empressofdiamonds

[empressofdiamonds]

Hi moira! I'm 25 yrs old going on the first date of my life in a few days and I wanted to ask: what sort of green flags should I look for throughout and after the date to know if he's someone I would want to see again? what sort of gut feelings do you get after leaving a good date? thanks <3

Hey, that's exciting for you!

I'm more all about dynamics rather than strict checkpoints when it comes to relationships, because not everyone is the same, not two dates are the same.

Below, I am listing some questions, this is not a quiz but a self-introspection exercise.

Is he...:

Calm? Focused on you? Not making you feel like you're wasting your time or his time?

Asking questions about you? Is he interested in what you're saying? Is he opening up conversations?

Making you feel secure? Is he making necessary steps to ensure your safety? Is he saying some weird stuff that could be interpreted differently?

Stable on his own convictions, beliefs, values? Does he have good values that align with yours? Are there differences of values between you two, and if yes, how do you feel about it?

Polite in his manners towards you, employees and other people? Is he talking about others in high respect?

Does he still talk about others in respectful manners even if he doesn't like them that much? Generally I don't ever tolerate people that insult others, even if the other person was awful. I prefer if it's more of a "This person wasn't the greatest person to be around" instead of "this person is a lowlife b*tch". High value people will still respect others even if they're awful, what they will do instead is just not be around them, simply.

Taking care of payments, organization, etc of the date itself? Is he ensuring dating is child's play for you? Dating's goal should be to woo you.

Ensuring you're enjoying the date, without being insecure about it?

Are you...

Feeling relaxed, not stressed about anything about the date?

Not feeling in doubt about him? No doubts, no "maybeee", no "I don't know..."?

Feeling a good dynamic between you and him?

Feeling secure, safe, well surrounded?

Excited at the idea of spending time with him, enjoying his company?

Feeling satisfied after the date?

Feeling respected by him? Did he make things about himself? Had he manners? Did he address to you respectfully? Did he respect your consent when necessary? Did he respect your boundaries?

Feeling aligned with who you are, what your values are? Are you feeling yourself bending upon your own values?

Feeling insecure about retaining his attention? If yes, why exactly?

There's so many more questions but the main, principal point to consider is to be finely tuned on your own emotions and feelings. If you're feeling some negative emotion, PAUSE and ask yourself what's going on.

[empressofdiamonds]

I went, I came back, I won it all.

I finished it all! I'm so proud of my self and I've accomplished my goals I had since January.

I made this giant dollar store poster with goals I stuck up my door to remind myself what actually matters and I'm so freaking proud of myself for actually finishing it all. I can't say much about what I'm doing as it is easily doxxing material but YESH YAY YESSS

[empressofdiamonds]

So I started working this job not too long ago and there is a coworker that I've always thought was kinda cute and had conversations with here and there. He got my number a little while ago as part of a "work group chat" (which I think was a ploy to get my number without directly asking) and texted me one day asking if I wanted to hang out with him and a group of people if I knew anyone because he wanted to expand his circle. I couldn't really find anywhere to go so I didn't respond. He asked me if we could go somewhere together because he just wanted to get out of the house and I agreed, so we went to this little bar and restaurant. It was a bit awkward but he and I tried to make conversation. Long story short, we ended up tipsy and high off weed and I was too flirtatious and sexual, much more than I would've been sober. Things didn't escalate beyond him kissing me and being touchy feely, and we also exchanged explicit messages later on that night. He apologized the next day and I told him I just want to be friends because I don't want to get attached which he was fine with. I could be overthinking but I'm worried that things will be weird at work now and I also strangely enough feel guilty because of my Christian background and disappointed because I quit smoking weed weeks ago because it wasn't benefitting me and just used this outing as an excuse. What would you do if you were in my shoes?

Several comments:

1. Don't shit where you eat. Keep personal life and professional life completely separate. You do NOT want your means of independence tied to a coworker or boss or colleague etc.

2. Now that it's done, keep things absolutely CLEAN everywhere, aka don't ever talk about it, keep to your word, you stay friends and that's it. CLEAN. No references nothing whatsoever. He's probably feeling hella awk about it too, so for both of you sakes keep it clean.

3. You relapsed on your weed habit. It does happen, it's not the end of the world so just get back on your sobriety journey. Relapses feel life failures but it's part of the sobriety process because you learn what works and what doesn't. You used the outing excuse as a way to relapse, telling yourself "oh the vibes are okay, I'll just restart, whatever"... Remember why you did start this journey to begin with. Was it because you wanted to keep a clear head? Because you wanted to chill down on spending for weed? Ask yourself questions, it's free and can reveal a ton.

I went on an alcohol sobriety journey myself and I know how it feels, you're not alone 💗

4. Get a STD test!!!!! Better discover it early and treat it asap than too late!

[empressofdiamonds]

What’s the dgs discord and can I join? 🫠

https://discord.com/invite/mdQ94jhf

[empressofdiamonds]

Nevermind it's still there!

I just noticed the DGS discord is likely to be disabled, due to my own account banning (because of trolls). I'm sorry for the distress potentially caused by that... For the moment being I'll appeal the decision, but do you all want me to create a new discord group?

Let me know in comments or asks.

[empressofdiamonds]

hey, can I ask for your input on something?

Certainly

[empressofdiamonds]

DESIDERATA

Go placidly amid the noise and the haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence. As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons.

Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even to the dull and the ignorant; they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons; they are vexatious to the spirit. If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain or bitter, for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.

Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals, and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment, it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth.

Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here.

And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should. Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be. And whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul. With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

by Max Ehrmann, 1927

[empressofdiamonds]

I am about to start a new step in my life. Major step. This is gonna be like mind lockdown for 5-6 months-ish. I'm kinda afraid of it, but at the same time, so so so looking forward to it.

I used the mind lockdown in the most critical times of my life and basically I just denied myself everything that I knew were time wasters, uninstalled every single thing off my phone, locked away my phone, just plainly dedicated my days and evenings to my main goals. Focus focus focus tunnel vision only goals in mind and that's it. No games, what the hell youtube even is, what the hell facebook is? No I don't know what (cheap pleasure I gotta avoid). No I'm some old timer baby I don't even know all of those.

[empressofdiamonds]

this day is no different from 60 days ago, or 345 days ago, but still is very important. Keep doing what you were doing, don't be spartan right off the bat. You can do it, whatever you're doing <3

[empressofdiamonds]

Loved your answer in your previous post! When you said Renaissance Women, did you mean a knowledge of the arts and a jack of all trade master of few approach? How did you achieve that exactly if I can ask?

A Renaissance woman was well versed, proficient in a lot of domains, and seeked for higher knowledge at all times, just because they can. They studied arts, medecine, science, astronomy, politics, mathematics, philosophy, and so on. The Lumières ideal of the human was a creature that went beyond their mere human nature. They wished society advanced beyond bare basics.

I basically strive to know as much as possible, have accurate knowledge (beyond what 30 seconds "educative" tiktoks will teach you, there's only so much to fit within that timeframe.), and I consider myself well versed in several domains, only because of my interest in them. I basically study informally, out of curiosity, in my free time. That's it. It's that simple. You don't need to sit down and screw things into your mind to learn, you learn best from interest.

[empressofdiamonds]

I recently ended a friendship in early 2023 with someone that did subtle things like that, but constantly, consistently, all the time. Once I ended the friendship I could feel the load lifting up, and I realized how badly this friend dragged me down.

You're gonna hurt this friend if you leave, but if you stay you're hurting yourself. Save yourself before helping others babe.

As Pretty said, the fact you're sending an anon about it, means it's time.

Do you have any advice one how to let go of friendships?

It’s tough because my friend is genuinely a great person but our life’s just no longer match any more!

I met them in 2021 on Instagram while I was going through a pretty bad depression patch, since then I’ve pulled myself out of that and I’m so proud! For the most part I’ve left a lot in the past but I thought we’d still remain because of how great I thought out friendship was.

Unfortunately, things just haven’t worked that way. I don’t spend much time on my phone anymore and when I don’t text her she gets upset. She’s pretty irresponsible with her money and when I try to stray her away from making a bad decision she just ignores the message so I get the impression she’s didn’t like what I said. As of late I’ve been trying to go to bed before 8 but saying good night to her is like pulling teeth because she responds with “Nooo” or “:(“

They’ve for the most part been a great friend to me but the way our life’s are just aren’t the same anymore. I also don’t wanna hurt her by leaving but what else is there to do.

Just because someone is a great person doesn’t mean you aren’t allowed to release them from your life. It’s not just reserved for bad people or those who are doing you wrong. Learn that now.

If you’re not feeling her all the way and she’s bothering you to the point where you have to come online and ask a stranger about it, that’s enough of a reason to fall back. We aren’t required to have our peace disturbed by everyone just because they aren’t technically a bad person. You don’t need permission to acknowledge that she isn’t genuinely the company you want to keep. Learn this skill so you can utilize it with bosses and romantic partners and overbearing family members.

[empressofdiamonds]

hi, i hope you're having a good day. lately i see a lot of people talking about networking so ive gotten a bit curious about it. im a freshman in college and i come from an average family and background, but the career i dream of requires a lot of connections and influence. is there anything i can do as an 18 years old or is it a bit too early for me to consider these things?

Babe, networking isn't that grandiose moment. You do it everyday, and it is important to start ANY day (aka: don't wait) It's basically meeting new people, going OUT to seminars, conventions, parties, volunteering, giving your time to charities (organization, committees, etc) etc, and making friends and acquaintances, in a sincere way (if you're seeking people just because you want them as network nodes, it will stink). You're out there, being interested in what others are doing, and you're sharing what you're doing. Then you upkeep those relationships, talking to them, all that basic stuff. Then time comes you need them, you'll have friends that will help you out by connecting you to the people you need. Don't overcomplicate it and be sincere.

[empressofdiamonds]

What’s your ideal self like (if you’re not her already)?

I believe I'm at a point where I'm already pretty satisfied of myself, I'm at that "click" place. It took several years to get to that point.

Tea time every morning, I start off my day with a good tea, at least one hour to just drink and read a book. And I mean, not awful bagged tea (some brands out there are okay actually, but you gotta find them)

Healthy meals that I actually enjoy, every meal. Sometimes I indulge but with friends. At home, I mostly cook myself some healthy homey meals that I actually enjoy.

Knowledgable and fluent in several languages (currently learning my third). It is still an ongoing process, I think my end goal is to make it four languages. (French, English, German, Japanese)

I am very tidy in everything I do, I budget consciously, everything is steamlined, there's 0 stress in my daily life which leaves me more mental space to focus on what actually matters.

JOURNALING! Now I'm so much more able to refuse, to express boundaries, to reflect and apply the smartest solutions, I'm so much more posed, poised, just because I take time to reassert myself on a daily, almost bidaily basis.

A few years back, I wanted my ideal self to be this educated babe, and to be honest, I think I'm there where I wanted to be. I am pretty versed in several unconnected domains (science, medecine, computer science, languages, arts), and I've realized I went the whole Renaissance woman route without realizing it.

Body wise I'm very satisfied of my body, and I've gotten over my past self-confidence issues and saw me for who I was, and damn girl, I'm sure lot of us think we're meh/ugly but we actually are pretty! A ton of women are actually cuties 🥰.

I've started travelling this year, which was something I always wanted to do, but I'm still waiting on my passport (it's being processed!). Next year I'm going to France with my mother, and Hawaii with some friends (Still not certain!). In 2025, I'm going to Japan for a long stay with my new partner, for at least 3 months

I've learned that instead of constantly seeing work to do in myself, it is more productive to first assert where I was at, congratulate myself for getting there, then from there, determine the next steps to a higher self. The steps therefore seem much more doable.

[empressofdiamonds]

Emotional contamination

You are responsible of your own life. Not other's. No one is REQUIRED to take care of yours, so why do theirs?

Your emotions influence how you live through your day. Either you let them dominate, and pass from one emotion to another (and be.under constant tension&stress), or you let them go when it's time, learn your lessons, and continue on with your day.

If you're careful of how you compartmentalize your day, you'll have overall better days compared to before. Letting go of anger, sadness, jealousy is compartmentalizing.

Constant excercise of this skill makes you better at it, and you'll be able to curate better your own life. Don't despair if you can't let go of things right away. This comes with exercise and previous experience ("I did that, therefore I can do this"). Give yourself grace.

Other's emotions also influence you, your day, and your life. Other's actions are (for most people) projections of their values and their emotions. If they're looking at the world through an angry lens, they're also contaminating you, with their interactions with you. So on for other emotions, positive or negative.

Some people consciously raise up negative emotions in you as a way to get dominion over you. It's sometimes very discreet.

You may be excellent at controlling your own self, your mind, letting go and finding lessons in everything, but all these efforts are doubled, or tripled when you surround yourself with people that just can't do the same as you, because you both have to take care of yourself AND offset their projections onto you.

People: family, ex you keep around, friends, partner. No one is spared in the eye of the glowupper.

That's why I strongly recommend to just snip them off or keep them far away from your inner space.

If you don't have to offset the projections produced by people unable to handle their own, it means you have extra time, mental space and energy to dedicate into other essential endeavours.

Those that are aware of their emotions, know how to take care of them, and protect other's minds from their own when it's gone bad, are rare but you'll notice them right away.

So, maybe it may be painful at first, but it's better being alone than surrounded by miserable people. The perks come later and in unexpected ways. Looks like a bad deal at the moment, but one gotta learn how to think further than the next day.

Other's pains and anger isn't your issue to solve. You aren't their mom. They're not your responsibility.

I am in no way saying that the ideal is to be in plain bliss all the time. Feelings are intrinsically human, but what we can control is how we act about those, and what space they'll occupy in the psyche.

Some people focus on others pains as a way to avoid confronting their own issues, they think "hey, I'm a good person I help others" but the best helpers are those that help themselves first. If you're one of those, this post is specifically pointed for you.

💎

[empressofdiamonds]

I'll repeat it again

If you find yourself having to type out whole thick paragraphs, going on Spiels to explain yourself in your relationship with someone, THAT by itself is a sign it needs to be examined more and simplified more. Your relationship shouldn't be bible thick, and you shouldn't feel confused, unsure, uncertain about it. Keep it simple. Don't assume things, take things as they are, as objectively as you can.

I get lots of anons that are incredibly thick and reading about halfway I already know what's the issue. It's right there in the text. Often it's plain disrespect but the asker is explaining it away, minimizing it, instead of facing it upfront. I just don't answer those sorts of anons because it's always the same thing every time. I suggest you read my content and take a good ole fashioned step back, breathe and hard look at your own situation.

[empressofdiamonds]

Psyche tidy up

Giving yourself grace when you fail, and getting back at it right away. Failures are part of the perfection path.

Doing things not because you "must" but because you know why.

Unclenching your muscles on a frequent basis and normalizing being in stressful situations, like a boss babe. You know they're stressful but you don't let them get in the way to your goal.

Identifying your triggers, and recognizing them. You don't navigate life anymore from one trigger to another in a constant state of stress-anxiety. You know some stuff is triggering an emotional response but you answer to the rational thoughts. "Yes, I know this thing is triggering me. Worst outcome may come but I can deal with it no biggie. I rehashed many times my responses. "

Recognizing your emotions, but not letting them take up all your emotional mindspace. "Yes I'm angry, this thing happened and it caused me to feel unlistened to, I give myself a few minutes to breathe in silence, then think of the best action that'll benefit me"

The more you let emotions and triggers take up space in your day, the less you'll be able to live your life, but it isn't a excuse to avoid them squarely; you're also not living your life in extreme avoidance of them. Facing them upfront, as distressing as it may be, will lead to a quieter simpler life later.

Answer your truth: if you viscerally don't like something, do/say something. You do not have to do actions that go against what you stand/believe for.

[empressofdiamonds]

I've noticed there's pushback against what I consider to be hypergamyish-style self improv content... I don't know what exact word would fit this style of self-improvement that's centered on the *self* first before anything. To some people it may be considered as an marker of narcissism, but personnaly I don't think it is narc; to optimally help others you must help yourself first, and to do so, sometimes you gotta be the bad girl. Refuse to exert your energy into useless ventures, only accept those ventures you know will flourish.

There's this weird expectation onto women to be Mother Theresa's, giving all of ourselves without expecting any in return, not doing anything for ourselves. How come men aren't expected to do that?

It is NOT narc to say, hey, I want my needs to be answered for first before I help others have their needs accomplished. There's balance to be brought back to women's souls.