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forestsunglasses · 7 months ago

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Relationships: Lucanis Dellamorte/Rook, Viago de Riva/Rook, Lucanis Dellamorte/Viago de Riva, Lucanis Dellamorte/Viago de Riva/Rook

Warnings : Rook is dealing with C-PTSD, mental health issues. Implied/referenced self-harm, mentioned medical trauma, intimacy issues. Feel free to check all the additional tags on the ao3 version !

Summary:

Rook, previously named Dawn de Riva, has always kept her composure pristine. Taught to be strong at a young age by her mentor turned colleague, Viago de Riva, she is used to never show her weaknesses. Unfortunately for her, once the gods are deafeated and her contract is fullfilled, she realizes that she is dangerously bordering on the edge of falling apart. As she tiptoes around her blossoming romance with Lucanis Dellamorte, The Demon of Vyrantium, she founds herself bound by years of trauma that are catching up to her. She learns how to be herself again, eventually, and discovers what life truly has to offer beyond the dark and the grim.

Chapter 1 : Another contract

It’s during dinner that she feels the first pang of panic in her chest. They are all assembled in the dining hall of the Lighthouse, sharing a well-deserved moment of peace after weeks and weeks of hard battle and planning. Tomorrow, they will put away their belongings and depart. Neve has planned to help reconstruct Minrathous as soon as possible, and Bellara, as loyal as ever, having found a new love in the arms of the charming mage detective, accompanies her. Davrin is determined to help Assan and the other griffons adapt to Arlathan’s forest. To say goodbye, at least for some time. Emmerich, in hopes of talking with Strife, has agreed beforehand to go with the Warden. Taash said she would ‘hang out’ with Isabela and help in the Hall of Glory for a while. Lucanis needs to prepare his next position as First Talon. Harding…Well, Harding is gone. Dead. Rook knows that very well. There is no reason to believe otherwise, to try to convince herself that she is still alive, because she has seen her die. Rook knows that Solas isn’t there anymore. Sh knows that he can’t pull a Varric move on her again, to try to make her see a flesh and blood Harding when her dwarf friend isn’t even there. After all, he doesn't need to. The gods have been defeated.

The fight is over. They came out victorious, and Solas has gone through the Veil with the Inquisitor. Rook should have been calm. Sad and torn apart by grief, yes, but not on the brink of a panic attack.

The weight of leadership that has strained her shoulders for months is just starting to alleviate. Not that she didn’t like her role as a leader. But during all this time, she had to put a lot aside to make sure their mission succeeded. Her own emotions, her own worries. It had always been kind of like this with the Crows, but not with such high stakes. In any case, the job was done. Contract fulfilled, as she would often say to Viago.

It's no wonder then that she freezes when a plate of bean casserole stew is being placed in front of her. She grips her fork, her knuckles a shade of white death. Looks at her plate. The voices of her companions, engaging in sparse discussion, come to her ears from far, very far away. Glad to be victorious, but tinted with the obvious strain of grief and exhaustion. She barely notices it. Doesn’t listen.

Rook was never really good at regular stuff outside of contracts. Enjoying the moments of peace. She doesn’t know if she’ll ever be able to find herself. To have the strength to get back to herself. Contracts had kept her alive. But after that, she feels different.

It's as she took a way to strong, way to effective kind of drug. Avoiding herself had been made so, so much easier. Now that the fight is over, it's another piece of cake. The moment Solas disappeared through the Veil, an icy fear had started to pervade her. An intuition. The knowledge that, after such a big job, the contracts will not be able to keep her afloat anymore.

She knows then that she has to leave the dining hall. Go to the main building. Take the stairs. Go back to her room. The steps present themselves clearly in her mind, and it’s all she can hang onto to not break down right then and there. She focuses her mind on it. She knows that from the outside, her composure is perfectly smooth. Or as good as can be. She has been trained well.

She stands up and mutters that she has some small business she forgot to attend to, that she’ll be back soon. She doesn’t pay attention to their reaction. Most swallow up the lie like it’s honey. However, Neve looks nonplussed. And a light of alarm immediately goes off in Lucanis’ head. He feels Spite rouse inside him.

When Rook reaches the entrance, she is interrupted by the opening of the door. She almost rushes, nodding in distracted acknowledgment.

“Viago.” she salutes her superior before passing through.

The door shuts close.

“What’s the matter with her?” asks the Fifth Talon.

“I’ll go.” Lucanis says, already standing.

Viago nods. Rook has always been strong. He had taught her how to master one’s composure, how to never let one’s weaknesses show. But that, that’s new. The look on her face that he saw as he was entering the place. Not good. Not one bit.

Soon enough, the door opens again and Teia follows him into the dining hall.

“What’s with Rook ? ” she asks. “She looked…”

“I thought the same," Viago answers.

He doesn’t say the rest out loud, but Teia understands it : this doesn’t look good. As usual, Viago doesn't dwell on things. He clears up his throat.

“For the final arrangements,” he says to the rest of the team. “Neve, we have gathered Crow forces to help with Minrathous.”

~~~

Rook is shaking. She scolds herself for being this way. This isn’t supposed to happen. She’s supposed to deal with stuff in a normal way. Not crumble at the first opportunity, or whatever the hell this is.

She takes gulps of air but that doesn’t seem to help.

She knows, acknowledges her situation from a distance.

“Rook ?”

Shit.

Lucanis' voice is worried. She hears him approaching carefully, coming to a halt almost behind her. She sees him crouch from the corner of her eye. Her mouth opens, but only a few ragged breaths come out of it.

“Rook, look at me.”

She barely manages to do that. His hand comes to support her chin, lifting it gently towards him. Helping her look at him.

“Breathe. That’s it. In, and out,” he demonstrates.

Tears well up in her eyes. Gods, he can’t see her like this.

“Come back to me, Rook. I know you can do this.”

She follows his movements, the way he shows her how to breathe. When she gets there, she finally manages to speak.

“I’m sorry.”

Lucanis shushes her.

“No apologies, just breathe. I’ve got you.”

She lets herself go slack in his arms. He holds her. His warmth immediately envelopes her, and the cold ice stone under them is left nothing more than a detail. Time passes.

“I’ve never seen you like this, Rook. What is it?”

She doesn’t even know what to say. How to explain it. If there’s even something to explain, at all. Everything is all scrambled up in her brain. When she feels his fingers graze against her scalp, she closes her eyes. Her head is shaved, there’s not a strand of hair on it, but she still feels the pleasurable shivers when he passes his nails along her buzzcut.

“I don’t…I’m not like…”

His fingers pause, then resume their grazing.

“I have these moments, sometimes. I always make sure no one sees.”

Against her, Lucanis doesn’t move, providing a welcoming support for her.

“I never…It never happened like that. I always had things under control, or I dealt with it privately.”

“Until now,” concludes Lucanis. “Something is eating at your mind.”

She turns to dive into his deep, lovely brown eyes.

“What happened with the Antaams before I took this job is still not forgotten. I don’t know where to go from there. I still have to stay low for a while, and that’s okay, but…”

She doesn’t finish her sentence.

“We killed gods, Rook. You made it happen," Lucanis expression is focused on her, full of...what, pride ? "Why would the Crows continue to keep you at an arm’s length ? You’re not fired. If anything, you deserve a raise.”

She laughs at his words.

“You know it’s not like that.”

“It can be.”

He doesn’t say it, but she understands the meaning behind it. He’s First Talon. He won’t let her be cast aside.

“Do you remember what I told you? As long as my duties don’t call to me yet, I’ll be by your side. And even then, I’ll always be by your side.”

Rook smiles.

“I don’t deserve you.”

“Alright, lovers,” suddenly interrupts Viago’s voice.

They turn towards the Fifth Talon, now standing at the entrance of Rook’s room. Lucanis reprimands himself for not closing the door sooner.

We’re not…Rook wants to protest, but she stops herself. She has a very specific point of view concerning these things. Of course, she loves Lucanis. She would die for him. And she knows that Lucanis loves her too. Unfortunately, there’s a limit that she cannot allow herself to cross. The night they shared together, before the final fight with Elgar’nan, could have been a night of…well, something more. But Lucanis had noticed her reluctance, and they had just made out and enjoyed each other’s company, hoping to still be alive at the end of all of this. She still doesn’t know how he feels about it.

“We have a meeting tomorrow with some of the houses. I’ll expect you there,” Viago adds, interrupting her train of thoughts.

Her mind grows calmer again. She processes the information. He doesn’t need to specify the place. The Cantori Diamond.

“And, Rook?” he adds. “You should go see a healer.”

She nods distractedly.

“Thanks, Viago?”

She knows she won’t take his advice. She has bad history with healers in general.

~~~

When she first shaved her head, Rook was fourteen. She never liked her strawberry blond curls. Not that they were ugly, but it didn’t match with her. She always had them at about chin’s length, long enough to cover her cheeks and maybe a part of her neck, but never more than that.

It hadn’t been a long time since she was taken in by the Crows. She still went by the name of Dawn. The training had been hard that day, and that was the first time that she felt that something in her was amiss. Not quite exactly right. That night, when she looked into the small wobbly mirror beside her bed, she couldn’t stand to look at her hair anymore.

The first try had been terrible. She’d ended up with splotches of hair scattered all around her partially shaved skull. When Teia had saw the mess she’d made of her head, she’d let out an exclamation of shock. The young woman had helped the girl get rid of the irregularities and had managed to give her a nice, presentable buzzcut. Upon seeing Dawn like this, Viago had raised a brow but hadn’t done anything besides giving her a small nod of encouragement.

Now, quite advanced into her twenties, Rook has kept up with this haircut. Although some of her battle scars extend to her scalp in quite a visible way, she is happy with it. Content. She may always have been kind of lost, but this, she has always been sure of it.

~~~

It’s a bit hard to wake up the next morning, but at least she has something to do : to assist a meeting. A smooth wave of reassurance washes over her as she gets ready to go to Treviso. Lucanis is behind her when they pass through the Eluvian, and Rook can’t help but flash a smile at him when they arrive in their city.

“Good to be home?” Lucanis says with a glint of adoration in his eyes.

She nods, humming the air. Cobblestone, dewy ivy, wood. Floral scents from the bushes nearby. The smell of the night is still lingering.

“Good to be home,” she confirms.

They get to the Diamond without waiting any further. When they enter the meeting room, a space adjacent to the main hall, everyone seems to be already there. Heir, sat next to an expectant Jacobus, gives a polite nod to Rook. Part of De Riva’s house is there as well, some sat on chairs around the big stone table coming up from the ground, others standing on the sides, leaning on the wall. Teia and Viago are waiting right next to the entrance.

Rook cannot escape the look Viago gives her. It’s a blue, ice, cold color. Even though she knows there’s a question in there, she doesn’t try to decipher it further. She’s not in the same state as she was in the last evening. She’s okay and functional now. Let’s get to it.

“Everyone is there,” Viago says, looking at both Rook and Lucanis this time.

Rook knows that look. It’s an easy one: you’re late. Weirdly enough, for a strictly-trained assassin, she sometimes manages to not arrive in time for things. She holds her smirk in. Teia’s voice comes cutting through, diving straight into the subject.

“Although Treviso has been badly affected by the Antaams and Ghilan’nain archdemon, Minrathous needs some more help rebuilding. As you all know, we have gathered a team for this. House de Riva and part of my house will be sent there.”

“Will there be operations in Treviso?” Jacobus asks.

“Of course,” Viago answers. “But we must be a bit more careful there. What’s left of the Antaam army will not go down smoothly. They’ve got their own network. We’re working on a plan.”

“This meeting is for the distribution of contracts,” Teia adds, retrieving a pile of parchments from under a small desk. “All of the previously appointed Crows from House De Riva, here.” She places a smaller pile of paper on the table. The Crows serve themselves. “House Cantori : Egoram, here is the quarter of the town that you're attached to. Take the trainees with you.”

“Maggie, you’ll go to Dock Town. You’ll find Neve Gallus there. Tina and Gregor, at the frontier.”

"Yrina, you’ll make rounds around the Cobbled Swan in search for any Venatori strays. I’ve heard some of them have found a hiding amongst bards and artists.”

Jacobus scoffs, quickly masking his laugh as a raspy cough.

Teia continues to distribute the papers until there’s none left. Heir and Jacobus are assigned to Treviso, which makes the young boy almost complain. He really wanted to travel to Minrathous.

"Jacobus Egrativi," Heir gently scolds as they stand up.

“That leaves us with the both of you,” Viago says, turning to Rook and Lucanis.

Rook is glad that the panic doesn’t knock at her ribcage when she hears it. No need to worry. You will have a contract. You will get busy.

“Obviously, I guess that you have some updating to do with your family, now, Lucanis. You’re First Talon, after all.”

Rook looks at Lucanis. His silky, raven hair shines under the oil lamps. For a moment she almost forgets herself, lost in the admiration of his smooth locks. She looks away, trying to push down the newly arisen thoughts. He’s beautiful. Hot. Kind. That big pleading look he gives me sometimes? Fuck. She shakes her head.

“Rook ?” Teia says.

Her head almost snaps back up, but she controls the movement just in time. She has been lost in thought regarding Minrathous and Treviso, obviously. Not thinking about Lucanis, at all. She was simply planning their next course of action. Not basking in his scent of coffee, and berries, and…

“We think it better for you to stay here a while,” Teia informs her cautiously.

The rest of the Crows are gone. They’re the only four left. At Teia’s call, Rook arches a brow. She resists the urge to scratch her neck in confusion.

“What do you mean?”

“Here, in Treviso,” Viago specifies while closing the door. “Unless you still have matters to attend to with your team.”

“No, I don’t.”

She’s surprised the topic is even broached.

“Perfect,” he responds.

“What do you need me for, exactly? Am I allowed to retire?” she says with a smirk, knowing full well how Viago will react.

“No, Idiot. It’s a surveillance mission.”

“Okay. What is it?”

There’s a pause, almost imperceptible. But Viago continues:

“You must be prepared. Let me warn you…”

“Viago is worried,” Teia interjects, a smile on her lips. “He didn’t want you to take the job at first.”

Viago gives Teia a bad look.

“Worried? Damn, Viago, that’s not like you,” Rook says, hands on her hips.

“Take this seriously! That’s not me personally worrying over you. It’s way bigger than that. If you don’t do this correctly, the Crows could take a blow to their side.”

Rook isn’t convinced. She catches Lucanis from the corner of her eye: he’s just as confused as her.

“Not to sound arrogant, but we just killed gods,” she says. “I’m sure your new contract will be in reach of my abilities.”

Teia and Viago share a look. Oh-oh. Rook falters.

“Okay, get it out,” Lucanis intervenes. “What is it?”

It almost seems like Viago doesn’t want to open his mouth and say the words. When Teia finally speaks, giving him the chance to stay silent, Rook doesn’t register the words at first. Lucanis places a warm hand on her shoulder.

Levito’s Healing House. Levito’s Healing House. Levito’s…Healing…House. You must investigate around Levito’s Healing House. That’s the name. She hears it, reverberating in her skull, jumping around like a rubberball. Levito’s Healing House. They’re planning something. It’s our chance to root them out of the city for good, but we must have someone investigating around here first.

Rook doesn’t let herself stumble in front of them.

“Why?” she asks, gaze lost in front of her. “Do you need me to infiltrate the place as a spy?”

“No,” Viago reassures her. “Not to that extent. Just observing from afar. Gather information. As I’ve taught you.”

Even though she’s relieved at hearing she won’t have to go back inside this…thing, her throat locks.

“Why me?” she asks.

Her voice is neutral. Not a shake in it.

“Viago thought you’d be the best suited for it, in the end. You have...history, back there.”

Teia looks sorry as she says it. Rook glances furiously at her mentor.

“What? And you don’t even want to tell me yourself? Teia has to be the one saying it? She just said you didn’t want me to take the job!”

“Rook…” pleads Teia. “We’ve tried to find someone, but we know it will be fruitless if it isn’t someone who knows their way of operating.”

Rook takes a deep breath, pinching the bridge of her nose.

“So, observing.”

“Yes.” Viago nods. “Rook, I need you to confirm to me that you will not get into this personally. As I said, if you do something rash, I don’t know if the Crows will be as forgiving as they were with your little run-in with the Antaam.”

She nods.

“I need words.” Viago adds sternly.

Rook raises her head to plunge her eyes in his. Ice, blue, cold. Fresh snow. Cooling.

“Okay.”

“Did I miss something?” Lucanis asks.

“It’s Rook’s story to tell,” answers Viago.

“Do you know what Levito’s Healing House is?” Rook asks him.

“I…vaguely remember. It’s a place of healing.” Viago rolls his eyes. Lucanis feels Spite snicker inside of him. “For matters of the mind, as they say themselves,” he adds.

Rook nods.

“Well, I was in there for a part of my childhood. Don’t remember it a lot, but what I remember is…not good.”

“They don’t do healing, obviously.” Teia says, her mouth a crisp line.

Lucanis doesn’t need to ask further details. He knows, now, he remembers, the whispers about the place. This shady mental institution in Treviso. The kids who manage to escape from there, the things they manage to tell, if they're not rendered mute from traumatism.

“You told me about it, once, after Weisshaupt” he says, thoughtful. “That you grew up in this sort of place.”

Rook nods.

“Not for all my life, but yes.”

He wants to know what happened to her in there, but he knows it's not the right time for this.

“You have all my support, in whatever you do, Rook. Remember that.”

“Thank you,” she manages to smile.

Her hand comes to find his, and squeezes. He can see the way her jaw untightens at the contact. He squeezes back.

When they leave, Teia turns to Viago.

“She took this surprisingly well. I mean, she seemed a bit stunned, but that’s to be expected. What do you think of it?”

“Her reaction?” says Viago. “She’s obviously bluffing. But I’ll take her word on this. I trust her.”

“So you think she will take it upon herself? If she’s bluffing, that means she’s affected.”

“She will. She’s strong like that, Teia.”

A pause.

“I know.”

They look at each other, Teia almost reaching to caress Viago’s wrist. He doesn’t seem disturbed, but she notices how he’s still a little bit paler than usual.

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