evelynking - Tumblr blog

[evelynking]

The Vulnerability in Change & Questions in Me

I never really expected to find myself sitting in the bathroom and contemplating my very being at 25. I used to be so sure of myself and so comfortable in who I had grown to be. It took me a lot of hard work to get to that point and if there is one thing about me, it’s that I am not one to give up on something I worked so hard for. Especially when that’s…myself?

This has been a growing subject for a bit. It started in the back of my head as a whisper and has now gone all the way behind my eyes and made me see myself in different colors and different lights. And I am questioning all of it. Have I been so devoutly me that I’ve forgotten to acknowledge that not everyone’s going to like or understand that? Have I taken years of pain and previous difficult experiences and made them massive triggers for such simple things? Am I still just unsure of who I am? Has my comfortability in knowing me just been a really bad act? And worst of all…

Am I not the kind, good, thoughtful, empathetic person I swore I was?

Maybe the quarter-life crisis is a real thing. Maybe I’m struggling to understand that I am actually seen as an adult now and that, for some reason, adults don’t get seen as having such big personalities. Or maybe I’m using that as an excuse. I went through a massive phase of self discovery and uncovered this proud, defiant, loud, loving, caring, thoughtful, well spoken, unashamed person I never thought I could be. To find my voice and use it in a difficult situation or to walk into a room I’d usually be anxious about and be someone leading and engaging in conversation were things I could only dream of. Things I envied came naturally to others.

I found those traits and leaned so far and so hard into them that I cannot imagine pulling back. And then I face situations where I have to remove parts of me and be someone else. Be something else. I am a huge fan of the word “genuine” and that’s all I ever want to be—it’s what I never got to be before. I want to be multidimensional and to be the same Evelyn in every single space as I am in another. I don’t want to hide parts of me.

And that’s quite selfish and ignorant. It’s immensely hard to accept that I am flawed in a way of not understanding that sometimes hiding things is what is normal and expected. Sometimes you have to be a certain version of yourself in specific settings. Sometimes all of you doesn’t work; just some of you. It’s a hard lesson to learn and I am, for whatever reason, making it even harder and a bigger problem than it is. To be author me, work me, friend me, wife me, mom me, and just me requires different things at different times. Is it negligent or ridiculous to hate that? Is it embarrassing and immature to have not figured that out by now?

Or is it that defiant trait that makes me look back at all the times and all the places I suffocated in because I boxed myself up like that and say, no, I’m not doing that again. I worked so long and so hard to love and accept and just find myself for nothing if I go back to being flat and shifting from one version of Evelyn to the next. Do I lack discipline and rationality and self awareness to not understand that the separation is not only necessary, but also good?

I don’t know. I don’t think I expected all of the amazing growth and revelations I found being 23 to turn into a really difficult wake up call. And I don’t know if it’s entirely fair or true or right to think of it like that.

I fear I don’t know who I am and that 25 year old me is somehow the lesser version of myself. I feel lost and confused and it’s so childish. I don’t mean or want or need this to come off as self pitying or pathetic. Of all the things I’m worried about or questioning, my vulnerability, thoughtfulness, and openness when it comes to sharing my experiences and views are not included. I’m a firm believer that sharing these intimate things is incredibly valuable and necessary. It means so much more to be willing to talk about it than to keep it locked up. You don’t know how many people have the same thoughts and need to see someone else vocalize (or write) them. I like to think that part of my purpose in this world is to be the one to do that.

I wish I had some wonderful conclusion or any insight or wisdom to share about navigating this but I…I don’t. Because I don’t even know what it means. I don’t know how to proceed. I only know that 25 is pushing me to a new point of figuring out who I am and who I need to be but it isn’t easy this time. It isn’t clear. I think it might be a slight identity crisis. Or maybe it’s just a really bad day.

[evelynking]

Launch!

I think the last time I was active on tumblr was back during the height of Sims 3 before I got super involved in my career. The interest and engagement in my old blogs faded and became less and less important as I got older. But if using it as a way to connect and promote works for Mike Flanagan, it'll work for me.

I'm trying to learn more and be better at marketing myself. It may be part of my job, but it is so miserable to navigate when the tables are turned and I am the subject of promotion. I've read so many articles and advice columns on how to market yourself as an author and I just...don't feel like most of the suggestions really fit me. I'm not the type of person to create some sort of persona to chase success--I did that early on in my management career and it was so exhausting and caused some confusion with who I really was.

I scrolled through the socials of some of my favorite authors and didn't find any of it to fit me or my books. Some lacked personality, some had just bland posts, and some were so successful that they didn't need to mention their work hardly ever.

In the midst of being bummed out and blaming myself for the challenges of promoting my work and series, being upset that more people didn't engage, being horrified when I didn't get royalties for the first time, and wondering why people were more likely to like or comment on posts where I shared my thoughts and experiences, it somehow clicked.

A blog. Sharing the experiences and processes of being a writer, discussing my journey through navigating motherhood for the first time, sharing insights on mental health, and rambling on about general thoughts and worldviews. That's me. That's what I want when I follow someone because of their art. I want a glimpse at who they are and not just what they do.

Human connection and the feeling of making a difference are things I find so incredibly important that I have sought out gratification and, at times, been overwhelmingly desperate to share them myself. It is overwhelming to put yourself in a box of only being able to discuss certain things or having to create a very rigid brand for yourself, and I think that's where my blocks have stemmed from after all these years. So I just...don't want to do it anymore.

I can be multifaceted and multidimensional. I can be expressive of so many different interests and thoughts while marketing myself as an author. I can meld all of it together and host it on a platform better geared toward accomplishing the goals I have with that.

So let's launch it.