ebony-blu

[ebony-blu]

I Remembered Something Painful/jk

So, I majored in English for my Bachelor's (2017-23). One of the requirements for my major was that English students needed to complete 4 semesters of a foreign language. I was originally going with French, but I heard Japanese was being offered that semester and swapped classes. As fun as the class was, it was a difficult course for a lot of us, so only one other student and I completed Japanese 202. Apparently, you only need a Bach in English to teach in a foreign country, and I technically qualified for this foreign language scholarship since I was intermediate in a critical language. I was too scared of leaving the country at the time, so I never applied.

I started thinking about how life might've been if I chose to go abroad...

Also, at the end of my 4th semester, they changed the requirement to only needing 2 semesters of a foreign language.

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So, I did a little oopsie. My usual eddies weren't hitting around the time they usually do, so I ended up taking another bite about 50mins in, just about 15mins before it started to kick in. I just clocked in and I'm still elevated.

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Pagans before you get into the habit of trashing "Abrahamic religions" I suggest you pause and consider the following:

Are you meaning Christianity

Are you thinking evangelicalism in the United States

Are you about to be antisemitic and/or Islamophobic

Are you looking at pagan and polytheistic religions with rose colored glasses on

Are you basing your opinions solely on your personal biases coming from your own religious and/or cultural Christian upbringing and environment

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The Summer I Spent in Chromakooopia

Just want to preface this post with a few things:

1. I live under a rock when it comes to music, artists, and celebs in general. (ie. I was confused why so many people were hyped to see Harrison Ford in Captain America since I didn't know he's Indiana Jones and Han Solo.) Also, I've never been to an actual concert, and I don't think my (alleged) anxiety would let me. 

2. Before this album (which I'm so glad my work bestie put me on to the only albums I've sat down and listened to to completion are "Whack World" by Tierra Whack, "Nevermind" by Nirvana, and "From Under the Cork Tree" by Fallout Boy. (Still my fave FOB album. Have I listened to another? No. Will I? Who knows?)

3. This is not meant to be an official review or critique. I just thought it'd be fun to try something like this, where I pick out lines from each song (where applicable) that I resonated with personally. Quite a few are serious connections, while others are more silly ones that I still resonate with.

With all that out the way, let me tell you about the summer I spent in... [Cue St. Chroma | 00:11 - 00:30]

I. St. Chroma

"Don't give a fuck about traditions, stop impressing the dead."

During my undergrad years (2017-23), I learned a lot about myself, which I feel was thanks to my distance from home. Mind you, I was close enough in case of emergencies, but far away enough to avoid surprise visits. In that time, I found that I didn't really care for organized religion, and even became averse to it. (I still tell people that churches make my skin crawl.) I wouldn't say I endured any real trauma stemming from religion growing up. It's more like... going to a public college was too much of a culture shock for me because of how little I developed socially. Religious family, religious private schools all my life (minus 3rd - 4th grade), and Boy Scouts on weekends. (Eagle Scout now. Plus, my troop operated through my church.) While there are traits I gained from that structure that I'm thankful for, I feel like I didn't learn to really think for myself and grow into my own until I was outside that box.

"I ain't never had a doubt inside me. And, if I ever told that I did, I'm fuckin' lying."

This line is like a level of confidence I wish I had now, though I like to think I'm getting there as I continue working on my passions.

II. Rah Tah Tah

"I'm a bonafide face seat, box muncher."

I don't think I need to explain this one. Just know that I felt this deeply.

"Baby, please. I ain't tough, I just thumbs up like I'm scrollin', feeds."

I want to say I don't regularly go non-verbal, but I am very quiet when meeting/hanging out with new people. There are normally times when hanging with the friends of friends that they have to ask my friend afterwards if I'm normally so quiet or if I really enjoyed myself. I like having at least one of my friends with me, so I can feel comfy enough to channel my usual energy. (Silly and vulgar.)

"And don't you all me brother, I just met you, you can keep that"

I have this motto I live by when it comes to new people, especially working in a male-dominated industry. "There's people you keep at an arm's length, people you bring to a shoulder's length, and people that are phantom limbs."

III. Noid

"Triple checkin' if I locked the door. I know every creak that's in the floor. Motherfucker, I am paranoid."

"Nervous system is shook way before nineteen"

So, I actually started college at 17, which is when I started sinking into my (alleged) social anxiety. Even when I was home for vacation, home just didn't feel as safe for some reason. It's not that I live in a bad area either, or that I made legit enemies in school. I did start to experience things like sleep paralysis and (what I think) are panic attacks. (It's like I'd get really quiet. Nothing is going on, but I just feel like I'm about to see the game over screen for some reason. Pulse quickens, I try to calm myself, but I just silently sit there fearing the end that I feel is imminent.)

IV. Darling, I

"Transparency is key, be honest"

So, I'm not poly, but I am an advocate for poly relationships. I actually thought it was strange to see so many people that are anti-poly, especially people in the Steven Universe fandom expressing how much they hate Fluorite. Not because of her design, but because she is a poly relationship. Like, hearing people call them greedy is just so off-putting to me. I did choose this line though because it's just sound advice all around. It may not even be transparency with your partner that's missing, but with yourself. (Something I had to learn.)

V. Hey Jane

"Always, always, always wear a condom. Don't trust-"

This one's also just sound advice. I haven't had a real scare and I'd like to keep that record going.

VI. I Killed You

"You the room, baby. They the motherfuckin' elephants."

I know I said this wasn't a critique, but this being a whole song about hair was just beautiful to me. I never faced issues surrounding my natural hair growing up, so I can't really point out anything that related to me. Lyrically, this was just my favorite part.

VII. Judge Judy

Without getting too personal on someone else's behalf, this song as a whole reminded me of an ex that was a lot more experienced than me. I wasn't bothered by this, I knew what she'd been through, and I saw how it still affected her.

VIII. Sticky

"Ni**a, give a fuck 'bout pronouns, I'm that ni**a and that bitch"

"Always talkin' 'bout potential, bitch, I am the better me"

I am so confused what I am. I was okay with just being a guy, but then I liked the idea of being a pretty boy that likes to work out. Then, I start being called beautiful as well as handsome and it made me feel a way I still don't understand. At this point, I just brand myself as the He(Them?) Heathen. These lines are just more of that confidence I'm seeking.

"That's a bet, skip the sex, ride my face, break my neck."

...Anyways

IX. Take Your Mask Off

"Ain't too fond of them them gay, you don't deny it, wait. Since a kid, you knew somethin' was up. Had you thinkin' God would hate you, so you covered it up."

Yeah, I had the usual early 2010's middle school experience of wanting to avoid being called gay or anything of the sort. It was a real fight to convince myself, despite being mad into MLP FIM, Winx Club, Zoey 101, trying on my mom's heels, etc. It was interesting to learn that I had so many relatives that definitely were though, and the family seemed fine with it, though there are definitely members that talk about it a dated way. 

"Tell your family why you such a recluse. Tell your spirit why you feelin' it's a wrap in the booth."

Nope, not yet. I will gladly open up to my fam more once I have my own place to stay. I'm sure being Pan/Demisexual wouldn't be an issue for them, given a good explanation. I have 3 pastors in my family. My first and middle name were chosen because they thought it sounded like a good name for a deacon or minister. That's the part I really fear expressing to them. "Yeah, I respect your faith, I just don't respect your God."

X. Tomorrow

"But don't you wait on me (Don't), I'll be fine" (x2)

"Don't you wait for me 'cause time got nothing right"

"And any pressure that you puttin' on me, I'ma tear it down."

I guess another fear about full clarity with my fam is their disappointment. I almost feel some things are owed to them, but not enough so that I'm willing to deliver. I don't want kids, I don't want to take over positions in the church though I have no problem helping out here and there because I am still grateful for my community, etc.

XI. Thought I was Dead

I haven't gone down a path in life that makes this song relatable to me, but I've probably bumped it the most when at work or when exercising. 

XII. Like Him

So... I was raised by a single parent. It wasn't an especially tough experience growing up. I had older cousins and uncles, godfathers, grandfathers, a community of men to help raise me. Hell, when I was in Boy Scouts, my mom even took up a role as one of the Scout Leaders, which was just something else she did to help contribute to my growth as a young man. It wasn't until my high school years that I asked myself, "why didn't he want me?" I recall one phone call with him in elementary school, and that he (supposedly) gifted me the saxophone I used to play during that time. Other than that, I've never heard a name, seen a photo, or ever heard that I resembled him in any way. While high school me was sad at times about this, and early college me developed genuine hatred for him, I somewhat mellowed out about the situation before I'd graduated. I mean, how could I ever know what really happened? I've met my sister's father and her extended family branching from him, I believe I've met my father's other children once and chose not to stay in contact with them since I just couldn't find kinship. I just trust that, if my family left nothing of him for me to find, it's probably best I find nothing. I'll say that it made me want to grow into someone I would've wanted as a male role model, but I could never bring myself to give thanks for his absence. 

XIII. Balloon

"Why I work so hard? My soul profits"

And trust that my soul needs the profit, because yeesh. Time's are getting tougher, and I'm just looking for a suit to press me. 

"No BBLs, I like A cups"

This is the last one, I swear. 

XIV. Hope You Find Your Way Home

"Fuck what you heard, I'm that ni**a and and I'm that bitch!"

So, that should conclude this extended self lore dump. If Chromakopia means what I think it does (Chroma + Cornucopia = A multitude of colors), this album is exactly that for me. Will I go back to older albums or keep up with newer ones? Ehhhh... I'm not too pressed about it, but this is one of my favorite albums of all time.

[ebony-blu]

My beloved, Caldarus (or Juniper) will be mine!! (I'm gonna be totally normal about them)

✨ 3rd Major Update – Coming July 21st

💖 8 Heart events and Dating are almost here! 🏹 Choose your path - friendship or romance. 👀 Who are you planning to confess to first?

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Now that I'm unbound again, check it out! I started wearing jockstraps and I LOVE them soooooooo much!

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Huh, single again. Guess it's back to my Boy Crazy Era

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In yet another attempt at learning pixel art to make pixel smut, I made this lil cyclops guy! Not sure how I feel about the proportions, but I think this is a good step forward!

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Patiently awaiting the day I can un-single him

I like how Caldarus's job is "dragon", that's his job

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Joined SpaceHey about a month ago. Still haven't finished setting up my page, but I might have some blog ideas to try.

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I forgot that Fields of Mistria is still in development and was reminded when I was finally able to ask Caldarus out for the Shooting Star Festival but I still haven't gotten past 6 hearts with him. Someday, my sweet dragon twink...

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I quit procrastinating and finally put my PNGtuber model to use! Check out my reaction to The Amazing Digital Circus ep 5!

https://youtu.be/-mAK9ltTf9A?si=-n8lw1yKVQCTaU-g

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When those college wrestling clips show up on my feed, I'm reminded that I'm no better than a straight man.

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The pain of finally finding what looks like a solid Stardew Valley alternative, only to learn that the devs were shitty to the artists behind the scenes. So much for Sun Haven.

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Forgot to update this the other day, but here's model version 4 (current). I wanted to keep the more pixelated look, so made this on a smaller canvas than version 3. I kinda love this one actually

Yet another attempt at making a PNGtuber model

Updated:

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I... wore a G-string to Pride this year. Even wore a crop top too, so I had a casual whale tail sorta thing going on. I was going to wear a jockstrap, but it hadn't arrived in time. I bought both for that purpose initially, until I realized how uncomfy G-strings really are. 10/10 would and will wear them again, but I see why they're really for special occasions. This jockstrap I'm wearing though? I'll see about ordering a couple in a smaller size, but words can't describe how good I feel wearing these.

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Here's the latest update on my PNGtuber model!

Yet another attempt at making a PNGtuber model

Updated: