giasdiary

[giasdiary]

march 1, 2020

dear diary,

i’ve honestly felt at such a low all week, specifically today. started the day of crying. woke up home alone because my family was at the county fair supporting my brother. i was there the day prior. scrolled on my phone only to see all of my friends having fun and i’m not there. and yes, i know i can’t be invited all the time, but this happens too often to count. is being included every once in a while a grand wish? sat on the couch, alone. ate breakfast, alone. cried, alone. i even called out for my dog before i was once again reminded shes fucking dead. after a good solid cry, i called my mom only to be scolded for being selfish when it was my brothers time. i just felt alone. i understand it was his time, but when it’s my time, he’s never alone. he’s with friends, or hanging with my dad. i was completely alone, watching my friends and family have fun without me. mom wants to suddenly be a big supporter of mental health, but gets upset when mine is slightly off.

- gia

[giasdiary]

february 29, 2020

dear diary,

i wanna talk a little bit about fomo, the fear of missing out. something i deal with quite a lot. i often think about what happens when i’m not there. i wonder if people are talking about me or if they’re not even thinking of me at all. this past week my friends had all been on a field trip that financially was not in my families budget. all damn week i’ve felt like shit and i kept thinking, “i bet no one even cares i’m not there” i see all the fun their having and it just feels like im a little girl, not invited to the class party, and having to hear about it on the playground the next day. it sucks. and yes, i know there’s nothing i could do about it, but i think, “what if?”. the rest of my friends were at a weekend long convention that surprisingly, was too expensive for me. felt like shit about that too. everyone is having fun while i’m stuck at home, not at either place i want to be at. wish i could’ve been out having a good time, but i guess i’m gonna wait on the swing-set to hear about the good times when everyone is back.

-gia

[giasdiary]

february 28, 2020

dear diary,

this summer was probably the most fun i had ever had. i was practically living in a dream. i had my first boyfriend who i really thought i was in love with, i had fun adventures with some of my best friends, i was playing my musical dream role. nothing could’ve been better. i think about that summer a lot. i often wonder if i’ll ever be that happy again, if i’ll ever find joy the same way i did. that boy i thought i loved, hasn’t spoke to me in months. those friends i hung out with ditched me for better people. that role i played, i will probably never play again. looking back at the pictures i took during that summer, i looked genuinely good. i was happy with my appearance and how i felt about myself. i compare those to the pictures i took in the beginning of the school year. i look tired, and out of it. i wanna know what happened. sure school is stressful and a lot of work, but i doubt the end of summer break had anything to do with it. i haven’t felt joy like that summer since. sometimes living the dream has its set backs.

- gia

[giasdiary]

february 27, 2020

dear diary,

it’s come to a point in my life where in order to remain sane, i need to start putting my friends through the sifter. let the good ones through and the old bad clumps get left and thrown out. i wanna sound fun and quirky and say “i wish i could feel something,” but my issue is that i feel too god damn much. i cant tell if i’m just being over sensitive or if i’m over thinking. it’s an answer i long for, but know it will never happen. i also wonder how i drove myself to poor coping mechanisms. how did i go from being such a happy uppity girl, to a piece of shit high school student who vapes in the bathrooms just to feel some sort of a buzz throughout the day. it’s dumb and one of the worst desicions i could possibly be making. during one of my schools poorly planned mental health days, they taught us healthy ways to cope, like medating and other bullshit and said bad coping is things like addiction and ignoring everything til it goes away. it makes me think how many people are stuck in my situation, that things like that need to be said. hiding from my problems in the handicapped stall of the women’s restroom during third period felt comfortable to me and it still does. i cant make this my norm, but how do i stop after i’ve already begun?

- gia