ghost-of-melted-bones

[ghost-of-melted-bones]

Sleepless, again

Stabbing pain throbs through my body

Where do you feel it?

Touch me

Everywhere around your hand is fire

I am made of fire

Don't burn

Pull your hand back, quick

I will not burn you down with me

I crumble

How long until I am one with the earth

Will you visit the tree I become?

[ghost-of-melted-bones]

Maybe there's a world where we dance around the kitchen,

singing to a song we've known our whole lives,

but just starting to understand what it really means--

just starting to see that it could be about us.

Maybe there's a world where you're wearing my shirt,

and it bunches on your thighs where you sit on the counter;

I slide between your knees, wearing your socks,

and we giggle about how intertwined our lives have become.

Maybe there's a world where we stand in the bathroom,

brushing our teeth together like I promised I'd never do;

I can't help but grin at how cheesy we've become,

and you laugh with me until we melt together in a mess on the floor.

Maybe there's a world where we curl into each other at night,

but I don't feel any pressure to hide or put on a show,

and you still cling like letting go is the last thing you'd consider--

the first thing you'd do is pull me closer and murmer in my ear.

Maybe there's a world, but in this one we trade laughter and smiles,

and we exchange light hearted promises,

but we don't touch, or melt, or hold, or dance--

at least not together.

[ghost-of-melted-bones]

Literary magazine staff update: If I ever have to read another poem again I'm going to break my computer (I have 120 more poetry submissions to read)

[ghost-of-melted-bones]

I NEED MORE BUDDIE FICS THAT EMOTIONALLY DESTROY ME. GIVE ME RECOMMENDATIONS. INJECT THE FANFICTION INTO MY VEINS.

[ghost-of-melted-bones]

I want to love loudly.

I want to love with everything I have.

But I've tried that and somehow my everything is always not enough and too much.

I'm built to love loudly. To love hard. To love big.

I'm scared that I've put so much energy into loving people who leave (not the wrong people because I don't think love like this can be wrong) that I will be too tired to give the people that show up the love they deserve.

[ghost-of-melted-bones]

Chronie problem #00005

Oh how I wish you could understand, but if you do you had to be one of the  club and that’s worse.

[ghost-of-melted-bones]

Confession #2,960

I want a serious relationship, but I don’t want that person to have to be in a relationship with all of my illnesses.

[ghost-of-melted-bones]

“It’s not just the pain in every inch of my body. It’s the disabling fatigue. The brain fog. The hopelessness. The depression. The disappointment. The anger. It’s more than ‘just a bit of muscle pain’. My personality has changed. I don’t see friends as much. I’m me, but less.”

— Emily Bourne, http://www.risenzine.com/2018/11/chronically-comics.html

[ghost-of-melted-bones]

It doesn’t offend me when people tell me I am strong. But I don’t feel strong. I just feel pain and obligation.

[ghost-of-melted-bones]

I wish I could be poetic about my chronic illness. I wish I could make this thing that makes me feel so rotten inside into a beautiful representation of my life.

But the thing is, it drains all of my energy. I struggle to even right the mean and nasty things on the tip of my tongue. I can't imagine how hard it would be to try and make it palatable for other people.

I know I want to write and explain, but more often than not right now I just want to scream.

Wouldn't you want to scream if it constantly elt like someone was sitting on your abdomen and your chest constantly? Wouldn't you want to scream if your joints felt like they were on fire? Wouldn't you want to scream if just going outside convinced you you were dying?

Now I have all these physical symptoms with no name. And on top of that my anxiety has come back full force. Covid anxiety, general social anxiety, school anxiety, it's all there and worse than ever.

I almost cry everyday because it's just so much. And then I read these stories and I see this art. I just want to embrace all of it.

More than anything I want to feel loved. I want to feel like I can be loved. I want to feel like I have the energy to love. I want to feel like I won't have to explain my way into love for the rest of my life. I want to feel seen, understood, and protected. I want to not be so fucking tired.

[ghost-of-melted-bones]

It both blows my mind and doesn't suprise me that there is not a lot of masking going on at the DNC. That is a massive event with so many people. I'm anxious taking my mask of to take a drink in my 18 person college class. I was watching some videos and I didn't see a single mask.

We keep acting like these massive events aren't going to have health implications. I'd love to know what COVID protocols were in place for the DNC, cause I have a feeling there were basically none.

It just makes my head hurt.

I

[ghost-of-melted-bones]

I don't know how to balance the positive and the negative well when talking about being chronically ill. Today, I'll start with the bad and end with the good.

There's something that hurts, deep in my soul, when I realize I can't even watch something that I hold such a deep love and respect for because I know I probably won't be able to go back to it. It hurts to see others playing a sport that just a year ago I was growing comfortable in. Thinking about the fact that my heath just keeps crumbling no matter what I do and that deciding to go back would make it even worse crushes me a little.

At the same time though, there's something liberating about the fact that I was able to see and understand what was happening to my body well enough to know I needed to step back. While I crave the connection of a team like that, I hope that I might find it in activities that are uplifting and supportive because of what I can do, not what I can't. I took the steps to walk away from something physically and emotionally draining, and I can value the positive impacts on my life because I knew when to step back.

I miss the family I built, however flawed, the confidence I gained, and the normalcy. But I love the hope of finding more people to love, and who will love me, becoming comfortable and proud of what I can do without going too far, and embracing the opportunity for change and newness.

[ghost-of-melted-bones]

There are two wolves inside me:

The one that says I should be kind to myself and give myself time to heal and recover again.

And the one that says I should start 54 projects and finish them all before I start school again.

I think I know which wolf is gonna win.

[ghost-of-melted-bones]

Chronic illness be like:

I feel okay, but just okay (like functional), so I should take it slow this week. Where I then proceed to do nothing but read, watch TV, and bake a cake. All of this both out of tiredness and also a hope that I'll feel better next week (or at least better than if I had done a lot of things).

Then the next week comes and I go to work (which I didn't have last week). I go and feel mostly okay, but I had to use my inhaler, which has only happened 2 other times. Okay fine, rough day for breathing. I get home and basically drop dead. My head: killing me. My bones/muscles/joints: revolution. And then I'm forced back into bed wondering what I possibly did to anger the body gods that live inside me and dictate how I feel.

I think I'm starting to forget what it feels like to not be in pain. And even worse than that, I know I'm flaring, but I liberally can't understand why. I just wish I understood my body because I'd love to live my life sometimes.