danniux1

[danniux1]

[danniux1]

Letters to Old Crushes

To the decent-looking boy in middle school * I’m sorry that all the girls in our grade teased you when we hung out. One day, during lunch, we were playing truth-or-dare. When my friends asked the inevitable question of who I liked, you just happened to be the first person I saw. I didn’t actually like you, but I acted like I did because I was scared of what others would think of me if they found out that I’d never felt anything special for a boy—or if they found out I didn’t find any of the One Direction members (or any other male celebrity) attractive.

-------- To my middle school best friend * I’m sorry that I kissed you in the third-floor bathroom. We were sitting on the floor laughing, and your face was so close to mine. It was quick and awkward the way that first kisses always are but, looking back, I don’t think I would have had it any other way. * I’m sorry for running away and then acting like it never happened. I didn’t really understand what the kiss and decided that ignoring it would make the question of my orientation go away. After that, I found out I was moving away. You were still my best friend and I didn’t want to unpack my sexuality during the last few days of school. I mean, who needs ‘introspection’ when you have ‘denial’? * I’m sorry for taking a year to realize that I was, in fact, queer. After moving and starting high school I had forgotten all about it. That is, until a character in a TV show said the line, “I only love good food and pretty women,” which prompted me to remember that I had put off my crush on you and my sexuality on hold for a whole year.

-------- To the cute girl in high-school calculus * I’m sorry the teacher moved us for the third time this semester. I accidentally let it slip to him that I thought you were really cute and my grades weren’t great. The teacher thought it’d be clever and funny to rearrange the seating so you would be in front of the board. That way, every time I glanced at you, I would also look at the board behind you. I’m still not sure if that’s what got my grades to improve that year. * I’m sorry I did so badly when they placed us together in class competitions. You were so cool and pretty, I got flustered and forgot how to do math.

-------- To my college friend’s housemate * I’m sorry I tried hitting on you when I went to visit my friend. It was his birthday party and I didn’t know when I would get to see you again. I was trying to get your number before I left; imagine my surprise when I found out that you were housemates. After that, I felt a little embarrassed but the more we talked and laughed, the more I wanted to go out with you. Besides, I figured me asking you on a date wouldn’t be the weirdest thing to happen in your apartment since two other housemates were dating each other. * I’m sorry our first date was a little quiet. I wasn’t expecting your housemates to come home early. Although to be fair, neither were you. That night we watched “Bend It Like Beckham” while we stole glances at each other. Later, we discussed the movie and how they should have “done the queers justice” by having the girl characters date. We then planned our next date. You were a busy person, and I was sad to hear that I wouldn’t be able to see you until the weekend. Still, it’s all that I looked forward to for the rest of the week. I even found myself laughing at one of your jokes in the middle of class! * I’m sorry our second date ended with us getting soaked. That day, we went out for coffee and played with the owner’s dog while we talked and got to know each other better. I learned your likes and dislikes, my friend’s bad housemate habits, and your favorite plays. After coffee, we decided to walk around the downtown area and check out the stores. We talked some more, pointed at stuff we saw through the window, played around with colorful clothing, and shared delicious food. It had gotten really late and we probably needed to head back home, when all of a sudden little drops of water began hitting our faces. It was slow at first, giving us just enough time to realize that we were ill-prepared for what was to come. Then it started pouring. I let out a small shriek, and you took my hand as we ran forward, looking for cover. We took refuge under an overhang and you looked up at the rain as we caught our breath. We stood close together trying to stay away from the rain and keep warm in our soaked clothes. As we waited and watched, you decided that our next date would be on a warm day at the beach—as a sort of revenge for getting rained on. And seeing you smile so brightly beside me, I felt as if I could want to give you the world. * I’m sorry we never went on a third date. We were both so busy that we had to reschedule each time. Then when we were both finally available, our plans got canceled due to covid safety regulations. I still wonder what would have happened if we had gone to the beach on that scheduled day, but now I doubt I was more to you than just a simple crush.

[danniux1]

[danniux1]

Memories From Home

I left my country when I was young,

Only 13 and all alone,

I always wondered if I hadn’t flown.

Would I have lost my mother tongue?

I’ve forgotten my friends, my family, the people I was raised among, 

My poor mother, she keeps saying, I rarely call her on the phone.

The loss of my culture and everything I had known,

My memories fading, what was that tune my grandma sung?

We try to fit in, but we’re accused of doing wrong;

When we’re treated coldly,

The world turns monochrome.

Yet, we carve out a place to belong.

Is it wrong to claim, oh, so boldly,

“This, too, is our home!”

[danniux1]

Depression RPG!

->Task: “Get Through The Day”

TW: Depression, Struggle with Mental Health

You wake up to the horrendously loud noise of your alarm. You quickly open your eyes in a panic, then slowly close your eyes again as dread begins to overwhelm you. It’s the first thing in the morning and you’re already out of HP. You feel exhausted, your head is cloudy, and your body feels as heavy as it would feel if you went swimming with a heavy winter coat. Your hand feels too heavy to lift so you just let the alarm keep playing. You try to ignore it but eventually, it becomes too annoying. You force yourself to move your hand just enough to turn it off. You then lie motionless, not falling asleep but not thinking about anything either. Staring at the ceiling is all you can really seem to do. You don’t know how much time has passed. Time tends to lose its meaning when you barely feel like a person.

After a while, you think, "I should get up,” but you continue to lie in bed, scolding yourself for being unable to carry out the action.  You try to force yourself to get up, trying to convince your body that it will somehow be better outside of your bed. 

“I have to get up. I have class. I have to eat. I have to pee.”  You can’t. You stayed there for so long that your body has morphed into the bed. “You ARE the bed now.” 

You smile in your head about the silliness of it all. Your ancestors survived wars, and diseases, and dangerous animals; yet here you were, convinced that your body had somehow become one with your bed. The thought is humorous enough to make you wanna laugh, though you don’t have the strength to do so physically. Then, you lie there motionless for a little longer, your mind blank again.

You don’t know when you fell asleep again, but it was now late afternoon, too late to go to class for the day. Your stomach growls and you’ve been holding in your pee since this morning. You muster enough energy to turn around and grab your phone. Your friend sent you a funny video. You don’t open it. You don’t reply. You scroll through social media. Nothing registers in your mind but you’re happy to be mindlessly doing something. You see pictures of your friends hanging out with each other and aesthetic photos of people you barely know. People always say what you see on social media isn’t real but—oh what you wouldn’t give to have the fake little perfect life that you imagined them to have, oh what you wouldn’t give to be happy like them. 

Your stomach growls again. It really hurts now, but whether it’s from not eating or from holding in your pee, you’re not entirely sure. You keep scrolling. Eventually, it becomes unbearable. You gather enough energy to get out of bed and go to the bathroom. You stare at yourself in the mirror. You look just as tired as you feel. Just getting out of bed is such a task. Your stomach growls again. Your head hurts from not eating. Your body is yelling now, desperate to have sustenance and for its basic needs to be met. 

You decide to crawl back into bed.

It’s now dark outside. You gather enough energy to get out of bed one more time. You go to the kitchen this time. You open the fridge and see the following: A few sad vegetables, leftover rice, tortillas, and a variety of hot sauces. You close the fridge and decide on a plain slice of bread. Even thinking about food drains your energy. You feel even more exhausted than you were before. “I wish it wasn’t this way,” you think to yourself as you crawl back into the customized dent in your bed and eat your bread.

It’s now time to go to bed. Unfortunately, the numbness that you’ve felt all day is gone. Now, all you can feel is guilt and anxiety. You start to think about how you wasted your day. And how you didn’t go to class. And how you didn’t shower. And how you didn’t eat. And how you didn’t talk to your friends. The list goes on and on. It is now dawn. You try to force yourself to fall asleep, but it’s hard to do so when your thoughts are racing.

“But you’re still here,”  You think. “You’re still alive and you can stay alive for just long enough to tackle another day.” 

To be honest, you’re not entirely sure if you’ll ever feel any better. It seems like an endless and taxing cycle. It’s all so miserable and you can’t help but dread having to do all those troublesome tasks (like eating and sleeping) just to stay alive. And yet, you task yourself with getting through the day. If you can just do that, you’ll probably be alright. 

Miraculously, sleep overtakes you. Your alarm wakes you up again. You once again feel heavy and exhausted. You let out a long sigh. Time to live another day.