finedarts

[finedarts]

Are you calling to check on me?

“Are you okay?” That’s what I’m hoping to hear

I don’t want to answer your call

I’m so scared that you’re only calling because you need me

You’ve lost the sense of thinking that I’m human

I bleed and I cry, I leave when I’m hurt

Writing is my only escape, because who would even listen?

I expected so much from you, I thought you wanted to listen

I don’t want to go home, I want to keep running away

Sipping a cup of coffee and it’s midnight

I hope it keeps me awake and sane

I don’t want to close my eyes if it’s not death

I want to feel like I’m important, like diamonds;

Precious and worthy—of admiration and security

I don’t want to stay there, I’m so scared

In your eyes, you only saw my wrongdoings and never the joy that I brought in your life

And I’m still craving for your care and love

Hoping that one day, I’ll hear that you want me to stay

[finedarts]

Here’s another night where i’m here alone,

Writing about you and how I feel

I cried this morning, I took all the blame

No one’s left to blame, it’s me!

A person who lacked the intelligence to sense sad

I’m who you need to take all of these responsibilities

I thought of killing myself this morning,

Hoping that my blood is thicker than all my sins

I bathe in mistakes that you also commit

It burns thrice and tears my spirit to live

[finedarts]

It’s sad that I can only write my sadness and pain away.

[finedarts]

Love in my thoughts, should be open and encouraging

Encouraging you to grow, make you feel right

It should make you stay and be happy

Staying is a strong sign of love

But if love starts to make you run away,

Does it still sound okay?

Can love be there and when he asks you to stay away?

Or love is pain

I wrote this while at work thinking of how love really is. Does it have to let you go this way?

Is it something that should bind different people with huge gaps in all stands of living?

[finedarts]

Ma,

Thank you for everything. Im sorry i couldnt make it. I know im stubborn and i have always fought back and stood my ground. Thats what i learned in life. Numerous times i was alone fighting m yown battles that i wished you were there. Or at least i have someone that will listen and understand. I grew up alone, wondering along and taking all these painful memories alone.

Many times i was hurt because people made me feel like i do not look good. That i am not enough. I tired so hard to fit in and find the right set of people that would make me feel comfortable and be friends with them. Nevertheless, thank you for providing my needs even it was really hard for you. I forgive you and i hope you forgive me in doing this to myself. Do not be sad, this would give peace and rest to me and to everyone whom i know.

I hope you knew how sad i was growing up. I hope you understood how hard was the pressure that life gave to me.

[finedarts]

If incase the day came and I can no longer continue life and do it, here’s the complete list of thanks and sorrows that I want to share.

I was raised alone, not knowing and feeling the love of a family. We’re together but it didn’t seem like that. I was sad for a very long time. Trying to fit in and find who I really am. I was lost and I was never found.

To raymond,

Thank you for the last seven years of my life. I owe you a lot. You made me happy even if my body doesn’t cooperate to smile. Deep inside you made me feel alive, safe, secure and happy. I know i have a lot of flaws and lately i know i have been slowing down. I cant catch your pace. You have been spending so much for us to be happy and to enjoy. I know i could not equate and pay you back in time. Im here frozen and still thinking how we have gone and end up like this. I know i can no longer continue living because i came to realize that maybe i was the one to blame for everything. But please know that i have a reason for everything that i do and i have told you everything that i want. Every night, when i sleep beside you i feel safe. Your presence is enough to keep me going. You, luna and milo makes my day complete. Honestly i couldnt ask for more, or for anything with that feeling. I tumble down and make mistakes, and for you it seems like a big deal when i snap put of patience. I hope you find someone who can bring out the same joy, energy or even something bigger from what i currently see. I pray that you go to places that youve never been and conquer your fears. Im happy to work and be part of your growth as a person. You had the strength and courage that i wish i had. I hope i looked good enough too, just like how you look like. I know you are filled with anger and hatred as i know you think that i will always be the negative energy that will bring you down. Please know that i love you so much. No right words, and i cant think of anything to describe this feeling. Its been a rough fallout.

And i have to be honest, i never liked the feeling of being thrown away and rejected everytime we fight or if i ever came and raised my voice. You made me feel like a piece of paper that you can always throw away whenever you want to. But i know, you have the upper hand to send me out as i owe you a lot. In this love, youve spent so much money and time to keep it running. And thats why i never had the guts to share my deeper problems because i dont want to add up and be a bigger responsibility that i currently am. I know you wanted to settle and live like a formal couple, but i couldnt settle for now. I want you in my life but with the load that i have from my family? Its so heavy. And i wish i can lift both. This has always been a tough topic for me because i feel so embarassed having the burden with my family. You had siblings and they have a home that doesnt ask for a rent and we are only four. I always had that picture in my mind, trust me. You and me in a household. Everyday cooking for you, eating together, sleeping together… that’s all i’ve ever dreamed of. But i guess this is the end. I know you hate me for making you feel that way. I wasnt always perfect, and you are too but we’re trying to make things work. But you asked me to leave and never come back. I guess my absence will give you peace. And i think about that a lot too. Im sorry if i had to write this long, i wanted to make sure that i dont get to miss anything as i know this would be the last. My heart feels so heavy right know and i dont know where to start, do not worry about me.

Please love and take care of luna and milo. I hope you continue to grow together as a family without me. They gave me joy and happiness everytime i go home. I feel so much love whenever i am with them. If you feel like you can no longer take the responsibility to take care of them please ask my family to keep them. I know for sure they will be happy to keep them as their very own. They were like our kids and i would feel very sad if you let them go. It may remind you of me, but think of them as your very own. I know they can be messy at times, but they love you too. Please give them hugs on behalf of my last goodbye.

Im sorry that you felt this way and i know ive been sorry for a long time now. Ive asked for chances and your apology for numerous times, and maybe this time my luck may not work anymore. I know you are hurt, just like i am. You wanted to leave me many times as I know I am stagnant and I look like i have no good future in life. I struggle so much and you know sleep is my escape from reality. I always wished to sleep and never wake up. Your sadness is always in my thoughts. Same as the sad realities that you came to realize in our relationship. I always have that everyday in my mind trying to think of ways on how i can redeem and bounce back for the defeated loser that i am in your mind. Everyday, i think and wonder how would life be without me. I hope you do not forget the happy memories that we since the beginning. The humble moments that we had from eating street foods, traveling with a strict budget and visiting new places that we have never been to. I know i was the adventurous one, making those memories with you were absolutely the best that i could ever do in my life. I enjoyed all the korean grills that weve been to. Being able to travel to far away place was also a great memory, all made with you.

If you are still thinking about it, my doors are still open. My eyes maybe are soaked from crying but i can still be happy living with you. I dont know how the next days or weeks will be for me. I dont know how christmas will be for me. I am truly sorry for raising my voice, i run out of patience too. Just like what you said, you know my address and you know my number.

This post is only for you raymond, the next people will be mentioned on the future scheduled post. Take this as my apology, love letter and maybe goodbye if i dont make it another day. Please grow and take care always.

[finedarts]

Stress and suffering

If I ask nicely will people reblog this and tell me what their most common breakfast is? Not your favorite necessarily, just what you have for breakfast most frequently? 🙏🏽

[finedarts]

i wish die quietly, in no one’s thoughts i would be free

Not a single trace in the grass where it’s green

“Beam me up in the sky” I scream

Flying like a dust in the wind,

hopelessness, numb and sorrowful

I hate myself for even breathing

Not a single thought, love or care

I lived alone from childhood to adult

[finedarts]

Resting in Peace

This is it. I found death in your silence.

This is your way to burn my heart to ashes.

Treat me in silence, like I don’t exist at all.

Invisible and unknown, for days I haven’t heard you

You got your peace in my absence

My mind is in war while you sleep softly

On that night I died, I wanted to be understood

But you wanted to be right and prompt

Three days of noiseless pain

Ended ties and lost connections

Where would I go now?

I’m like a child lost in the streets of the unknown

Confused if I wanted to call you back

And sure enough, you will never respond

[finedarts]

Hopeless and thinking I couldn’t do anything but die

Death is the answer in favor of this tormenting pain

I don’t even know where to start as I fumble again

Stumbling, my knees are weak, I need your help

You wanted it this way and I couldn’t comprehend

All I wanted was to be understood, like you do

Was it hard to listen to how I felt that night?

Were you blinded by the chances that will pass by

That I will always understand and adjust—

To make you feel cozy everywhere you go

And still I ask “what about me?”

Things were harder for me but have you wondered—

How I braved your ghosts and monster?

Were you blinded by what I can offer?

Have you ever thought of “me”, when you were rising

I ignored the fact that I was noy growing anymore—

For your sake, that’s the pride that I ended up eating

Everyday I was feeding myself with anxiousness—

Still I ask, “Will I ever make it to where you are now?”

Still I try to run even if you are light years away

Hopeless as I write this, not a single word from you

Silence and dead presence, as if I was six feet under

I hope you can sleep at happily at night

I still wonder “Does he think about me?”—

And what I was giving up for every moment with him

I drown in shadows, I hope you come and see me

[finedarts]

It storming again….

Rage washing memories away, sorrows rising like tides

How long could I still bear supressing this feeling

I smiled as I wept, staring at the mirror lost and confused

I don’t know what to feel, who am I supposed to talk to?

My mind spins like how these depressing melodies circle my ears

I write as I could not speak, I write as I wanted to cry

I still question my worth, and myself

I wanted to cry every time I breathe thinking about us

All is lost as all the ties that we had were cut

I was already alone before you asked me to leave

I was down and drowning, hoping you could save me

Like I did when I saved you, held an arm when you didn’t know you needed one

Slowly, darkness creeps in— nothing sinks in

[finedarts]

Can I gaze from afar? I want to see you grow

You were my gem and it excites me to see you shine

Day and night, sparkling beauty that I adore

Blossoming like a summer flower

I watched you get nurtured, from dusk to dawn

May the seasons nestle you as you go

[finedarts]

I love your eyes, they remind me of the stars

They beam joy and hope that can take you to the sky

The crease when you smile, I love your laugh—

It takes me to an instant delusional euphoria

I fell deeply in your arms, the warmth and love

And I wish I could never escape— you, I love you

[finedarts]

My pulse starts to slow down, my head starts to spin

I never pictured to meet melancholy at the end

It was you who shut me off even when you’re wrong

I’ve had countless tears in the back of my mind—

Hoping and screaming for release, but I couldn’t

I don’t have anyone else! I don’t have anybody now

You programmed me to jar all up together inside me

I wanted to die, I wanted to explode and disappear

I desperately wish that you think of me—

Think of me in the morning, think of me at night,

Think of me like I was brighter than the moonlight

Like I was prettier than spring blooms

Think of me like this was the last time we see the day

Because I know you will leave and never stay

[finedarts]

Now what?

Where should I start? How can I heal from this tormenting heartbreak. I don’t even know where to begin. I lost myself and many to keep up with you. We raced together but you got ahead of me, slowly I was drifting away and I couldn’t catch up anymore.

You constantly denied that I’ve helped you through this. I am nothing but a great disgrace from your egoistic ideas of how you paved your way to who you have been. It’s funny how you want me to go away and leave like nothing happened.

You cannot admit what you did was wrong. My feelings were never valid and my truth will always be living lies to you. I am puzzled what to do next. Lucky you! You’ve built nets to save you when you have nothing else to lose.

[finedarts]

I woke up late, the bed was warm in this scorching summer season but my heart felt cold. It was sad and I feel numb. That sleep took hours and hours, a slumber that I have been dying not to wake up from. I read your messages with a numb feeling and tiredness. I have tried to do everything that my strength can do in this time that I am struggling to see a pulse of light.

I left everything and deleted the world where I used to move. I pity myself because I never thought I could do that. Never knowing what to say but know that I am tired and my mental health is on verge of collapse. Still, you never think of what i feel.

[finedarts]

You know what I feel right now? Ugly. I feel deeply ugly from my skin to my soul. So ugly and hideous, no one would love me or even meet me. You make me feel ugly and unwanted every time you drop your words like bombs exploding straight to my face. I have written many time how much I wanted to cry but I am deep down ugly to shed a tear.

It feels like no one else would love who I am. No one could ever accept how I talk, how I act and how I think about things. I terribly feel like starving myself is the only way out here. I am ugly and fat. My skin is dark and uneven. It’s like the sun cansted its shadow on my skin. I badly want to scrape my skin off.

You made me believe that you accept and love who I am, but what’s happening now? I am crumbling down to pieces wanting to burst out and disappear. I feel ugly and my body looks like a warped figure. So ugly that you care less about how I appear.

Sometimes I fear and feel like not going outside at all, thinking about how ugly I feel and I hope you know.