eighttwenty-four

[eighttwenty-four]

For all the things we didn't talk about, I wish you had told me you were on your way out

[eighttwenty-four]

How do you get over a friendship that ended with no due reasons in sight? How do you deal with suddenly being out of the life of someone you loved?

[eighttwenty-four]

What we couldn't be// 15 May, 2021

It's been ten days since we last talked. It usually takes you less than that to dial my name again. But, that's okay. You're busy now and have a world that exceeds the geographical diameters of mine. So, it's okay because I am hoping they're keeping you fine.

But, at the risk of losing you to time-zones and overdue revelations, I wrote you a list of things I never said to you;

i) When I read a book, I turn it upside down so that the next time, I pick it up from right where I left. But, since the past few days, I've only flipped- not read. I've only thought-not said. It's as if words are just that when not said for, by, or about you. Because I'm afraid that it's as if fiction is as real as it gets when I'm not with you.

ii) I'm not going to lie to you, roses were my favourite until you sent me a photo of the sunflowers in your backyard. Oh hell, I started staying outside for a little longer when you sent me a photo of the moon and said you tried to look at it as I would.

iii) I type, and I erase. And, if I send, I delete. But I hope you catch me in the act on one of these days. I hope you tell me to say what's on my mind and to feel what you'll never allow. I hope you're willing to listen without raising questions I've been running from.

iv) I told you I'd only miss you on Tuesdays and Thursdays, but my calendar doesn't accept these reminders. Because, each night is worse than the day before, and each dream is a hope covered in delusion like never before.

v) Sometimes when I am on the road at night, I change my path midway just because you and I walked- arms linked - past the 7/11 store that one time. I haven't really stopped thinking about it since then.

vi) There's a blazer that hangs behind the closet door. Ma says I should give it to the dry cleaners, but it's the one you gave me at the parking lot at the airport. It's really all the good takeaways I have from that drive. That, and the bittersweet taste of the sourest candy you could find at the vending machine. I ate it as we waited for you to call us and tell us you've boarded- to be gone for good.

vii) I didn't sleep that night when you hung up in the middle of my sentence saying you'll call me back. I hugged my pillow and stared at the screen all night. I waited, and then some more, for a sound I never heard. Or, a text I never got. This has happened one too many times.

viii) Maybe I loved you because being with you meant realising that I was not okay with being the only constant in my life. And, now that you're gone, I'm not sure if I even have myself to lean back on.

If you've read this so far, I miss you. I know you have to be gone, but I am not okay with being left again. I've yearned for a lot in the past. Yearned, never begged. But, please don't leave me. Please tell me you still call this your home. And, please, for the love of everything, tell me that sometimes when you look at the moon, you still see what I would've seen. Because, I hum the songs you'd sing to me, and I draw sunflowers to not think about what we couldn't be.

[eighttwenty-four]

I hope you think of me as more than a mutual and someone you should send photos of your pet to <3

[eighttwenty-four]

Today, I want to hear your thoughts. How do you make people your strength? How do you tell yourself that it's okay to want people, and more when they don't want you?

Tell me what keeps you up at night.

[eighttwenty-four]

pictures that make me love people a whole lot

[eighttwenty-four]

ok but friends who are basically family>>>

[eighttwenty-four]

If you're reading this, i hope you know that I'm really glad we exist at the same time <3

[eighttwenty-four]

one day, you will be able to say ‘i made it.’ and until then, i really want you to hold on to whatever it is that you dream of.

[eighttwenty-four]

‘nocturne op. 9 no. 2’ by chopin but you’re in a hotel lobby avoiding the rain on a cold night in an unfamiliar city, captivated by the soft piano music that reminds you of home.

[eighttwenty-four]

illegible handwriting, coffee rings on notebooks, putting gloves on only to take them off again, dark lipstick, maurice (1987), walking to class when it’s not raining enough for an umbrella but just enough to fog up your glasses, stone buildings, leaves that aren’t quite crunchy, deadlines, pen smudges, leaving class only to find out its dark outside, cinnamon, cold noses, swaying trees, half moons, cuffed sleeves, silence 

[eighttwenty-four]

as much as the world fails you, never regret having a good heart. 

[eighttwenty-four]

finally going back to reading novels

[eighttwenty-four]

the only thing motivating me to study

[eighttwenty-four]

some people... write bad poetry in their notes app... to cope

[eighttwenty-four]

not your average math session