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[divarat]

7/22/23

I have dozens of saved notes paragraphs on my phone from over the years (as do most girls and I love that for us) that I'm curious to read through. But also I would rather jump feet first into a meat grinder. I want to go back and tell myself as a girl to just enjoy what you have because it just gets worse. It all goes away and in its stead it leaves giant gouges that you have to fill. Like a pothole the more you fill it with crap the bigger it gets, and then eventually you're no longer a paved road you're just a bunch of holes.

[divarat]

7/22/23

I experienced a really sweet and deep love at 19 and it ended when I was around 22. Things ended, and I went through it all completely alone. My family didn't know about him, except my oldest sister. I only told her because I knew she wouldn't give me shit about it being an online relationship. (Somewhat valid criticism, I'll admit). I am completely alone and I just want him. It's been over a year now. This hurts to talk about still. We're still friends, and I message him sometimes. Sometimes he messages me. Lately its been a lot of me messaging him and him not getting back to me. And that's probably a natural progression for ex's. I don't expect him to stay in contact out of obligation to be friends or anything, I just want him to be happy.

But the thought of me in my 40's thinking about him every so often on my way home from work and not knowing anything about his life makes me want to dry heave. (I'm only joking a little here). Thinking about this makes my head so foggy and tense. It feels like there's a big rock in my stomach. It feels like my heart is a big wad of aluminum foil that crackles and bends and flakes apart every time it expands. I am so grateful that I experienced that love. I hate myself for wanting to forget every single part of it. Because every day I replay the best parts in my head. And every day I reopen my own wounds that I thought had healed a long time ago.

[divarat]

7/14/23

I know that I am owed nothing. I feel like I was conditioned to think that everything is always somehow my fault. Every bad thing that happens around me I could have somehow prevented. Anything I do that has negative consequences I should have known better and prevented it from happening (there was probably a 1% probability that I could have realistically figured out how to have stopped whatever it was...) The massive problem with thinking like this is that its not technically wrong. In almost every single situation where something bad happens, I could have probably stopped it. But that's extremely unfair. That's based purely on one condition; being perfect. Well it's your fault for not being perfect, just be better next time. I feel like with heavy moderation this practice is really healthy and useful for bettering yourself. But when its expected all the time, and when you're passive aggressively shamed for not putting it to use? Something shocking and unheard of happens- you grow up into an emotionally unregulated fucking train-wreck. A doormat of a human being. People pleasing and striving for perfection 100% of the time leads to burnout and being shitty and not caring.

[divarat]

7/14/23

I feel like the result of being hurt and talked down to your whole young life leads to being extremely unsure of how you feel; and extremely unsure of if how you feel is reasonable or acceptable. Because when you think of yourself being beneath most everyone, there's absolutely no way you're allowed to feel or express negative emotion that inconveniences other people. you're not worth that.

Writing that down for the first time makes it seem obvious. I wish it was.

[divarat]

Sections of my first journal entry 👍

7/14/23

I wish I could remember all the things that have happened to me, so that this pain I carry every day could maybe be some what justified. I have never experienced major traumatic events really. Rather tons of small heartbreaks spread out far enough between one another JUST so I would almost get over one and then another happens and I remember and feel all over again. To never forget that; there is something inherently wrong with me; that I am not worthy of anything good that comes my way; that everybody in the world around me feels normal and good and that I am completely alone. The byproduct of spending way too much time alone as a child. When I try to pick apart the specific memories for analysis, I face a few issues. The biggest issue is that I cant fucking remember 80% of it. The second being- (I forgot the second.)

[divarat]

Hello!

I'm not exactly sure what all I want to post on here. I'm starting this blog (of sorts..?) because for the past few months I've been journaling whenever I get into a bad headspace. My journaling isn't anything particularly special or new. I'm just a girl in her early 20's figuring her shit out, so my bad writing is going to reflect that lol. I just feel like posting some of the things I've journaled, and even if one person reads it and can relate that would be cool :) or just any words of encouragement.

I'm not sure how to do this but I'd also like to add a trigger warning for the following topics: s**cide, s*lf h*rm.