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As a mental health professional I recognize so many mental health issues could at least be alleviated if people could, you know, have the time and money to ACTUALLY care for themselves.

UBI needs to happen. via antiwork

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It's About Time.

Yesterday was the kind of day where I started crying because my foot was stuck in my boot and not coming off. HOWEVER. Now I hear season 3 of Good Omens is confirmed?! The week is being salvaged.

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Feeling personally attacked by my Tumblr feed. However, good reminder.

I know you’re sad. But drink your fucking water.

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Just as I had started reaching some acceptance with the ending of Good Omens 2, David Jenkins comes in with that final episode.

I need a moment.... and to schedule a session with my therapist.

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DAVID JENKINS, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! SOMEBODY SEDATE ME.

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"Girl, how are you?" - Zheng Yi Sao asking the real question to a crew of traumatized muppets.

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We All Know Those Characters

That moment when you watch a show and just have that "aha" moment of being seen. Like yes, this is what I feel and someone has the talent to convey that feeling for me.

This may be coming from someone who can relate to any character that grumbles, mumbles, lashes out, or looks like they would rather pass away than say what they actually feel.

Yeah, my therapist may have pointed out that my anger is pry actually anxiety and I use my anger to cope. What's it to you?

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Things I've been trying to come to terms with in the past year alone:

Undiagnosed ADHD. Would have been grand if someone would have just given an inkling of support in school instead of just talking about my pOtEnTiAl.

Undiagnosed other things. Why did a doctor never seem to care enough to help me get proper care?

Some level of gender dysphoria. Of course my journey to discovering my queer self didn't just stop with sexuality. I just had to keep going and really look behind the veil of my gender.

My parents do not understand my identity as a bisexual person or any part of me that deviates from "normal."

The religious trauma.

I'm very, very tired.

If anyone reads this, please no you're not alone. Sometimes, there's just a lot to grieve.

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Happy Autumn

It's raining. It's pouring. My depression is soaring.

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Ugh, Feelings

Fun Fact: Misery does indeed love company. Once we are in an emotional state, we are more prone to find other things that keep us in that emotional state. Like, for instance, I'm feeling sad (because, well, life) and therefore I will consume all the media that rips my queer little heart out until I finally feel like I processed something.

P.S. Happiness also loves company.

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A Short Ramble on Good Omens and Grief

I told my therapist a couple of sessions ago how I had been watching Good Omens on repeat since the second season aired. She asked me essentially what led to that. I didn't have a great answer at the time as I'm one to comfort watch shows into oblivion without thinking much of it. Here's looking at you Community, IASIP, Portlandia, OFMD, Futurama, and WWDITS. I think I now realize what had connected so strongly with: Crowley's fall from heaven. Just how we watch Crowley go from an angel full of wonder and joy to a demon with guarded and anxious behaviors, I too went through an unexpected transformation; and I know there are many like me out in the world. If this post is to have a thesis statement, let it be this: if you connect with Crowley, you may want to reflect on the losses and grief you carry in your life. (Side note: it's been A WHILE since I wrote a proper essay with a thesis statement).

I remember being a naive, happy, active child who grew up to be a sarcastic, reserved, anxious adult (with a bit of depression and ADHD). I remember being unabashedly excited about my interests as a kid. I was praised by adults for my talents, encouraged to keep excelling, and might as well have been told that the sky's the limit. Then, trauma happened and a lot died with that trauma. I can recall mismanaged anxiety, depression settling in my body, and neglected grief making it's home in what as well be my very essence. That kid who loved to learn, was known for being giggly and bubbly, slowly, well... I don't want to say died; they were more excluded from active participation in life.

I usually don't like relating to characters in meaningful ways- probably because I've had years of shutting down the grief it can evoke. I'm grieving the loss of that happy, care-free child. I'm grieving the expectations I held for my life. I grieve the loved ones who died at such a sensitive time in my life. I have a lot of feelings to work through just like Crowley.

To conclude for now, I will allow this post to serve as a reminder of my grief. Don't even get me started on the religious aspects. I'll save that for after a few more therapy sessions.