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“I wanted to tell you that wherever I am, whatever happens, I’ll always think of you, and the time we spent together, as my happiest time. I’d do it all over again, if I had the choice. No regrets.”

— Cynthia Hand, Boundless

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Growing Pains

So, I have spent the last couple of days reflecting upon my choices, wondering which ones I would keep the same and which ones I would change dramatically.

I tend to think about this probably more often then I should which then also poses the question do I really regret some of my decisions so much that I spend continual days reflecting on them? But then I remember that overthinking is also one of my many talents and pastimes. For whatever reason I have needed to focus my energy on pin pointing my life and its moments trying to narrow down a specific time when I could of made a different choice, and if I had made that choice how would my life be different. In making these decisions would I of spared myself or the people I love(d) pain and suffering? I don't know if ill ever solve this problem or answer the question; I mean I guess not since unfortunately back to the future is not real and I cannot change the decisions I have made, so instead I will continue to sit here and ponder. For those of you wondering, I am aware that this mind game I play with myself at times can be damaging. I’d be lying if I didn't wish there was just some sort of switch that I was able to press and pause or fast forward. To maybe a time where I didn't contemplate these things. But then I also try to cut myself some slack and remember like a wise friend once told me "its ok if the only thing you do some days is get out of bed." Which let me tell you from someone who recently (temporarily) lost the ability to un-do their own pants to go to the bathroom, getting out of bed to make that first needed cup of coffee in the morning is like running a goddamn marathon. Anyways, back to not over thinking and moving on....moving on...that's such a funny term. I mean everyone knows they have to do it but yet its one step in life most people have the hardest time actually doing. I have recently discovered and truly believe that if you somehow are able to figure out why something or someone bothers you, that term moving on becomes just a fraction easier. So what is it that I am trying to "move on" from. Yes "move on" is in quotations because I'm still unsure if I haven't already moved on and am just annoyed at society OR if I'm actually still stuck in this limbo spot of being ok or not.

Here is the stumper.

When do people decide they are not in love anymore? Or that a person that was once their entire world become the person that they wish did not exist in the same world as them (metaphorically speaking of course.) How did the person that you could not wait to talk to become the person that you dreaded having even short small talk conversations over fb or text with? And how sad is it that these people in which you feel this way can be more then just exes, they can be ex relationships, ex friends or even "ex" parental figures. It amazes me that the thing that made you feel so whole can now make you feel so empty. How do we as human beings just let go of something that was once so valuable and at what point or cost do we decide that it doesn't matter anymore? This whole thing oddly angers me but also just makes me feel so sad. Does this mindset bother anyone else or am I the only one who stews over these things at 8am while drinking my coffee and listening to my neighbors argue from the floor above. Relationships, no matter what type of relationship it is, are scary. Most people do not go into relationships thinking they will not work out or will somehow fail. But when you do, which is something I am guilty of particularly in the past; should you not be surprised when they don't work out and the person inevitably forgets about you? Why does it still shock me? I guess maybe I want that cheesy romantic movie love story where its midnight and you're laying in bed or driving home and wonder what I'm doing. And like that cheesy rom-com when you say you hope I'm doing well you really mean it. Someone recently told me that someone who was once quite important to me missed being in my life. Well I haven't heard from this person myself in almost 6 months. So do they really? Or is missing someone just a cliché thing we all feel like we are required to say when someone brings up a person from our past? Who knows maybe I'm just cynical! But at the end of the day I pose you and myself this question: If you knew how something would end, would that stop you from proceeding with it? Would the outcome change how you feel in the moment? I say no. I may have a hard time letting things go, but you should know, if our paths have ever crossed for a reason, season or a lifetime I will always think of you. And always fondly. Because even though I may not be a name on your tongue any longer you will always be a thought in my mind. Because no matter who you are I can guarantee you that no matter how our paths ended you changed me for the better and taught me life lessons and lessons about myself. What I want, who I am and where I want to be.

So thank you,

I hope one day if you ever hear my name, or see that stupid photo of me on Instagram you smile.

Because I know I do.

And on that final note I am off to watch a unrealistic idea of life in a extremely cheesy Julia Roberts movie!

Happy Sunday! 😊

"Even if I knew you'd be the one that got away

I'd still go back and get you

Even if I knew you'd be my best and worst mistake

Oh, I'd still make it with you

Over and over, again and again

Even though we break up in the end"

break·up

[ˈbrākˌəp]

NOUN

break-up (noun)

the separation or breaking up of something into several pieces or sections.

synonyms:

separation · split · split-up · parting · parting of the ways · estrangement · rift · rupture · breach · divorce · bust-up · division · splitting up ·

Tay ❤

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Insecurities

Have you ever walked into a room and instantly felt like everyone in that building hates you? Or for some reason your mere presence has instantly turned them off of being there. Like how dare you be here and ruin their evening. Then your mind jumps from wtf did I do to who the f**** am I? You spend the rest of your evening wondering what is it about you that this person dislikes or if you're really just crazy and it has nothing to do with you at all? Is this all in my head? Probably. Am I going to let it go? Probably not. I know I'm rambling. Sometimes I feel selfish to think that I can be the sole reason that someone is acting the way they are. I know everyone has their good days and their bad, but it never ceases to amaze me how personally I can go from being confident and strong to a mouse that just wants to cover my face and hide because no one here could possibly like me. I had a friend once who said to me its amazing how one day you can wake up and look in the mirror and say fuck I'm great! I'm good looking, funny and all around a fairly decent person to the next day, hour, minute or even second doubting everything about yourself inward as well as outward. There are days like this one where I wake up wanting to cry about the shear fact of how horrible I am and how I am all alone and no one can possibly miss me or want to be around me. Granted in this form I do not really want to be around anyone else (mostly because I feel like who the hell would want my company I'm really quite terrible.) But back to my main point. Why do we do this to ourselves as women and overall human beings? How do we allow our perception of what people may or may not think about us change what we think about ourselves? I look back on who I have become since my last post and wow, I really have changed a lot. Granted I have also stayed the same in a lot of ways but I have now accepted those things about me that I haven't yet changed or that I really don't want to. I have realized that before I was this sad girl who did everything day in and out to please other people. I was being who I thought I needed to be to be loved by boyfriends, parents and friends. I didn't really know who I was or where I wanted to be. Someone said to me how happy I now look and how much I have changed and it was funny because had that comment been made 2 hours prior I would of been all aboard but in that exact time, moment and place in which it was said I had never felt so sad and defeated. I felt like I was right back to where I thought I had moved on from. Wanting peoples affirmation that who I am, was in fact good enough. It truly amazes me how all of a sudden being good enough for myself was no longer, good enough. My whole life I have compared myself to other people. Who hasn't? I wanted to be someone I was not.  Sometimes even making myself "sound" better because who would find my real truth or real me interesting. I don't know why or how I all of a sudden felt this way, but what I do know is its ok. Its ok to not be 100% all the time. I think that's where I struggled before. Always feeling like I had to be "on" or perfect and not allowing myself to feel those times of being down or sad or just not "on." But in the same thought I also have learned to not stay in that depression. Its ok to feel lost sometimes but also do not live there. Keep searching for a new path out of the darkness. Brush yourself off and put your big girl panties on and pull yourself out of your own god damn hole because waiting for someone else to do it for you is A) a waste of time and B) a good way to constantly feel disappointed. You can rise of from anything. Lets be honest you can completely recreate yourself, people do it every day. Nothing in this life is permanent. You're not stuck, You can think new thoughts, learn new things, create new habits, recreate a whole new life style you just have to decide to do it. But while you're doing all of this don't be so hard on yourself. Its ok to have a bad day, it’s ok to feel sorry for yourself. When it becomes a problem is when the bad takes over all of the good and you can no longer remember the things that made you happier in the first place. The changes that you once made to become a better version of yourself. To admit your flaws is a truly powerful thing. People not liking me will always be the hardest thing in my life to get over. Which makes me laugh sometimes because lets be honest not everyone is going to like you. Some people may think you're bossy, some people may think your fake, fuck some people might even think you’re unattractive or over weight. And you know what? THATS OK! I can be bossy (shhh don't tell anyone), sometimes my fear of people not liking who I really am does in fact turn me into a fake version of myself (trying hard to fix this one) and guess what news flash there will always be someone who is more attractive then you and will probably be in better shape also (I know this to be true because wellllll....tacos). But wake up, wash your face, have your cry or your moment and move on with your day people! It sucks and its hard sometimes! Especially when you've gone through so much or when you feel like the universe is out to get you. But I have some good news to all of you, and to myself. Bad days happen, in fact we need them to really appreciate the good days. And ironically enough at the end of the day you know what it takes for a star to really shine? DARKNESS! And if you are close to me or even if you're not because I am a sharer you know these past 6 months to a year have been absolute hell. These past 6 months-a year I have had the absolute best and worst times of my life. Some things I wish I could change. Some things I don't. Some days I wish I could call my auntie barb so she could yell at me, tell me to pick myself up off the ground quit feeling so sorry for myself, eat some pizza wipe my face and get on with my day. But then other days I sit here and I cry because I think she would be pretty god damn proud of me. Proud of me for recognizing what I need to change in my life and what makes me feel not only happy, but sad and mad also. Because life isn't always easy, sometimes its fucking hard. But its when you make it through the hard times that you can truly be proud of yourself and the life you have, because in these moments you will truly change and become the better person you deserve to be for no one else other then yourself. Getting our shit together requires a level of honesty you cant imagine. There's nothing easy about realizing you're the one that's been holding you back this whole time. Once you have this moment I cant promise you, that your feelings of self doubt and lack of confidence will never be there again, but I can promise you this; knowing you have the power to change the things you don't like is life altering.

“When nobody else celebrates you, learn to celebrate yourself. When nobody else compliments you, then compliment yourself. It’s not up to other people to keep you encouraged. It’s up to you. Encouragement should come from the inside.” — Joel Osteen

Its funny, as far as posts go this is probably my least well written one. But for once I don't care. It was honest and what I felt I needed to move on from this shit of a morning and continue my day! 

So cheers to a newly great f***ing Sunday everyone, no one and whoever! 

Tay <3 

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“When nobody else celebrates you, learn to celebrate yourself. When nobody else compliments you, then compliment yourself. It’s not up to other people to keep you encouraged. It’s up to you. Encouragement should come from the inside.”

— Joel Osteen

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Never.

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Still trying to figure the reason of life?

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Beauty isn’t about having a pretty face. It’s about having a pretty mind, a pretty heart, and a pretty soul.

(via love-diaries)

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AB Beach ---> Vancity

When life gives you lemons, make lemonade right? Although in life sometimes we continue to make lemonade in a situation where the lemons are dry and you are short on sugar. Solution? Pack up everything (while throwing out 95% of your shit you are still confused as to why you have in the first place) and start over. This example is precisely the reason I made the decision to relocate 1100 km from home to a province I have only ever visited. Because here is the thing, I have such a large desire to grow in ways I probably do not even comprehend yet.  A week up until my big move people would ask me why I was leaving, and I would respond with this question “Do you really want to know?” Of course, they would answer “Yes” because that is a loaded question just like asking someone how they are, the answer will always be “good thanks” even if that is far from reality.

So, to those of you that have asked, care, or are just plain snoopy these are a few of the reasons that a small town Alberta girl felt the need to move to the heart of a big city, Vancouver, British Columbia.  

To find my strength and independence again.

I have always valued how strong I am not just as a woman but as a person. As far as independence goes I probably have a little too much of the wrong kind of it. Out and about I am bubbly and outgoing but when it comes to my home life I tend to be a lone wolf. I want to discover true independence and by moving I am getting out of my day to day easy routine and going outside of my comfort zone. I want to live on the edge and push my own boundaries, build myself up and create a new appreciation for life!

 To get over bad relationships.

I needed to figure out who I am truly important to, but more significantly who is truly important to me. I needed to step back and look at my relationships with people from a distance. To learn who was going to lift me up on this journey and who was going to use it as an excuse to terminate me from their life.  

 To experience actually living in a city.

I know I know, this one to most people probably sounds naive or senseless but to someone like myself it is a novelty. You have no idea how insane it is to be able to open the apartment door, walk outside and have a Starbucks, shoppers drug mart and a grocery store all within a blocks radius. Also, I met some new friends for dinner yesterday, had 3 glasses of wine and could actually walk home…shut the fucking front door! You have to understand I am used to debating with myself if cold medication or even food cravings are worth the 20-45 minute drive into town (Ice cream is obviously always a yes.) But the best part? I no longer have to drive 2 hours to work, *insert large halleluiah here* shit I even went wild and didn’t bring my car, it is still living the Albertan dream back on the farm without me. City living may not be something I will hold onto forever, but in this short amount of time I can feel my horizons already expanding and that fills me with so much excitement for my present and future!  

 I’m falling in love with who I am in my mid 20’s. When I was younger I always thought by 25 I would be married and have at least 2 children. Now I am 26 and am doing nothing of the sort. Living in Alberta the fact that I do not currently have these things is quite unusual to say the least. You know what I love about Vancouver though? THAT IS NORMAL. You doing you, living life, being a 26-year-old single female just loving the mind, body and spirit that embodies you, that is what is normal. Being here I realize that right now I do not want the things I always thought I did at this age and in this city, it is actually embraced and celebrated, and I am loving every part of it.

 Finally.

To figure out what I want to be when I grow up.

Ok so I am technically grown up. But I still have a lot of growing up to do and part of that involves defining my life goals. Supporting myself and not needing reassurance from others when I wake up and say this is what I’m going to do and this is who I am going to be. Just going ahead and doing it (moving here was step 1 of a billion on this final achievement!) Right now I know if I stayed home I would have fallen into the status quo, never really following my dreams, even though I’m not totally confident I know just what those are quite yet.

 But here is something I am confident on. When and if I go back home I will go with a new mindset and valuable life experiences. I know that when and if I do go back it will be different, because I will be different. I miss my friends and family immensely as well as the small town culture sometimes. But right now, I know I need this and I cannot wait to see what this experience has in store for me. I have absolutely no regrets about my decision and the journey I will make with myself and for myself.

 “If we were meant to stay in one place, we’d have roots instead of feet…” -Rachel Wolchin

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Oh Hey, 

So… 

I spent this weekend staring out at the most beautiful of views. There is something about water and the mountains that just makes my soul so calm and quiet (and for those of you that know me you know I am rarely either of those two things.) I cannot really even describe how just being in a place of pure beauty makes me feel. It is a feeling that I wish I could just put in my pocket to take out whenever I have a moment where I need to be reminded how magical this life and the world is.  

 Sometimes there is a part of me that looks around at all of my friends who are married and having children and I think to myself, have I  done enough? I take my friends and look at what they have done some of them by 18 or 19 and think shit what have I done really. Although people sometimes ask me would you want to be where I am, do you want to be married and have children? I have to stop myself to think. Eventually yes…right now? Not at all. So what is it I want in life currently? A month or so ago I made a huge decision to move from Alberta a province I have lived in my whole life to Vancouver, British Columbia. Even though I have moved from city to city or really small town to small town throughout AB my life have has always consisted of basically the same sort of lifestyle. I am terrified but so excited and proud of myself all at once. This is part of what I want for me at the age I am. I want to feel free and open. I want to walk out of my front door and run the seawall or take a 10 minute bike ride to do hot yoga at 9PM. I want to travel X a million. My desire to see every inch of this big beautiful world is enormous. Living in Vancouver my opportunities to do this near and far are so much easier then where I am now. Which is something about this city that instantly excites me! Every time I step off that plane I feel at home, and every time I have to fly back to my actual home I am counting down the days to when I don’t have to. Oh also, my spontaneous attitude has not only moved me to Vancouver but I also just booked a kick ass trip to Bali come September (more details on this later!) Although I'm only 26, in Alberta if you don’t have certain things by my age you feel like you should probably just call it a day and buy 20 cats because that’s what your life will amount to. Why do we do we allow society to make us feel this way? This is what I love about Vancouver and one of the many reasons I am so excited to be a part of this city…it seems as though everyone here just loves to ride the roller-coaster of life and embrace everything. Vancouver is its own culture filled with people that just don’t give a fuck, love everyone and are not afraid to be themselves. And in case you didn’t know in this day and age that is god damn fantastic! I mean really why can't we just embrace our lives as we live them without putting so much pressure on ourselves to amount to everyone elses idea of success? My whole life I have always done shit for other people, put their dreams and desires in front of my own and have now pissed of a handful of people by no longer doing this. But the people who truly love and care about me have supported me whole heartily…actually they have pushed me…specifically when I have a short moment of second guessing myself and my decisions. So cheers to me for not caring about anyone but myself for once in my life. I, just like everyone deserve to be my own number one and honestly I am the happiest I have been in a long time by doing so! I have this huge feeling of relief, freedom and uncertainty which only excites me that much more!  

 “If this is your only life then why aren’t you doing everything you want to do?”

^Thanks James Franco

So cheers to a kick ass summer full of spontaneity, making mistakes, meeting new people, patio drinks and adventures! ✌

 Tay ❤

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Someone once asked me my go to song for every emotion would be. Here. This song is like being intoxicated. It makes enhances my feelings of love when I'm happy and my sadness when I'm feeling empty inside.

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Yes.

https://www.instagram.com/thepersonalquotes/

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Conscious

Me Again,

 Noun: guilt

-the fact of having committed a specified or implied offense or crime.

"it is the duty of the prosecution to prove the prisoner's guilt"

synonyms:

culpability, guiltiness, blameworthiness; More

antonyms:

innocence

-a feeling of having done wrong or failed in an obligation.

"he remembered with sudden guilt the letter from his mother that he had not yet read"

synonyms:

self-reproach, self-condemnation, shame, a guilty conscience, pangs of conscience; More

antonyms:

Innocence

Where does guilt come from? Why is it that as humans guilt can consume every corner of our mind, body and soul when in actuality we know that we have done nothing wrong. For myself, I am so consumed with illogical guilt that it feels as though my chest is continually fluttering. An anxiety I cannot control for no reason other than wanting the people I care about to be so immensely happy. If in life I ever feel like I am the root cause of anger, annoyance or pain for someone who I feel is important the sadness that then manifests into guilt is unbearable at times.  It is almost as if it slowly kills me piece by piece until the confident outgoing girl I am is nowhere to be found. As an emotional person I feel every emotion to my core, positive or negative right and wrong. Time heals all they say, and letting go is the best option for any chance at having a piece of mind. Because really, who wants to constantly feel like they are in the wrong whether or not there is any truth to that?

This past week, I probably ruined something that in my current stage of life I believed was valuable to me. It was a small something, but a small something that meant a lot and something I hoped one day would grow into more.  My need for communication whether it may be encouraging or undesirable consumed the part of my brain that controls logic. My way of dealing with lack of communication is to instantly blame myself and make me the reason for the lack of it. Wanting some sort of answer as to what I have done wrong. Because it has to of been me right? Some days I want to change how melodramatic my life may seem, or how my mind can so often overthink situations but I am slowly starting to realize that it is alright to feel so much. It is alright to not apologize for the ups and downs I may have. This includes not feeling guilty for being honest about how I feel in every aspect, although it turns out I still need some work on this one.

There will always be things about myself that will annoy or anger another person but in recent conversations with people close to me I have come to realize that whose same things will also be the reasons someone loves me unconditionally. I need to stop blaming myself but also not stop feeling. I have come to embrace the fact that I am an emotional person and yes that will lead me to feel darkness at times but without that darkness I will not feel the immense joy so many situations and people bring me. I may be spontaneous (for me a positive), oversensitive at times, compulsive even but I am anything but simple-minded. I love big which I have come to understand also means I may hurt big as a result. There are always consequences to your actions. I mean after all Karma is a bitch right? Sometimes you just need to put on your big girl panties and deal with the cards you have dealt yourself. This week I would have loved to go back and not let my mind get the best of me. But as I write everything down I also know that I have a big heart and care so deeply which is the main reason as to why I sit here in deep regret feeling the need to apologize.  

Writing it down, and thinking it out I can lie and say I feel better about the situation. The truth is I still regret my actions and have a guilt that lingers inside me. I will give myself time though still continually hoping for forgiveness but also accepting responsibility.

I am truly sorry. Sorry for doubting. Sorry for needing. Sorry for not trusting.

Everything…I am Sorry.

Tay 🖤

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Tuesday Feels

Hey you,

Whoever you may be,

Do you ever have that feeling where you have so much to say and can ramble thoughts for hours on end but when it actually comes down to writing them out or organizing those thoughts into actual sentences you stare blankly at the screen or page and freeze silently? No? Is this just me? Story of my life most times. Moving on though…

Even though I for whatever reason felt the need to start this blog (maybe to try and compartmentalize my own feelings) I would definitely not call myself a blogger. I have always been a creative person, dancing my whole life, writing letters to even just myself or going for walks capturing each moment in a photograph while listening to music that calms my soul. I would not say that I am anything super special but I am a person who has confidence without needing reassurance from anyone. Do not get me wrong. I am human. When someone I thought was interested in me as a person no longer is for whatever reasons of their own, it is initially disappointing. But I will never let that define who I am or how I do things. People in my life have always commented on how independent and assertive I am but in Heinz sight that also may cause me to be a little bit of a lone wolf. Purely out of the lack of confidence I have in the genuine commitment of other human beings.

I believe part of my reasoning for starting this “blog” (why does this word bother me so much?) was numerous conversations I had with my older sister this past weekend. We talked about dating culture in this generation and how you describe yourself to other people. In return how a very small amount of people will truly accept every single part of you. The sugar and spice, good and back, crazy and “normal” (which is overrated in my opinion.) Growing up as a redhead I have heard every stereotype at least 4x in regards to my skin, hair and personality. Why I mention this is my sister and I were talking about the differences between her and I but also the similarities. We are both what I call a little crazy but in her words eccentric. You see, I don’t have a problem being crazy because that makes me different, sassy and honest. I believe the problem with our society is that being those things is perceived as a negative. I will call you out on your BS but in turn have no issue with you calling me out on mine. I love vivacious banter. Do I get worked up a little too easily sometimes? Yes. But this is how you know I genuinely care about you and would do anything for you. Also, I am a fucking riot. There is never a dull moment if we are a part of each other’s lives. The amount of shenanigans and spontaneity that occurs will fill your soul with an overwhelming amount of joy I promise you. And really let’s be honest; we’re all a little crazy I just choose not to hide it.

Furthermore, I want to share my life with whoever will allow me …My life has not been easy or without complications but at 25 I know who I am and have had so many adventures that have caused me love, joy and pain which to me is so exciting. Most people my age have not had even a small portion of the life that I have created for myself and I am pretty proud of that. I have worked my ass off emotionally and physically to be whom I am and where I am. When I say the day I decided to “Fuck this shit” and just do me was the happiest day of my short 25 years alive. I am not afraid to stare into someone’s eyes when I feel a connection with them, walk downtown rocking a ponytail, ragged jeans and a baggy t-shirt totally feeling myself and to tell someone exactly how I feel about them positive or not. If you can be that same amount of real with me as well you may just be stuck so take this as your pre warning.

Lucille ball once said “I would rather regret the things I have done then regret the things I haven’t” and this is how I intend to continue living my life. Because if things do not work out I will always have a tremendous story to reflect on over a bottle of wine and a cheesy country song later.

If not one person reads this I will be content. Because in life we need to say no to bad friends, no to bad dates and no to bad ideas. Stop going out when we would rather stay in. And stop staying in when we would rather go out. Do not do things that make you unhappy or feel insecure. But…do not be afraid to say YES to spontaneous outings, new adventures, a new first kiss, and facing your fears. Because it’s true what they say … Life is short. So if there’s anything you want to change in your life right now. Don’t wait. Here’s your moment!

Tay 🖤