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[digestdigress]

Holiday feast pizza, Double R Pizza, Clearwater BC, 9/10. At first glance of the menu this looks like it should be avoided like the rantings of an anti-vaxxer, bleating on about QAnon revealing the earth is flat and aliens building the pyramid within a simulation. But instead of just shipping them off to the gas chamber and claiming the collapse of society, it turns out that the Thanksgiving pizza is on to something. Not something like the person who first discovered that a sock filled with vaseline made an ample substitute lover, more like a pilgrim who's massacred his way across half a continent and realises he doesn't need any loved ones to still enjoy a 12" reason to be thankful. #holidayfeastpizza #thanksgiving #pizza #doublerpizza #clearwater #food #foodporn #digestdigress (at Double "R" Pizza & Subs) https://www.instagram.com/p/CIE2UPFjjlw/?igshid=up4t5a5a6rt1

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Pumpkin pie, High Five Diner, Little Fort BC, 10/10. Fork for scale. A monstrosity comparable in offense to US politics: no matter which way you turn your vision is part obscured by the overbearing obscenity of it. Petulantly screaming “look at me!”, it all but started grabbing pussies and conjuring up insults for the other food choices on the menu. Its whipped cream wig, brazenly convinced of its own self-importance, is so wildly detached from reality it’s convinced me that consuming the entire thing in one sitting will cure covid, whilst at the same time (through a campaign of disinformation) has, on account of the potential for lactose-induced disruption in the south, told everyone else to “stand back and stand by”. #pumpkinpie #whippedcream #highfivediner #food #foodporn #digestdigress (at High-Five Diner) https://www.instagram.com/p/CHJnv69jiiQ/?igshid=1wgccmlkvfvqm

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The Works Burger, Burger Heaven, Vancouver, 8/10. As with so may of life's choices, this looks like something I'll regret.....but do anyway. Everything about this plate screams bad idea, but nothing more so than the bacon carefully arranged in an X, suggesting it might as well be the helicopter landing pad at Epstein Island given the violating my insides are about to take. Escaping without the Clintons, the Windsors, or any other 1%'er who recaptured their youth with a captured youth on Fuck Island, suiciding me, I'll be too heavy to make a swim for it and instead be destined to live out my remaining days talking to an imaginary volleyball companion and growing in some savage man hair. Not entirely dissimilar to covid quarantine. #burgerheaven #burger #burgerandfries #baconcheeseburger #yvrfood #yvreats #yvrfoodie #vancouverfoodie #food #foodporn #digestdigress (at Burger Heaven) https://www.instagram.com/p/CGH-jgDjTWB/?igshid=1sag51wabr7qb

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Charlie bowl, Jam Cafe, Vancouver, 9/10 It took a global pandemic to reduce the Jam Cafe queue to under half an hour, and gifted the returned time, I've written my first pangolin letter of thanks. With even more colour homogeneity than any meal I ate in the 80's, and more mashed together into an incoherent mess than a Joe Biden speech, Charlie Bowl doesn't give a fuck. Strolling through the restaurant without a mask on, the wrong way against the floor distancing arrows, he sits down at the table and immediately undoes his top trouser button. Only Ellen cares less about other people's opinion, but fittingly they both lie back and shout "eat it, bitch!" #jamcafe #charliebowl #poachedeggs #brunch #vancouverfood #vancouverfoodie #eatcouver #food #foodporn #digestdigress (at Jam Cafe Vancouver) https://www.instagram.com/p/CD6Nim6jpk7/?igshid=1udmz8lra3ot1

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Prime rib with Yorkshire pudding, Notch8, Vancouver BC, 8/10. Less a cut of beef than an amputation, this was so rare it looked like it just fell off a patient and rolled out an ambulance. Like a guy swaggering around taps aff downtown at 9am in the morning, the chef doesn't give a fuck how you want your meat, nor whether taking meat this raw results in pregnancy. It was really only the Yorkshire pudding that deterred the police from erecting crime scene tape and opening a murder investigation. #primerib #yorkshirepudding #notch8 #yvrfood #vancouverfood #food #foodporn #digestdigress (at Notch8) https://www.instagram.com/p/CCycleBj6hi/?igshid=12zv3k0tgejdv

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Beef noodle soup, Lambo Noodle Bar, Calgary, 8/10. Oh, hi. Didn't expect to see you again actually...... "How have you been?" Well, you know, it's been a time.........So, there's been a lot of time to think and, well, I didn't appreciate you enough when I had the chance. A meal I didn't make myself, served by someone else, shared with someone special, risk of serious illness substantially lower. Did I really give you the energy I should have? Did I properly open myself up to the opportunity? "Hey look, it's nice to see you but I have other customers now so I should go." Oh, of course, other customers, right. See you around then I guess. Well that went about as badly as I imagined...... #beefnoodlesoup #noodles #yycfood #food #foodporn #digestdigress （在 Lambo Noodle Bar） https://www.instagram.com/p/CBdWmyQDkuC/?igshid=100a7rar25kh4

[digestdigress]

Happy National Bubble Tea Day to you! Never forget that sugar and caffeine will always be there for you, through highs and lows. Unless of course you're diabetic, that probably wouldn't be a good idea. Maybe if you have heart issues too, should probably skip the caffeine I suppose. Come to think of it if you have a lactose problem bubble tea might not see you right either.... Well, let's not let common sense get in the way of a good time, cheers! Just try not to end the day in a jittery, hyperglycemic, painful chest, shitty pants mess. #bubbletea #nationalbubbleteaday #food #foodporn #digestdigress https://www.instagram.com/p/B_nfm0Jj2zm/?igshid=1m9srcsjffmxv

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Jamaican jerk chicken, Orlando Airport, 4/10. While I'm distracted wondering how Americans manage to squeeze over 1,000 calories into chicken and rice, a luggage boy is busy tearing through my bag for what appears to be nothing other than the pure joy of opening everything inside and tipping it out into the main compartment, before repacking with both eyes closed and a refusal to use opposable thumbs. Nevermind sensible gun laws, accessible affordable medical care for all, a functioning school system or a political system that doesn't actively transfer wealth from those that need it most to those that need it least, best to enhance the lives of Americans by having the TSA use my suitcase as a snow globe. #jamaicanjerkchicken #orlandoairport #food #foodporn #digestdigress (at Orlando International Airport/ATC Operations Base - FAAor) https://www.instagram.com/p/B7ljLuKDXXl/?igshid=afc4fufnbg2m

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Chocolate brownie freak shake, Regrub, Calgary, 8/10. Might as well be named the Conservative election manifesto as, even though it might look appealing from certain ill-informed angles to some sado-masichists, ultimately it'll fuck you dry leaving you worse off than before, long term it's blatantly detrimental to your health and wellbeing, is guaranteed to make a giant brown mess that someone else is going to have to clean up, and sooner or later you'll realise you were a prick for opting for this. At least it isn't declaring terminally ill people fit to work or covering up the raping of kids. #regrub #milkshake #freakshake #brownie #yycfood #calgaryfood #food #foodporn #digestdigress (at REGRUB) https://www.instagram.com/p/B55O2kJDSLL/?igshid=1johh60bor9no

[digestdigress]

Baby squid and black rice, La Mar, Buenos Aires, 7/10. Baby squid, do do do do do do, baby squid, do do do do do do, baby squid. Where are you? Do do do do do do, can't see you, do do do do do do, you're too small. Premature birth? Do do do do do do. Dwarfism? Do do do do do do. Stunted growth? Mitochondria, do do do do do do. Tory compassion, do do do do do do do. Epstein suicide evidence. Snatched before your time, do do do do do do, so much to live for, do do do do do do, life unfulfilled. I'm not full, do do do do do do, send your dad, do do do do do do, or the menu. #babysquid #blackrice #seafood #argentinafood #buenosairesfood #food #foodporn #digestdigress (at La Mar Cebicheria Buenos Aires) https://www.instagram.com/p/B5aHWXxDj86/?igshid=d1nxdv4v61rq

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Buns with condensed milk, Dinesty Dumpling House, Richmond, 6/10. These may look like sweet cream chimney choads, or that Pillsbury Man just coiled out a few doughy logs in the back of house, or the only way to remove a set of overly tight nipple tassels was to tie them with string to a door and slam it shut like a 19th century dentist, or a friend's balloon knot after a drunken game of "hide the corkscrew" got slightly out of hand, but they tasted a lot less exciting than that. #mantou #mantoubuns #friedmantou #condensedmilk #dinesty #dumplinghouse #eatcouver #yvrfood #vancouverfood #food #foodporn #digestdigress (at Dinesty Dumpling House) https://www.instagram.com/p/B5NsO0wD2KO/?igshid=qoeryjx1e4wb

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Lemon meringue pie, La Leona, Southern Patagonia, 7/10. Look at the height of that slice! It's like a geriatric mohawk on a regular slice of pie so traumatised by his parents' early breakup in life that the salvation he found in punk music has stayed with him through his greying years and now, despite his tastes softening to a more diverse collection ranging from Dave Matthews Band to The Jonas Brothers, is worn as a point of pride next to his balding former bandmates. Half a bag of sugar and two cans of hairspray keeps the "There's Something About Mary" look alive. Phone for scale on account of the Patagonia fruit import ban rendering scaling bananas unavailable. #lemonmeringuepie #dessert #pie #patagonia #patagoniafood #food #foodporn #digestdigress (at La Leona) https://www.instagram.com/p/B4sd3l1DOLS/?igshid=10r3iu9d0yyei

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Guanaco goulash with spaetzle, Maffia, El Chaltén, 9/10. Guanaco (a type of llama) is as far as I can determine not Spanish slang for wanking, making it weird that the waiter would ask "You know what is guanaco?" whilst making the universal sign for self-gratification. Fairly sure the chef could whip up my meat bowl without stopping by man's favourite outlet first, the added sense of flavour danger endured when the fruits of his labour came out in front of me. Fear of a tough meat to masticate soon slipped into a local melt in the mouth experience and a desire to never learn the true origin of the server's meat beating greeting. #guanaco #goulash #spaetzle #maffia #elchalten #argentinafood #food #foodporn #digestdigress (at Maffia) https://www.instagram.com/p/B4fruu1Dg81/?igshid=i7cl64q24p31

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Bife de lomo, Cero5, Buenos Aires, 10/10. Day 6 of the Argentinian beef diet. My clothes smell like beef, my fingers smell of beef, I smell like beef, everything smells beefy, i am beef. I live in a beef house with beef seats and beef curtains. I'm a fat cow plumped atop a beef cushion, beef dripping with the meat sweats. This prime rump is now simply a container for beef sandwiched between two slabs of beef. Vegetables have become an indispensable part of life if I want to have any chance of a beef parting to make way for the next beef encounter. #lomo #filetmignon #steak #cero5 #argentiniansteak #buenosairesfood #food #foodporn #digestdigress (at Parrilla Cero5) https://www.instagram.com/p/B4dX2zpDgY3/?igshid=1qh0hi018gvt

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Filet mignon, Longview Steakhouse, Longview Alberta, 10/10. Just when almost all hope felt lost for the seemingly "all talk no trouser" Alberta beef reputation it bundles you out of the house in the middle of the night wearing nothing but your skimpies and a hastily secured restraint, drives you an hour outside of town in the boot of the car to a leaf strewn field stretching to the horizon and commands you dig your own grave. With encrusted blood on your face from the beatings of past steak disappointments and frost forming on your nipples cattle stand menacingly by as your tormentor raises a nail gun to your temple, bellows "Bearnaise or peppercorn?!?!?!?" before pulling the trigger. You've voided yourself, and as your broken and arsemuck smeared body tumbles forward to the pit below the dawn sun cracks the sky freeing your earthly obligations and welcoming you to sweet beef heaven. #steak #bearnaisesauce #longviewsteakhouse #longviewalberta #albertabeef #yycfood #calgaryfood #food #foodporn #digestdigress (at Longview Steak House) https://www.instagram.com/p/B34qy_LjIhk/?igshid=10xk97vvjle3a

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Belly Up ramen, Gorilla Whale, Calgary, 4/10. Canada Post are due to go on strike shortly and I'm not actually sure we'll even notice a difference in service quality. I don't think they've been "showing up to work" for as long as I've been unfortunate enough to not receive my mail in a timely fashion via their team of sloths with their shoelaces tied together. Similarly, if this ramen chef hadn't shown up to work today would anyone have tasted the difference? Bung half a stock cube in distilled water and hand it to a postal sloth on a square wheeled scooter. With luck by the time it's delivered old age dementia will have robbed their memories of broth flavour and they'll simply be satisfied to not die of thirst. #porkbelly #ramen #exploreyyc #explorecalgary #calgaryfood #yycfood #yyceats #yyclife #food #foodporn #digestdigress (at Gorilla Whale) https://www.instagram.com/p/BpODoKTgltR/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=1lzssxcgrfppp

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Cinnamon roll French toast, Mehri's, Portland, 8/10. Aka freedom toast, or how to single handedly destroy your health in a single sitting. On a scale from 1 being swollen cankles to 10 being toilet seat cardiac dysrhymia, I've elevated my fat bastard level (not to mention cholesterol and blood sugar) to Jabba the Hutt on a mobility scooter. Now that I'm following the Michael Phelps 10,000 calorie a day Olympic diet and am heavier than a dinghy laden with Syrian refuges I'd say I'm just about ready to voice my opinion on Hilary Clinton on some right wing message boards. It's also now the only activity I can do without wheezing like I'm walking around wearing a gas mask or sound like I'm attempting to walk upstairs with Brett Kavanaugh's hand over my face. I'm pretty sure I can hear my colon creaking. #cinnamonroll #frenchtoast #portlandfoodie #mehris #portland #food #foodporn #digestdigress (at Mehri's Cafe and Bakery) https://www.instagram.com/p/Bo8_EoXhaMj/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=11z89fwkdfae8