digitaljournals

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via

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Feeling somewhat hungry but not being able to eat is def top 4 worst things about grief

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Reassurances dont really reassure me anymore because ive had the closest people reassure that they wont do a specific thing or feel a specific way and its the complete opposite. Maybe this is the root of where ny trust issues started

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I hate feeling like all the people ive cared about and helped throughout life dont got me like i got them. Even my closest friends and cousins have shown me why i cant rely on them for support. Tbh the only person i can trust and know they will support me when i am in need are my mother and God. Ive been grieving three immense losses in the last year and i cant think of one friend who has asked me about how im doing or has offered to cheer me up, not even my cousins. If it wasnt for my mom and brother then idt i would be writing this rn. I don’t know if this has to do with my traumas or whatnot but im finding it harder and harder to make new friends. I feel like its because i cant relate to Americans and their individualistic culture. Even the sudanese Americans are more American than sudanese. Its hard to find someone to relate to here. Maybe i havent tried hard enough? But i have tried with people and i dont get the reciprocation so i don’t know. Im always asking my friends ans close people in my life if im the problem and if i deter people ans they say i do the opposite, but im always left at the end if it all feeling like im not enough to have as a friend, or that my love and care and generosity towards those i love is too much. But how can you live someone too much? I have gone thru a lot of loss and one thing in life i know is that we have to love the people in our lives as much as we can when we can. Ive always wishes i showed more love to someone when they passed away. This is becoming a ramble rant. Anyways i guess im saying all of this bc at the end of the day i think i need a better support system. Good day!

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Ive always been the afterthought or second/last choice for people and for once i want to feel like I’ve been chosen because someone actually wants me & my company, and not because i was an afterthought or second/last option

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I wish my parents took the time and effort to understand and listen to what i have to say

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This past year grieving my cousin/little brother really showed me that my friends dont got me like i got them and its been a really hard and lonely grieving process, harder than most ive been gone/going through. I dont remember the last time someone i considered a close friend to me asked if i was okay or how i was doing in the grieving process. Not even my own family. Im always asking and caring about everyone but no one seems to bother to ask about me when a calamity strikes. I dont blame them, everyone has their own life, but it would be nice to be asked if im okay once and a while, even if i feel like i have to lie and say that i am. Its been a very lonely 11 months even though i am surrounded by many. Many who say they care but dont show it. Over the years ive learnt that actions speak louder than words and ive been proven right by that. A war broke out in my hometown and i dont remember anyone asking me how i am coping with it, or how my family is (except for a couple). Everyone i think of has a number 2 person or someone or a group of friends they can rely on and go to, people who care for them as much as they care. I try to think of who that is for me and i cant really think of anyone anymore like i used to. I had one friend who i thought would be there for me, my best friend of nearly 12 years, but when this grief came all i got was a dm, not even a text, not even a how are you doing, and i understand she had a lot on her plate but whenever i had a lot, especially the last 11 months, ive been checking in on her, asking about her, and she doesnt even seem to care anymore. I feel like this always happens with my friends, just one day they start to distance themselves from me and eventually i end up abandoned by them. Its happened quite often to the point where i keep questioning myself and asking if i am the problem, if my love and care can be too suffocating for people to the point where they need a break, or cant tolerate me and find me annoying. It makes it harder for me to form proper and deeper relationships because everyone just ends up leaving or fucking me over once i get too comfortable or close with them. I just want to give my love to those i love freely without ever wondering if its too much, if they will ever leave me. Anyways, gone off tangent. I don’t know how to end this tbh but i hope one day i find a companion besides God who accepts my love and loves me as much as i love them or somewhat close

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㋡🥀

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by Matveev Nikolai

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Illustrations by Nikita Busyak.

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Mamba forever

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Photography by Xuebing Du

Instagram: xuebing.du

[digitaljournals]

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Veronika Gilková

[digitaljournals]

Photography by Xuebing Du

Instagram: xuebing.du

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