though it is not confirmed, the implications in the last couple of chapters is that, somewhere between trying to understand the intended character of Kamijou Touma and his relationship dynamics, KnT started to bloom feelings of his own. And he hates himself for somehow developing them. He does not look at life similar to most people. He was suppose to be emotionless and hollow.

That monster really was the opposite of Kamijou Touma. While Kamijou had been remade into a sky-blue and lemon-yellow winged lizard when it surrounded him from the outside, the monster hid his shocking-pink and emerald form beneath the skin of a boy. That summed it up quite well. Was it a boy controlling an ability, or was it an ability defining itself as a boy? In his own way, he had tried to carry everything on his own shoulders. But it had all fallen apart before his eyes. Had he played the villain and pretended to be so coldhearted because he had not known how to accept that? Just like Aleister had pretended to see everything coming? “You didn’t think that ability was nothing more than a colorful shell to cover your body, did you?” “…” “I’m here because you wished for me, Kamijou Touma. That’s why I have this form. You made the wish, didn’t you? You knew it was an absurd idea, but during that war you wished you could have used Imagine Breaker more effectively. You wondered if the real way to use it was hidden in your lost memories. If it wasn’t for your regrets, I never would have had to think about something as silly as using your lost memories to play the role of Kamijou Touma and using Imagine Breaker more cleverly than you!!!!!!” “You never would have… had to think?” “I’m nothing more than an an ability: something that distorts quantum physics. I was supposed to have nothing of my own. My sense of self, my personality to overcome any adversity, and my memories that you lack? It all only exists because you wished it to.”

However, once he met Index, those feelings which were enough to launch his villain journey, now transformed into strong feelings that he developed while he was pretending to be someone else [and not OKT].

It is unclear whether the mixed emotions are his own, NKT or the ones that KT had in the past. But, KnT emphasized that whether Touma has his memories or even if his core were not there, he can not forget the feelings that had sprouted in his chest, even if he wanted to. She is a core piece of the puzzle that makes up his heart, paved in as someone other than himself.

Thus, as that symbolic theme of identity, she made KnT lose himself, dropped his guard and got him swept up in that "Pink Atmosphere" that clearly surrounds the both of them. To the point of almost kissing her, comforting her and allowing himself to be comforted by her.

But so what?

The majority of it was still NKT and not KnT. Be it the burst of emotions felt on that balcony, being pissed for constantly being used by the leaders of the world. Or knowing exactly why Touma and Misaki's promise was so important enough to manipulate her. None of those were his own feelings. (Stopping to think about it, chapter 4 could be seen as him having a identity crisis.)

Hence this incredibly human hatred towards the current Kamijou Touma—the person who is responsible for starting it all.

Regardless, by the end of NT22R, Touma displayed the growth he has achieved over the series by succeeding where his former self had failed. He now constructed this rigid structure of the current Kamijou Touma, and no longer will he dismiss his own existence. As selfish it may seem, he wants to move forward with this current life. This is why he refuses Rank #6. And also see the parallelism between Maidono and him.

If Aurelous is what he could have become if he had failed in saving Index, then, Maidono is who he would be If he had remained fixated on his lost memories–Someone who uses their trauma as a excuse and right to do whatever they want.

It’s that very same thing he has been running away from since the start. A dust-colored camouflage that gives a false sense of security to entitlement.

To the one who sets his heart ablaze.

I think feelings and recognizing the way you feel is important and all but in lieu of referencing destiny, I also think sometimes feelings are predetermined just by the way you're wired and the way you meet someone. Feelings of love always start from somewhere and while Ayu's fate and Misaki's meeting being forgotten definitely contributed, It was Index herself that drew him in.

Basically, OT2 confirmed that Touma enjoys Index's company. OT6 confirmed that he values her as an important person in his life(not really love yet but ultra close). NT9 confirms that he would be completely devastated to know that Index doesn't look at him and then N22R confirms that he is indeed in love with her.(If KnT is a dragon that protects treasure then the one he gave all his attention to could be considered Touma's most prize possession)

But, with all the events that happen in the series I don't think either of them(Touma and Index) truly understands what they feel for each other. It's... complicated. Somewhere between lovers, siblings, and parent and child, made even more complicated when you consider that it is a relationship between a horny amnesiac teenager that is basically a walking cluster of feelings for a girl that looks like a loli, and a innocent girl whose heart has not yet awakened to love, and has the mental maturity of a 10 year old.

The only thing they seem to agree on (however implicitly) is that neither one wants to live without the other and that they each want the other to be happy. Those sentiments are more important than any labels, because, we know they're honest with each other in terms of that closeness.

For them, they just want a normal life together. Index wants that and so to does Touma. I don't doubt that they both see each other as family, but the question is which label? Because their relationship is still an unmolded clay. It's not so one sided as everyone claims and both their 'family' roles are interchangeable. What is for certain however is that, Index knows she has strong feelings towards Touma and Touma, vice versa, knows he has strong feelings towards Index. But living together is enough for them to feel happy. There is no need for them to label anything.

The weird thing you have to consider about Touma and Index is that they are exactly the kind of people who can go over 10 years not in a relationship and yet absolutely both feel like they're dating each other even if it's not official between them. To the average bystander, they could be just friends one day and after a day or two, see them again and they'll be married with no prior engagement or explanation. They're just that weird.

They make fun of each other, argue, fight and at the end of it all make up and goof about. They’ve been there for each other, even if they didn’t know it at times. They might fight like cats and dogs, but they're also always watching out for each other. They're close, despite the vast gap of nearly everything, and have an emotional attachment to each other that fulfills each other's wants and needs. Index, with how she gives every version of him purpose and direction, and Touma, with how he gives her a place to call home and new memories with which she will always treasure and hold deeply. It is that glue that keeps them together for so long.

Theirs is a story that begins with them and will end with them.

In fact, they practically have the same arc, though Index’s is rather understated compared to Touma [she didn’t adopt a false persona after all]. For both of them, the flaw that they must learn to overcome over the course of the series is their fear of confronting the truth of their past. Or to put it more crudely, the truth they’re at the very least omitting. Touma does so to upheld the past and protect himself from his fear of being rejected, and, Index does so at the expense of herself, because she fears the truth will do more harm than good. They’re two sides of the same coin.

Nonetheless, the key points in their emotional journeys are intrinsically connected to each other.