exhaustedsandwhich - Tumblr blog

[exhaustedsandwhich]

Wrote this at 3 am. Couldn't sleep so I let the fish tank spill

I’m tired. So tired. Everything. Everyone. I’ve been so tired for so long I have forgotten the feeling of relief, of being unburdened, of being… me. Everything I do, everything I feel - they all feel forced, artificial, as if I only do them, feel them because I am obligated to. 

I am definitely losing my mind. If not for the couple people that keeps me grounded. Hell, one of them does not even know I exist. I function solely on delusions of what could be. On Fantasies. It is literally one of the only things keeping me somewhat afloat. 

Ludicrous dreams, crazy plans. None of which may ever come true. What is hope but a waxing strip made with superglue. The more it settles, the more one believes, the more painful reality becomes. 

What am I doing? Why do I aim so high when everyone tells me that I do not have enough propellant? The launch was fantastic, beyond planned but as I ascend through the atmosphere more and more fuel gets used. I try to conserve some. Using the most I can while using the minimum and yet everyone tells me I do not have enough. They tell me I should try harder. I should’ve managed my fuel better. Is it my fault that I do not have control over my fuel consumption? Is it my fault that I tried my really best during my early and vulnerable years that I now need sustenance? Why is it that everyone tells me that I do not deserve the rest? Why is it that everyone tells me to try harder when my sights are beyond the stars? 

Now, in the middle of my journey, sick and exhausted. I lay here, staring at the darkness of the void, calling for me to join it. To become one with it. I have tried to open the hatch on more than one occasion. I have thought about what it may mean for me, what it may feel for me to finally open it and relish in the embrace of the void. As much as it pains me, I could not open it by myself. If someone were to do it for me, I would gladly welcome the abyss but as it stands right now, I am too weak to open it. 

My brain is revolting. Giving in to the temptation of hope. It statistically knows the chances of even nearing my destination barely exist and yet that chance is so incomprehensible that it has opted to accept that it may be feasible. I regret to say that even my mind is tempted, convinced that there is a possibility. Of course there is a possibility of anything, but that is besides the point. My brain and mind has decided to let life run its course on me. To see how far I will travel until I run out of fuel. To see me ultimately stop, not even halfway to my intended destination. Maybe then I will finally be strong enough to open the hatch on my own.

I don't even know why I am writing this. Under no circumstances that I have any intention of sharing this to the general public but here I am, writing. 

I am exhausted, tired, delusional, crazy, insane that my brain flicks to her when I think these words as myself. As if she could fix me. My own fantasies, my own delusions fuelling my hope fuelling my obsession. 

Ah yes, obsession. It wasn’t until relatively recently that I discovered my obsessive tendency. I want something, I will stop at nothing to get it, unless of course, the obsession ebbs away into disinterest. Right now, my obsession is not just a mere obsession. I know deep inside me that I will do anything for her. I will stop at nothing for her. 

I feel like Joe Goldberg with that last paragraph, but right now, I couldn’t give a shit. I am and will live my life as I see fit. I am tired of defending, of holding the shield and I feel that she is more than capable of doing it for me. To shield me from the rest of the world. To care for me, to be there for me. In turn I will be there for her when she needs it. I will do anything I can to comfort her, to make her happy.

I am exhausted.