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[defamiliarizati0n]

setting myself up for heartbreak

i see you writing words again and shivering at her touch all the while i'm thinking this won't end well it never does you know damn well how this goes beautiful girl with a beautiful mind she's got hands you want to hear and a laugh you want to hold is she turning your world upside down? hear me out, but i doubt you'll listen: you get your heart broken every time i wonder if it's the only thing you know maybe you're looking for heartbreak more than you're looking for love is there comfort in the uncertainty? in the spaces between your fingers and hers that won't seem to close? in the momentary loss of control when you're falling and there's nothing to hold onto but the hope you won't ever meet the ground? oh, but you do isn't life hard enough for a queer girl like you? maybe you're the only one breaking your heart maybe she wants you as much as you want her maybe maybe maybe who, then? who's got you thinking and overthinking if anyone at all?

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Strokes (2016) BenCab Museum, Baguio

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earth: tell me about the way the sky kissed the earth how the trees fell at heaven's feet tell me about the way we loved in this lifetime how i ended like the way everything began loud and violent, a universe in my wake sky: she was from a whole other planet, that girl i told her about the stars, of where i came from she told me about her dreams, how it got lost in the war she told me my lips tasted like peace so i gave her every quiet part of me my body has not known silence since she left

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Ethnicity Pt. II (2016) Banaue/Kiangan, Ifugao

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Ethnicity Pt. I (2016) Banaue, Ifugao

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In the Light (2016)  Dasol, Pangasinan

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in this world you are sharp teeth and rough edges but she holds you like the softest thing she's ever touched you wonder when the world turned you into stone in another world you would have turned soft for her too but in this world she holds you and that's good enough

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it’s weird seeing someone after a really long time knowing how much you’ve both changed then you hug and it feels warm and comfortable and like you belong right there in that space between their arms and you talk like you’re still the people you used to be but you’re not those people anymore and in the silence between your sentences you hear the way those conversations used to sound

it’s weird seeing someone after a really long time because it’s comfortable until it’s not

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i think about tasting the ghost of a cigarette on your lips wonder if it’ll haunt me the way the smoke lingers on your clothes a reminder that something you held between your fingers willingly burned itself into nothing i think about running my tongue through the bitterness between your teeth wonder if everything that gets to feel your mouth eventually falls apart in your hands

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i’m sorry i don’t know how to carry myself around you my hands are full of all the things i never learned how to let go like how i never memorized the back of my eyelids as a child because i stayed up too many nights listening to how my parents did not love each other i’m sorry i don’t know what i’m supposed to say i have spent so many years keeping my mouth shut so they would not hear me crying under the blanket like whispers about “staying together for the children” did not do a perfect job to hide it i’m sorry i keep my feelings bottled up and let it age like fine wine just to make sure i never taste another lie on my tongue i’m sorry i am afraid i’m going to love you too much i am afraid i’ll want you to break me i am afraid you’re going to leave anyway

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hearts are such wild things we kept them beneath our ribs and called it a cage

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the night is cold and the moonlight barely reaches your face the heat hovering between our fingers is enough to light the pipe between your lips i watch the smoke climb from your mouth to the ceiling quickly losing its form like it doesn’t care for coherence when it just filled your lungs and heard your rapid heartbeat real close i wonder if you can taste the desperation on the piece where my mouth has been if you can feel the air is thick with stolen glances if you can sense the universe is not around you but inside of you i see the stars in your knees in your hips in your collarbones in your teeth in your eyelashes the world is at your feet and so am i completely yours for the taking yet you have no idea

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i. there is a hole in my chest in the shape of your body no one else can fill the space in me quite like you do this is the kind of desperation i will sing only for you ii. there is a hole in my chest in the shape of your body and i fill it with poems that sound like the way i wish you looked at me i twist the words until i find the soft outline of your jaw at the end of a line i draw your hair into paper with every comma i write i rearrange the phrases until i find the only space between us are the spaces between these words iii. i keep writing about the hole in my chest in the shape of your body and it ends differently every single time like there will always be a you-shaped emptiness in every version of me in every universe

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She

She sits at the corner waiting for someone, waiting for something good to happen. She sits alone thinking quietly, wishing she could stay tranquil for eternity.

She wakes in the morning with hope in her eyes then recalls everything that happened last night. She could not forget the voices echoing in her head as she lay awake alone in bed. She cried herself to sleep that night, just like any other night in her life. The falling tears she tried to fight as she was struck with grief and strife.

So as she prepared to go to school, to avoid being an ignorant fool, she painted on a smiling face and a sign of sadness you couldn’t trace. Outside, she laughs and she’s loud. Inside, she’s slowly breaking down. To the Lord, she hopes and she prays that no one else will have to feel her pain.

She goes back home and experience all these. Will this excruciating cycle ever cease? As she looks at the mirror with her bloodshot eyes, a tear falls down and slowly dries. She went to bed and there she lay waiting for the dawn of a new day.

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you, on the other side of the room your laugh travels all the way to where i sit and it pounds on my chest like a lover knocking on the door begging to come home there is a certain kind of beauty found only in the way the light passing through the window falls on your face and the way your slightly messy hair grazes your cheek it drives me insane how you, at the corner your voice bounces off the walls and washes over me you are a warm bed and a cup of tea you are the golden hour before the sun sets you are sharp words and a soft mouth you are calloused fingers and a gentle smile there is a certain kind of comfort found only in the way you hold yourself the way i want to be held

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i imagine you are what home feels like and you haven’t even held me yet i think it’s the curve of your smile i think it’s the curl of your hair or the way i can’t look you in the eye without wanting to kiss you i’ll keep biting my tongue to stop the words from spilling out and i’ll keep pressing my lips until i no longer feel my heart in my mouth threatening to expose every feeling in my veins i am terrified you will bleed me dry until i am all skin my nerves don’t even know you yet

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you turn paper into places my feelings come to die and i keep writing graveyards for people marking all the love i bury alive here lies the space in her shoulder here lies the shape of his smile here lies the color of her hair here lies the sunlight bouncing off her skin here lies the time he walked with me here lies my chest so full and so empty all at once here lies every part of you i want to love here lies every part of you i cannot touch here the constellations in which i carve in your name here you are not here you will merely pass by this cemetery i live in here is my heart there is still much room here