genuinedoubt

[genuinedoubt]

i just feel like i constantly give and get nothing in return which is like fine but why does it make me sad

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do u guys ever think...? idk sounds hard,..... will look into it for later... if anyone has any thinking recs lmk...

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trying to make friends that have the same interests as me again is so annoying.... everything was PERFECT before why do things have to changeeee

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getting bullied by a man twice my age with a mean lazy eye is a humbling experience i will tel u that much

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one of my friends was telling me a story about someone who had treated her poorly and caused her to be upset and react (appropriately imo) to the situation and like raise her voice. and then she was like "i don't like being this way. i like being kind and happy, and even though it was lethargic to yell, it's not who i want to be"... which is something i've been thinking ab sm lately... like. yeah? you shouldn't be around people who make you act like someone you are not. what a revolutionary way of thinking

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healing is hard because on one hand loving yourself and making good on promises you keep.... on the other hand instant gratification and permanent impulse changes hmmm

[genuinedoubt]

idc im immature and jealous because if i find out someone i thought was a close friend made plans without me im crashing out

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to have someone trust you with their body on a table and for you to make fun of them is a truly despicable thing

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idk y'all i know there is so much i need to be doing but sometimes i just feel a paralysis

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so down bad i had to open up to my chill fun emotionally undemanding friends .... send help

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why would you cry because of your emotions when you can stuff them deep down and have an even BIGGER cry LATER because you're overwhelmed

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not to be dramatic but i think i need to undergo severance

[genuinedoubt]

have we actually made any progress

Over the past 10 years, medical trainees in the United States like myself have gone from high school, to undergraduate, to medical school, and these experiences have been rife with “once in a lifetime” experiences. The first black president, a pandemic, an insurrection, and so many more historical events packed into our coming of age as humans and physicians.  “Change”, “progress”, “impact” are all words that we packed into our medical school applications and yet, 10 years later, it seems like we’ve regressed. 

And perhaps it is where I exist. I go to school in the Deep South, a place most liberal folks wouldn’t touch with a 10 foot pole. Here, the regression of the United States towards concerning ideals hits even deeper, and permeates my everyday life. As medical students, we have a responsibility to “change the field”, but it doesn’t seem like the world is ready for change as the pendulum swings so deeply back towards the past in the ultra-conservative world I seem to find myself in. 

And medicine seems the same way too. Just recently I was on a call with a committee of physicians in my local area, voting on what resolutions they would support at a conference for the state medical association. An old physician detailed the painstakingly transphobic and homophobic reasons for opposing bills they would present at the conference, and not a word was uttered by the other doctors on the call, even if they seemed to disagree. No questions were asked. No one was asked to speak. Everyone remained silent.

On the same call, the topic of a concerning outbreak was brought up. A local physician was practicing questionable medicine related to the outbreak, and the leader of our meeting admitted the organization decided to not take any action for or against this doctor. No reaching out. No speaking up. Just staying silent.

“Play the game until you can change the system”, is the advice I’ve been given from anyone who hears my gripes about this homogenous silence culture that permeates the field medicine. However, this advice is a seemingly never-ending Pandora’s box at every level of the hierarchy of medicine. 

“Stay quiet and get good letters of recommendation from this faculty member you’re doing research with, you won't have to deal with this when you’re in medical school.” 

“Med students stay quiet and listen in this meeting while the actual doctors talk, you can participate once you’re a real doctor.”

“Residents appease the attending, no matter how problematic they might be. It’s common knowledge: complainers never get chief.”

Once you find yourself on the other end, a full-fledged “real doctor”, you’ve been silenced so much you forget what you wanted to say in the first place, and you’re too tired to care. 

And I’m a reflection of the larger problem. Doctors in training share stories that are full of concealed identities, modified details, and HIPAA compliant stories about their journey in medicine. It’s all kept a wonderful mystery in order to not jeopardize connections, school reputation, future training possibilities, to not burn any bridges. “Medicine is a small world”, they say.

How do we even change all this? Recently, I’ve been seeing doctors on TikTok use their “Attending privilege” to start talking about some of these issues. People like @paultranmd and @glaucomflecken poke fun at medicine and medical training in light ways so people feel seen and heard about larger issues in medical education. It makes sense that they are so popular, the admittedly cringey nature of our generation to need to make jokes about traumatic and serious topics has allowed the opportunity for these silly TikToks to open the door to more important conversations. But there isn't enough happening.

The silence expected from medical trainees has certainly led to a bit of a disconnect between older doctors and younger trainees. Recently, a lecturer at my school balked at how few people attended in-person lectures; there were perhaps 10 people in the room in a class of 200. This pattern is present in medical schools across the country. Many older doctors are now calling for curriculum to be changed, to implement mandatory attendance, remove pass/fail systems, write exams structured to their lectures instead of board-exam style.

From the perspective of the doctors, medical students need to learn in-person and make connections with the clinical world they will be facing. From a medical student perspective, the few moments they can save to spend with family and loved ones while preparing for a career in a broken healthcare system is worth far more than a disorganized lecture given by a physician who didn’t even make or practice the 100 slide deck being presented for 3 hours. 

This is not to say medical students aren’t missing out. Maybe the lectures are a little disorganized and the topics may not be all board relevant, but maybe there wouldn’t be so much of a disconnect between the older and younger generations of medicine if the younger generations cared a bit more. Maybe we need to start showing up and speaking up, in ways that are respectful of course, and find ways to form mutual understanding. Perhaps we are all a conversation away from kumbaya over a fireplace, for recognizing each other’s unique perspectives, and finding ways we can all help patients, even in the broken world we find ourselves in. Maybe we are all a little terrified, a little uncertain, and a little hurt in our egos that are a little too big for whatever stage we are in. 

Or maybe the world really is ending. I’ll let you know after I finish my third year of medical school.