#digestdigress

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Holiday feast pizza, Double R Pizza, Clearwater BC, 9/10. At first glance of the menu this looks like it should be avoided like the rantings of an anti-vaxxer, bleating on about QAnon revealing the earth is flat and aliens building the pyramid within a simulation. But instead of just shipping them off to the gas chamber and claiming the collapse of society, it turns out that the Thanksgiving pizza is on to something. Not something like the person who first discovered that a sock filled with vaseline made an ample substitute lover, more like a pilgrim who's massacred his way across half a continent and realises he doesn't need any loved ones to still enjoy a 12" reason to be thankful. #holidayfeastpizza #thanksgiving #pizza #doublerpizza #clearwater #food #foodporn #digestdigress (at Double "R" Pizza & Subs) https://www.instagram.com/p/CIE2UPFjjlw/?igshid=up4t5a5a6rt1

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Beef noodle soup, Lambo Noodle Bar, Calgary, 8/10. Oh, hi. Didn't expect to see you again actually...... "How have you been?" Well, you know, it's been a time.........So, there's been a lot of time to think and, well, I didn't appreciate you enough when I had the chance. A meal I didn't make myself, served by someone else, shared with someone special, risk of serious illness substantially lower. Did I really give you the energy I should have? Did I properly open myself up to the opportunity? "Hey look, it's nice to see you but I have other customers now so I should go." Oh, of course, other customers, right. See you around then I guess. Well that went about as badly as I imagined...... #beefnoodlesoup #noodles #yycfood #food #foodporn #digestdigress （在 Lambo Noodle Bar） https://www.instagram.com/p/CBdWmyQDkuC/?igshid=100a7rar25kh4

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Lemon meringue pie, La Leona, Southern Patagonia, 7/10. Look at the height of that slice! It's like a geriatric mohawk on a regular slice of pie so traumatised by his parents' early breakup in life that the salvation he found in punk music has stayed with him through his greying years and now, despite his tastes softening to a more diverse collection ranging from Dave Matthews Band to The Jonas Brothers, is worn as a point of pride next to his balding former bandmates. Half a bag of sugar and two cans of hairspray keeps the "There's Something About Mary" look alive. Phone for scale on account of the Patagonia fruit import ban rendering scaling bananas unavailable. #lemonmeringuepie #dessert #pie #patagonia #patagoniafood #food #foodporn #digestdigress (at La Leona) https://www.instagram.com/p/B4sd3l1DOLS/?igshid=10r3iu9d0yyei

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Buns with condensed milk, Dinesty Dumpling House, Richmond, 6/10. These may look like sweet cream chimney choads, or that Pillsbury Man just coiled out a few doughy logs in the back of house, or the only way to remove a set of overly tight nipple tassels was to tie them with string to a door and slam it shut like a 19th century dentist, or a friend's balloon knot after a drunken game of "hide the corkscrew" got slightly out of hand, but they tasted a lot less exciting than that. #mantou #mantoubuns #friedmantou #condensedmilk #dinesty #dumplinghouse #eatcouver #yvrfood #vancouverfood #food #foodporn #digestdigress (at Dinesty Dumpling House) https://www.instagram.com/p/B5NsO0wD2KO/?igshid=qoeryjx1e4wb

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Guanaco goulash with spaetzle, Maffia, El Chaltén, 9/10. Guanaco (a type of llama) is as far as I can determine not Spanish slang for wanking, making it weird that the waiter would ask "You know what is guanaco?" whilst making the universal sign for self-gratification. Fairly sure the chef could whip up my meat bowl without stopping by man's favourite outlet first, the added sense of flavour danger endured when the fruits of his labour came out in front of me. Fear of a tough meat to masticate soon slipped into a local melt in the mouth experience and a desire to never learn the true origin of the server's meat beating greeting. #guanaco #goulash #spaetzle #maffia #elchalten #argentinafood #food #foodporn #digestdigress (at Maffia) https://www.instagram.com/p/B4fruu1Dg81/?igshid=i7cl64q24p31

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Filet mignon, Longview Steakhouse, Longview Alberta, 10/10. Just when almost all hope felt lost for the seemingly "all talk no trouser" Alberta beef reputation it bundles you out of the house in the middle of the night wearing nothing but your skimpies and a hastily secured restraint, drives you an hour outside of town in the boot of the car to a leaf strewn field stretching to the horizon and commands you dig your own grave. With encrusted blood on your face from the beatings of past steak disappointments and frost forming on your nipples cattle stand menacingly by as your tormentor raises a nail gun to your temple, bellows "Bearnaise or peppercorn?!?!?!?" before pulling the trigger. You've voided yourself, and as your broken and arsemuck smeared body tumbles forward to the pit below the dawn sun cracks the sky freeing your earthly obligations and welcoming you to sweet beef heaven. #steak #bearnaisesauce #longviewsteakhouse #longviewalberta #albertabeef #yycfood #calgaryfood #food #foodporn #digestdigress (at Longview Steak House) https://www.instagram.com/p/B34qy_LjIhk/?igshid=10xk97vvjle3a

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Baby squid and black rice, La Mar, Buenos Aires, 7/10. Baby squid, do do do do do do, baby squid, do do do do do do, baby squid. Where are you? Do do do do do do, can't see you, do do do do do do, you're too small. Premature birth? Do do do do do do. Dwarfism? Do do do do do do. Stunted growth? Mitochondria, do do do do do do. Tory compassion, do do do do do do do. Epstein suicide evidence. Snatched before your time, do do do do do do, so much to live for, do do do do do do, life unfulfilled. I'm not full, do do do do do do, send your dad, do do do do do do, or the menu. #babysquid #blackrice #seafood #argentinafood #buenosairesfood #food #foodporn #digestdigress (at La Mar Cebicheria Buenos Aires) https://www.instagram.com/p/B5aHWXxDj86/?igshid=d1nxdv4v61rq

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Cumin beef biang biang noodles, Old Xian's Food, Vancouver, 9/10. Just how old is Old Xian? Has anyone checked on her lately? Has she had a fall? Because the music playing is Michael Bublé's Christmas hits. It's the middle of summer. It's hot as the hatred between Melania and Trump and the Boob is telling us to let it snow. Maybe Xian fell and hit her head and has been stranded on the kitchen floor for the past 8 months, left languishing like a post-Brexit UK and the only humane thing left to do is grab a heavy skillet and beat her out of her misery. #noodles #beefnoodles #yvrfood #vancouverfood #food #foodporn #digestdigress (at Old Xian's Food)

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Stack of pancakes with butter, maple syrup and shortbread, Jethro’s Fine Grub, Vancouver, 6/10. Cutlery for scale? Teapot for scale? Haemorrhaged stomach for scale? Given that these pancakes were similar in scale to Catholic guilt I almost required a second table to accommodate the stack and my shame. Like being waterboarded with piss the crumbled shortbread poured on top just added insult to suffering. #pancakes #jethros #food #foodporn #digestdigress #yvrfood #vancouverfood (at Jethro’s Fine Grub)

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Toasted ice cream sandwich, Mister, Vancouver, 8/10. Ice cream: one of life's true pleasures, and as with all things great sooner or later someone's coming along to torch your happiness. Blowtorch use made this more gassy than a Polish countryside retreat but it still held together like a politician's marriage in the face of the second gay prostitute scandal. He might have eaten a fist-sized slab of cream that night too. #food #foodporn #digestdigress #icecream #icecreamsandwich #mister #yvrfood #vancouverfood (at Mister)

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Mongolian beef noodles, Oodle Noodle, Edmonton, 7/10. Came for the name, stayed for the paper towels as I tried to remedy the stainage my trousers attracted when I dropped this down my lap and in an impressive effort of pinball wizardry bounced it back and forth down each leg inflicting maximum mess like an early pull out after a month's abstinence. Left Oodle Noodle looking like I'd attempted to transition food to shoe using only my hips and a harlem shake. #beef #noodles #beefnoodles #edmontonfood #yegfood #yegeats #yycfood #food #foodporn #digestdigress (at Oodle Noodle Box West)

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Everything on a stick, Zakkushi on Denman, Vancouver 9/10. This got me thinking what else we can put on a stick to improve it. Overbearing mother-in-law? Hand her a broom and watch her fly away. King of the jews? Up on a piece of wood. Writer of teenage vampire novels? Stake through the heart. It would appear that life improves when you've got wood. #japanese #izakaya #meatskewers #food #foodporn #digestdigress (at Zakkushi on Denman)

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Tonkotsu Chashu Ramen, Muku, Calgary, 4/10. Five chashu in the swine broth made this experience more overpoweringly porky than a gang rape at a pig farm. Better to violate my taste buds than my swill passage, but I still took the full force of the broth from the pork bone and left holding back the tears from a thorough porking. Next time I'll go lighter on the pig like a courtroom at a police misconduct trial. #tonkotsu #ramen #chashu #food #foodporn #digestdigress (at Muku Japanese Ramen)

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Pumpkin pie, High Five Diner, Little Fort BC, 10/10. Fork for scale. A monstrosity comparable in offense to US politics: no matter which way you turn your vision is part obscured by the overbearing obscenity of it. Petulantly screaming “look at me!”, it all but started grabbing pussies and conjuring up insults for the other food choices on the menu. Its whipped cream wig, brazenly convinced of its own self-importance, is so wildly detached from reality it’s convinced me that consuming the entire thing in one sitting will cure covid, whilst at the same time (through a campaign of disinformation) has, on account of the potential for lactose-induced disruption in the south, told everyone else to “stand back and stand by”. #pumpkinpie #whippedcream #highfivediner #food #foodporn #digestdigress (at High-Five Diner) https://www.instagram.com/p/CHJnv69jiiQ/?igshid=1wgccmlkvfvqm

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Meat Lover's BBQ, Gyu-Kaku, Calgary, 10/10. Wise man once say, if you're not eating Asian food in Calgary then you're in for disappointment. Ok, now whilst that was actually said by me and based on recent performance my advice shouldn't be listened to by anyone on anything unless it's how to get yourself seriously hurt, on this life matter I'm as bang on as the guy who once said "There are too many mediocre things in life. Love shouldn't be one of them". But he might have been thinking about Japanese BBQ when he said it. #beef #bbq #japanese #food #foodporn #digestdigress (at Gyu-Kaku Japanese BBQ)

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Beef bulgogi, Bow Bulgogi House, Calgary, 7/10. The Koreans it seems have a sense of humour, as just like my heart my dinner has been handed to me in parts, requiring reassembly. I saw a meme this week that said "one day someone will hug you so tight that all your broken pieces will stick back together. But not today.“ Thanks......you dick. Right, I've got a dinner to make whole. #beef #bulgogi #koreanfood #food #foodporn #digestdigress (at Bow Bulgogi House)