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fortes-fortuna-iogurtum · 1 month

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I have a prayer request, Christian friends--

#more like 2 prayer requests #I'm puzzling through some things and they're becoming more immediate. I will not share all the details of what I'm thinking through right n #*now. and to be honest I'm not sure I can put all of this into words even if I wanted to. but prayer that God will guide me into truth #regardless of whether I manage to put it into words or not would be appreciated. (if God wills I *would* like to be able to find #the words so I can think well about all of this #--not just make the right practical decisions. I would love to be able to articulate it and share with others sometime.#but the main focus is really on living well as much if not more than thinking about it.)#also a new possibility has recently presented itself regarding some of the health stuff I've been struggling with lately.#and I don't know very much yet but I'm starting to wonder if there's a possible explanation that would explain a LOT of things #if that explanation does indeed turn out to be the correct one for this situation.#so my second prayer request is that I'll get some answers to whatever's up with my body and that they'll be good and helpful answers #(now that I'll looking at all of this typed out I think these two requests might overlap a bit... did not expect that but it's interesting)#delete later #prayer request

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fortes-fortuna-iogurtum · 1 month

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#what's THIS #the chick who's always showing up 10 minutes late for Bio lecture getting to the lecture room 20 minutes EARLY???!#more likely than you might think #lol let's see how long this I'm Going To Get On An Actual Schedule Like An AdultTM thing lasts. 6:30 a.m. is a rough time to roll out of be #when you're already dealing with lame stomach pain every morning 🤪#delete later

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fortes-fortuna-iogurtum · 1 month

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ok but this is just how my brain feels ALL THE TIME fr

#gurt says stuff #lord peter wimsey #whose body?#especially since being in a two-semester philosophy class. that’ll turn your brain into a beehive no fail

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fortes-fortuna-iogurtum · 1 month

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#Want to be so so mad about something today lol :’)#I need someone to rant at I guess #but I’ve been trying so hard to give up ranting #ugh. emotionally constipated on this extremely dreary grey and heavy Friday afternoon.#guess I’ll just go back to reading my Dorothy Sayers novel and listening to the birds outside #who persist in singing despite the drizzle #delete later

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fortes-fortuna-iogurtum · 1 month

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Some of my favourite Carmody looks because i love his silly little outfits :)

#there were so many good new looks in this season #especially from this guy #and his funky city boy hobbit-newt scamander combo fashion sense #also Siegfried’s orange cardigan deserves a shout out bc wow if that man could look anymore like a grandma #all creatures great and small #acgas2020

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fortes-fortuna-iogurtum · 2 months

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I wrote in my journal last night that I really wish I could have a long deep hug from someone who knows me well. I have friends here on campus who will hug me, and gladly, but I’m too sheepish (and outright afraid, lately) to ask to be held onto. I need to learn how to be bold enough to ask for people to care for me, I guess.

#my emotions have been extremely confused for a while and that’s not helping anything #my mind is tangled up in questions and I’m too busy with them to allow myself to feel anything #anything I feel might be sinful anyway right?? might as well just not feel things. definitely the safest option.#gurt says stuff

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fortes-fortuna-iogurtum · 2 months

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Ah yes, “Car Trouble” by Owl City, or as I like to call it, a modern day Odysseus’s theme song

#wait this is hilarious #owl city #the odyssey

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fortes-fortuna-iogurtum · 2 months

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there are too many thoughts inside of me at all times.

#ok wait actually I have several more things to say:#I observed an extremely wholesome interaction between two boys that I know the other night #(one was sick and StrugglingTM a bit from what I gathered and the other one showed up briefly and I guess noticed his friend's #StruggleTM and just like. walked over and hugged him for a minute. without any real context or preface? it was cute to see.)#I'm overthinking really badly like all the time right now. and I'm disappointed about not being able to go home for Spring Break #even though I feel badly for being disappointed because my roommate is also unable to go home and seems to be handling it #just fine.#my thoughts are scattered and my body is acting weirdly (ongoing health concerns which aren't major enough to warrant seeing a doctor for #immediately but for which I WAS going to see a specialist about over break and now will not be able to do so)#and I have far too many questions and don't trust many people enough to ask them. not sleeping fantastically.#but I really need to rest and get back to normal(ish) before school starts back because I know it's just going to get more intense from her #also I'm sad about the seniors leaving because I've made friends of a handful of them and I really don't want them to not be here.#also I'm being terrible at keeping up with my family and my emotions are acting weirdly about that.#idk what I'm trying to say with all this except that I'm a bit worn out and confused and if anyone wants to say a prayer that I'll #either figure out how to manage all of this or else the problems will miraculously go away and I'll be perfectly back to normal by the end #of break... that would be nice :)

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fortes-fortuna-iogurtum · 2 months

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there are too many thoughts inside of me at all times.

#hello friends hope you all are doing well. my words have been abandoning me lately.#I talk a lot and feel like I say nothing. it is truly frustrating.#meanwhile I am doing a bible word study and realizing that all the things I have realized in the past might be valid #(namely the way that a lot of people in my church tradition try to reduce biblical concepts of 'peace' to a sort of inward emotional state #and that's not actually a great way to interpret the biblical concept of shalom. like at all. and massively cheats a lot of communities out #of the actual practical real-life extension of the kingdom and how it's supposed to function)#also I had a minor crisis a few days ago when I looked at a boy who I know only vaguely and thought 'oh. shoot. he's cute.'#I am not used to having these sorts of thoughts or at least not to acknowledging them to myself #not sure why I'm telling tumblr this but I have no one else to tell it to and I feel like I should get it out of my system lol :')#ok logging off again gotta eat some noodles and finish this assignment with is already late #I will see you guys at a later date #(probably not too much later tho bc it is spring break and I am unfortunately stuck at college and there are very few other people here :')#gurt says stuff

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fortes-fortuna-iogurtum · 3 months

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#friends I don't have a lot of energy in me to ask right now #but please if you think of it say a prayer for me #I'm having some real struggles with my faith right now. and I can't bring myself to admit it to anyone here at school.#I think I've been an idiot. and I can barely even ask God for help. for reasons I don't even totally understand.#I'm just tired and frustrated and I don't know how to pray.#delete later #love y'all. talk to you sometime soon maybe.

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fortes-fortuna-iogurtum · 4 months

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you know when you clench your fist so tight that your whole hand hurts and you hold it that way for a while and then it feels like you might not be able to open it again when you want to? that's how my brain feels lately. :(

#I'm going to try to go through some clothes today and get rid of ones I don't wear anymore #I need to think about getting back to school and how I'm going to pay for the semester-after-next #but there's too much on my mind for me to be able to think about any one thing #ughhghgdhhgdhhhghghg #I think. possibly. that the thing I thought I was supposed to be doing isn't actually the thing I should've been doing.#but I cannot know that for sure.#oh well.#it would help if I didn't feel so gosh-darn tired all the time.#gurt says stuff

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fortes-fortuna-iogurtum · 4 months

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I must be honest this Christmas evening: I really miss my tumblr days. The knitting circle* was a real blessing to me while I was here consistently. I don't have many friends nearby where I live at the moment, and this place filled that hole quite well for a long while.

I love you, friends, and I hope you're all doing well. I'm going to pray for you all tonight. May the Lord richly bless you and keep you.

<3 merry Christmas

#gurt says stuff #(btw I know not everyone I was friends with here was part of the 'knitting circle' and I got some indication that there was some drama [?]#at some point over who was and wasn't included and maybe also the name of the ''group''. but that's how I thought of my main friend group #here for most of my time here)

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fortes-fortuna-iogurtum · 4 months

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get loved, nerd

thanks friend <3

#asks #btw whoever it was who sent me like 30 of these a couple of months ago: thanks for that :) that made me smile a lot when I saw it #I won't post them lol but they're going to stay in my inbox so I'll smile whenever I see them there

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fortes-fortuna-iogurtum · 4 months

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(btw if this semester for me was to be titled like a YA novel, it would be something like "The Year I Accidentally Became a Stoic and Also Channeled St. Augustine")

#emotions are great. wish I could feel them again. without worrying that every single time I do it's probably sin =D #I literally cannot RELAX UGHHHH #and there are things happening at home that I don't understand and that aren't helping make it easier to talk to my parents #and reach out for help.#I pray basically all the time. I just try to trust that God's in control. actually I kind of have to trust that #and that to wish things were different might be wrong. because if God has ordained this and it is his will then it would be sin for me #to desire anything else.#(that may not quite be true but I'm not sure of very much at all anymore. I'm just very tired and believing that it has to be this way keep #me going.)

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fortes-fortuna-iogurtum · 4 months

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hey friends

I'm surviving <3

I made it through my first semester of university (🎉) and I think I've made a few friends. but I'm still not quite where I want to be. there are so many things inside my mind and heart that I can't put into words and I just wish I could say aloud and be free of.

thank you so much to those who have been praying for me all along, and those who have sent me DMs since I've been away; it's meant so much to check in here every now and then and see that I haven't been forgotten.

I'll see y'all around <3

#gurt says stuff #college survival #updates #personal

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fortes-fortuna-iogurtum · 5 months

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#having some rough days lately friends #break is coming up soon but I'm not sure how to feel in the meantime #I'm really struggling with understanding and handling well my feelings tbh #my main issue right now is that I have LONGED for community for SO long #and I hoped so badly that I would find it here #but now that I'm here and with community at my fingertips it feels like I cannot join in for some reason???#I'm struggling not to isolate and I'm feeling like I don't belong and I know better than to care about what people think #but I want to know what they think?? I want to know that people like me??#I want to know that people like me for ME not just in some vaguely spiritual way where they have to keep me from sin???#but I'm so tired lately and struggling to focus and I don't have people to talk to about it frankly here #and I can't shake the feeling that wanting people to lean on is sinful (because I should lean on God alone right? expecting other people #to fill the spot that I should have reserved for him is sin?)#I don't know anymore. I'm sorry for dumping this on you people here but I need somewhere to put it that isn't just my journal.#pray for me please. I feel like I can barely pray anymore myself. which is a terrible place to be when at a Christian university.#delete later

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fortes-fortuna-iogurtum · 6 months

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i've been thinking and i think a lot of celebrity discourse wouldn't be a thing if more people understood how PR works and that these famous people have been carefully curated as products for consumption 99% of the time. the reason a lot of actors seem so much like their characters is because, a lot of the time, they're deliberately playing that aspect of themselves up to promote the project they're in. why do you think so many straight actors starring in gay films have vaguely gay anecdotes prepared for interviews? why do you think leads promoting rom-coms often play up their chemistry in interviews? none of it is accidental. pedro pascal isn't walking around calling himself daddy because he happens to genuinely call himself that. it makes him more marketable. i think a lot of us know that celebrities' public personas are curated, but it doesn't stick because we want to be entertained and to like these people. the more I interact with PR people as part of my job and am made aware of the "rules" surrounding celebrity interactions and interviews - the more I've realised just how much of a performance all of it is. now i am not saying it's a Bad thing, i think this curation is mostly in place to protect privacy and keep promotion focused on the show/film. but i don't think it would hurt for more people and fans to remember that almost everything you know and see about celebrities is incredibly curated and tunnel-visioned to make them living breathing promo material for whatever they're in, which is to say that these are the last people who should be looked to as role models for moral and ethical guidance because they aren't *for* that.

#MM this is a Good Post #current events #(not really but that's the closest tag I have rn lol)#celebrities

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