dieselaryangodling-blog

[dieselaryangodling-blog]

A Quiet Day!

One day I was driving home from work when I turned on the radio! The generic classic rock radio station was playing the radio edit version of Bohemian Rhapsody by Queen, and I quickly turned the radio up from 20% of max to 30%! "I like this song!" I softly muttered to myself as I decelerated, activated the turn signal, and took the off-ramp!

Several minutes later, I pulled into my driveway and safely cruised to a stop! Exiting my car, I declined to activate my car alarm, due to the fact that I felt safe in the neighborhood and knew no harm would come to my property! Entering my domicile, I turned on the lights! "Alexa, turn on MSNBC, please!" Rachel Maddow's bleating about the Russkis filled the house, and I sighed, for my heterosexual life partner was away on vacation with his other partner, a human female whose presence he tolerated in limited doses due to her ability to alleviate certain needs! As a consequence, the house was empty!

After preparing a medium rare steap with some roasted potatoes on the side, I calmly ate my dinner and let the Trump hate wash over me! "Somethong's gotta be done!" I thought to myself, making a mental note to vote against him in 2020! After finishing my meal, I proceeded to wash the dishes, including the greasy pan, which I had left soaking in soapy water! Following the pouring of one goblet of red wine, I ascended the stairs to the master bedroom, but paused halfway up! "Alexa, turn off the TV, please!" Satisfied that all was well in the house, I completed my ascent!

Reaching the room, I proceeded to strip completely naked, revealing the dozens of swastikas, pentagrams, white supremacist slogans, and images of women being murdered that were tattooed on every inch of my muscular frame except for those few areas visible on a man wearing a longsleeve business suit! I then walked up to the window and picked up my home phone and dialed the number of the new family across the street! They were up-and-coming African-Americans, a doctor and a lawyer, who had broken free of the cycle of poverty which continues to entrap most of their kind in dystopian ghettoes!

"Hello?" asked one of their children, a young boy who was recently admitted to a prestigious private school! "Hey, little Billy!" I exclaimed! "You're fucking dead, nigger! I hate you and am going to stab you to death!" The boy screamed, and the father picked up the phone! "Who is this?!" he shouted in a weak way! "I'll tell you who this is!" I responded! "I am a member of the Ku Klux Klan, I have not taken my antipsychotics in weeks, I own a gun, and I am driving to your house right now to kill you and your family! Fuck you, nigger!" I then hung up the phone and watched for several minutes as the family raced to their Lexus, piled in, and sped back to the concrete jungle they belonged in! Then I put on my jimjams, laid in bed, and slept the sleep of the innocent! The End!

[dieselaryangodling-blog]

Community Outreach!

One day Donald Drumpfler decided to resign so that he could cash in on the $200k-a-speech global lecture tour early and beat Obama once again! The Republican party wished him godspeed, then immediately nominated me to replace him because I was the hottest guy in the party, and also because I was the only one at the convention who knew where the nuclear bomb was hidden! The DemonCraps, as I insisted on calling them every time, dug up Hitlery Cunton, as I insisted on calling her every time, and pitted us against each other!

Because of my numerous white supremacist tattoos, my unwavering devotion to nudism, and the fact that I was on the FBI’s most wanted list under three different aliases, it was decided that I had to tour the country and try to create the impression that the lives of baseline humans mattered at all to me! My first stop was at a revolting homeless shelter, where my brown-shirted praetorian guards used their brass knuckles and weighted gloves to keep my disgusting adoring fans at bay, but one of these creatures somehow managed to lurch through and briefly make hand to hand contact with me, using a technique commonly referred to as a “hand-shake”! “Hey, mah name Bragobama, ah wuz prezidant too once!”

I reared back as if touching a hot stove, then shreiked “how dare you touch me, you savage black beast!” My backhand shattered his jaw and sent him sprawling! The crowd collectively gasped, then went silent as I began trembling! “The very thought of you negroes making physical contact with me and spreading your black germs all over me makes me want to puke all over myself!” I shoved aside the aide who was trying desperately to save my career by throwing a jacket over my face to muffle my insane ranting and hide the tears and snot streaming from my orifices! “There was once a time when I could could have you killed for daring such a maneuver, and if I am blessed enough by America to become president, those times will come roaring right back! I am motivated solely by racial hatred, and will stop at nothing to turn America into the most brutal dictatorship of all time!” My guards finally managed to pin me down, hogtie me, and drag me out to my limousine, but not before I managed to let out one last “Fuck you, niggerrrrrr!”

The very next day, an early vote was held, and I was elected the very next president of the United States of America! The end!

[dieselaryangodling-blog]

Taking a Trip to Syria!

One day I read about how the guys in ISIS get to rape people all day! "Sounds like the job for me!" I exclaimed! I threw down my wymyn's studies lecture notes, abandoned the podium and my tenured professorship, and caught a flight to Syria the very next day! When I went to volunteer to join the terrorist organization, it turned out that all I had to do was convert to regular Islam!

So one day after many hard months of beheading desperate freelance journalists I leaned back in a tent with my battle comrades! "You know, skiing season is going to start soon in America!" I exclaimed to Abdul and Mohammed! "Well, my good chap, you should go surrender! When Hillary gets elected she'll pardon all terrorists!" This was wise advice, and I planned to surrender that very night, but first we decided to huddle around and watch the Playboy channel!

Suddenly, the broadcast was interrupted with the election results, and they were shocking indeed! "Donald Trump is now the president of the United States!" stated a shocked and bewildered newsreader! As video footage of Trump leaning back and slamming his muddy gold golf cleats on Obama's papers and framed photos of his family, we heard a buzzing sound outside! Zipping up our pants, we tucked ourselves back in and exited the tent only to be confronted with hundreds of drones, tanks, and newly empowered and invigorated US special ops soldiers, who now had the courage to stand up to Radical Islamic Terror whereas before they frequently were the first to flee a battle!

I pulled at my long blond hair! "Oh my Allah! Now that there's a REAL man in the White House who has the guts to do what needs to be done, we don't stand a chance!" I grabbed a tattered American flag from the kindling pile, then wrapped it around myself and ran towards the soldiers! "Help, I'm a kidnapped American! Those guys have been torturing me for years!" I turned back to look into their shocked faces! "Goodbye," I whispered a mere second before my new protectors trained their weapons on them and opened fire! The end!

[dieselaryangodling-blog]

Going on a Trip!

One day on the anniversary of 9/11 I was manspreading in a coach class aisle seat when all of a sudden, a stewardess came up to me! “Excuse me sir, you need to remove the padlocks from the restrooms so that others can use them!” I casually turned to the woman and tried to explain to her that she needed to get the fuck out of my face before I totally lost my shit, because she was standing between me and the beforementioned restroom, but it was already far too late!

Reaching inside my vast mental warehouse of information, I accessed File:English_Language.exe and incorrectly executed the program, uttering instead “Bomb! Oh my god, there is a huge bomb on this plane and it’s about to explode! All of the sheeple began running around and bleating when they heard my announcement, which really got on my nerves! Fortunately, we were almost at my stop anyway: the middle of the Atlantic Ocean, wherein resides Atlantis! I stormed to the front of the plane, rudely shoved the pilot out of the way, and aimed the plane straight down! At the last moment I remembered that Atlantis wasn’t real and activated my emergency teleporter! The end!

[dieselaryangodling-blog]

Just Doin’ My Job!

One day a withered old bum slowly shuffled through the grimy dollar store, looking at the single serving cereal packages, substandard pens, and cans of strange, inedible meats! Slowly, ever so slowly, he made it to the candy aisle and, after extending a hand gnarled by endless decades of hard living, he grasped a bar of Chocko-Nut, long covered by a layer of dust because of its horrible taste!

As the hand began to draw the bar towards the pocket of the bum's threadbare and tattered hoodie, a nine foot tall giant wearing a skintight security guard uniform performed a breathtakingly perfect run up the aisle and performed a vicious tackle that would have made any NFL player jealous! As both men were on the ground, the guard threw punch after punch, pummeling the bum into bloody unconsciousness!

I then stood up, for I was that guard, and shouted "Thus always for shoplifters!" at his unconscious body! The crowd which had gathered around me began to clap approvingly, which turned into whistles and roars of approval as loud as any European soccer hooligan club! The manager managed to force his way through the crowd! "Chet, the CEO saw you beat up that homeless man on the security camera and he was so impressed that he's resigning and giving you his job!" I turned to him, still gathering the fistfuls of money that people were giving me! "That's great! My first act as CEO is to fire all employees!" The end!

[dieselaryangodling-blog]

Maintaining Good Workplace Relations!

One day I decided to sell my thousands of Bitcoins I bought for ten dollars four years ago, netting me tens of millions of dollars and destroying the life savings of thousands of idiotic currency speculators! I immediately followed through on my dream, which was to establish a surveillance company to keep other workplaces productive and free of time theft, wastrelry, and lollygagging! Using complicated PR moves and headhunting techniques, I managed to get the contracts of dozens of highly qualified security professionals who had worked for heads of state and captains of industry! I immediately put them all to work monitoring ceiling cameras in anonymous corporate environments and writing detailed reports of all their subjects’ activities!

One day one of my employees noticed that everyone in the grainy camera footage looked awfully familiar! With a sudden shock, he realized that he was watching another employee at the same company! As the day went on, everyone realized that they were watching each other and writing detailed reports about it, which they sent to each other in a circular chain of command, but no one wanted to rock the boat because the health benefits were slightly better than Obamacare!

Suddenly, a small group of contractors were meeting during one of their unpaid coffee breaks in the break room! Leaning forward conspiriatorially, one of them said “I think it’s time, guys. We need to form a.” The air in front of his mouth blurred, negating both sound and sight of whatever word he was mouthing! Using the power of context, they understood that he was trying to use the U-word! Suddenly, they remembered signing a Workplace Speech Harmonization Agreement which said that the atmosphere inside the building was saturated with nanites which screened out words that offended me and threatened the unfair distribution of power which I had so carefully set up!

Later, on the u-word-sayer’s birthday, he was personally handed a birthday card by me! Opening it, he discovered a pink slip! The end!

[dieselaryangodling-blog]

Discovering My Sexuality!

One day I was having a great shower at the Squirting Rooster, my most favorite bathhouse on Fire Island! “Hey Chet!” cried another regular as he walked to me and gave me a big hug and peck on the cheek! “I had a great time at the party yesterday!” Then he looked down and exclaimed “How is it that you stay so hard all the time?!” He gave my cock a few appreciative pumps to emphasize his point! “It’s because I’m thinking about hot babes all the time!” He laughed, knowing that a hottt guy like me doesn’t need to think about them - if I chose to snap my fingers, they would appear! I, however, choose not to, for I must keep my body pure at all times, and because their hollow minds bore a genius such as myself!

After cleansing my bod I decided to go try out the new massage room! I had been told that great things happen in there, but when I opened the door I beheld a horror which I struggle even now to describe! One man was doing something unnatural to the body of another man! Strange, unidentifiable feelings exploded through my mind, and I screamed “What the heck are you thinking! You’re only supposed to do that to ladies!” I ran forward and physically separated them, but it was too late, for as both men rolled onto their backs they began spurting out copious amounts of baby goo all over themselves and me!

Both men explained to me that there was such a thing as homosexuality, which is where men decide that they want to have feelings for each other that they are supposed to have for women! I had never before considered such a possibility, for I am what they called “straight”! The thought of it made me dizzy and nauseous, and I got up to run to a toilet, but then turned back! “Promise me... Promise me that you’ll stop having these feelings, and go back to your wives!” The men exchanged glances, then turned back to me and promised me that they would be normal from now on! My nausea began to abate, and I decided to just put my speedos on and go to the Celine Dion concert! The end!

[dieselaryangodling-blog]

Discovering the Truth

One day I was watching videos of high school wrestling while carefully angling the phone so that no one else could see the screen, when all of a sudden an aide burst into the room! I rapidly shut the screen off and took my muddy golf cleat-clad feet off the priceless antique desk as he said “Mr. President, we’ve defeated ISIS and totally destroyed Islam worldwide! All Muslims have converted to Fundamentalist Christianity, burned their Korans and mosques, and are using skin whitening cream to make up for their dermal defects! That is the last vestige of Islam!” He pointed at Obama’s heavily thumbed and personally annotated copy of the Koran, which had been left behind when he fled the White House in shame!

“Welp, guess I won’t be getting much money for this on ebay anymore!” I exclaimed, picking it up and hurling it into the roaring fireplace! The book was totally incinerated except for a single page, which floated out on the hot air and landed at my feet! Picking it up, I looked at the squiggly lines that Arabs use instead of real writing! Suddenly, my life was forever transformed, for the sublimity of whatever that shit was instantly converted me to Extremist Islam! My dashiki and salmon-colored cargo shorts transformed into a turban and dishdash in a flash of light! “Jihad!” I bellowed, having totally forgotten English, then grabbed the Football and pressed the button to fire all the nukes at America and Israel! I turned towards the incoming missiles and spread my arms, eagerly awaiting my ascendance to Paradise! The end!

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Enjoying a Nice Afternoon!

One day at 4 in the afternoon on a Saturday a middle class dad in his early forties was cruising in the 'burbs in his Harley-Davidson and feeling pretty cool when he saw the light turn red and safely cruised to a stop! Pedestrians cast him an appreciative glance! They, too, thought he was cool! Suddenly, a 1987 LeBaron station wagon with bullet holes on the door and windsheild and the convertible hood ripped off screeched to a halt next to him! The muffler, specially modified to make the car even louder, warred with the huge speaker in the passenger seat blasting C+c Music Factory's greatest hits for control of the local soundscape - and the war was nuclear! The driver, a muscular giant wearing no clothes and apparently carrying an two foot high mushroom in his lap, slowly turned to face him! His forehead featured an enormous swastika and the words "FUCK YOU!" as a tattoo! A gigantic musceled arm lifted, then slowly pointed at the words! He now knew what this Being, which was me, thought of him! After lifting a cigar-sized blunt to my lips and lighting up, the car then took off and screeched through the red light, causing another car to veer off and wrap itself around a tree, and vanished off in the horizon! That night, he put his motorcycle up for sale on Craigslist! The end!