getusedtoitsover
invisible.
bpd sideblog.
i'm smol and fragile and cry often so please be nice. messages scare me. asks are ok but most of the time i don't know how to respond because i'm not used to human interaction...
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Me on my way to trigger myself so I can cry for a good five minutes
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I wanted to do something fun and simple for my first steam after being gone for almost a month, so I combined two of my favorite things: books and cats! I loved the resulting sketches so much that I turned them into full pieces. Thank you to my Twitch viewers for helping me come up with cat puns for the books!
You can now get both prints at Gumroad.
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Gumroad | Redbubble | Spoonflower | Patreon | Twitch | Instagram
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Am I procrastinating writing because it's hard or am I procrastinating because it's almost done and I don't want it to be over because then I won't have a reason to live project?
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bungeoppang cat and jindo choco taco :)))
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Bridget experiencing the wonder of life. Or maybe just fun.
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Repeatedly having to learn the hard way that no one is ever going to care about me as much as I care about them really fucking sucks.
#and no offense the whole 'someday someone will' argument isn't even valid on me#because this is life is for me#this is all life is ever going to be for me#because i'm high risk during an ongoing airborne pandemic that we are never going to get out of#at least not in my lifetime#so i have no hope that things will ever be better because life will never be safe for me#so i will be stuck in my house by myself for the rest of my life#i've lost all of my friends because everyone has moved on and doesn't think i deserve to be alive#i can't meet new people because i can't leave my house#i can't meet people online because i'm too anxious/shy/scared/traumatized#so i resort to people that have hurt me in the past#thinking that somehow magically things will work the second time around#but people never change and neither will this#so why do i even bother?#I wasn't meant to be happy or cared about or even okay or safe i guess
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How do I get my ocd brain to stop telling me that I'm the reason my dog is dying?
#death mention#ocd#if i hadn't reached out to someone that I should've left in the past#maybe she wouldn't be dying right now#or maybe if I hadn't lied she wouldn't be#or maybe if i had paid more attention to her these past five months and not on this stupid person and stupid hobby that should've been left#in the past as well then she wouldn't be#i can't stop thinking it's my fault and feeling guilty about everything#and all i want to do is d*e too
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I was going to message her on instagram, but I chickened out again. So I decided to take baby steps and follow her first, thinking maybeeeee if she saw I followed her, she would message me(?) Anyway I just went on instagram for the first time since and I forgot about it and she's the first story that shows up on the top and now I feel like shit :)
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I never ever in a million years thought I would ever be going through this again, but here I am, crying my eyes out, feeling actual pain in my chest missing my old/first fp from thirteen years ago....
And I hate myself for it because I got over her/the situation like over ten years ago but that was only because I got a new fp/rp partner. And now I don't have either of them and I think I'm just desperate for affection and human interaction and like being able to feel things again because being chronically ill during an ongoing airborne pandemic is less than ideal and I've literally even lost or had to give up everything that made me happy or even content while being forced to live in isolation for the past four years.
And like all I want to do is talk to her, but she won't answer my message. I had no idea where I could even contact her because we used to talk on aim which is gone and on a message board which is gone and on twitter, but I couldn't dm her on there because of the settings. So I went with fb but I don't know if it didn't notify her of my message because we aren't friends so it might be under the "message requests" thing which no one looks at. Or she just hasn't gone on fb or she really is just ignoring me.
But I stumbled upon her IG and I went through the whole thing and now I feel worse because I miss her and I miss our rpg and of course she saw the band that we were friends because of like two years ago which means she still cares about them which means we could still bond over that, and I hate everything right now. I just want to feel happiness again. And I feel like I never will. Not to mention I just feel so fucking pathetic for still caring about her and our rpg when we haven't talked in thirteen years and it probably means nothing to her anymore. And I'm over here crying my eyes out feeling so pathetic and worthless and this fucking sucks. And of course she posted about giving up on twitch for her mental health and then she called it 'the best three years of her life' which she used to say the years we rp'ed together was the best years of her life, so like that really stung.
I just wish she would talk to me. And I don't know what else I can do because she existed thirteen years without me... like she's not just going to wake one up day and think to reach out to me when she never did before. And I just don't want to be in this physical pain anymore. I hate this.
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A notification from chrome popped up on my screen today that said something about messenger but I clicked on something else at the same time and missed what it said. So I was like panicking cause I have no idea what it said, so I had to log on to it to see if something happened and I accidentally saw that my ex fp didn't reply to me :/ So now I kinda feel like [redacted] 🙃
#thank god I didn't notice if said whether or not it was seen/read bc then i'd really want to :) :) :)#i'm really hoping she just hasn't been on or something :/#because i really thought she'd be more considerate and nice about it#but idk bc it's been 13 years and I guess i barely know her now so idk
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The funny thing is though, that I just recently realized how traumatized my last fp left me. Like she is literally the reason I was so afraid to message my old fp. Because I was so conditioned to feel rejected and ignored and generally just wrong when I'd try to talk to my last fp. And I never put that together until now.
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So I finally just did it and messaged my old fp/rp partner that I haven't spoken to in 13 years 😔 But I'm too afraid to go back and see if she replied/read it or not. So I've been over here for like 2 days getting upset that she hates me and just ignored me... but I have to keep reminding myself that I don't even know if she did or not because I'm too afraid to look.
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