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hi im still alive (barely)

its been a long fuckign time huh (over 5 YEARS HOLY CRAP)

anyway, a ton of shit happened, the reason i stopped posting all those years ago was cuz i thought someone irl found this blog so i had to dip for a while (but then i forgor to come back lol)

things got worse for a bit, and then they started getting better for a while, a lot better. until i fucked it all up and everything fell apart again.

evidently i am not doing so great rn, and thats why im back. i'd love to give all the tragic details but i have class in the morning and im eepy, so. maybe another night

also no one call me maka anymore pls 👍 that show was cool n all but i barely remember anything about it anymore lol. my name is anya. (well, not really, but i was always happiest when i was called that...)

ok goodnight

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its absolutely fuckin SWELL to know that no one around me actually gives a single shit about my wellbeing cuz it only takes the slightest little slip up on my part for them to go from wanting to "help" me (even tho its usually just halfassed anyway) to calling me lazy and worthless and a liar and so many other awful things and GOD im just so fucking sick of it i dont wanna do this anymore

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a dilemma

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and suddenly its november! ive been doing ok recently, but im expecting my annual delivery of Seasonal DepressionTM to show up on my doorstep any day now 👀👀 also im gonna start seeing a new therapist soon so hopefully that will help. its been awhile since i stopped seeing my last one 😅

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:/

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Gen z culture is being scared to ask for things bc of the abusive way you were raised, and being told by your mom, your friends, and even your s/o that you can ask, that you shouldn't be scared but its impossible to not feel like a burden.

But knowing that if anyone asked you for anything youd drop everything and help them out.

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gen z culture is having all your joints hurt from doing absolutely nothing

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gen z culture is feeling depressed at 14 after a life of hearing, "oh all teens act depressed" and then being anxious because you aren't sure if you're faking it for attention, even though you know you aren't. And you don't want anybody to worry about you, so you just don't tell anyone.

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me: shows symptoms of mental illness

my family: really? right in front of my salad??

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there is literally no logical, emotional, aesthetic, philosophical, moral, or sexy reason for the sun to be gone at 4.30 pm 

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Recognizing Abuse Masterlist

Signs that you’re living in abuse:

Behavioral patterns of living in abuse

Was I abused? Checklist

Not knowing you are a victim

Signs your family is abusive

Making excuses for your abusive parents

Experience of living in secrecy

What they taught you was abuse

Emotional experiences of living in abuse

Shame and guilt: how abused children feel

What makes parents abusers (actions)

Have I been manipulated into believing abuse was my fault? Checklist

Am I being held hostage by abusers? Checklist

You are not allowed to mention the past

Why you still love abusive parents

Parental behaviour that isn’t normal

Shit parents aren’t supposed to say to you

Experience of “not belonging anywhere”

Red flags for abusive parents

Healthy vs Abusive Chores

Was my childhood abusive or just had some bad parts?

Rules always change (unpredictable environment is abusive)

Breakdown of abusive parent’s behaviour:

“This is my house” rule

Start living in the real life!

Why all the children aren’t abused equally in an abusive home

Common abuser hypocrisies

Do your parents want you to be happy or look happy?

Why do they try to convince you that you’re worthless

Why do they pretend you’re a burden? Controlling behaviour

Why your abusers are not good people

Abusive parents are keeping you in false hope they’ll change

Are your parents preventing you from succeeding?

Abusive parents pretending “it wasn’t that bad”

Double Bind (why every choice you make ends wrong)

Incorporating trauma in raising children

Abusers will not allow you to call them out on abuse

Signs your parents are narcissistic:

Stuff delusional narcissists say

Shit narcissistis parents say

Recognizing emotional immaturity of narcissistic parents

Examples of narcissistic behaviours

Being punished for growing up by narcissistic parents

What children of narcissists go thru

Signs you’ve been thru sexual abuse:

CSA (Childhood Sexual Abuse) Symptoms

Signs you might have endured CSA

Was I sexually abused by adults as a child? Checklist

Signs of abusive friendship/relationship:

How to tell if a friend is not a friend

Am I in an abusive relationship/friendship? Checklist

Manufacturing insecurities

Red flags for abusers

Have I been thru social abuse? Checklist

You can recognize abusers by how they make you feel

How abusive childhood teaches you to stay in abusive relationships

Recognizing abusive friendship

Signs you’re struggling with trauma

Trauma processing information

Experiences of traumatized children

Signs you’re recovering from long term abuse

Things abuse survivors think/say

Thoughts of victims of child abuse

Your brain on trauma

How long term childhood abuse develops into complex trauma (comic)

Ups and downs of trauma

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me: (has super negative thought)

me: thank you Captain Edge Lord can we please hear from someone else today

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A really fun thing about having a traumatic childhood for whatever reason is when you casually mention something and then the other person is like WTF and you realise that oh no, that’s actually not a common reference point at all, is it

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“wow you’re so mature for your age!!?!?!?!!?!!?!?!!!!”

thanks, i raised me myself

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Today’s International Self-Injury Awareness Day, so I wanted to make something. All alternatives are taken from this post, go there for more!

Remember that I love you, and I’m here for you. Please be safe.