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foxicillin-blog · 8 years

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That Great Struggle

So this is going to be the past 4 months of my life so far.

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[You’re a Cool Dude]

It all starts with many frequent trips to Philly. Club scene, dancing, lots of beer, bright lights and great friends. I decided to go out with a great friend of mine to a club. After a bit of pre-gaming we finally decided to go into the club. Mind you this has been my first club since i turned 21 at the time. We had hours of fun, just dancing and having random conversations with stranger and starting dance party on the dead dance floor. Then i saw him. This man have the most beautiful face i had ever seen. Long dirty blonde hair with amazing tattoos of compass’s on his elbows. Built and slightly hairy walking around doing his job with his shirt off. I was very afraid and nervous to approach him. So i did what i felt would be most affective in my cowardice time, and that was just look at him. Not like a creepy constant stare but just small eye contact here and there. Through out the night he would get closer and closer to where me and my friends were dancing. Then it happened, when i wasn't even paying attention he grabbed me and slipped something into my hand and bolted off. Me, being so confused at the situation and what just had happened, along with the confusion of my friends, we just left very haste like. After we were out side the club, i had the time to take the object i had slipped into my pocket out and examined it.

“HI there, I’m XXXX. You’re mad cute, wish i could talk more”. (not including name)

That was written on a piece of cardboard that looked like it was ripped off of a box from the back of the club. It also had this phone number on it. (i still have this awesome little letter) So after a short drive back to the Jersey Shore i texted him. We had some of the best conversations, about life, spirituality, traveling and anything that would just make the conversation keep moving. I felt we wanted to know so much about each other. so after about two weeks of texting, snap-chating, and face-timing till our phones died, he asked if i wanted to hang out. I at first thinking i haven’t even really met this dude felt really nervous about it. So i brought a good friend with me. We went to the club he worked at and stayed there and danced till he got off work. He invited us back to his place so we headed over. Had a great time chatting it up. He made me and my friend some great cookies and showed nothing but pure kindness, I really enjoyed it a lot. Then i had to smoke a cigarette, so i went out onto the back patio. I caught myself staring up at the stars, completely zoning out to the world around me, to the point where i didn't even know he came outside to join me. I was taken out of my zone to realize this by him lighting kicking my ankle. just saying “hey” over and over again. I was SO NERVOUS, i didn't even know what to say. that was the actual first time we spend alone. i had no idea what i should say to him. I just ended up saying Hi back, and that he so caught be being a nervous wreck! He just kinda laugh and then our eyes met. We couldn't stop staring at each other. It was like we could see the unspeakable parts of each others soul just through each others eyes. We continued our night back inside and me and my friend left slightly after so she could catch work in the morning. This then proceeded into me and him starting to hang out alone for the next month or two. Just hanging out talking about life, we are both amazing artists so that was something we could really bond on. He was the most talented painter, among all the different talents he had painting and drawing was what i believed to be his greatest. We spend along of our time just cuddling and staring into each others eyes legit all the time. The things i would feel would drive my mind insane, i just couldn’t describe it but it drove me crazy and made me feel amazing. He started teaching me Spanish and started getting me involved in different cultured food that i would never even think to eat, and they were DELICIOUS!!! These feelings in both of us approached us extremely by surprise. How can one feel so strongly for someone they had just met? One can never how how our feelings work but they were there, and Scary. Then the realism of the situation hit. I was about to start back up into college full-time, coaching at old High School also full-time, AND working an overnight job part-time. Him, only just moving back into Philly needing to focus mainly on bettering himself and working towards his goals with no distractions. Feeling he had so much to do in so little time how could he also give me the time and attention he felt i deserved. It also didn't help i lived almost an hour and a half away. So we had a talk. Laid out how be both felt, and it was the same. Scared, realizing the truth in the situation. It was the right people, but wrong time and wrong place. So things became very distant for each other. We needed and wanted space but at the same time still wanted to talk to each other. How could you just go from having such a strong feeling and connection with someone and it just ending but we both knew it was completely the best thing to do. But it hurt, a lot. Him being older, was able to handle it. Doing everything he had to do to get through it. Me being newly exposed to a feeling like this had no idea how to handle it. All i wanted to do was talk to him. Im know he wanted to talk to me but i felt he knew it would just make it worse. We had to have a conversation, i felt i needed to know what was happening, what was going on between us. I could help but fear i was losing him, even as a friend. he told me how much he cared for me, but again he just needed to do what was best. We completely just stopped talking. It sucked for a week or two, then progressively just became realistic in my head. My conscience just keep telling me that if it was meant to be i will happen. It wasn’t the time or place for me. I also had to much to focus on with my life. I had school, the kids i teach, and a job. i could balance it all and a love life. So i accepted it. I also learned many thing from him though.

~That anything could happen, but you need to decide if its meant to happen.

~How to control and understand my own and another’s emotions. its not only about what one person feels.

~How to truly accept my own self worth, and the worth of all others. Kindness is key. Treat as you wish to be treated.

Were on good terms now. Good friends i feel. We both care for each other. Recently he ended up moving across to the West States for a job but its such a great match for him. Im really happy he’s happy pursuing his dreams and successfully achieving them! Mine and his path will cross again and itll be better than ever :)

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[School and Coaching]

School is awesome, i love going to school and that vibe it gives me. Every class and stroke of the pencil is just another step towards my goal....which has recently changed. Right now I've been taking some Music theory classes that i have already taken in high school -_- but need to take again, working towards a Music Education degree. Ive decided to change this. Right now with the way most music programs are being funded. The programs are almost non-existent. Last thing i want is worry about if my job is going lay me off or just be removed. So I've decided to go into the Nursing Program, This is all going to start for me next fall semester. Its going to be such as hard difficult process but the outcome would be amazing. i could get a job almost anywhere i would wanna go. Amazing pay and benefits and all there is to do is be fully dedicated to just school and accomplishing this goal. Its going to suck for a long time with all the school work and wanting to balance my social life on top of it all. I enjoy helping people so much, being that ray of light through the cloud of life that blind you from happiness is what i really aim to be for most people. but make a job out of it and then i’m set. I feel this is going to be a good life choice for me.

On top of all this i’m coaching the outdoor and indoor color guard program a my old high school. It is great, being so involved in color guard for as long as i have (9 years) has just made a passion that has grown on me. I have taken a majority of dance classes just to improve everything that makes the art of color guard so great. The kids i teach are amazing also, so bright and full of energy all the time. Their always looking to have a great time but its a bit distracting from the real goal at times. Which make my job harder -_- but i’m always willing to put in all the effort to teach them what they need to know. Its a tough job but i cant help but enjoy every second with the kids and passing down my knowledge to them.

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Currently this day. I would say i’m pretty happy :) Stressed out a lot, but thats life when your working towards having a great one. Ive learned a great deal about myself that has benefit me a lot so far. I have much to do and still a lot to learn. I push through every day with meaning. purpose, courage. I can only control my life. so thats what i’m going to do.

#life #my life #blog #blogger #life blogging

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