everything-makes-me-anxious

[everything-makes-me-anxious]

I'm really suicidal. Its always right below the surface.

The only thing aside from failure, that keeps me from trying as often as I would like, is the thought that the only thing lonelier and darker than life is death. And I'm scared of that loneliness as I am with just regular feelings of being alone.

Killing yourself isn't as cowardly as people think it is. You have to have completely ruled out every shred of hope that life isn't better than death, to do it. You have to know that the world isn't lost without you, that maybe it is better off, financially and emotionally, without you. I've mastered that latter feeling, at least

[everything-makes-me-anxious]

So to follow up my predicament of "how the fuck do I spend my time?!", I'm taking a small break from Sherlock and Sherlockian pursuits. I was starting to get sick of the stories anyway, and so I knew that was s sign to stop for a while.

I'm reading and listening to a lot of history and political and social books. From Hamilton to Grant (both by Chernow) to uncomfortable but necessary examinations of our current divide, from left leaning or even conservative politicians, as in "The Coddling of the American Mind" to Senator Sasse's "Them".

As this blog, as I've stated many times before, is first and foremost mine and for myself alone, I have no compunction about speaking my mind, and if anyone harasses me I will go private as I originally intended.

But I still find it scary to talk politics on such a liberal platform as tumblr. I'm a left leaning centrist, former liberal. I believe in every current social justice cause, but disagree in how some of it is being sought. And I am disgusted with the fact that I cannot voice any form of dissension on any facet of progressivism without being called a traitor.

So as a centrist looking for answers to why we are in this place we are now, I'm looking to the past and to the present....and to reasonable Republicans. While they are few in number, they exist. And I dont believe in the "We're good, conservatives are all evil" mindset. A big reason why I'm not in either party.

And it's weird to find myself agreeing with some things Sasse is saying. I disagree with all of his politics, but his ideas of our country and his willingness to call bullshit on fellow Republicans and condemn them (like Roy Moore) and cross party lines, however little, has made me willing to read his book.

If any of us want to heal the divide we have to listen to each other. We're humans first. And no one is good or evil. So yeah. I'm seeking knowledge from Grant and Hamilton, and social psychologists and senators I'm fundamentally opposed to.

And that's going to eat up a good few weeks because holy shit, Chernow's audiobook on Ulysses S Grant is 38 CDs long. Good gods.

[everything-makes-me-anxious]

30 Days of My Favorite "Sherlock Holmes" Quotes, Day 19

"I think we'll shut that window again, if you don't mind. It is a singular thing, but I find that a concentrated atmosphere helps a concentration of thought. I have not pushed it to the length of getting into a box to think, but that is the logical outcome of my convictions."

-The Hound of the Baskervilles

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Came across this at work. Like, I know French, and I know it says "Leaving Their Country" or thereabouts, but come on.

His sister is leading him to his punishment.

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best original-56 covers

[everything-makes-me-anxious]

30 Days of My Favorite "Sherlock Holmes" Quotes, Day 18

"What smouldering fire of vengeance had suddenly sprung into flame in this passionate Celtic woman's soul when she saw the man who had wronged her—wronged her, perhaps, far more than we suspected—in her power? Was it a chance that the wood had slipped, and that the stone had shut Brunton into what had become his sepulchre? Had she only been guilty of silence as to his fate? Or had some sudden blow from her hand dashed the support away and sent the slab crashing down into its place? Be that as it might, I seemed to see that woman's figure still clutching at her treasure trove and flying wildly up the winding stair, with her ears ringing perhaps with the muffled screams from behind her and with the drumming of frenzied hands against the slab of stone which was choking her faithless lover's life out."

-The Musgrave Ritual

[everything-makes-me-anxious]

EDIT Okay, okay, I'm going to try the pilot episode. I think, tbf, I was unnecessarily harsh. But Riverdale and Sabrina have predisposed me towards wariness of CW's adaptations.

Omg I managed to block the memory of a CW (read: trashy) Nancy Drew TV show existing for years, only to be reminded by a wiki-walk.

Secret biological father? George being an enemy? My brain... CW is so soapy that it's slid on the ground and given itself brain damage. That's the only explanation for the drivel they turn out.

First they do my girl Sabrina dirty, and now this sham...exists.

[everything-makes-me-anxious]

I'm stuck between my Sherlock theories and fanfiction, reading the classics (Shakespeare and Victorian era), reading trashy romance, studying history, brushing up on French after all these years, writing a Time Princess fanfic, finishing the Divergent trilogy, and maybe a TV show? Not to mention my backlog of video games.

Gods help me, what the fuck do I do with myself? Half the time I just want to sleep or play on my phone.

[everything-makes-me-anxious]

I would follow Rian Johnson into the sun.

[everything-makes-me-anxious]

30 Days of My Favorite "Sherlock Holmes" Quotes, Day 17

“I beg that you will not touch me with your filthy hands,” remarked our prisoner as the handcuffs clattered upon his wrists. “You may not be aware that I have royal blood in my veins. Have the goodness, also, when you address me always to say ‘sir’ and ‘please.’ ”

“All right,” said Jones with a stare and a snigger. “Well, would you please, sir, march upstairs, where we can get a cab to carry your Highness to the police-station?”

-The Red-Headed League

[everything-makes-me-anxious]

So with the lack of confirmation of "Abadoned" being the next Silent Hill, my heartbroken self is gonna marathon the games again.

Just listening to the SH2 soundtrack ramps me up. Such a masterpiece. If this isn't a Silent Hill game, this conspiracy will be the final nail in Konami's coffin, for me. They can't even be arsed to release a proper HD Remaster collection.

Oh, to be an aging Silent Hill fan...

[everything-makes-me-anxious]

It's already been 3 months since my cat died, but I still come up to my bedroom with a sense of Pavlovian, conditioned anticipation, as if I sense that she's in there waiting for me like usual and she's a swing of the door away.

It's so frustrating when you're trying to get through the depression of grief to have this shit happen. I don't know how parents survive the death of a child, because this alone is crushing me.

I still keep the tiny Hello Kitty blanket, the one that came with her from the rescue, the one she fit on perfectly till the end, beside me in bed, exactly where she slept. I suppose it's probably exacerbating this but I can't bring myself to move it. And if I catch another cat on it I shove them off. I think it's the last shred of non-photographic proof that she existed

I kept my other cat's scratching post four years after she died. Maybe I can keep the blanket without regressing into depression.

[everything-makes-me-anxious]

Ah, I did some searches on my Kindle copies and yes, he mentions the color of his eyes a few times. I was mistaken. But to be fair to myself, about half the mentions occur in The Casebook, and I have reread those stories so little.

Sadly I never noticed his eye color mentioned til now! Just that they "flicker" and "intensify" and are always "keen" and "bright" in the heat of a case.

The Sherlock Holmes Canon Drinking Game

Take a small sip of something every time you read (or hear, in case of audiobook) any of the following:

Someone [usually Watson] ejaculates (that is, makes a sudden exclamation)

Holmes describes something as "curious", "peculiar", "singular", or "remarkable", and two sips if he also says "I wouldn't miss it for the world"

The victim was a belligerent or violent drunkard

Gypsies are suspected

Watson says "My dear Holmes!"

Someone passes out from shock

Someone is trying to manipulate an inheritance

An animal is abused

Watson gives an unflattering physical description of their client

The case involves foreigners committing crimes upon each other abroad in England

Watson mentions a case that we never hear of again (those so-called apocryphal cases)

Holmes doesn't get the credit for the case

Holmes toys with Watson while in disguise

Really be careful here. You'll be dead before Sherlock retires if you use anything strong.

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Writing in pen in library books needs to be a criminal offense.

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30 Days of My Favorite "Sherlock Holmes" Quotes, Day 16

"There's an east wind coming, Watson."

"I think not, Holmes. It is very warm."

"Good old Watson! You are the one fixed point in a changing age. There's an east wind coming all the same, such a wind as never blew on England yet. It will be cold and bitter, Watson, and a good many of us may wither before its blast. But it's God's own wind none the less, and a cleaner, better, stronger land will lie in the sunshine when the storm has cleared."

-His Last Bow

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Can Junji Ito do some adaptations of Poe? I mean...

...he could make serious nightmares out of Poe's work if these people can.

[everything-makes-me-anxious]

I'm getting nostalgic for the grungy emo punk rock music of the mid to late 2000s. And the early EDM efforts of Katy, Kesha and Gaga. It wasn't just the music, it was the movies and games. Gritty and real and try hard in the best way. People were figuring out how to manipulate digital technology and it lead to a lot of cool shit.

No one seems to try anymore. No more pioneers.