dissentdisdain - Tumblr blog

[dissentdisdain]

illusion

i am here once again

admiring the pines guarding the lake

the pines that guard the sight of my bleeding arms

as the blood drips into the water and soil.

the clouds hold the heaviness of my heartache

while the rain that pours, covers me in my own blood.

i know this place has become dangerous for me to live in

but i will never see anything as beautiful as this.

each time i return

i endure walking through the brush

obtaining scratches, cuts, scrapes as honorary medals

somehow convincing myself i am immune to abuse

although my screaming and burning body tells me otherwise.

this is what our relationship is.

i have become enveloped by the peaceful darkness

that comes after you bruise me to all hell.

me, never caring for a sight that didnt come with a challenge

the pain gathered by the journey, something to be proud of.

i am afraid that i will always want to come back

hoping that the brush won't hurt as bad each time i want to reach you

but let me tell you, i can't take much more of this

and i hope you are serious this time, when you say

"i am getting help, i promise i will never treat you like that again"

and you decide to maintain your trail,

so it won't hurt just to admire you anymore.

[dissentdisdain]

why so blue..

[dissentdisdain]

I’m Sorry That I Left You There in the Darkness - Submitted by SeesawSiya

#383b4a #6b557c #a290b8 #dbd090 #b49b5b

[dissentdisdain]

you only exist to me

between the hours of twilight through dawn

where the lyrics are entangled with grief

scattered on pages drenched in yearning.

i refuse to allow you to exist

from dawn until dusk

during the time i start to live

where I pretend that you're dead-

the same thing you did to me.

[dissentdisdain]

i want the security and comfort of long term relationships without the romance and intimacy

[dissentdisdain]

•.¸☆ ː̗̤̣̀̈̇ː̖́ ☆¸.•˚ how to plan your week according to the planets •.¸☆ ː̗̤̣̀̈̇ː̖́ ☆¸.•˚

Monday: Moon Day ☽

If you notice you tend to feel a moody energy at the start of your work weeks; you can blame our dear friend the Moon. Monday's are ruled by the Moon, which presides over our intuition and emotions. Moon Days can bring a low or heavy energy to the day.

Things to do on Moon days:

☆ Light exercise (walking, yoga, etc)

☆ Self care

☆ Reflect on emotions/journal

☆ Meditation

☆ Prioritizing rest + quiet time

Tuesday: Mars Day ♂

Tuesday is a shift from Monday as it is ruled by Mars, the planet of action. You may feel more confident and motivated; more like you're ready to take on the world.

Things to do on Mars days:

☆ Get started on new projects you've been thinking about

☆ Get as many tasks complete from your to-do list as possible

☆ Avoid unnecessary drama/fights

☆ Get a morning workout in

Wednesday: Mercury Day ☿

As Wednesday is ruled by Mercury; the planet of communication, creativity, + curiosity, thoughts and words come more easily. It is one of the most productive days of the week.

Things to do on Mercury days:

☆ Respond to texts/answer emails

☆ Research topics

☆ Make long-term plans

☆ Apply for jobs/schedule interviews

Thursday: Jupiter Day ♃

Since Thursdays are ruled by Jupiter, the planet of abundance and expansion, you may feel more generous or optimistic.

Things to do on Jupiter Days:

☆ Take a vacation day at work

☆ Take a college class

☆ Offer to tutor others

☆ Volunteer work

Friday: Venus Day ♀

Friday's are ruled by Venus; the planet of love, romance, + indulgence. You may feel more outgoing or flirtatious on Venus days.

Things to do on Venus Days:

☆ Spa day/night

☆ Movie night with friends

☆ Go for a first date/get dinner with a partner

☆ Enjoy a night out with friends/a partner

☆ Buy concert tickets

Saturday: Saturn Day ♄

Saturday's are ruled by Saturn; the planet of structure and discipline, so you may feel more motivated to get some of your to-do list done.

Things to do on Saturn Days:

☆ Update your weekly schedule

☆ Listen to motivational podcasts/TED talk

☆ Improve your morning routine

☆ Meal prep

☆ Grocery shop

Sunday: Sun Day ☉

Sunday's are ruled by the Sun which presides over our self expression and ego.

Things to do on Sun Days:

☆ Spend extra time with your pets

☆ Get brunch with a friend

☆ Go for a drive

☆ Read your favorite book

★ .* . ∅ ° ☆ * ･thank you for reading ★ .* . ∅ ° ☆ * ･

I am not a professional astrologer, these are suggestions based on the studies i've done so far but i am constantly studying and nowhere near a professional🫶

[dissentdisdain]

lol i hate today’s era of absolutely zero nuance takes. a friend didn’t behave exactly as you’d wanted them to? cut them off. a guy didn’t text you back instantly bc he has his own life? he’s just giving you breadcrumbs. doing something makes you uncomfortable? don’t do it anymore. someone isn’t instantly available for you? disinterest. just absolutist statements that often don’t apply to the multilayer situations of everyday life. like. stop. literally just stop it

[dissentdisdain]

tundra

for a month now

with my hands frozen to my chest

overlapping above my heart

emotions, frozen

i have been forced to listen to the wind

desperately waiting for guidance

on how to bring myself back to life

[dissentdisdain]

months later, as i lie on blood stained sheets

bottles and blades unable to provide relief

through the haunting of our last memories,

i stare down the barrel of this loaded gun

knowing it will bring me everlasting peace

because a life of pain without you

is a world that is better off without me.

what will you do when im gone

will you go to my funeral

with tears in your eyes

or just avoid my family

and look up at the skies

[dissentdisdain]

I don't remember much of who I was before you.

[dissentdisdain]

scorpio moon

i sit on the wooden floor this morning

an hour after the moon entered my ninth house

the scorpio moon adding more extreme depth

to my already overflowing natal cancer moon

the house of religious beliefs on my mind

writing about my grief of leaving my relationship

that began in a cult.

the first time we spoke to one another

we bonded over lyrics we wrote.

we were supposed to write music together.

but instead

we joined your religion

got married too young

got shunned just as quickly

became traumatized with each other

experienced homelessness

our relationship destroyed before we knew it

the ptsd seemingly and permanently

altering my perceptions on love

ripping me away from you.

we both lost ourselves in sound

heavy, melodic, heartbreaking distortion.

I promised to write music with you

melodies of our upcoming romance

but here I am, four years later

writing about the tragedy of our downfall

without you present.

[dissentdisdain]

Absolutely beautiful. 🖤

when the words i write

aren't expressing the grief

the way i need them to--

i turn to my piano

to express the storm inside of me.

but when i start to play in d minor

the keys unlocking the deadbolts of my heart

causing me to abruptly stop,

my vision blurry from the tears--

i turn back to the pen and the paper...

willing to feel not enough,

than feel all too well.

[dissentdisdain]

i lie awake at 4 am

blankets of grief

they weigh me down

physically, beside him

mentally, beside you

-- ptsd

[dissentdisdain]

find me at the lake

I will be swimming in the pool of my miseries

trying to drown in something other than myself

[dissentdisdain]

mourning the life we wished for

silence conquers all over

while i am left to recover

from an obligated departure

that was out of my control

mourning in my room

i feel the echoes of your voice from within

telling me "i loved you..."

"... you just weren't enough for me"

i tell myself is okay

to grieve someone who is not dead

for there was a life ahead

a beginning with no end

- dee (a life i no longer have)

[dissentdisdain]

[dissentdisdain]

purple walls

evelyn, my old best friend

you shared a post, saying "what are your favorite memories with me?"

and even though we grew apart in 2019

we had multiple memories throughout those 3 years in highschool

and I commented all the ones I had of you

us camping, sneaking out of class, doing our photography shoots, staying up to watch the sunrise, meeting each other at the art hallway entrance, tubing with that random couple at a northern california lake

...your response?

"i love you! you are so precious!

I remember us cuddling in my bed

and you playing guitar for me..."

that's just a summary of the heartfelt words you expressed.

i cannot describe how flushed my cheeks got

when I woke up that comment.

reminiscing on having feelings for you

so nervous to have your body settled into mine

my right arm under your head

you smiling as your golden brown hair fell over your eyes

making sure to be as closely pressed against me as possible

me, hoping you felt safe and protected

me, also wondering what it would be like to kiss you

at 22, slapping myself for not realizing i was attracted to women, having a crush on you at 16

our pasts intertwining with instability

yet the only moment I felt stable with you

was when we held each other on your queen size mattress

laughing under the blankets in the room with the purple walls.