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Message I wish I could send, but not worth it! Just gotta get this out my system…

9 weeks after the final break up and you’re already engaged! So much for “there’s no one else, I don’t want a relationship for a while after this, I’ll be broken after this, I haven’t done anything and neither have you, I never want to hurt you, I respect you too much, I never want to get engaged again…”

Clearly 4yrs of utter bulls***! I gave up one of my biggest dreams out of love and respect for you! And to say “I finally found someone worth it” …go f*** yourself! I doubt she’ll give half as much as I did! All the sacrifices I made, the depth of my devotion, my honesty and loyalty, trust, commitment…it’s you that’s not worthy! To break me like this, the disrespect and malice you have shown after I only ever put you first! I’m sorry I cared too much and you couldn’t handle it, but that’s your problem not mine!

I’m glad I never bared your child! Or I’d be even worse off. I’m glad I never bought the engagement ring I’d spent months choosing and saving for on the off chance you’d say yes, I’m glad you showed your true colours and proved that once a cheat, always a cheat!

I don’t hate you, and I don’t regret the relationship we had, because I was happy and so madly in love! But I was blinded by it! But I’m glad what I gave you allowed you to find happiness with someone else and do all the things you never would’ve before we got together. In a weird way, you’re welcome! Whether you want to admit it or not, I changed you! Now please kindly f*** off and let me enjoy my life without you and find the love and happiness with someone worthy of all I can give and all that I am! I deserve so much better!

Good luck with your rushed relationship built on lies and secrecy!

Regards,

Your much happier ex girlfriend!

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It’s been a tough few days…

So Id finally started moving on. Aside from him collecting the last of his stuff I had no reason to talk to my ex. I finally found someone better!

My now partner has been a friend for 6yrs! He helped me through both my break ups! He’s always been there when I needed someone. He’s supported and cared for me, during those few tough months he’d go on long walks with me and sit with me as I cried over my ex. He’d make me laugh and smile and unleash my inner child. I felt so much better when I was with him. But still never thought of him as anything more than a good friend…until I returned from my holiday and we’d talked about how good we could be. We have similar interests and want all the same things in life. We compliment and support each other, so we tested the waters a little to see if there could be more to us, and eventually decided to make it official and things have been great!

For the first time in my life I’m being treated like an equal, it feels unnatural to be treated so well! After dating 2 narcissists, being with someone who allows me to be myself feels amazing!

But I got a message from my ex 3 days ago, he was going to come and get the last of his stuff. I, stupidly, care too much and felt I had to ask if he’s ok and life is good…then he told me he’s getting married next year!!!

Considering he only moved out 9 weeks ago, even during the break up said he had no interest in dating anyone for a while, he was going to be broken after this…I questioned a photo of him and this girl (whom I was Facebook friends with) looking coupley she’s “just a friend, doesn’t know why it looks like a couple photo, no interest in anything more…” eventhough id suspected her from the beginning. And for 4yrs of us being together he told me he “never wants to get engaged again because that’s when things go wrong” and would never get married, I gave up on my lifelong dream of getting married, although I spent months choosing an engagement ring I was going to give after our holiday (that never happened) on the off chance he’d say yes, all of a sudden he wants to get married!!!

Clearly he was seeing her before we were completely over, while he and I were still sleeping together! God knows how long it was going on for. But things made sense at last. But to get engaged so quickly…and then to see her post of what he said, “I finally found someone worth it”, fuck me did that hurt!

I thought better of him! I never thought he could be that much of a heartless and malicious c***! It won’t last, everyone knows it, you can’t suddenly get married so quickly and expect it to work out! So much for “I have so much respect for you, I’d never want to hurt you…” Bull f***ing s***!

I put him first, always! Everything I did was to make him happy! I sacrificed so much and would’ve died for him! But he’s proven, once a cheat always a cheat! He’s the one that’s not worth it! A relationship built on lies and secrecy is doomed to fail!

I’m better off, and I know that! But given how much I loved and cared for him, for him to see me as worthless! F*** that shattered me! Talking to my mum on the phone about it, I almost puked 3 times! I sat with my current partner and bawled my eyes out…over my ex!!!

It’s not fair to him. It’s not right that it still breaks me. I felt unworthy of his love, because clearly I still have some love left for my ex. Real love doesn’t just die and I was madly in love with him, I was blinded by it! But me and my new partner have always been friends first, and he’s amazingly accepting and understanding. He tells me I’ll heal eventually and it’s worth waiting for. I don’t deserve him, but he sat with me and tried his best to reassure me he’s not going anywhere no matter what. I don’t know how I got so lucky!

The p**** didn’t even turn up for his stuff! Talk about dragging it out! And after I’d left a lovely therapeutic note with it! I’ve written out so much about how I’m better off without him. I don’t hate him, or regret the relationship but I’m so glad I never fell pregnant with his child! And never got the chance to propose! He’s not worthy of the love I have to give!

[feeling-low]

My partner of 4 years broke up with me a couple of months ago. It was a very tough 2 months still living together and working together. Too much to put in words right now, but it broke my spirit!

We were trying for a baby, he told me I was everything to him, that he’s so lucky to have me, doesn’t know what he’d do without me…then he got depressed and pushed me so far away.

He moved out a few weeks ago. I haven’t seen him now for a week. I went on holiday alone and felt much better, came home and saw his empty room and was ok. I thought I was fine.

But last night I had a dream about him, and it hurt. I got through my shift, was fine when I came home, but suddenly it’s hit me again! I feel so lost and alone.

I loved him so much! He was my world! He was gorgeous, funny, caring…basically he ticked almost every single box for me! I thought he was my happy ending. And I’m both hurt and angry that he could treat me the way he did in the end. He did things my previous ex would do, the one who traumatised me. He knew about all of that, so for him to do the same things in the end.

Im currently curled up in tears wondering why and how. Why would he turn on me so suddenly and out of the blue, how could he hurt me like this and treat me like I never meant anything to him. And wondering, does he miss me? Does he regret how he reacted? I know I do, to both. Actions speak louder than words, but I just don’t understand. I gave him everything! He had my whole heart. I gave him a nice home, a well paying job, I helped him through his addictions and depression, I got him through the death of a relative, I made sure he ate, cared for him when he was ill, got him over his travelling issues…he came so far in his time with me. And he made me a better and stronger woman. I learned what love was and put him first in every situation. I made so many sacrifices for him. But it counts for nothing. I feel like I’ve lost everything.

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Still fighting myself. I really want to give in and start trying for a baby. But my overthinking and sensibility it making me hold off. Covid is making everything that much harder. I wouldn’t want a child with all this going on. I also can’t see my family or have them meet him. We also can’t have a couples holiday. But I’m almost 30! I can feel the body clock ticking. Help! 😭

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14 months since my last post. And I am still with this guy. I’m still happy. I still feel loved and cared for.

I saw a post on Facebook that brought me back to thinking about my ex. The fact I gave everything and had to beg him for honesty and to prove he meant it when he’d say “I love you”. He’d say it but it never felt genuine. He’d fuck up and never own up til he was caught, and his apologies were never sincere. I was taken advantage of and he didn’t give a damn. His actions caused severe depression, anxiety and paranoia in me. I came close to suicide several times, but despite everything I still loved him and didn’t want to give up hope. I wanted to believe he would go back to the man he was and knew he could be. I hate that I let him end things after the hell he put me through, it should’ve been me walking away. But it was the one good thing he did. One thing that still bothers me is he blames my behaviour and mental health, things that only happened because he proved untrustworthy and cheated consistently.

It was a month after my ex left that a friend of mine asked me out. I was so conflicted. I didn’t feel ready to give my heart again, I was still very broken. But after the hell I went through I didn’t want to shoot down a chance for happiness, so I said yes. Best decision I have made!

We have now been together 15 months. It’s still early days, but considering things with my ex started falling apart around the 6 month mark... The point is, we’ve been together over a year (3 months of that during lockdown, stuck in the same house with no way out) and we’re still going strong. It’s been a tough time to be in a relationship, unable to go on actual dates or do anything particularly fun. But we’ve managed. We’ve been happy.

He has put me to the test. My mind is my worse enemy, especially after the past. He had a drinking and drug problem which concerned me. He went to see a load of friends and got drunk (which is fine, we all do it), but he phoned me wanting to come home because they brought drugs out and he knows how I feel about them and was scared he’d fall back into it given he’d been clean for months. Really appreciated that! Then just the other day he went to spend the night with a friend, a girl I might add. I trust him and don’t believe he’d do anything...but given when my ex would stay at a girls place things would always happen my mind started conjuring all those “what-if” scenarios. Something that will only stop after being put in situations and being proven otherwise. But he came home and I’m certain there was no funny business which is a huge relief.

I genuinely believe his feelings for me are real. He still tells me he loves me 10+ times a day. He does lots of little things to prove it. He’ll make me a cuppa when I get home from work, he’ll phone me on my break at work, give me random hugs and cuddles, he’ll bring my flowers from time to time...

On top of everything else, he dropped a bomb on my yesterday. He told me he feels ready to be a dad! I knew he wanted kids in the future, but to hear he actually wants a family with me means the world! We won’t be trying for a while though. Need to learn to drive, move house, sort out a career, go on a holiday and introduce him to my parents...those are the things I wanna do first. So maybe in 2/3yrs, but it’s something. I also know he doesn’t want to go through a proposal again after what happened with his ex, but I have already thought if we’re still this happy after 3yrs I might pop the question myself, because I do want to spend the rest of my life with him!

❤️❤️❤️

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Sex and self worth

I am very happy in this new relationship, yes it’s very early days, but I am happy to be with him. But clearly I am still broken from my last. I didn’t want to get into another relationship so quick, but I like this guy so when he asked I wasn’t about to say no.

My last relationship really broke me as a person. My self esteem, self worth...

This guy wants to be with me for me. But I have a hard time believing it. It’s clear it’s not just about sex, but I don’t feel like I can offer anything.

In my last relationship I felt the need to use my money and sex to keep him. This guy doesn’t like people buying him things and doesn’t constantly want sex. I don’t know what I have to offer. I’m nothing special, what is my worth without those things?

All I’ve ever been wanted for is sex. First encounter was just friends fooling about cos we were both lonely. Second guy was pushing for it and made me uncomfortable. Third was my narcissistic ex who had to have it whenever he got hard or would message other girls. Fourth was a friend who only showed interest when sex became a possibility and then after barely spoke to me again. So being with someone who’s not pushing for sex is strange to me. One thing that doesn’t help, he’s very playful. He actually prefers the teasing to sex, which is alright I guess. But he teases me too. But he’ll tease and then leave me hanging. And it breaks me.

I’m sure it’s not the reason, but it makes me feel like there’s something wrong with me. As stupid as it is, I feel undesired and a fear that he’ll get bored and leave. I don’t know how to keep him. I know I shouldn’t have to fight to keep him, but if I did I don’t know what to do. I have nothing to offer. I love him, he makes me happy. He’s so playful and makes me laugh and can be so cute. I’ve spoken to him a little about it, but I don’t know how to be so open. It makes me sound pathetic, and I don’t want to upset him. I don’t know what to do. But I feel like I need sex to prove my worth. And I know that it pathetic and wrong, but it’s what I’m used to and how I feel.

[feeling-low]

So many things have happened in the last few years. I fell madly in love with a guy who did nothing but use and abuse me. I never knew what a narcissist was, until now.

He convinced me he loved me. He was very sweet and affectionate. He told me he thought I was “the one”. We talked of a future, kids and marriage. I became part of his family and he became a part of mine. I gave him everything. My whole heart, all my time, all my money, my virginity. I gave him all my savings to keep him from going prison for not paying his council tax.

But a year in I found he was messaging other girls. He was sending dick pics. He lied. I confronted him and he apologised, giving excuses. He swore he wouldn’t do it again and I believed him. He did it again, but he made the same promise.

Things started to feel ok, but then he snapped. He got drunk and a fight got physical. He grabbed me, slapped me and threw me to the ground. He scared me. The next day he wanted to go on a break, not a break up, a break. One rule was to not sleep with anyone else. He started spending a lot of time with another girl from work, I got concerned but he promised nothing had ever happened and nothing would happen. We were still sleeping together. I then find out a month later he slept with this girl. And wanted to do it again. But he lied to her, he told her we weren’t together in any way. We broke up. But we were still sleeping together anyway.

4 months later I started to move on. I slept with another guy and he lost his mind. He got very upset and angry and was held in a choke hold outside this other guys house. I felt guilty and went home after. He and I talked and got back together. Things seemed ok again, but there was still a lot of pain. He then started hanging out with another friend, a girl again. The pattern was exactly the same. I became worried, he got angry with me and I became so paranoid and completely lost my mind. She blocked me on Facebook. He moved out.

I then find he’s spending all his time with another girl instead of me, won’t reply to messages or anything so I obviously become suspicious. He breaks up with me, I tell him it’ll be the last time. A few days later I sleep with a friend of mine. Suddenly he starts telling me he misses me and can’t think about anyone else and wants me back. It isn’t gonna happen.

A little while after I find out that my friend who blocked me, he did try it on with her. He sent her inappropriate messages and images. He made her uncomfortable. He told her to block me. Told her I hated her, and told me she hated me. We were actually fine, he was the problem. He also put himself between her and another guy, they both really like each other. He wanted to keep her to himself. He’s messed with more lives than just mine. I am fuming and he is dead to me.

It’s become clear to me now that all he wanted was what I could give him, money and sex. I bailed him out so many times. And he had sex on tap. I agreed so many times to sex even if I didn’t want it, just to keep him happy. I felt like I had to give him sex to keep him. I sent him pictures in an attempt to keep him. I sacrificed so much to keep him, but clearly he didn’t want to be kept. He didn’t want me.

I am now in a new relationship. It feels very different with this guy. He has proven he wants more than sex. He has turned it down several times. I’m trying not to fall too hard, it’s a problem I have. I’m trying not to rush it. Take things slow. But oh my god. He is so cute. And knowing he just wants to spend time with me, and he can look after himself. He has a slight drug and alcohol problem, but he is getting help. And I didn’t have to ask. That’s a relief. There are still some problems, but they’re my problems which I’ll put in a separate post cos this is already long enough.

[feeling-low]

Date???

So I’m in a bit of a pickle.

I was working yesterday and concentrating on what I was doing when I heard “R” call my name and ask if Saturday night I’d rather go for drinks or a meal, and without thinking I said drinks. Took me a few minutes to realise what I had just said. Later on he asked me about it, unsure if I was being serious or not. Not thinking I said sure, I’d go out for a few drinks. At the time I was thinking it’ll be just as friends, it’ll be fine. Afterwards though I realised, it was sounding a lot like a date. 

The next day (today), he was all smiles. We were on virtually the same shift so there was no escaping. He was being extra smiley and whatnot which felt a little strange. On my (our) break he sent me a couple of photos to “cheer me up”, they were images of him dressed as a woman which did make me laugh, he then text me saying how he likes making me smile. 

At the end of the shift he turned the light off while I was in the bathroom, such a little s***! I text him that he was a pain in the ass. He then complimented my ass and my smile again.  The conversation eventually went back to a normal chit-chat, til he asked for honestly, asking if he really wasn’t my type as I had told him before. That’s when trouble started. 

I don’t open up. I don’t tell people what I’m thinking or feeling. If I do (which is VERY rare), it takes a lot out of me. My first thought is to say something that’ll protect myself, the second is making sure I don’t hurt the other persons feelings. With these two thoughts in my head, I generally have no choice but to shrug, run away or stay silent. So this text, took me about 10/15mins to reply, during which time I had to talk to my sister on the phone for support. Half the phone call was just me screaming into my pillow because of how insanely difficult it was. 

Eventually I replied, being completely honest and telling him i was unsure. Something that sounds ridiculous, but honestly I don’t really have a type. He’s not a bad looking guy, but not someone who really caught my eye. And yeah we’ve had a few laughs and whatnot, but I’ve never fallen for him. And there have been many occasions he’s made me feel uncomfortable, not by doing anything bad, but by asking me personal questions and trying to push me to speak from my heart. So overall I have very mixed feelings.  

After sending the message, I spent a while longer screaming into my pillow feeling like an idiot as I always go. Regretting exposing myself like that and wishing I could take it back. He replied that once he’s with someone he’s quite normal and wants to do different things with me and hang out. It felt a little more normal, like I could continue the conversation with no awkwardness...until I got his next text asking if I’ve ever been intimate with a man. Cringe! 

At this point I was on the phone to my mum (my personal counsellor, the words of wisdom) and she helped me with the next few messages I sent, saying I wasn’t comfortable talking about that with him, which was true. Really I shouldn’t need help with that, but I was feeling a little overwhelmed and kinda sick.  

Unlike my nan, my mum was encouraging me to go for it. To give it a chance. As she so rightly stated, we haven’t really hung out outside of work, so we don’t really know each other, and if I’m not really sure (which I’m not), I won’t know unless I give it a shot. She was suggesting we go do some kind of activity and asked me what sort of thing I’d want to do, but I’m not sure about that either. Since finishing uni it’s like I have no interests. Work is all I have. So she suggested I ask him and he gave a few ideas, all of which i’d be up for. 

Another slight issue is I am currently hovering at the top end of a downward spiral. I’ve been feeling it for the past few days, slowly sinking deeper. While this whole “R” thing should be nice and happy, it’s triggered my anxiety and pushed me a little closer to the edge. 

Thankfully my best friend is visiting in a few days, and I have another friend coming over tomorrow...so there are many distractions and things should get better before they get worse...I hope...

[feeling-low]

A common feeling. I couldn’t tell you why, but I feel I deserve any and all physical pain I receive, either by others or myself. My mind is already fucked, now it’s my bodies turn!

[feeling-low]

Know this feeling all too well! I hate when I’m asked why I feel like I do, 9/10 I genuinely have no clue!

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Depression trigger?

Someone made me think and talk a bit about my depression last night. It’s not something I really like to talk about, especially not on a night out. Talking of how there’s usually something that triggered the depression, asking me what started mine. 

I’ve suffered for so long I can’t even remember the first time, I remember as early at 7 after the loss of my Grandad (and Grandma). I’m to assume that was the beginning as it was after their death my parents say I became difficult, and was around this time I created a little “good or bad book!”

I remember crying in the playground for weeks after my Grandads passing. Feeling very different in class. I would no longer raise my hand. I would no longer ask for help. I was bullied and sought the protection of my teachers.  

I remember struggling with the birth of my sister. After being an only child for so long, suddenly having to share everything. I wasn’t always first. It was tough. But something I eventually overcame. 

Being terrified if I angered my dad. Knowing he could (and has) broken a door lock in anger. Being scared to do something wrong, or to lose something, knowing how he would react.

Going into secondary school. Year 7 being the worse of my life. Being bullied every day by virtually everyone in our year and a few in years above. Having only 3 people I could talk to in my entire class. Being called spotty and flat-chested.

Being mugged at 12 years old! Having someones hand around my throat. I suppose that’s when I stopped trusting people. And disliked being touched. Something I am still trying to overcome. 

Problems at home between my parents. Being caught in the middle. Hearing every bad thing either of them has done, and feeling my insides be ripped apart by every cruel comment they make. I was suffocating. I had no choice but to tell my closest friends, it was killing me!

So many things to add to the pile! I love all my friends and all my family. But so many things have plummeted my self-confidence and made me fearful and paranoid. Feeling anxious in virtually every situation. Feeling depressed whenever I am alone with my thoughts.  

[feeling-low]

It looks like history is repeating itself! My inability to speak my mind and express emotions is destroying my life! Another friend who I came to care for, who is no longer around! Another time wishing for more, wondering if I’d said something at the beginning would things be any different?! Same thing happened with A, and then L, I wish I knew how to change!  

[feeling-low]

Today I started writing my thoughts and feelings on postets, wasn't expecting this many!

[feeling-low]

Playing happy makes people believe

Isn’t it funny how you can make everyone see what you want them to see and they’ll believe it’s the real you? 

Someone called me “normal” today. I told them I wasn’t (because let’s be honest, I’m a little strange!). They then turned around and said about my not having anxiety or anything, and when I told him otherwise he was so surprised. 

Another guy didn’t have a clue what anxiety was so I spent a while educating him. His first question was “I don’t know if I have it, I might, how do you know?” And as I told him, if you have anxiety you KNOW you have anxiety! I told him of my past, how I used to have my sister hold my hand should I need to talk to a shopkeeper, or avoid it all together. How I would need an entire hour, sometimes more, to prepare for making a phone call as I would be physically shaking. His eyes widened, I think I made my point. 

I just think it’s funny that everyone thinks I’m completely ok. It’s because that’s what I want them to see. I don’t want people to think of me as broken. Even when I’m struggling with life itself, I say I’m ok. I still smile at customers. I get on with my job...so everyone believes it must be true! I put so much into my work that I can’t think of anything else. It’s a welcome distraction. None of them see me outside of work so they don’t know. No one can see what’s going on in my head. 

The number of days I almost deliberately walked out in front of a car on my way to work, or considered taking every pill in my medicine cabinet before bed. Or the times I almost went for a long walk and just kept going. How many times I have hurt myself in the past. Once I thought I might have to be rushed to the hospital as it just wouldn’t stop bleeding, I had to bandage myself up. 

But all my first scars on my arms have faded and are barely noticeable. My uniform covers virtually my entire body so no one can see any recent damages. So if they can’t see, they don’t know. And if they don’t know, they don’t think about it. They don’t need to know all the times I cry myself to sleep. Or all the panic attacks. Or when I rip out my hair. Or hit myself. Or burn myself. Or cut myself. Or contemplate ending it all! As long as I keep it together at work, that’s all that matters. Sure, I can tell them I have anxiety and depression. They just don’t need to know all the details. They don’t want to know!

[feeling-low]

I hate that I love

Don’t get me wrong, things are going great for me at the moment. I’ve not long returned from a lovely holiday with the family, recently been promoted at work, and I’ve just signed a contract for a nicer and cheaper house I’ll be moving into next month. But there’s still something bothering me...

It’s about LEN, the guy from my other posts. I realise it’s been almost a year now. A few months back I seemed to wake up and find myself over it (finally!) But this past week I’ve been thinking again. I’m sure I saw photos of him in the area a few days ago, which makes me sad that I didn’t know, that he wouldn’t even bother to send me a message so we could meet up. You know, I thought we were friends! 

But the main problem I have is when I think about how I acted, what I said...I made a complete tit out of myself! I unintentionally opened my heart to someone I knew wouldn’t care for me, sharing some of my secrets and things about me no-one else knew, saying all the things I would usually keep to myself to avoid feeling ashamed/stupid and now...I just feel like a complete idiot! Why did I tell him? 

So now I find myself regretting, not what we did, but everything I ever said to him. And there’s a part of me that just wants to blame him, to hate him in order to justify my stupidity and move past it...but deep down, I still care too damn much! Some of the memories I have with him, so much fun, so many laughs. Feeling warm, and safe. And he helped bring me out of my shell, he boosted my confidence. Things that I still love him for, things I will ALWAYS love him for! So as much as I want (and in some way need) to hate him, I just can’t! And it’s eating me up inside. I’m not entirely sure what to do! Don’t get me wrong, I am over him, I don’t want anything from him, but I’m left feeling vulnerable and just stupid! I kinda wish we spoke more, saw each other more, so at least we could find our way back to being good friends. But he lives so far away now, and now he’s no longer with his girlfriend who lives down here I have no idea when, or even IF I will see him again. 

Isn’t the mind fun! Who doesn’t like a bit of a mind-fuck! Which reminds me how much I have to avoid songs from The Weeknd’s latest album! I love the songs so much, but I had to avoid Acquainted for months after I found myself reliving memories in my head every time I heard it and it was just hurting too much. Happy to say I can hear it and enjoy it now, no memories! :) And Shameless, my favourite song...but of course...again I can listen to it now, but it still makes me think a little. 

I’m just a sucker for emotional pain I guess!

[feeling-low]

Absorbing the Love

So for once I am doing a happier post. I’ve had many lows since the last post, but I don’t want to go into them while I’m where I’m at in my cycle. 

Right now I feel my heart is gonna explode from my chest! I have been brought to tears after realising people care more than I thought!

TOR was going to come down for a few days and was either leaving on my birthday or the day before, with talks of taking me to a birthday breakfast. Today I found out she’s leaving the day before. 

Now I have an evening sorted with everyone, but I almost cried at the depressing thought of spending my entire birthday alone, or at least until 9pm! I have no family here and all my closest friends live far away (too far to visit!). I am also in a house I don’t like and the only person I would see is my landlady who I don’t particularly like. So, as like a little rant, I shared how depressing it was on facebook, expecting it to be like many of my posts and simply ignored. It wasn’t. PRO from work commented on it! 

Now I love everyone from work, we all get on really well, but I never see them outside of work. We aren’t close enough that I would call them friends. But she commented, she offered to take me out to breakfast instead. I then had a message from FRA saying she would try and make it. And then another, ZO, a girl I don’t work with any more but always got on with, she said she’ll come to breakfast too! 

I felt like the grinch when his heart grew. There was a slight pain in my chest, but a good pain. I felt so much love, it made me cry! Getting messages from a group of girls who offered to come along so I wouldn’t have to spend my birthday alone...it means so much!