definitelynothoidinafakemustache

[definitelynothoidinafakemustache]

In college I majored in transmutation, it was pretty great. Turning lead into gold bought me so many wizard beers. But one time this guy in my class was being really creepy to some girls me so I turned his dick into a snake and it kept biting him until he could turn it back.

[definitelynothoidinafakemustache]

So I was flying to work the other day and some asshole cuts me off in traffic. I flip him off and he pulls his broom over, so obviously I do too. He walks over and challenges me to a duel, thinks he’s hot shit, real “dark wizard vibes” type of guy. I accept because I’m nobody’s bitch, he whips out his wand and starts an incantation, anyway I pulled a Glock out of my robes and shot him.

[definitelynothoidinafakemustache]

I was at work the other day and Darryl’s wireless wand kept connecting to my scrying glass. I kept asking him to change the settings, but he said he couldn’t figure it out. After an hour I just fucking hexed the dude, good luck getting any work done when all your magic mirror can do is find Lusty Wenches Nearby. Fuck you Darryl.

[definitelynothoidinafakemustache]

For my foreign language credit in school I took infernal. Yeah… I see why it’s a dead language. I was practicing with a buddy and conjugated a verb wrong and then he got dragged to hell by the souls of the damned. I tried to do it to the professor, but he just corrected me on my grammar and kept going. I think he might not have a soul, he’s a ginger. Oh yeah, during the final exam one guy legit summoned a dark beast from the underhell. Professor gave him a D-. I hated that class man.

[definitelynothoidinafakemustache]

I remember one time in our chemistry class we had a substitute teacher, some alchemist from a few realms over. The only thing he taught us was how to brew some weird potion. It tasted like shit but I’m pretty sure I kept seeing God out of the corner of my eye for a few days. Craziest part was that afterwards the school made an announcement that they never brought in a sub for chemistry and they’re searching for the guy. Apparently he was cooking like, wizard meth.

[definitelynothoidinafakemustache]

Yeah back at my highschool the metalworking teacher was a dwarf. Best fucking class I’ve ever taken. One time Mr. Stonebeard brought in a fucking dragon. We all thought it was cool as shit, he said something about needing dragon fire to melt adamantine ore, idk man, I was busy watching the dragon. One of the kids poked it with a stick and got eaten so we went home early and I’m pretty sure Mr. Stonebeard got fired.

[definitelynothoidinafakemustache]

“All art is autobiographical, the pearl is the oyster's autobiography.” — Federico Fellini

[definitelynothoidinafakemustache]

This is the worst timeline. (x)

[definitelynothoidinafakemustache]

i do all my best writing at night. i feel so free between the hours of 10pm-4am… pls tell me yall feel like this too…

[definitelynothoidinafakemustache]

writing tip #319:

go a step further and break the fifth wall

[definitelynothoidinafakemustache]

one of my worst writing sins is abusing my power to create compound words. i cannot write the sentence "The sun shone as bright as honey that afternoon." no. that's boring. "The sun was honey-bright that afternoon" however? yes. that sentence is dope as fuck. i do not care if "honey-bright" is a word in the english dictionary. i do not care if the sentence is grammatically correct. i will not change. i will not correct my erred ways. the laws of the english language are mine.

[definitelynothoidinafakemustache]

3 components of worldbuilding:

1. The author’s kinks

2. The author’s power fantasy

3. The author’s political agenda

Plot and logic optional

[definitelynothoidinafakemustache]

does anyone wanna hold hands until we feel a little braver

[definitelynothoidinafakemustache]

Small fantasy worldbuilding elements you might want to think about:

A currency that isn’t gold-standard/having gold be as valuable as tin

A currency that runs entirely on a perishable resource, like cocoa beans

A clock that isn’t 24-hours

More or less than four seasons/seasons other than the ones we know

Fantastical weather patterns like irregular cloud formations, iridescent rain

Multiple moons/no moon

Planetary rings

A northern lights effect, but near the equator

Roads that aren’t brown or grey/black, like San Juan’s blue bricks

Jewelry beyond precious gems and metals

Marriage signifiers other than wedding bands

The husband taking the wife's name / newlyweds inventing a new surname upon marriage

No concept of virginity or bastardry

More than 2 genders/no concept of gender

Monotheism, but not creationism

Gods that don’t look like people

Domesticated pets that aren’t re-skinned dogs and cats

Some normalized supernatural element that has nothing to do with the plot

Magical communication that isn’t Fantasy Zoom

“Books” that aren’t bound or scrolls

A nonverbal means of communicating, like sign language

A race of people who are obligate carnivores/ vegetarians/ vegans/ pescatarians (not religious, biological imperative)

I’ve done about half of these myself in one WIP or another and a little detail here or there goes a long way in reminding the audience that this isn’t Kansas anymore.

[definitelynothoidinafakemustache]

Reason 2 to finish your manuscript:

Because you want to read it.

[definitelynothoidinafakemustache]

*writes two paragraphs after months of literally nothing and it took three hours*

[definitelynothoidinafakemustache]

"That wouldn't be fatal!" It would. "They couldn't survive that!" They could.

If my time as an EMT and Hostile First Aid instructor taught me anything it is that the body is both impossibly resilient and impossibly fragile, and almost any traumatic injury you can think of could either be fine or fatal depending on the whims of the universe.

So use that crap as liberally as you want to serve whatever narrative you're writing.