exploring-complexities

[exploring-complexities]

I am truly my mothers daughter. I don’t know how I feel about it yet.

[exploring-complexities]

How do you mourn someone you don’t truly know. A family member you see at Christmas once a year, the sweetest man you ever knew. I look in my memories but I don’t know my great uncles favorite color or what kind of food was his favorite. But I know his smile and the way he laughs. He died and I loved him, and I hope he knew that.

[exploring-complexities]

I watch Charles Leclerc race and race and race, and I can’t help but hope he stays with Ferrari. It’s such a toxic relationship, but I bleed red and I can’t help but think he does too. Why does anyone go to Ferrari to race? Because they can’t help but feel the pull, the aura that surrounds it. Ferrari may never be perfect, but there will always be passion like no other, a bond between all the drivers that have ever raced there. Once you race for Ferrari, there is no other feeling like it.

[exploring-complexities]

I tried so hard and I didn’t succeed. I didn’t get what I wanted or what I need. I’m so tired of being stuck in reverse.

[exploring-complexities]

[exploring-complexities]

Once in a while your sad and you lose hope and are depressed about the world that you live in. And then Nico Hülkenburg finally gets a podium after 239 race starts and a little something in you says…well, maybe life isn’t so terrible all the time.

[exploring-complexities]

When watching a cartoon a wise old man said “In the darkest times hope is something you give yourself” and that felt way to important not to share.

[exploring-complexities]

I am too masculine, too manly. I exude strength and power and harshness. Is that why no one wants me?

I am still a woman, I am still gentle and loving and soft. No one gets far enough to earn it.

I am waiting. I am crying. I am still a woman.

I remind myself sometimes that my femininity is not a weakness, not something to hide.

But I protect her because she is soft, and lovely and kind.

I am hard edges and sharp blades so that one day, when I show her to someone, she has not been hurt, and she is not scarred like the rest of me.

[exploring-complexities]

Kiss me or kill me. At least then I’ll feel something.

[exploring-complexities]

I watch as she loves like she’s breathing, but i am helpless as she suffocates over and over again.

[exploring-complexities]

I love her so much that when she cries, I feel her tears thunder down on my heart.

[exploring-complexities]

Pause and think. Wait. Stop. That’s all I do.

[exploring-complexities]

I miss you so much that I’ve broken your heart so that you might send me a piece.

[exploring-complexities]

I starve myself of love, so when the hunger hits it’s normal.

[exploring-complexities]

Taking it down one brick at a time.

How do you heal when the damage feels like home?

[exploring-complexities]

Sometimes. When I’m with the people I love, for a moment… I forget.

I forget that I’m supposed to be ambitious.

I forget that the world hates people who aren’t perfect.

All I know is that I love them and they love me. And I’m at peace.

[exploring-complexities]

Life finds a way, even in the cracks of concrete.