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finelinebean · 2 years ago

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I say your name in hopes you hear it in the stars: Chapter One

It was around 10:30 last time Louis checked, and he’s outside on the terrace, dancing around to the music that’s bleeding through the open door. There are a few other people out here, and Louis’s sure they’re all as drunk as he is. Or on something at least. Louis laughs too loudly and it sounds like everyone else joins in. They all laugh at nothing and smile as wide as they can. It feels good to forget. It feels good to remember how to feel good. Every time Louis goes for a while without drinking he forgets this. He should do it more often.

Liam comes over to him and Louis can feel his arms snake around his waist from behind. He kisses him on the cheek and Louis giggles.

"I feel good," Louis tells him, turning around and hugging him. Louis feels like he could cry. It's the first time in a long time he hasn't had to think about anything. He’s just here. Just living. And Louis knows it’s because of the alcohol. And he knows it’s because he feels safe in his own apartment. And he knows it’s because Liam is here. But regardless, it’s an amazing feeling.

Liam looks at him, his eyes glassy too. Louis knows he's proud.

"I'm so happy for you, Lou." he breathes, pulling him in for another hug.

Liam is the only one who knows everything about Louis. The only living person. He knows how Louis feels. Or how Louis doesn't feel, more like. They have a safeword, one Louis had with his mom too. When one of them says the safeword, they drop everything and run to them, no matter what. It makes Louis feel safe. It's one of the only things that does, nowadays.

The music feels so nice in his ears. It feels like it's moving him. Louis likes being drunk. He tries to take another drink from his cup but it's empty. He frowns and looks at Liam, thinking about asking him to make him another, but he seems preoccupied with that blonde guy in the corner again.

Louis lets out a small huff and goes back inside. He looks all over the drink table for something that matches the color of the drink he had before. It was an amber color, but a little cloudy. And sour.

"Want to try this?" Louis hears a voice echo behind him. "You seem lost."

He just nods his head and takes the drink from the faceless person. Louis downs it in one gulp again and he feels amazing. Invincible, really. He gives them back the cup and turns around to go back out to the deck.

"Woah, wait." the voice starts again, and a hand pulls his shoulder. "You shouldn't go outside dressed like that, it's like forty degrees out. You'll catch a cold."

"No I-I won't. I'm hot. Really hot. It’s hot in here. I was just out there." Louis argues, squinting his eyes and feeling annoyed. He feels a rush of cold air as the door to the terrace opens again, and just as he’s about to escape, the voice's hand moves down to his and pulls him out of the way.

Louis is pulled into a random chest and lets out a huff. He feels his brain rattling around in his skull and takes a breath. He looks up at the person and he can’t even make out what color hair they have. Everything is blurry. But he can’t ignore the feeling that’s igniting inside him. He hasn’t had a hookup in what’s felt like forever. He needs a distraction.

“Cm’ere,” Louis says, pulling the faceless being toward the direction of his room. He unlocks it clumsily and they both stumble inside. He pushes them against the door and immediately locks his lips with theirs. It takes them a moment to respond, but their lips begin moving in sync with Louis’ and he grins.

Hands reach around his waist and Louis grabs them both in an instant, pinning them to the door behind them. Louis moves to kiss the stranger’s jaw and down to their neck, biting and sucking small love bites around their clavicle. Their skin is clammy, but it’s smooth and soft underneath. Louis creeps down to his knees and begins unbuckling their belt, feeling a noticeable bulge.

“Woah, woah. You okay?” the voice says, pushing Louis away on his forehead. Louis immediately pouts and looks up at him.

“Please?” Louis whines, still palming him in his jeans.

“I-I mean, sure. If you want to." he breathes. Louis giggles and starts to take his belt off and unzip his jeans.

He’s wearing soft underwear, but Louis only notices it for a second before tugging them down his legs along with his jeans. His erection springs up and Louis smiles to himself.

Louis immediately grabs the base and gives a long, languid stroke up to the tip. He’s still not fully hard, but Louis knows he’ll get there. He hears the stranger groan and he lets out a chuckle. Without warning, Louis takes his tip in his mouth and begins circling his tongue around it, tasting his precum and groaning.

“Shit-” the faceless person breathes, and that encourages Louis to take more of him in his mouth. He reaches all the way down, his nose brushing against the skin of the stranger’s stomach. Louis moans at the feeling of him hitting the back of his throat, and the stranger grabs the back of his head, keeping him there. Tears form in his eyes and Louis relishes the feeling. To cry from something physical instead of emotional is a change for him. He lets them fall out the corners of his eyes and focuses on his breathing.

Louis hears the door open, but he couldn’t give less of a shit. He’s fully clothed. It’s the stranger who should be worried. But something tells Louis he doesn’t care either.

“Oh, uh. Sorry.”

Louis rolls his eyes and reaches in front of himself, pushing the door shut quickly, with the stranger still down his throat. He moves his tongue around skillfully over and over again, knowing just how to break him down. Louis looks up at him and for the first time, some of his features are noticeable. His cheeks are flushed and his bottom lip is taken in between his teeth. He catches Louis looking at him and groans.

“Fuck yes,” he moans out, his hands raking through Louis’s hair and gently tugging. It’s not a rough gesture, it feels genuine. Louis just blinks and keeps his eyes on him, moving the root of his tongue around the vein at the underside of the stranger’s length slowly. Louis can feel him fall apart in front of him.

“I’m gonna come.” the stranger chokes out. Louis smiles and pulls back slowly, focusing on his tip again. He feels the backs of the strangers’ legs shake and goes down all the way for a final time.

Louis’s nose tickles from the hair of the stranger’s stomach, but then he’s distracted by cum shooting down his throat.

Good.

Louis pulls himself back and the stranger’s cock flops out of his mouth. He looks up at him with a smile and lazy eyes. He’s still drunk and everything is hazy.

“What’s your name?” the stranger grunts, zipping his jeans up.

“Louis.”

Louis lies on his side on the floor and feels his eyelids get heavy. The stranger stalks out of the room and Louis sighs, holding his arms crossed over his chest. He just needs to rest for a second.

"Louis!” he hears Liam call, pounding on his door. He sits up quickly and looks around, feeling dizzy. He doesn’t know how long he was out. He gets up on his knees and opens the door, peering out at Liam waiting there expectantly. “I was looking for you, Lou. I think you've had enough, man."

Louis whines and shakes his head. "No. I was having fun. I want more. I want to forget. You know that." he suddenly feels devastated.

Liam pulls him up and into a hug and whispers to a person behind Louis. He sniffles into Liam’s neck and pulls back. "I think you need to go to bed, Lou. Things are ending anyway."

Liam takes his hand and leads him back to his bed. Louis falls onto it backwards and looks up at the ceiling. It's spinning and he feels nauseous. He gets up quickly and runs into the bathroom. He barely makes it, and thanks god that the toilet seat was open. Liam is right behind him, rubbing his back as he empties his stomach into their toilet.

“Is he okay?” Louis hears a familiar voice ask.

“Yes, he’s fine. Don’t worry. I’ll take care of him. Just leave.” Liam says as he rubs Louis’s back. He whispers something, but Louis can't hear him. He just wants to feel numb again.

❈ ❈ ❈

"Mr. Tomlinson, if you can't stay awake for my class, I suggest you switch to the evening session. This course is required for all performance majors."

Louis slowly opens his eyes and immediately wishes he hadn't. Professor Young is staring at him from over his glasses, expecting him to say something. Louis mumbles a quick apology, realizing he’s the last to leave, and hurries out.

"Mr. Tomlinson," he calls after him. "Is everything okay? Partied too hard last night?” Louis could tell he was trying to make him feel better, even chuckling after he made his comment, but it wasn't the slightest bit funny to him. Louis nods, pulling the strap for his bag even farther up his shoulder, and walks out of the classroom, quickly out of the building onto the sidewalk. He pulls out a cigarette and lights it with ease.

"Hey Lou, what happened? Everyone left a while ago."

Louis jumps slightly, startled, but then sees Liam on a bench a few feet away. "Hey, fell asleep. Thanks for waiting for me though." Louis takes a drag and looks up at Liam as he walks over to him.

"Oh, I didn't even realize, I thought you just stayed after to talk to your professor. Do you just want to go home and nap?" Liam asks, sympathy crossing his face.

"I can't right now, I have to go meet with the career office about that new job I'm taking. And it’s my own fault I’m tired anyway."

"Louis," Liam huffs "The job at Tom’s is already too much, obviously, you're falling asleep in class."

"It’s the first day of classes and I got hungover last night, okay? It won’t be like this all the time. I don't have any other choice, anyway. I need to make money, there are three more semesters to pay for. Tom’s is only on the weekends anyway."

"Why don’t you give viola lessons?" he questions, as if he doesn't already know the answer.

"I told you, Liam, I can’t do that with my schedule this semester. Besides, I don’t even have my degree yet. No one will want to take lessons from me." Louis mumbles nonchalantly, checking his watch. "I have to go, I have that meeting now."

"Wait! Are you still on for hosting the party on Friday?"

Louis rolls his eyes only because he knows Liam can't see him, he had already turned to start walking. Louis taps off his cigarette and throws it on the ground, twisting his shoe over it. "I don't know. We just had a party last night. And it's my only Friday off for who knows how long, Liam." he sighs, facing Liam again.

"Exactly! Spend it getting trashed!" he exclaims as if it were obvious. It does sound tempting.

"Only if there are some hot guys there." Louis shrugs, reasoning with him. Louis turns back around and walks away.

Liam eyes Louis as he leaves, only offering a wave. Louis turns his head back slightly, telling him he’ll see him at home later tonight, then makes his way back inside and to the career services office.

Louis knocks on the office with the label "Jessica Coleman: Career Services Director," He’s only spoken to Jessica over email, but she seems nice enough. The door opens and a small woman pokes her head out, her eyebrows up.

"Ms. Coleman? We have a meeting?" Louis means for it to come out as a declarative statement, but due to his nervousness, it sounds like a question.

"Yes, yes, come on in. Lewis, right?" she asks.

“Louis.”

"Alright, Louis. This will only take a minute, nothing special."

Louis makes his way inside and puts his bag down, sitting in a chair across from her desk.

"So you're here about the babysitting position, correct?" she asks, and Louis nods along, watching as she inputs information into her computer. "The family is very thankful that a male was willing to take the position, not a lot of our male students are interested in babysitting, and they specifically wanted one. But the family lives in the neighborhood, they have two young children," she says. Louis nods and smiles at her.

"Well, I'm happy to help out. I love kids," Louis tells her. He’s not lying, necessarily. He really does like kids, he practically raised all of his siblings, but to be honest, if he didn't need the money he would much rather stay in his apartment and sleep instead of having yet another responsibility.

"Okay so I will give your number to the Kohler family, and they should be in contact with you either today or tomorrow. Sorry to make you come all the way up here, but we have to meet in person to make everything official," she says, handing Louis a clipboard with a paper for him to sign on it. "This is just a standard agreement for the Columbia Babysitting Program, it's not that big of a deal, it just says that you acknowledge that you're an extension of the school and that you will uphold our values as an institution in the home of the family you're working for."

Louis nods along blindly, feeling himself falling asleep as she keeps speaking. He haphazardly signs his name and dates the paper before giving it back to her, saying his goodbyes, and leaving her office. It all seemed to happen in an instant, and before he knew it he was dragging himself to the library to get some work done.

Louis used to think being a performance major would exempt him from the monotonous parts of college, research papers, problem sets, essays. But of course not, they have just as much as anyone else. But since it’s the first day, all Louis is doing is printing out some sheet music and taking notes. His duets course is in half an hour, so he looks over those pieces first. He’s already played both of the Mozart duets listed on the syllabus before, but it still helps to review. He prints out the sheet music he’ll need for ensemble performance later in the afternoon, too, knowing he won’t have time between classes.

Then he takes some time and listens to the sonata he’s going to be playing this semester, familiarizing himself with its rhythm and cadence, following along in his sheet music, and making markings wherever he sees fit. Louis will spend more time with the sonata, of course, because it’s his solo piece and it gives him a chance to shine individually. His duets course, however, is going to require collaboration. It’s not that Louis doesn’t enjoy collaboration; it’s such a huge part of music and there’s no getting around it. He would rather just mess up on his own than bring someone else down with him. Or have someone else bring him down.

Louis furiously makes his way through the left-hand fingerings at the beginning of the allegro part, and he’s exhausted, wishing he was at home. There’s no reason for him to do this all in the library, really, except he knows Liam is home right now, and as soon as he gets there he’s going to ask him a million questions about the party. He just needs to focus on something else instead of Liam-sanctioned socialization. Louis wouldn’t mind if people came over to their place, truly, he would just lock himself in his room and relax. But knowing Liam, he’d strongarm him out into the party to greet everyone and “enjoy” it.

Louis would rather just hook up with some guy or girl there, which is hopefully what happens. It’s something to get his mind off of the social aspect of things. He’s a lot better at sucking a guy off than asking about his home life. So he likes to stick to what he knows.

Louis decides to pack up his things and go to class early, forgoing taking any more notes for now. He stops by the cafeteria and gets a small coffee first, finishing it in the elevator down to the first floor, not even flinching. He just needs a boost, he wasn’t looking for flavor.

The coffee cup is discarded outside of the theater, he knows all food and drinks are prohibited, technically. It’s only because it’s the first day though, as soon as the professor caves and brings in a coffee to class they’ll know they can as well. It usually happens around the third or fourth week of classes.

Louis sits somewhere in the middle of the conglomerate of seats. Not too close to the front, not too far back. He just wants to be average. Louis likes to let his playing speak for itself, he doesn’t have to suck up to professors or pretend like he doesn’t care to shock people. He just loves music, it’s nothing spectacular.

More people file in as Louis shuffles through the playlist he made this morning. He’s really only looking for one song, but he keeps shuffling the playlist until he finds it.

Brand New City by Mitski finally comes up in the queue and Louis smiles to himself. It usually pumps him up for class and is a departure from the music he normally listens to. He usually listens to more ambient or soft music, because he uses it as a distraction, but Louis has a soft spot for Mitski. She has a song for every mood, and Brand New City is perfect for the first day of one of the most important semesters of his college career.

Louis switches the playlist to repeat, takes out one earphone, and leans back in the auditorium chair. The music is only coming through his left ear now, but Louis doesn’t want to risk missing when the professor comes in.

Louis feels someone move behind him and he squeezes his eyes together tighter. Then their hands are in his hair and Louis sits up, whipping his head around to look at them.

His wide eyes meet a pair of dark brown ones that he recognizes, and he feels relief. Followed immediately by annoyance, of course.

“Hey, Louis! Fancy seeing you here,”

Louis rolls his eyes and faces forward again “Yeah, not like all of us have been waiting for this course all summer.”

“You said it, not me,” she giggles. Louis hates the way Tara giggles. She giggles like that right before she comes too, it’s repulsive.

They hooked up once freshman year and now she thinks they’re the best of friends. She wasn’t even good in bed, so Louis has no idea what gave her the impression that he was interested in her in any capacity. But he thinks he was one of the first guys she was with sexually, so that might play into things.

“Did you have a good summer?” she asks Louis, sitting directly behind him.

“Yeah. Did you?” he responds begrudgingly, not wanting to be rude. Her father pays a lot of money for her to go to this school because lord knows she would not have gotten in on her musical merits alone. As much as she annoys him, having a connection with her is a good thing for his career. But Louis can only fake so much.

“Of course! I was in the Hamptons for most of it, so that was fun. But honestly, I’m kind of bored of that place now, so I’m glad I’m back in my apartment.”

That’s the other thing about Tara. She has the most gorgeous apartment on the Upper West Side. Louis’s willing to admit that. She lives there on her own, believe it or not. But she has a hired cleaning service, chef, and someone to buy her groceries. Louis’s not sure what she does all day, since she doesn’t work, but he guesses when you have the time you find things to do.

Her apartment is a penthouse, naturally, in a building with, not one, but two doormen who wear tuxedos. She has twenty-four-hour security and a key to a special elevator that’s only for her.

Louis observed this all on his way up to her apartment that one time freshman year, and even though it was brief, a place like that is hard to forget.

Louis nods, pretending like he heard what she said after she mentioned her apartment, and his focus is shifted to the stage. Thank god. The professor, he’s assuming, walks up the stairs and lays her bag down beside the grand piano on the stage. She sits at the piano bench and looks up at the crowd.

“I’ll give everyone a few more minutes, it’s the first day.”

Louis smiles at her kindness, something not usually afforded in the music department. He remembers arriving late to my first ensemble rehearsal by three minutes. The whole ensemble was already tuned and the professor made him tune his viola by himself in front of everyone, as the concertmaster held an A until Louis was finished. It was humiliating. He’s never arrived less than twenty minutes early to a class after that.

More people file in all at once, probably coming from another course that just finished. It’s a group of people Louis doesn’t recognize. He more or less knows everyone else, as they’ve been in the same program for two years already, but this group looks unfamiliar. Although maybe he shouldn’t judge, he certainly doesn’t make an effort to get to know anyone.

“Alright, let’s get going, then. Okay?” The professor says from the small stage, standing up from her spot on the piano bench. Louis only needs to turn my neck up slightly to look at her, the stage isn’t that high off the ground.

“So, just to make sure everyone is in the right course, this is Performance 322: Duets. If you’re in the wrong place, it was a pleasure to have you. If you’re in the right place, here we go!”

Louis laughs lightly along with some other students. This professor seems like a normal person, another rarity when you’re studying music.

“My name is Professor Hart. You can call me Professor Hart, Dr. Hart, Erin, whatever you want. I’m not tenured so I don’t really think I have a say.”

She claps her hands together once in finality, and sits down on the edge of the stage, her legs hanging off casually.

“I grew up in Indiana, went to Juilliard, and I’ve been working with chamber ensembles and other groups around the city for the years since then. But I do love to teach, especially about the beauty of musical coalescence. So that’s why I’m here. I want to teach you all how to coalesce. Not into one big group, because I’m sure you’re familiar with that in your ensemble courses. This course is designed to be completed in pairs, as the title suggests, and we will be doing things a little differently this semester.”

Louis gulps as he catches Professor Hart looking right at him. It’s not surprising, as he’s pretty much exactly in her eye line, but it’s still unnerving.

“This semester, both viola and violin performance students are enrolled in the same section, as I’m sure a few of you gathered. We will be working in pairs, one of each instrument, for the duration of the semester. I have assigned each pair a piece, which you will prepare for a grade. In addition, there will be an opportunity for the most collaborative and coalesced pairing to perform a piece with the ensemble of first-year students.”

Shit.

Louis doesn’t know any violinists. And there’s a reason, sure, but now it’s coming to bite him in the ass. Violinists are stuck-up, ruthless, and condescendingly technical. It’s like they know their instrument will sound beautiful no matter what. They have no musicality. They’ve never had to work for their instrument to sound gentle and harmonious. They don’t get it. Louis would rather swallow glass than coalesce with a violinist for an entire semester.

“Okay, now, the groups!” Professor Hart says, standing up on the stage again. “When I call your first name, please come on up to the stage. Do not bring anything. Phones at your seats, please.”

There is a small chorus of groans and Louis rolls his eyes at how dependent these people are. He sits idly while listening to the names. She’s surprisingly pronouncing them all right. All of the ones Louis knows, at least.

“Harry and Lewis,” says Professor Hart, gesturing to an open space on the stage. There it is. Louis gets up from his seat and moves swiftly out of the row. Louis feels someone behind him as he makes his way up the stairs of the stage. Louis goes over to the spot that Professor Hart gestured to and gives her a polite nod. She moves on to the next pairing and Louis feels a presence next to him that he refuses to look at.

“You lied.” whispers the presence next to him.

Louis jumps back and bumps into a shoulder. Louis turns his head and narrows his eyes at his partner.

“Excuse me?” Louis forces out quietly, his teeth clenched.

“You told me your name was Louis, not Lewis.” the man says, smirking.

“What? I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Louis tells him, turning back to the front of the stage as Professor Hart calls up the final group.

“Sure you do, you were the one begging to suck my cock last night.”

Louis whips his head to the side, his mouth open in shock at this stranger’s candor. He just meets Louis’ eyes and smiles, placing a hand on his lower back.

“Close your mouth, love, the professor’s speaking.”

Louis follows his directions and turns back to Professor Hart. He missed the beginning of her sentence.

“-in November, and then the final performances will be in December, as is customary. I will email each pair the sheet music arrangement of your given duet, as well as post the sheet music for the Bruch Concerto.”

Some students nod along, and Louis follows suit, pretending that he heard her whole sentence. The man’s hand is still on his lower back and Louis can feel his flesh searing into the fabric of his shirt against his will. Louis rolls his shoulders back, hoping he gets the hint.

He does not.

“So that’s it for today, but I will see you all again on Wednesday where we will discuss these pairings in-depth and what that means for your music. You all weren’t paired up by accident. Now enjoy your afternoon, be well.”

Louis blinks and shakes his head, trying to rid himself of the feeling of this man’s hand on his back. He steps forward and walks to the end of the stage and down the steps, but he can still feel it.

It’s always like this.

Louis shuffles through his row and grabs his bag, heading up to the professor who is also packing up. Louis pulls his tote bag up higher on his shoulder, feeling self-conscious suddenly. She went to Juilliard. Louis wonders if she’ll be able to tell that Louis auditioned there. She can probably sense it.

“Professor?” Louis asks meekly, seeing her head lift up from its position facing the ground.

“Lewis, right?”

“It’s actually Louis.”

“Alright, Louis. What can I do for you?”

“I, uh, wanted to talk to you about the course. Is this the only section being offered this term?” Louis stutters.

“Yes, is there a problem with sche-”

“What about next semester?” Louis asks quickly, “Sorry to interrupt, I’m sorry.”

“Louis, what’s this about?” she asks, cracking a smile.

“I just, uh, I don’t enjoy being paired with other musicians for a grade.”

“Well, unfortunately, that will be the case no matter when you take the course.”

“Would it be possible to change partners, then?” Louis asks, building up the bit of courage he still has left.

“I’m afraid not, Louis. As I said, these pairings were not made by accident. They were carefully selected by the music department faculty. You and Harry will make a great pair.”

Harry. Louis hadn’t caught his name when she called it, just listening for his own.

Louis nods his head and chews on the inside of his cheek, trying not to think about the humiliation that Harry could possibly put him through for the entire semester. If today was anything to go by, Louis will have to physically drag himself to this course every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday.

Louis blinks away the tears of frustration that built up quickly, and turns away, mumbling “Have a good afternoon.” He can’t even fathom the possibility of seeing that man three days a week, especially if he’ll continue to put his hands on him. Louis needs to be firmer with him, but when his hand was placed on his back, it’s like he froze. It’s always like that.

Louis walks across the stage and down the stairs with his head down, finally lifting it to find someone standing in the doorway.

“You can’t get rid of me that easily, Lewis.”

Read on ao3.

#larry stylinson #harry styles #louis tomlinson #fanfic #fanfiction #one direction #enemies to lovers #college au

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