diary-of-a-transgender-boy

[diary-of-a-transgender-boy]

I havent posted in a super long time, but an important update: i got a floor length light brown skirt, and i love it!!!

I want to wear a skirt. I desperately want to wear a cute outfit and a skirt, but I can’t. Because I’ll be seen as a girl. All I want is to be a feminine boy. I just want to be a boy in a skirt.

[diary-of-a-transgender-boy]

I’m not exaggerating when I say this post changed my life. Seeing this as a terrified self hating 17 year old was like finding a fresh water lake in the middle of the Sahara.

[diary-of-a-transgender-boy]

I am a boy. What I do or do not wear changes absolutely nothing, because I am a boy. Whether or not I have boobs and a vagina changes nothing, because I’m a boy. Nobody can take that from me.

[diary-of-a-transgender-boy]

Happy Getting-Misgendered-And-Deadnamed day, to all those who celebrate!

[diary-of-a-transgender-boy]

Dear diary/j

I would love to say that I want a binder. But I think I actually need a binder. I don’t know how long I can continue to not kill myself in this fucking body. I know that makes me sound selfish, because so many people have it worse, but I cannot handle this. I just fucking can’t. I’m trying so hard, I swear. I just can’t. I don’t want to be alive in this body. Everything is wrong. I’m wrong. I can’t fucking do this.

[diary-of-a-transgender-boy]

I got some new clothes today. It’d look so good if I were a cis boy. It looks good on me right now too. I look so pretty. Not the way I want to. I want to be pretty the way a boy is pretty, in his dresses and skirts, and makeup. I dont want to be pretty the way a girl is, the way I feel like peeling off my skin, and putting a gun to my temple. I should be pretty like a boy, but I’m not. And it’s breaking my heart.

[diary-of-a-transgender-boy]

I want to wear a skirt. I desperately want to wear a cute outfit and a skirt, but I can’t. Because I’ll be seen as a girl. All I want is to be a feminine boy. I just want to be a boy in a skirt.

[diary-of-a-transgender-boy]

“I would rip one of my ribs free if it meant I was more Adam than Eve.”

- to be trans, 𝔍𝔲𝔡𝔞𝔰

[diary-of-a-transgender-boy]

Anyone else feel like they relate every problem, even the tiniest ones, to being trans?

I started playing bass guitar about a week ago and I'm already playing for hours at a time usually because it's so much fun and even though it's very cold outside at the moment I still sweat sooo much because I'm moving around a lot and everything

And all the time I'm sitting here like "man if I could be shirtless that would make it so much easier because I wouldn't die of heat every time I play but UNFORTUNATELY I can't"

Like idk maybe I've also been getting more aware of my dysphoria or something

[diary-of-a-transgender-boy]

It bother me so much some days, but other days, I would rather walk around not wearing a shirt, because yes, boobs, but also, masculinity. Yk?

Most days its both bothering me tho lol

this might not be relatable at all but like. is there any other trans masc who isnt *nearly* as dysphoric without clothes as they are with?

cus like. if i look at myself shirtless its kinda like. yeah obviously i wish i had a flat chest but its like oh well i can deal with this for now.

but when im wearing clothes and you can see my chest with them on???? even if im wearing a binder?? i feel like ripping my hair off and do diy top surgery with the nearest sharp object i can find

[diary-of-a-transgender-boy]

I’m wondering if I should start all these posts with “Dear Diary,” like some fucking shitty 2000s movie’s main character. I think it’d be funny.

I’m having a shit day with dysphoria, and I’m so overwhelmed I can hardly think. I also don’t feel real, so that’s fun 🫤

You’d think not feeling real would help with the dysphoria, but it doesn’t, I think it’s making it worse, actually.

It’s like somehow even this fucked up existence, that isn’t even real, I’m somehow still wrong. My body is wrong, or my mind is wrong. Like some kind of dissidence made by a cosmic joke.

The world feels like it’s behind a plane of glass. Like I’m watching it from the outside. Like reality doesn’t exist. Everything around me, and even me myself, is both made up, and incorrect.

I think my dog can tell I’m having a bad day. She doesn’t normally act like how she’s acting but she’s done it a few times when I’m having a hard day. I love her so much. If anything’s realm she is.

[diary-of-a-transgender-boy]

I guess we’re starting this account off with a bang, and immediately discussing periods. I don’t think anyone should be ashamed of periods, because they’re normal, but society is fucked, so I’m embarrassed while making this post.

I got my period today. It didn’t come as a shock at all, but I’m still upset by it. I don’t normally have a ton of dysphoria surrounding my period. Sure, I normally have worse dysphoria near my period, but usually the period itself doesn’t cause it. A lot of things that didn’t give me dysphoria before have been giving me dysphoria recently though.

A period is “A sign of becoming a woman.” And every fucking period product has some kind of quote about being a strong woman. Everything about periods is feminized, albeit for obvious reasons, but I still hate it.

My skin doesn’t fit quite right today. My dysphoria presents itself in a lot of ways, and I can’t properly explain any of them. Today my skin doesn’t fit right, and I want to rip it off.

Sometimes I think I’m overreacting when my period gives me dysphoria, (it might not happen a lot, but it has happened) but then I put it into perspective. There’s a bunch of videos of cis guys using machines to feel period cramps, and their reactions compared to someone who has periods’ reaction is surprisingly dramatic. And I think about it I were a cis guy, and got put into a girls body, rather than being born this way, how much stress I’d be in regularly, not even counting periods. And I think of how a vis guy would react to a period. I think I’m handling this well. I think I’m doing better than a via guy would.

I’m also having horrible bottom dysphoria (I know, shocking), and it’s weird, because it’s not like I want a penis, it’s like it’s physically been removed from me, and it’s been replaced by something wrong. Earlier today I forgot I didn’t have a penis, and said it hurt, because I forgot I was having pre-(at the time)-period cramps. It’s like a piece of me is physically missing.

My body it wrong today. It’s wrong every day, but it’s bothering me a lot today. I don’t like it :(

[diary-of-a-transgender-boy]

Hi! I’m not going to put my full chosen name here yet, but I might at some point. You can call me Z though. I’m gay and trans, I’m fourteen, and I use he/him pronouns :)

This account is going to be mainly a diary, and things of my personal experiences, but it might also have other things.

Feel free to send any asks:)

This is a secondary account, so I won’t follow anyone or like posts, because I can’t.

I’m making this because even on my main blogs, I don’t have a space where I can just make things like this. I’m me on my blogs, but it’s fabricated. Not entirely, or even mostly, but I keep some details to myself, or prevent myself from posting things I want to, because I already have an “Image.” My image here is gonna be me. This is a diary, after all.

My goal is to have a space for me, but also to make a space for other people like me; queer teens that don’t have a space.