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Venting again, been in PHP for over 3 months now. I feel like eating has been okay, but in body image HELL and I don't know what to do. It's so odd to be upset that I can comfortably ride public transit. Before treatment this time my spine was constantly bruised from the seat backs. Yet at the same time, I got kids shorts and they fit, tight but they fit. My stomach rolls over the edge of almost all of my pants. I want to cry over it but I just can't. I want nothing more than to turn off my ability to think for a day.

I want to recover. Really I do, but I don't know if I can. Sure I'm eating regularly, gained a lot, my body is stable. But since restarting treatment in December BEGGING to work on body image, it feels like nothing has really been done. I got an assignment about values and literally put on the sheet "yea I know I'm cool and all that as a person, but I hate my body and I need help to work on that". When I left res and stepped down, the first thing I told my current therapist was that I need to work on body image. I said it all through the first and second times in treatment too. At least back then one of them said I could get the body image workbook. Didn't get any help with it though.

I'm sick of hating my body all the time. I will always hate it to an extent, I'm disabled, I'm not cis, and not binary either. There's no resolve for those. But if I could reach a point of "oh hey I'm really struggling with how I look but I know I don't need to lose weight and am comfortable with that" would do SO much. Cause I've been in this cycle for a while. Hate the body, starve, feel okay with the body but dying, go to treatment, rinse and repeat.

It's like the program just ignores so much of what eating disorders actually are. Recently we had ONE group about binging. That's the only time a behavior has really even been named in this stay, going on 5 months soon. Otherwise it's just us clients processing and going "I really struggled with behaviors over the weekend". Even in individual session it barely gets talked about. Sure you don't want people to share tips and whatever, but at a certain point it's worse to not be able to talk about the struggles. Unable to talk openly with the group of "I just can't get myself to eat enough at home recently and I don't know what changed" you HAVE to just say "I've been struggling with behaviors" and get some vague "yea me too, it's tough" from the other clients and some "what can you do to cope" from the staff.

I hate it all so much. And the staff at the facility I go to have mostly left so we have a bunch of new people who have never worked in the field before. Most of the trainees want to go into family therapy anyways. We clients have had to call them out for saying horrendously harmful shit MULTIPLE TIMES. Almost all of us talk about leaving over it all. A group of people fighting so hard to recover, everyone in there wants to get better. But with everything it feels so stagnant.

I might have it the worst situationally. The apartment I'm in is through the program, I cannot leave if I want to stay in this state. Going home would be far more harmful. I am stuck here. Seeing people enter and leave, some graduating cause they're doing well, some going into res, some leave cause they have to return to work. I'm not even allowed to have anyone cross the threshold of the door. I could have roommates of people in the program, this is a 3 bedroom, but I've been all alone for 3 months. This is the only time I've lived on my own. I can't move out away from family back home, I can't get a job, I don't know if I can go to uni. I don't even know when I go home. Once I leave the program god knows when, I have to stay in the US for a while til I can get a flight all the way back.

And I have yet to meet another human, in person or online who knows this feeling. Yes I will go home in peace, but I don't get to have any clue when. I met one doctor for one appointment who's been to the place overseas I moved to. None of my friends over there have been over here. Closest I have is one friend who did a year at a college in England. I'm not even in my home state. When I leave here I go to my mom's hometown to live with her and my grandma til we leave. And I just get to pray I'm stable enough to handle all of that on my own til I get all the way back and can resume seeing my old therapist. She's not even an ed therapist but I feel like I did better work with her.

All in all I'm very sad right now. I feel like I can't talk to anyone about it. At least in a meaningful way. Insomnia is not helping and seemingly nutrition and meds aren't either. Yes I will try talking to my therapist about this but like I mentioned above, we'll see how that goes cause I have little hope.

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Hey yall, I've been out of residential for a little bit now, onto PHP, but it is kicking my assssss

Family came to visit me and I really fuckin tried but I couldn't eat to my meal plan. The dietician is having me come in early on Monday to eat breakfast at program with the IOP folks. RIP to my sleep cause I gotta catch the 8am bus instead of the 8 30 one.

Other than that, I am really trying to recover, I made some good progress and met some good friends, still underweight and got mixed feelings on that. All I know is that I'm still on weight gain and visually I know I still have a ways to go o7

Plus, very importantly: I'M BACK TO BEING ON MEDS FINALLYYYY!!

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Hey yall, been traveling a lawt recently and it's been hard to stay committed 😭 also back in imperial units on all the scales. So I'm at 101.5 today, only 46kg but over 45 again :( .

I go into treatment in 2 days, so I gotta learn to be okay with that, but fuuuck, it already feels like I gained so much and I hate itttttttt, they're gonna make me go back to minimum 135, most likely up to 140, I really don't wanna do it but I put myself in and I am committed to recovery

I'm just really fuckin resistant to it rn cause reality is hittin me. I've been out *and* living in Europe the past 2 years, going to the same facility again and I know it's changed, but I'm so nervous and excited?

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I feel like such a fucking failure. I'm home alone for a week and haven't been in control of my eating nearly enough. It's Wednesday and I've been gaining, tomorrow I'm gonna attempt to keep this fast for as long as I can. Plus going to the aquarium to get steps in. I'm leaving on Saturday to go back home/into treatment. So I really need to go tomorrow before I won't have the chance til spring.

I am so sick of living like this, this shitty limbo between heavy restriction and fasting, binging out of control, and eating enough to maintain. I just need to be skinny when I go home.

I need to fuckin lock in with ana, drinking miralax now, I can't purge so it's the best I can do, I am determined to at least get back to 44kg before I leave.

(Motivation comments encouraged, mean or sweet, I just need to get back into the flow)

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how i eat knowing im gonna be sobbing looking in the mirror when im done:

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Spent the weekend at a friend's place to watch f1 and now I'm terrified to check the scale. I even got sick through the night so I couldn't eat or keep anything in

My friend was super sweet and gave me some meds to take, but my dumbass ate as soon as I got home 😭 I should've at least weighed in, last I checked was on Thursday before I left

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hiiiii I was t worded I used to be co-dependency

please help me find my moots <3<3<3

And always remember, block don't report, we will just most likely make new accounts. You're not helping anybody by reporting us. You're actually just making it worse by making us feel even more alone.

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Did a 26 hour fast today! Plus 13k steps!! Feeling really proud of that. But I was an idiot and didn't weigh myself before eating, so who knows what the scale will say in the morning. Had around 1100kcals today, not happy about it but the walking and fasting should even it out decently.

But today I got my medical form and labs for treatment done! Kinda wild to think I'm working on going back while also getting fully disordered again

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I want to be just like you...

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Gonna lose my SHIT

I had therapy today and she was like "hey if you can't agree to eat more going forward, I might have us stop seeing each other til you get back from treatment". Like maam? I think that's a Bad Idea

But she also gave me the assignment to body check, take pics and compare it to the same outfit from June, so like ??? Wild times, but I threw out all that progress and binged 😭

I gotta get stronger than the munchies

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Chciałam bardzo podziękować za 100 obs🤍

Łapcie jakieś thinspø

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"Wow I'm on track and doing well with my weight loss! This is wonderful!"

Then boom, two days in a row of family bringing home fast food for dinner 🙃

Guess I'm pacing around my room til they get here, got like no energy but fuck it, I refuse to gain weight from this

I will see my chest bones. <3