danielsperaw

[danielsperaw]

How to Stop Feeling Irritated! By that Crazy Party, Jackhammer or Barking Dog.

A high-pitched barking suddenly shattered the quiet afternoon. The neighbor's new dog was yapping with a ridiculous ferocity.

And it continued for hours. I finally walked out and looked over the fence; he was barking at a bug!

The next morning, he started again early and kept at it on and off all day and into the night. He barked as if his life depended on it, and I found myself sending more than a few negative thoughts toward him, the neighbor, and life in general. I just could not understand why they were not bothered! Just shut him up!! Please!!!

And then, one afternoon, I realized he had not been barking for a while. Several days? And my next thought was, Did he die? Oh, please, God!

Later that day, I heard him barking again. The noise was just as piercing; he went on for just as long, and I realized he had never stopped! It was me that had stopped being bothered!

Whether that irritating noise is a loud party, jackhammer or dog, it is not the noise that bothers us but the negative feelings they spark. If those feelings were not within us, we would not be feeling them. We would be at peace.

When we do feel them, we immediately tighten our body and breath to help us stop feeling that way. Many of us also (desperately?) distract ourselves by doing or thinking about something/anything else.

This is all called repression, and it leaves those negative feelings within us waiting for the next irritation and general upset.

Okay, here is the part you might not like. To eliminate those feelings and free ourselves, stop fighting, stop distracting and start feeling.

3 Steps to Peace

1) The first step is counter-intuitive: give the noise permission to be there; allow it to be loud and irritating (I know, crazy, but try it anyway).

2) The next step is to relax. You will find yourself tensed against the noise; release more of that tightness each time you breathe out.

* Note - Your mind will probably keep skipping away; gently bring yourself back to breathing out the tension.

3) And let go of those negative emotions by letting yourself feel them. Every moment you let yourself feel awful frees you that much more.

One immediate upside is that your inner strength will increase (because facing what we do not want to face always makes us stronger).

And there will come a time when that irritation/anger is gone. I promise.

[danielsperaw]

Feeling Defensive?  Give the Discomfort Back to Them — Easily (and increase your inner strength).

“You like that song?” she asked using her best what's-wrong-with-you tone of voice.

I stomped down on a rush of defensiveness.

That awful tone of voice always has me scrambling, trying to come up with some logical, hopefully significant reasons to show that I have good taste and that my choice is a good one.

She cleared her throat, waiting for an answer. Not having one, I looked away.

Our society near demands that we appear logical at all times and that we have good reasons for our every choice. And to admit that the basement in any way runs the upper stories is close to heresy.

So, go ahead pile the wood around the stake. I confess.

Really, I have no idea why I love peppermint-fudge-ripple ice cream and dislike, okay hate, that peanut-chip, cookie-frosted cone.

But it is not just ice cream, and it is not just me.

A study showed that when most people buy a car, they do it emotionally: they see it, fall in love and sign the papers. At that point, they begin coming up with all the clearly logical reasons why it was the best choice, the only choice.

I heard her ask, “You’re not going to answer me?”

Since I did not choose to like this song, what could I tell her?

So, I took a breath, looked up, and asked, “You don’t like this song?”

She opened her mouth, paused, and finally stammered, “I, I don’t know. I guess it's alright.”

Every 8 days, a post like this sent directly to your inbox (free of spam):

The Power to Change

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[danielsperaw]

Only One Way to Increase Self-love (and change your life)

NOTE: True self-love has no emotion - at all.

REALITY: Self-love is not about feelings. True self-love includes no emotion.

REALITY: Increasing self-love always increases self-esteem, inner strength and, of course, quality of life.

REALITY: Self-love can be difficult to increase.

But I love Myself ! ?

Of the many ways to not love ourselves, here are a few of mine:

* When I am tired at work, I push myself instead of stopping or at least taking a few minutes of downtime.

* When a tiny rock is in my shoe, I start looking for a good place to take it out instead of just taking it out.

* Sometimes, I leave home without enough warmth for later, thinking, “Oh, it won’t be that cold.”

* My biggest self-love problem is putting off eating and urinatin,g too.

Why treat myself this way? Whatever I am doing at that moment is more important than I am, more important than my basic needs.

No Emotion?

True self-love has no emotion because love is a temporary feeling and does not bring change. Change only comes when we treat ourselves better.

And it can be a struggle.

First Time

I finally decided to start feeding myself at the first sign of hunger: I clenched my jaw, tightened my fists and made the decision. When the next meal rolled around, I wanted to finish… something. After some moments, I again decided to eat but came up with yet another reason to delay.

I realized I was in a struggle, and it was a struggle that continued to pop up meal after meal. This is what I learned.

The reasons I give myself for delaying (or denying) always sound compelling, but looking back, they are rarely true.

The benefits of this struggle are many: each time we do not feel like taking better care of ourselves but do it anyway, we increase both inner strength and self-esteem.

Also, giving ourselves more can make it easier to give to those around us (improving our relationships), and our quality of life rises too.

Sure, the increases are small, but they all add up to a better us living a better life.

Making Self-Love Easier

1. Progress is easier and faster when focusing on one change at a time.

If you feel frustrated with one change, switch to another. Each small success influences them all, even the ones we are unaware of.

2. Do not use a tough attitude when deciding to make a positive change. Clenched teeth only set the foundation for struggle and quitting.

Instead, before making your resolution, breathe out the body's tension with each breath; then, with a relaxed body and easy breathing, make the decision gently and quietly.

3. And each time you decide to take action, again, breathe out the tension. Relaxing body and breath can make it easier to ignore those ‘important’ reasons to delay or deny.

4. Above all, if you fail, be kind and gentle with yourself. Being self-critical only increases the struggle and the desire to quit.

The Truth About Self-Love

One of the most amazing feelings we can experience is that of someone caring about us, caring for us. It is a feeling that surrounds, supports, and lifts; it makes life better no matter what else is happening.

And it is a feeling that you can experience more of — from you. So do that. Go on a campaign to give yourself what you need when you need it because you deserve to feel cared for -- much more often.

Every 8 days, a post like this sent directly to your inbox (free of spam):

..............The Power to Change

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[danielsperaw]

How to STOP that Awful Sarcasm & Put-Down Humor - quietly & easily.

Updated: Sep 11

* Here is a way to shut down the meanness, easily and quietly

I froze, face reddening. Everyone looked at me, waiting to see how I would take the "joke."

Barely breathing, a smile pasted on my face; I felt resentful, hurt, and angry. I finally dropped my eyes, shook my head, and remained silent.

Sadly, I have known people who enjoyed spreading sarcasm and put-down humor: my father, 2 friends at school and even a romantic relationship.

And I rarely spoke up! I told myself I did not want to damage the relationship, but really, I hated confrontations. And deep down? Well, I thought I deserved it.

The few times I did speak up and object, they said, Lighten up, or I was only joking, or What’s wrong? Can’t take a joke?

When I persisted, tried to explain why I didn't like it, that it hurt, and if somebody had said it to them, they wouldn't like it either, they replied, You’re too sensitive.

I finally realized that no explanation would ever work with these people. They just will not/cannot admit that their words are hurtful.

Much later, I also realized that whatever I'm feeling is my truth. And if somebody thinks I am too sensitive, that is their problem. My problem is learning to stand up for myself.

How to Stop Them

There are two ways to shut down the meanest of these people quickly, quietly, and with your chin up.

In a group setting

Look at the person and ask, Where did that come from? This usually puts them on the defensive and scrambling for a response.

With an individual

I wrote this from the viewpoint of an abused woman: Last night, I forgot a bag of groceries in the car, and he said, “What, Alzheimer’s already?”

Then, this morning, I broke a coffee mug, and from the living room, he yelled, “I signed you up for a class in coordination. You start tomorrow.”

And later, he discovered a mistake in our checkbook and ‘joked,’ “If only you were smart too.”

To stop abuse from an individual, first try the same question: Where did that come from? If you do not think it will work, or it does not work, use these two steps:

1.) Choose a short sentence like That hurt, or I didn’t like that, or That felt awful.

2.) Then, in response to their sarcasm or put-down humor, say those words, and only those words, no matter what the joker says: do not argue, debate, or defend. Do not try to make them feel wrong or bad.

Simply repeat and keep repeating.

There will likely come a moment when they finally hear you, and if you repeat those simple words every time, there is a good chance they will stop.

If you have any trouble doing the above, try this: Have a friend play the role of abuser, and you practice asking, Where did that come from? or use your chosen words.

The goal is to find a quiet but strong voice and be sure to have some fun with it. Or, instead, imagine your abuser and practice in front of a mirror.

Your first efforts out in the world might not work because your voice/manner is not strong enough. But you deserve to feel the power and joy of standing up for yourself, so if you stumble or cannot do it at all, go back to practicing (no matter how much you might not want to).

And know that every practice session and every attempt to speak up increases your inner strength (regardless of how you feel)—every time.

Every 8 days, a post like this sent directly to your inbox (free of spam):

The Power to Change

.

.

.

[danielsperaw]

How to STOP that Awful Sarcasm & Put-Down Humor

Updated: 3 days ago

I froze, face reddening. Everyone looked at me, waiting to see how I would take the "joke."

Barely breathing, a smile pasted on my face; I felt resentful, hurt, and angry. I finally dropped my eyes, shook my head, and remained silent.

Sadly, I have known people who enjoyed spreading sarcasm and put-down humor: my father, 2 friends at school and even a romantic relationship.

And I rarely spoke up! I told myself I did not want to damage the relationship, but really, I hated confrontations. And deep down? Well, I thought I deserved it.

The few times I did speak up and object, they said, Lighten up, or I was only joking, or What’s wrong? Can’t take a joke?

When I persisted, tried to explain why I didn't like it, that it hurt, and if somebody had said it to them, they wouldn't like it either, they replied, You’re too sensitive.

I finally realized that no explanation would ever work with these people. They just will not/cannot admit that their words are hurtful.

Much later, I also realized that whatever I'm feeling is my truth. And if somebody thinks I am too sensitive, that is their problem. My problem is learning to stand up for myself.

How to Stop Them

There are two ways to shut down the meanest of ‘jokers’ quickly, quietly, and with your chin up.

In a group setting

Look at the person and ask, Where did that come from? This usually puts them on the defensive and scrambling for a response.

With an individual

I wrote this from the viewpoint of an abused woman: Last night, I forgot a bag of groceries in the car, and he said, “What, Alzheimer’s already?”

Then, this morning, I broke a coffee mug, and from the living room, he yelled, “I signed you up for a class in coordination. You start tomorrow.”

And later, he discovered a mistake in our checkbook and ‘joked,’ “If only you were smart too.”

To stop abuse from an individual, first try the same question: Where did that come from? If you do not think it will work, or it does not work, use these two steps:

1.) Choose a short sentence like That hurt, or I didn’t like that, or That felt awful.

2.) Then, in response to their sarcasm or put-down humor, say those words, and only those words, no matter what the joker says: do not argue, debate, or defend. Do not try to make them feel wrong or bad.

Simply repeat and keep repeating.

There will likely come a moment when they finally hear you, and if you repeat those simple words every time, there is a good chance they will stop.

If you have any trouble doing the above, try this: Have a friend play the role of abuser, and you practice asking, Where did that come from? or use your chosen words.

The goal is to find a quiet but strong voice and be sure to have some fun with it. Or, instead, imagine your abuser and practice in front of a mirror.

Your first efforts out in the world might not work because your voice/manner is not strong enough. But you deserve to feel the power and joy of standing up for yourself, so if you stumble or cannot do it at all, go back to practicing (no matter how much you might not want to).

And know that every practice session and every attempt to speak up increases your inner strength (regardless of how you feel)—every time.

Every 8 days, have a post like this sent directly to your inbox (free of spam)

The Power to Change

[danielsperaw]

One Sure Way to REALLY Not Care What People Think (about you)

Fact: The need to survive is coded into our DNA.

Fact: We are social creatures, and social acceptance is a part of our survival.

Fact: You care what people think. Me too, which is why it feels like we have to push our best and cover the rest. And it is why so many of us dive into that vast ocean of cool clothing, shoes and accessories.

We just want to be liked, accepted or at least included and hate being questioned, judged or criticized (because these feel like we are being pushed away).

At one time, my need for acceptance was so strong that I would anxiously watch those around me, afraid I would say or do something wrong.

My stomach ached, even as I loudly proclaimed, “I don’t care what they think!”

Would it surprise you that some people are free of all this? They easily express who they are, no matter who they are with (parent, boss, preacher), and they do it in an easy, not rebellious, way.

They never feel defensive about what they think or how they look or act; in fact, they even remain comfortable under the direct judgment of others.

3 Steps to Freedom

1. Admit that you care what people think. Repeat it mentally and verbally until the reality shines through. Only then can we free ourselves.

The louder someone says they don't, the more they do care (what people think about them).

If you want to yell it from the rooftops and have it be true, start with these three questions:

1.) What clothes do you wear to help you fit into your world (those that say I am a student, office or construction worker, biker or soccer mom)?

2.) What products or accessories do you use to improve the basic you?

3.) What part(s) of your body do you disguise or hide (e.g., a crooked tooth, balding, wide hips)?

Now, gather your courage and go out into the world without a piece of identifying clothing, or without one product or without covering or hiding that part of your body.

Go out with less mask and more you

We only disguise, hide, or wear the right clothes to avoid those terrible feelings of being judged. If we did not have those feelings, we would go out with no mask at all; we would go out as ourselves and be ourselves.

What to do? Make ourselves stronger. Make ourselves so strong that we can be who we are no matter who we are with.

The fastest way to get there is slowly and by being kind and gentle with ourselves. This means leaving our masks behind a little at a time.

Some people hesitate even try this because they think they will be looked at strangely, ridiculed or even rejected; they feel anxious, embarrassed or outright scared.

Those who do it are often surprised to find that people are way too self-absorbed to notice even big changes, and if they do notice, they can only ask, Is there something different about you?

But Wait!

If you are in a hurry (and tend to push yourself), don't. Leaving too many items at home can bring up a tsunami of negative emotions and drown you right out of the rewards.

As you go along, it will probably seem like you are getting used to those negative feelings. And that's true, but you will also be handling them more easily because your inner strength is increasing.

And remember, Positive change always comes sooner with self-empathy and kindness (especially when the process takes longer than you thought it would or should).

And the reward for stepping out that door with such courage? Increased strength every time (even when it does not feel that way) and a step closer to that miraculous ability to be who you are, no matter who you are with.

NOTE - If it seems as if I am down on cool clothing, sparkling accessories and awesome products, I am not. I think those that make us feel special, feel cared for and feel good ought to be used in abundance while letting go of those we hope will bring us greater acceptance, admiration and love.

Every 8 days, a post like this sent directly to your inbox (free of spam):

The Power to Change

.