Be decisive. Decide any number of tiny things. Stick to as many as you can, stay committed to your small and large decisions.
Notice there is an absence of anxiety regarding pending indecision, or second-guessing small decisions made in haste at the last possible moment.
Plotted quietly and calmly, be decisive.
Make what you will of the results of the decisions, mostly tiny moments of trial and error leading to even better small decisions.
Mapped out a week or two in advance, scored in a few words in little digital places, see them appear on your wrist, stored away yet available to review.
Shadows glide over reflected fragments of the view outside. This vehicle moves in a loop, Collecting some passengers, and leaving some behind. A book, barely lit by the window, drowns out the journey with words. A makeshift bookmark, a recycled price tag, held gently between two fingers, bright yellow, covered in tiny printed text of its own. Larger words reach out and rotate out of sight as billboards and signs roll in and out of view. I’ve got my favourite song playing in my cheap headphones while I travel to meet you. I’ve run out of words, surrounded by them, they add up and some don’t mind being left over. Guided gently by this sound, a second loop of transport, light, shade and heat. I write a few down. I get off the bus, and begin to walk along a dusty road. Her name is Sarah. at least that is the name on the name tag I walk past, fixed to the ground, written in marker, crumpled. She is an unread pamphlet torn in half. The missing corner of a note or list. A spot where two people stopped and kissed. She is a quiet street, with passing cars. A tough surface with tiny scars. I walk beside her, now and then. Footsteps adding up until the moment when. until we meet again.
"No one will come and save you. No one will come riding on a white horse and take all your worries away. You have to save yourself, little by little, day by day. Build yourself a home. Take care of your body. Find something to work on. Something that makes you excited, something you want to learn. Get yourself some books and learn them by heart. Get to know the author, where he grew up, what books he read himself. Take yourself out for dinner. Dress up for no one but you and simply feel nice. it’s a lovely feeling, to feel pretty. You don’t need anyone to confirm it."
On an ordinary day I find myself visiting the depths of absolute sadness. It might only be for a few minutes but it is still real.
I walk back up a mountain of related emotions and wonder how I ended up in these strange lands.
Is this just what garden variety loneliness feels like?
The void, who has been there walking with me this whole time, holding my hand in fact, lets my fingers slip from theirs and takes a few steps back. I suddenly realize how close the void and I have been getting, inseparable in fact. And yet, for a moment, I’m not in their arms.
Is this just what it feels like to pause a moment and notice just how much I am doing life on my own.
On my own, without more than a hint of external guidance or support, but also on my own terms, in whatever way I feel works for me.
I take a deep breath and seriously wonder how long a moment like this can last. If you just stop and watch it, notice it. This deep, completely silent, emptiness. Like a whole universe exists where you remain alone, visited briefly by friendly phantoms who never quite pull you free.
On an ordinary day I find myself feeling this way.
And maybe a few days later, among friends, I feel a whole lot less connected to this emptiness I can’t help but hold onto every other day.
Life as an adult in this world sure is an interesting challenge. Jumping from work day to work day, attempting to land each jump. The platforming nature of it all like something in one of those Crash Bandicoot games. All the while life itself beckons from what feels like just beyond our point of view. When I do catch my breath and see the forest from the trees for a moment it is actually so simple.
I want to practice my life, whatever it ends up looking like, as an ongoing act of Karma Yoga. My understanding of what this is all about comes from some great teachers, my favourite being someone named Ram Dass, author of an amazing underground book titled ‘Be Here Now’.
There are so many sources of compatible information out there and the more you lean in the more signs, helpful reminders and teachings seem to find you.
For example: According to the Bhagavad Gita, selfless service to the right cause and like-minded others, with the right feeling and right attitude, is a form of worship and spirituality. This is a way to live, and make every moment matter on a deeply spiritual level.
No matter what kind of wild week of misfortune I may have had, or twist to turn that takes place in my life. More and more I come back to this same idea. And then I dive in explore it enough to resume practicing it again more consciously.
Other times you get a lesson in patience, timing, alignment, empathy, compassion, faith, perseverance, resilience, humility, trust, meaning, awareness, resistance, purpose, clarity, grief, beauty and life.