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A Tip for Coping

Coping with what? Well, I use it for just about everything that needs coping-with. I know this’ll sound a bit self-help-booky, but hear me out. Put simply, it’s the surprisingly potent power of our choice of words. I know; I’ve rolled my eyes at the concept, too.

If we’re being honest, though, the practice is a major player in why I’m even still alive, so I have some solid experience with it to be sharing. This isn’t just vague advice, though. I’m offering one, relatively easy change that I can only hope will help you as much as it has helped me.

Simply put: When you feel like you’re at your limit, like you just can’t take any more, like you can’t go through something one more time; you can feel it, but don’t say it. Don’t say it aloud, don’t say it to yourself with your inner voice, don’t write it down. When the weight of something hits you, try to rephrase your thoughts on it. Instead of marinating in the consequences of the weight, just acknowledge that the weight is there.

Note that it’s not “ignore your problem.” All I’m saying is, instead of “I can’t handle this happening again,” try to just focus on “this is happening.”

Our minds are weird and squishy things – by thinking things like “if this happens again, I’ll snap,” we are more apt to believe it. It can be a lie that we make true by believing it. We don’t actually know our true limits, but we can be quick to think that we are near them. I know I’m far from the first person to suggest this, and it sounds very Joel Osteen or something, but I know it to be true for me.

I’ll keep the specific backstory to a minimum, but like plenty of people, dark times are a persistent and regular problem for me. Like a lot of emo teens in the early 2000’s, I considered myself at my wit’s end several times. I found myself at my bedside with knife in hand quite often, but it was never my own willpower or conviction that kept me from following through with something rash. Whether it was the fear of death or the guilt for those I’d leave behind, there was always something to stop me.

Well, that gradually stopped being the case. When the inner voice insisting “things will get better, just hang on until things get better” wouldn’t suffice on account of things never, ever getting better (over ten years and counting,) I was at very real risk of doing irreparable damage.

There was a specific point that changed me. Not a particularly traumatic event, but just another entry in a long line of life kicking me in the dick. Minus the boring details, there was a life (not mine) on the line at the time. It coincided with what I considered to be my true rite of passage into adulthood: the epiphany that I was facing a problem that I couldn’t just wait to go away. There was no safety net of someone to turn to, there was no panic button; it was entirely on me.

It was a two day event. The first day was spent in equal shares going through all of those emotions. Thinking to myself that it will get better on its own, telling myself that I could just ask so-and-so for help if it gets worse, resting relatively assured that a simple 911 call was my last resort that would automatically fix everything. As that day wore on, I came to find out that none of these were true. It wasn’t going away on its own, the person couldn’t help, and in the emergency room I was given some rather dark news.

The next day only had an hour or so of worrying myself to pieces over it before I hit that zen-like revelation. I kept telling myself all the ways my own life would be over if the other was lost. I fretted relentlessly over how I would handle the potential bad news, and I had more ulcer than stomach with how much I agonized over my impending situation.

I don’t know why, but something did snap on the inside. I felt this strange conviction over my thoughts. For one, the potential bad news hadn’t even come yet; but also, I questioned my repeating prognosis of believing that my life would be over. I stopped and reveled in a very blank, numb, meditative state for a time.

Once I was able to think properly again, I found a sense of acceptance. To use a common phrase, I rebranded all of my thoughts of “I can’t” and “this can’t” to “I’ll cross that bridge when I get to it.”

Yes, I’m well aware how lame that sounds; but I mean it. It was quite logical. I didn’t truly know how I would handle the bad news, if it came; so there was no need to rehearse my impending breakdown. I didn’t actually know how things would go in light of it, so I stopped considering the total-ruin outlook to be canon and set in stone.

But, what happens when that bridge does come around, and you have to face all the things you put off? Well, you just keep the chain going. Chances are, you face it now with less on your mind than before. Even if you get the bad outcome you had the right to fear, (which, yes, I have had those too,) it might turn out to not be the end of the world, either; and you’re in a better state to deal with it, having not spent the whole time worrying about it.

Somehow, that mindset has persisted ever since. To this day, I still face some pretty heart-wrenching situations quite frequently – comparable, I’d say, to watching a beloved pet die or suffer greatly about two or three times per month. The reason I haven’t become a tragic headliner for the local news, however, is because I haven’t artificially set my limits to reach.

Each time it happens, I only think to myself: “well shit, it’s happening.” Maybe still not the best way to handle it, technically; but my younger self’s take of: “I can’t handle this happening again” would result in a very, very different state of mind.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying I am limitless because of this. This mentality doesn’t make me immune to heartache, mental strain, and physical pain; but like a hidden power in a videogame, it does grant me exponentially higher tolerance to them. There are times where, no matter what I consciously think, I can feel a wall behind me; but it takes significantly more to reach that point than it would to reach the artificial walls my words can erect as soon as I give them the power to.

I implemented this change over the course of a day, and had fully adopted the mindset before the week was out. That was amid a crisis, however; so bear that in mind if it takes longer or shorter for you. It did me wonders, though; and still does. It’s not entirely permanent, and those self-limiting words do creep up on me from time to time, but I can proudly say that I’ve kept my discipline at roughly 98% in the many years since that turning point. It’s no speculation to say that I’d be a distant memory now, had I not.

I hope you found this helpful. Stay safe out there.

[dreamersrazor-blog]

Some Advice on What You Can Do When You Feel Hopeless (right now, by yourself)

Well, the first thing should be “Don’t look up lists of what to do about it.” I learned that today. Everything I found on such a search made me feel worse, somehow. No joke, one suggestion was literally “fall in love,” like that is something one can just do. Whatever, let’s move on. Coarse language warning.

Feeling like the world is just having a grand ol’ time shitting in your mouth nonstop is possibly one of the worst sensations a person can feel. Sorry for the imagery, but it’s my best way to describe it when decent-folks terminology just falls short at explaining to someone how downright insufferable everything is in that moment.

When I feel hopeless – and I mean legitimate, absolute, can’t-be-bargained-with hopeless – the only thing I want is for something, anything, just one fuck-mothering thing to go right in my life, just for a moment, and give me something to smile about without immediately kicking me in the balls afterward.

Unfortunately, that outcome is rare for me. If you’ve been drawn to this post, then I’m guessing it’s rare for you, too. I can’t say I have a miracle cure for feeling like your life is a train wreck where all the cars were filled with eggs, live ammunition, and orphans; but I do want to share the coping methods I’ve been using when Google just offers me suggestions that, were I able to act on, I wouldn’t be so hopeless in the first place.

For the record, I promise that statement does mean more than just that absurd “fall in love” tip above. It just seemed like a good note to start with. An important aspect of this post is to assume that you basically only have an internet connection and a few minutes to spend on yourself. I do list some examples with things that you might not own, but they are largely secondary to the points made. Just as well, they don’t involve anyone else.

 My first suggestion might sound counter-intuitive, but it helps me for some reason or another. I have some theories on it, but we’ll get to that. The suggestion is to subject yourself to something sad on purpose, within certain “safe” boundaries. Now, what does that mean, and why on Earth would we do that? Well, hear me out.

This can be a movie scene, a story, a picture – whatever works for you. In my case, it’s a couple of songs. The key thing here is that it’s a… healthy(?) kind of sad stimuli. i.e. something that can make you feel things, spring up some (manly) tears just a bit, but not necessarily a song to cut your wrists to or whatever; or something that you’re overly emotionally invested in.

For me, one such experience is the song 1,000 Words from… from whatever Final Fantasy game it’s from. I’ve never played the game, the lyrics don’t apply to me in any way, but the song is a rubber mallet straight to the feels for me, regardless. While it might conjure up some (extremely masculine) misty eyes, it’s a different sensation than the self-loathing, hopelessness, and general give-me-one-reason-not-to-die-right-now sensations that drive me to it. I find myself in a better overall state of mind after totally-not-crying to it for a few minutes when I’m at my lowest.

The potency of this method can be diminished if you draw from the well too often, so to speak. (if it worked for you to start with, anyway.) My therapy song won’t work near as well if it’s something I listen to frequently or have heard a gazillion times already. The aforementioned tune did absolute wonders for me the first few times, but after hitting that one a few too many times, I had to move to another one to achieve the same effect. Still worked, though.

 While it might seem like a “bash thumb with hammer to cure toothache” kind of solution, I think it’s a less-invasive method of self-harm. I’ve never intentionally hurt myself, so I don’t personally understand the mindset of cutters and such. Having known a couple, however, a common purpose of self-harm seems to be a sense of control. I feel that my sad-time-song has that same effect of inflicting a normally-undesirable sensation on myself; but it’s something I choose to do, something I have control of.

The thing is, it’s an emotion that doesn’t make my current situation worse, which is something sad stimuli tends to otherwise do. Hence my emphasis on it being a “safe” source of feels. My advice isn’t just “make yourself sadder on purpose,” it’s… I guess I’m saying “make yourself a different kind of sad.” I think. I don’t know.

For example, another such feels-y moment for me was the very end of the movie Logan. The thing X23 does right before the credits. You know the part. Thing is, that was a leaky-eyes moment for me, but purely on a symbolic level. I’m not specifically a fan of Wolverine, or the X-Men in general; so that bit, to me, is a “safe” sad.

In contrast, the opening minutes of the movie Arrival hit really close to home for me. Dwelling on that one doesn’t produce feels, it produces legitimate sorrow. This is an “unsafe” sad, because it makes these negative emotions worse; or adds to them.

Now, I get that not everyone can immediately think of something in the “safe-sad” category for them. If that’s you, I’d just suggest keeping an eye out for such sensations going forward. Something that can tempt your face to leak, but not because it reminds you of your own troubles or struggles.

 My next suggestion is something of an extension of the first. A spinoff, if you will. While I certainly encourage you to do anything (within reason) that you feel might improve your mindset, I know a mistake I inadvertently made quite often was to indulge in things that would inadvertently make it worse.

This is meant more or less as a direct disclaimer to the common advice of “engage in your hobbies!” or “make time to do something you enjoy!” because frankly, that can be dangerous in some cases.

To borrow terminology from myself, there are basically “safe” and “unsafe” variants to the good things as well. Identifying the difference can make a huge… difference. This part gets a bit sob-story, so I totally understand if you want to skip it.

The gist of it, though, is that when trying to distract yourself from the overwhelming shittiness of your situation, you must be mindful with what you turn to. Some things that you might think are beneficial or helpful might actually be harming you under the surface, and determining what “good” things to avoid can be the key to lessening the weight of hopelessness.

 Anyway, my bit is as follows; with some examples of things that I thought were helping, but were, in fact, making it worse.

I love metal music; and on a good day, I can listen to it all I want without issue. The thing is, in my darkest hours, watching the Little V Mills cover of Heavy Day, despite essentially being my favorite thing ever, does more harm than good to my psyche. Perhaps I’m just slow, but I dug myself into that pit several times before I made the connection as to why such an otherwise feel-good endeavor would backfire on me when I needed it most.

I played guitar for a few years – it was easily one of my favorite things to do for a long while. Because of [medical] I haven’t been able to play it for many years now, and will likely never be able to play it again. Even though I love the song and Little V, listening to it in bad times is just a subconscious jackhammer to my dead guitar dreams.

“That’s the easiest connection in the world to make” you might have said just then, but please understand, my guitar dreams died long ago, and I haven’t otherwise been bitter about it. I don’t watch a musician play something and consciously think “oh, if only I could still do that!” or reminisce lovingly about all the one-man shows I used to put on in the kitchen for my mom and dogs. (shut up.)

That whole chunk of my life is honestly a non-issue at this point, as far as my conscious thoughts go. Beneath the surface, however, those wounds are quick to reopen when you’re grasping at anything to distract you from how terrible things are at the time.

I love the shows RWBY and Death Battle, but watching them in low days just hammers home my failure as an aspiring animator. I rely on ASMR videos to sleep at night; but when every last ounce of shit in life is hitting fan blades I didn’t even know existed, I find it better to deal with insomnia than for the lovely ASMRtist ladies to be a frustrating reminder of how painfully single and lonely I am.

Now, I know that when you’re in a bad enough spot, you can look at anything you do in that sort of self-defeating light and use that to make your hopelessness worse. As of writing this, I’m actually in such a spot. Fun fact: being reasonably proud of my passable grammar and wordsmanship without any tangible recoil from it is the entire reason I’m writing this tonight.

So, explore with caution, I guess. If you feel overwhelmed by finding a self-defeating aspect of everything you do, then just do nothing. I’m not saying to quit your job or whatever, but sometimes the best answer is to not seek answers, if that makes any sense.

In the “do nothing” category, I find Youtube channels like TED and TEDx Talks quite efficient at filling my brain with something neutral to listen to; depending on which subject you click on, of course. That conveniently segues into…

 Third suggestion: Learn Something Irrelevant. As with the other two, this one is highly subjective; but hey, so is this entire topic. Another coping method I’ve come to rely on is to just space out with a bunch of useless trivia I have absolutely no need for.

The speeches given on those TED channels are a great example of this. They’re nice and long for maximum time absorption, while slotting neatly into the “mildly amusing” category most of the time (for me.) The big asterisk on this is to not invest yourself into something that does draw your active attention.

That probably didn’t explain much. Another example: I love reviews. I don’t know why. I can listen to a professional-sounding reviewer talk about pretty much anything and be at least marginally entertained by it. Perhaps you don’t feel that way, but give me a second.

I watch Anthony’s Customs in such circumstances. He reviews collector’s action figures and such. This is a subject I have roughly zero interest in, but that’s what makes it good for me to learn about in bad times. Watching reviews for something I do care about, say, video games I can’t afford or movies I can’t go see, just makes the crushing hopelessness worse. (I know, duh.) This ties back to the second suggestion – ingesting a review for something I desire just shines a spotlight on my inability to obtain it.

This is probably more of a simple distraction tactic than anything specifically helpful, but that’s not to say it doesn’t work. Giving the brain something else to chew, it will stop poking at the ulcers in its mouth. Imagery!

 Fourth and final suggestion, to be taken with a very large grain of salt: Embrace the Bitterness… Carefully. I’ll go ahead and put that “please hate responsibly” or “scowl in moderation” disclaimer up front and center. It’s a fairly obvious tip that I’m sure many people already act on. Maybe this is more of a warning for how to do safely.

If you’re like me, raised on the idea that negative emotions and mindsets were bad for you, then the act of feeling bad in your bad situation probably makes you feel worse. I felt like being in a bad mental place was a sign of weakness on my part, like I was failing for feeling such things.

Think back on those Saturday morning cartoon moral lessons – things like how the bully is only hateful because he has a broken home. A tragic villain, but still a villain. No, being mean to others isn’t the right way to handle your stresses; but just like the other entries above, there are “safe” alternatives.

I suggest watching channels like CinemaSins, which comedically picks apart every little thing “wrong” with movies, or looking into reviews for films or products you know are bad, just to revel in someone else’s failures. An easy suggestion would also be an RPG or something where you can choose to be the bad guy.

Heartless? Probably. Healthy? Maybe – in moderation. The guideline here is to get your catharsis from something that won’t actively hurt someone. I’m not saying to find a way to justify being an asshole, I’m just saying to find a way to come as close to being an asshole as possible.

The reason I gave those examples is because they’re as close to a victimless attack as you can get, I think. When your pent up bitterness explodes in the voice chat of Overwatch and you tell your incompetent teammate the exact number and volume of bags of dicks they can eat, that dingus Genji main might have deserved it, but he or she is still a victim, and you’re still being an asshole to them.

Meanwhile, bathing yourself in the glorious misteps of something like Mass Effect Andromeda is a reasonably healthier way to throttle that hate-boner, for a number of reasons. For one, content creators know full-well the risk they take in putting their work out there, and are usually prepared for at least some level of backlash. Second, being a passive consumer of such media, such as watching a highlight reel of ME:A’s awful facial animation, is much better for you than actively calling someone mean and hurtful things.

Therein lies my warning. As my circumstances and mental state got worse, so did my already-lacking social skills. If anger and catharsis-by-proxy are solid tools for dealing with your anguish, then use them; but be mindful of their cost. Putting on a fake smile and small-talking your way through your interactions is a horrible way to live, but the alternative is letting your problems become toxic to others around you.

That’s not to discourage reaching out to friends or family for help, but a central aspect of this post was the idea that you might not have such a network. It still applies to the randoms you meet online, though. It can do wonders to vent that bitterness and resentment; but do so in a safe, controlled manner that won’t cost you existing relationships or sour the day of someone you don’t know.

 Such were my suggestions for coping with hopelessness. I can’t offer much in the way of finding new hope to actually cure the underlying problem, primarily because that depends immeasurably on everyone’s individual trials; but also because I haven’t gotten my own ducks in a row, yet. All I can do is share what works for me and… well… hope that you might benefit from it.

 Stay safe out there.