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am i anorexic because i hate my body or do i hate my body because i am anorexic

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Me when the cut is deeper than last time

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please god let me win this time

haha no summer body cause all my fucking friends keep ditching me. to do homework... yes it makes sense but holy shit guys can we go to the beach?? no?? what the fuck?? can we even hang out? no?????

anyway. beach in like two weeks at Tahoe. wahoo. still a fatty. planning to do a lot of fasting. but im worried that to do that... I have to leave the house everyday to get thru my cravings. which sux. I hate going outside. when I do, I'm either a bizarre freak or im rly overstimulated and feel sick. crodiiieee I feel sick to your stomach fam, grodie no way fam whooot soooory.

I am gonna win I am gonna win

I can't tell if my body dysmorphia is getting wonky cuz it keeps rapidly switching between "I look skinnier than I actually am" and "I look like a pig fatty with insane stretch marks and a disgusting lower body in general." today, outside, I felt and felt like I looked great. idk. then I come home and still feel good. even tho yesterday I felt like the fattest piece of shit in the world. correlation: I IF'd today, and binged yesterday, then, if I keep fasting/intermittent fasting, looking in the mirror will stop being torture.

plus, yesterday I kept switching between looking skinnier and fatter. im exploding. im actually exploding. low-key like I actually am my fat is bursting at the seams of my skin. sewn onto a pig. lipstick on my snout. useless lines on my beady eyes. none of it will make you attractive. none of it will make you look any less repulsive. I'm not worthy of going outside. I'm not worthy of being looked at. their lips curl when they look at me. he calls me a cow, again. I don't know how many times it's been. He calls me a pig, again. I don't know how many times it's been. He becomes an illusion that watches me. He tells me too much. I don't want to know what he thinks of me.

whatevs literally he's just one guy and the rest of my friends say nice things to me ⭐️ he's literally just a man 🤎

also exposed fat (beans cut) is so therapeutic cause I can see my fat. the consequences of my actions. I can talk to it face to face. there is nothing that can divide me from being in control now. but it will go away soon enough and another will have to whisper rules in my ear.

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too nauseous to eat 🤝 nauseous from not eating

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Just wanted to lyk that im proud of whatever progress youve made, no matter how small !! >∆<

thank you 🤎

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Am I gonna die a virgin?

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Heck yes Ty goat

Currently reading… Pachinko 🩵 4 skool

Last song… Early Sunsets Over Monroeville 🌹

Last film… Maze Runner 3

Last series… Doctor Who 🩵🤎 rewatching S2 rn

Sweet/savory/salty? Sweet… 🥐🥖🍰

Tea or coffee? This is so hard… I like only drink homemade matcha oat lattes rn but that’s srsly the only tea I drink and coffee is so tasty… mmm…but Thai tea… and green Thai tea… and oolong… I think tea wins guys 🙇🙇🍵🍵

Working on… art and animations 4 artfight and my ap art class, as well as ap lit hw, ap French prep AND getting a job but legit no locations in my area r hiring ME and me only—I apply to 10+ weekly and i get nothing!! The universe wants me to be unemployed!

Tags:

@axton-0ffline @cannerabal @w0nd3rlessix @noahforprez @g1rl-interrupts @mitskienthusiastnstuff @oucchhoucchh @oneshouldalwaystrytoeattherude @decayingdogt33th

— TAG NINE PEOPLE YOU WANT TO GET TO KNOW MORE !

thank you for the tags LOVE you guys and hit me up on my disc for a kiss: @gojodickbig @fayerie @sugurusladyknightt @fear-is-truth

currently reading: haha who reads lol... last song: cowboy gangster politican - goldie boutilier last film: superman last series: overcompensating sweet/savory/salty: spicy i make my own rules tea or coffee: anything with caffeine to keep me going working on: getting over this gosh darn cold that wants to keep me shackled in my bedroom

✦ nine no pressure tags my loves: @prosypepper @joemama-2 @letteremi @hellowoolf @redrrem @getouyuri @eraserbread @nialovessatoru @kunareads

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Please just annoy me

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No I dont have an ed, yes i bodycheck all the time, yes i restrict, yes i fast, yes i hate the feeling of food in my stomach, yes i feel the fat, yes i check the bmi of my gws even tho i already know it, yes i check the calories of stuff that arent even food, yes i think that if i smell or touch food the cals will seep into my body, yes I used laxatives, yes i made myself throw up, yes i sometimes do 20k-30k steps a day on purpose, yes I am afraid yet impatient of weighing myself next day, yes my body disgust me and i blame hating myself on being fat, yes I think all my problems will be solved when ill lose the weight, yes I isolate to focus on wl, yes I cried bc I had to eat, yet I also ate the whole fucking house in one sitting, yes I fake dirty plate or throw food to make it seem like I ate, yes I am mad when my parents tell me i need to eat cus i didnt eat today, yes I despise the "what did u eat today" question, yes I say no to any snacks my friends offer me, yes I omad, yes I have had these behavior for a couple of years, yes my parents tell me "You're gonna get obese if you don't pay attention to your weight" or makes comments on my body, yes im on edtwt, yes im on edblr BUT I DONT HAVE AN ED because I must fake it cus idk it just doesnt feel like I have one

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thank u for being a cooler blog than me and not unfollowing me yet

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I <3 my homies

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I feel like a ciee program would fix me

What are you planning to do in Spain?

i’m part of a two week language immersion program! my mornings will be spent in spanish class and my afternoons exploring the city/sightseeing.

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literally my blog

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I'm such a shitty person, every time I see other people's scars I just think about relapsing so I can have more scars than them.

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I am not purging. I will not be purging. I am going to not purge for the foreseeable future. I think this will help me stop binging too. Maybe :C

My binging has gotten really bad. I haven’t purged for maybe 10+ days? That’s good, but my overeating is resisting. I am still eating beyond fullness, and uncomfortably so. Like it will run away from me. Like I have to have it all to myself. I’m so selfish. I want help. But I want to beat it and then get thin, all the time fighting my habits and cravings and disordered thoughts and behaviors. I’m not even really exercising. I dance daily and with a lot of energy but it’s not extended and I don’t really do a lot else. I’m not just depressed, I’m actually just lazy and hate myself too much to go outside without other people.

I have nothing to hold me accountable. Nothing to look at when I know I shouldn’t eat. Nothing to do when I know I should eat but I’m resisting. No one to talk to. No one to tell. I hate this.

I’m going to be honest and say that I’m still fluctuating the same few pounds, except now it’s worse!! Instead of fluctuating 128-134, it’s 133-136. I’m never gonna look how I want. This is never going to make me happy. But I know that looking better does make me happy. Even in the long run. I know, cause I have proof: the 23-27 pounds I have lost have changed my life in a million positive ways. But I’m stuck. I will never change. I will always be fat, greedy, and selfish. I’m not calling myself a pig in the stupid meanspo way, I really look and act like a pig when I eat. And when I don’t eat. It’s all I think about. It’s my only comfort. When I eat to fullness or over, I’m literally shoving it in my mouth, savoring every flavor and also somehow at the same time swallowing as hastily as possible. I have never been able to be any other way. But I don’t even think I’m trying. I give in, every time.

Booo cringe cringe sad im just self isolating and wallowing in it next time I hang out w someone ill be cured looolol 😹😹😹😹😹😹

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I did kinda good but super bad

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The hierarchy of needs: