gettingoverthemoon - Tumblr blog

[gettingoverthemoon]

Something I’ve never told a single soul… when I was in a toxic relationship of the past, I used to cut myself. I felt nothing. I didn’t feel the pain, but knowing there was blood reassured me I wasn’t just a zombie, even though that’s how I felt. Today, I found the scars on my rib cage.

[gettingoverthemoon]

I’ve been waiting forever for this. Since I was young I’ve wanted to get married and have a family. My own family has been through so much that I want to create a family of my own. Since I was young I’ve wanted to have kids. Heck when I was in kindergarten I wanted to be a child psychologist because I loved kids so much. I was that little girl who brought her doll everywhere. Had babies in the stroller walking around the neighborhood. You should know from day one how important children are to me with my volunteering at the orphanage. It’s not like I want to have kids immediately, but I also wouldn’t be upset if I did. I want to be a mom, I want to start making my own family memories. I’m ready for that. I’m not asking you to be ready for that. But you do need to be ready that before we get married I’m expecting to have children. I’ve made that very clear from the start of our relationship. I would like to have kids when I’m 30, if not sooner. I understand that you don’t, and it’s not an end all be all. But I definitely don’t want to wait. Kids are definitely in my 5 year plan. Which is why I don’t want to wait to get married, among other things. Marriage is something that’s important to me. I want that commitment from a partner, I want a forever teammate. I want all of my friends and family to share in a big celebration of our love for a day. Call it a childhood fantasy, since I’ve been dreaming of getting married my entire life, but it’s extremely special to me. It’s not something I want to put on hold if I can help it.

[gettingoverthemoon]

All I have to do is sleep

And your memories come invade my peace

It’s a flood of anger, uneasy, self doubt.

It’s a summary of what I felt.

An entire two years of my life

Where I battled with who I wasn’t

You’re gone.

And I’ve moved on.

So why do you still haunt me?

[gettingoverthemoon]

let it.

What's the secret to love?

Heartbreak.

What's the secret to surviving heartbreak?

Letting it ache.

You can only love

if you know how bad it hurts.

The pain you feel

when someone rips your heart

right from your chest,

Let it hurt,

Let it ache,

Let it cry itself to sleep,

Let it heal,

Let it mend,

Let it learn

To love again.

The secret to healing

is feeling.

Feeling all the pain.

making space for all the hurt,

allowing the pain to make itself known

when it needs to be felt.

Even when 

it's loving again.

[gettingoverthemoon]

An anxious diary entry.

I can’t put my finger on the feeling I’m feeling. Kyle and his brother came up north for NYE. New Year’s Day has been pretty much nothing but a feeling of unease. It started in the morning when I couldn’t find Mochi anywhere. It was still dark out and she was nowhere to be found inside the cabin. We looked around outside and found little kitty paw prints. I didnt want to believe they were hers but eventually I had too. Thankfully kyle was supportive and helped me look for her. He delayed his hunt and we eventually found her outside under the metal bear shed. Getting her out almost gave me a heart attack. I thought we were going to have to break her legs or something to get her out. Luckily, we eventually were able to work together to pull her out. I’m thankful that kyle was able to help me and that she didn’t get hurt. That was a crazy start to the day, but to end things off, kyle shot two deer. I thought I would be okay with it, but something about it kind of disgusts me. Literally because it’s bloody animal parts, but I just feel a little bit upset with him because he shot two young deer! He was so desperate to shoot a deer. It makes me mad. Like, one is fine, but to get a second one seems disrespectful. He claims he didn’t know if he shot the first one and wanted to get one so bad. But I really hate that he did that. It’s even worse because they are both yearlings. My dad specifically told him not to shoot a little one or a button buck, and he literally did both. It makes me feel like he’s just trigger happy and doesn’t care or didn’t take the time to do it right. He’s pretty upset about it too. So I feel bad about telling him how I feel because I don’t want to make things worse, but idk. He keeps saying how he’ll never be allowed back. That’s not true, but in a way, I kind of feel like he should be punished. That’s just not cool. I understand getting caught up in the moment, but ugh, it sucks it was on my families property. I feel offended almost. Like he insulted our land. Idk. I’m also upset because I feel like he just does whatever he wants. It’s like, I invited him up to my property but he treats it like his own special play ground. I know he loves it, but he’s a guest. And he isn’t being a great one. It hurt my feelings that he compared me to his ex, that he said he was having a panic attack about me being mad, and that he never even invited me or my dad or anyone to go fishing. He totally had tunnel vision and did what he wanted without thinking about anyone else. Karlee agreed and actually said all of that first. So it sucks. I’m just not thrilled. And don’t know if I should tell him. I’m going to have to, but man, it’s probably not going to go well.

[gettingoverthemoon]

Q2: A Goal Check in With Myself

At the start of the year I made 10 “Big Picture” Goals. Here is an update on my progress.

I am doing this to keep track of goals, update the goals, provide myself with some recognition, check in with myself, celebrate my accomplishments, reevaluate goals, and hold myself accountable.

1. Keep track of Monthly spending

I have done a very poor job of this in Q2. With all of the trips that I went on and with Alex’s wedding coming up, I’ve been spending a lot of money. I need to keep better track of what my money is going towards and hold myself to a stricter budget. The best thing about my spending habits has been that I got an $11,000 raise so I have a bit more disposable income.

2. Get a promotion/raise

I FINALLLY got a promotion!!!! I interviewed for two positions at NSF that moved me up the ladder two places! I am now a level 5, salary employee and the best part is that I work completely remote! With this, I’ve set a new goal to go on a solo trip and work from there! So far I’ve done all of the onboarding assignments and have begun working on writing projects to draft new language for the standards used by ANSI and water management systems. My team is great and I love learning new skills.

3. Run a 5K non-stop

At the start of Q2 Madison and I were going on daily walks, we would sometimes run, and even woke up before work some days to get some exercise in. We fell off the wagon on that one so I know I need to step it up in Q3. Hopefully working from home will allow me to set a new routine and start prioritizing my personal fitness and health.

4. Do something charitable each month

Over the past few months I have done a lot. I became penpals with Tony, I hosted a craft night, I donated to several charities, I spent one day a week with my mentee at the orphanage, I did some yard cleanup in the neighborhood, and celebrated earth day by doing garden swap and perennial exchanges with some of the locals.

5. Emphasize Self Care/Love one “Me day” per month

I have been going to therapy weekly, which was a huge hurdle at first but I am really proud of myself for taking this step in becoming the best version of me. I also invest in myself by doing my nails, buying new outfits that make me feel confident, and allowing myself to relax. I realized that I put a lot of time and energy into doing things for others and making sure that they are happy. I often put my own needs aside to appeal to others and I am working on choosing myself.

6. Build a garden, develop landscaping, make outside of the house pretty

I bought 6 flats of flowers and lots of veggies! The front looks AMAZING! I made a retaining wall and planted bright purple and pink petunias. I also have impatients in the back and zinnias in the half circle. I did a few perennial exchange events. I did a lot of weeding. I actually have a lawn to cut! My garden is thriving and I have zucchini, tomatoes, peppers, lots of herbs, cucumbers, and strawberries!

7. Less consumption/waste

I am still composting everything that I can, recycling what I can, and avoiding buying foods that I’m not going to eat before they go bad. I am also not really driving as much so I’m lowering my carbon footprint by driving less. Since I am growing veggies I will hopefully not have to consume as much from big box stores too. 

8. Stay up to date with current affairs

I have not been doing so great with this, though I did vote in a local election!

9. Meditate 150 sessions.

I logged less sessions in q2 than I did in q1 but I was able to schedule 10 minutes of my work day each day for reflection/meditation/goal setting. Moving forward I should have more consistent practice with mindfulness.

10. Get accepted into a graduate program

I ACCEPTED AND CONFIRMED MY ATTENDANCE FOR CMU’S MASTER OF PUBLIC HEALTH PROGRAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I start school in a cohort program in August!! WOOOHOOO!!

[gettingoverthemoon]

When the time comes and you see this, because lets be real, you will see this. Do me a favor.. when our paths cross again, since they probably will, when you hear my laugh from across a parking lot, when you see me out with other people, just leave me alone.

Don’t come after me. Don’t remember everything that I gave you and the amount of love that I gave you and want it back. Because you had all of it. And you could have had it. But you wrecked it. 

I hope and dream that one day you will see that you destroyed someone who loved you with every fiber of their being.

That’s okay because I can acknowledge the things that I need to work on and I can change me, you can’t.

[gettingoverthemoon]

I got an $11,000 raise

[gettingoverthemoon]

I’m in Seattle.. my mom just got knocked out by a sliding door. Her arms, ribs, hip, and foot are bruised. I was contacted immediately to help. I need to help and support from someone. She’s okay, but here I am being the one to step up... but still almost two thousand miles from home...... I need somebody to help me.

This is so hard.

I want to reach out to you so bad right now.

I’m fighting with myself.

[gettingoverthemoon]

You’re not dumb to love someone with all your heart, to want someone who is not good for you.

People with good hearts have the most trouble with this, we see the best in people and expect them to see the same in us. You can’t make someone love you the same. That’s why it’s important, to not wait around for someone who won’t ever love you. For the ones who wake up one day and decide they no longer love you, let them go. Let them go the second they give you that sign. Knowing they couldn’t be straight forward about how they felt, from the beginning. A reminder that no response doesn’t mean there’s hope. There’s no need to attach crazy ideas that love will revisit again, like the first time you fell in love with them. Don’t let them come back time and time again, while they left you without wonder. You don’t deserve to wait around for love that’s unclear, undecided, and gone.

[gettingoverthemoon]

I’m tired of feeling like I committed some sort of crime by falling for you. I’m tired of justifying my feelings. It just happened. And trust me, there’s nothing I want more than to not be in this situation because I know you’ll never feel the same way. I know how unwelcome I am your life. I’m aware that you don’t want me. But maybe I don’t owe an explanation to you or to myself. I feel the way I feel, I love you. I just fucking do.

[gettingoverthemoon]

I know I told you to let me go. But if you see this, please call me.

[gettingoverthemoon]

Love is a Choice

I didn’t choose to date you with the intention of getting rid of you the second I got bored. 

I’m choosing you every single day.

When you’re happy, when you’re sad, even when I’m happy and sad.

I want you.

With every single thing that you come with.

I don’t care that you have baggage. I’m strong enough to carry it.

I love you, I will choose to love you every single day.

With everything that I have.

That’s a promise I can make to you.

[gettingoverthemoon]

Thank you for letting me love you.

I know that’s unnecessary to say,

But I want to.

I learned so much about love just by being with you.

Though I deeply wish there were infinite chapters to our love story,

Thank you for being a small chapter of love in my big book of life.

[gettingoverthemoon]

[gettingoverthemoon]

[gettingoverthemoon]

You are so cruel.