findruka

[findruka]

22 February 2017

Insight to what's happening: So right now I can't talk. I can type clearly and write fine, but words come out of my mouth like a kid learning to talk. These 'episodes' are really scary but thankfully as it has already happened before, I don't freak out (but of course I am frustrated).

A lesson I am learning: Don't push yourself to the point your body takes over and doesn't let you choose to do what you want it to do for you.

This is due to YEARS of convincing myself I could cope with 'that' stress a little longer, be it study, work or life, or whatever.

YOU are number one and always are. Never forget that and make sure you live a balanced life and give all aspects of your body recharge frequently.

[findruka]

19 January 2018

Successfully started swimming today with lovely Brasilera. Tired but persevered.

To keep track, its taking me 2.5 mins for 50 m of breaststroke and backstroke, and 1.5 minutes for freestyle. Slowly and surely, will keep at it. Has helped heaps with the tightness in my right side of the body. Also looking for someone to swim on Tuesdays with me xx

I wasn't listening. I was pushing too hard.

Because admitting that I wasn't truly there. Was too much to bare.

[findruka]

13 January 2017

I was signalling that I was not okay.

The Black Dog Institute - shared. Cup-filling activities taking far longer than I would hope - even if my entire heart was in it.

Not much else was said, or heard.

[findruka]

9 January 2017

Reflections, decisions, health and sanity.

Company and breaks welcome.

Much to decide.

But health always comes first, yeah?

I knew the answer, but was needing to convince myself. The signs were there, that the road that I was on, was little left but dust and gravel. In an industry that didn't get it, in a world that wouldn't support it. Where would I go, if the only path I had ever known, for over a decade, had just vanished?

[findruka]

4 January 2017

If you have good thoughts, they will shine out of your face like sunbeams, and you will always look lovely - Roald Dahl.

Trying to remain ever positive - my strength was fading.

[findruka]

31 December 2016

2016 has brought many lessons, ones I can never forget - that have and will shape me until my end of days.

But I thank it for the people and souls I have come to meet and grow with, the experiences I have overcome, and the new paths it will lead me on.

The road to recovery is exceptionally slow. I am still unable to be on my own and require a lot of care, both by others and myself. But I remain positive (albeit, some days, that can be very difficult) - I have learnt a lot!

2017 will be filled with the honest, the real and the resilience I have come to live by now.

Veritas, et nunc, et semper! Truth, now and always.

It's not always going be easy, but it's not always going to be hard.

And with the love and support that you all provide - how could I not feel fine!

Thanks for being the people I love, and I look forward to many more days with you all. I hope you spend this evening loving what you have learned, and with great anticipation of what is to come.

Until the next hug, kiss, snuggle, laugh, cry or whatever,

Love from me to you, now and always xx

[findruka]

Christmas 2016

Reflection and appreciation of family. At least what I thought was family.

What wasn't captured was the joy and light that the two young souls brought into the room. Reminiscing of their little happy faces.

The shakes and movements was somewhat ignored, not brought attention to.

Which with time, made it feel, ever so singular and intrinsic experience.

Yet it wasn't. It was changing my world. And everything I could ever expect to know from then on.

[findruka]

22 December 2016

Home is where the heart is <3

It was starting to dawn. The magic of Norseman. That is was all I really needed. And all I really had.

[findruka]

21 December 2016

Results are in - functional neurological disorder!

Pretty positive due to reversibility and treatment availability.

Shakes, seizures continue with thankful decrease in intensity, with recommendation for swimming daily if possible.

Every day is better albeit slow (but steady which is good)!

Next few days rest with loved ones, back Ngunnawal Country after Chrissy and hangs/visits welcome!

Much love and thanks to those who reached out, dropped in meals, gave Norseman much needed breaks, the treats and company.

We will need much more but am endlessly thankful thus far.

Safe holidays to all.

Remember the lessons I have now learnt, be true and gentle on yourself, take this time to rest and recover, recharge and heal - because you're worth it!

Try avoid becoming DJshakes, Sir-mix-a-lot and Shake-and-Bake Dani like me.

But really, thank you <3

Much needed hope in a time of loss and confusion. So much more, than I could even articulate of grasp in that moment. Disbelief and lack of acceptance, there. Laugh at myself, to displace the pain and grief I was in.

[findruka]

15 December 2016

Working on reactivating math/complex brain.

Played with Buckyballs yesterday with lovely company by Peregrynne.

Slowly remembering, good.

[findruka]

11 December 2016

Picking blueberries with a little sun.

Today is a better day!

[findruka]

5 December 2016

It was starting to sink in.

Loves: improving slow but surely. Conversion disorder. Difficult type and speak, with lots rest and recovery. So much thank love well wishes thought and everything. Update every couple weeks. Visits soon welcome. Hard scary but thankful improve and okay.

I didn't even notice that my communication was stuttered and interrupted. This would change me for the rest of my days.

[findruka]

24 November 2016

I did not truly know, what had just happened ---

Hi loves.

I have had an intensive health emergency over the last three days.

My cerebellum is not communicating well with my frontal lobe, and I have been having seizures ever since.

They are getting better and my movement is returning back to base.

I have been loved and supported by many in this process and with Norseman by my side every step of the way.

It's been a life changing experience which will require some intensive self care over the next month.

If you need, want, or anything really, contact Norseman who can help for this time and for now.

My love is with you all, thank you and I'll be back soon xxx

[findruka]

21 November 2016 - It begins.

[findruka]

SEEN.

I see. Where others do not.

For the only worth possessed.

Is that, of which, is bestowed, by self.

I am here. I still stand. And with the echoes of silence.

I know truth.

That I am more than you could ever know.

That I am more than I can even dream to be.

That it is time. To rise. To be.

In spite, with indifference, and spirited knowing.

[findruka]

Vivir, cantar, bailar, es vida.

[findruka]

Home is where the heart is ❤️