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Should You Invite These Cosmere Characters To Your Wedding?

As requested by anon. :)

You're getting married! As you whittle down the guest list for your big day, you must consider whether or not to invite the following Cosmere characters. Please adhere to the following advice.

1. Jasnah: No

There is a nonzero chance that she will try to have someone assassinated during your wedding.

2. MeLaan: Yes

MeLaan can only be a good time. I'm sure she'll pick a lovely body to wear to your big day.

3. Adolin and Shallan: Yes

You need Adolin for the reception. He will dance with everyone, and the party will be more fun as a result. And Shallan will either get you a really nice wedding gift or an original drawing--either way, score!

4. Kaladin: Only if you don't mind being upstaged

No matter how awesome your planned entrance to the reception is, Kaladin's entrance will be better. He doesn't even do it on purpose.

5. Siri and Susebron: Only if you don't mind being upstaged

You heard a lot more comments about "how beautiful the bride looks in her dress" before this couple walked in, shining with all of the lights of the rainbow. They didn't even wear white, and they're still prismatic!

6. Tress and Charlie: Yes

I feel like they are a couple who (a) love weddings and (b) cry at them.

7. Hoid: No

See, you don't invite him, and then if he shows up, you're like "Dang, I guess my wedding is has Cosmere-wide relevance." It's a necessary test these days.

8. Sebarial and Palona: Yes

Their wedding gift to you will be SO much money.

9. Leshwi: No

As you sit at the elevated couple's table with your new spouse, you can feel how angry Leshwi is that you're higher than she is. Also, you just don't think it's right that her train is so much longer than the bride's.

10. Sarene and Raoden: Yes

Sarene probably won't tell any of her wedding stories (about how her husband "died" before her first one and how she "died" during the second one). I bet they are both very well-behaved at weddings at which neither of them dies.

11. Elhokar: No

There is a nonzero chance that Elhokar will try to make your wedding about him. He doesn't have an engagement or a pregnancy to announce, but he'll find something. He's a messy bitch that way.

12. Kelsier: Yes

Kelsier will be charming and smiling and will probably give a good toast. He probably won't kill anyone. You're, like, not a member of the elite or anything are you?

13. Szeth: No

Don't be mean--you KNOW he doesn't like big parties! All of his party experiences have involved murder.

14. Lift: No

Don't be mean--you KNOW Lift prefers to sneak into your wedding! Just make sure you have the place setting ready, just in case she does want to join.

15. Renarin: Yes

If nothing else, you want to see if he says, "Sorry--can't due to the terrible prophecy" or "Yes, that sounds fun." That will at least let you know what kind of day to expect.

16. Vin and Elend: Yes

Vin is great at fancy parties, and will only kill someone if that person tries to kill her first, which is only fair. Elend may be reading during some of it, but that's okay.

17. Wax and Steris: No

Wonderful people, would definitely get you a nice gift from your registry. BUT there will also be a shoot-out. Or a stampede. Possibly a flood. Possibly all three. You don't need that stress.

18. Wayne: Only if you're SURE he likes your partner

Otherwise, he will sabotage your wedding.

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Marasi Colms

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Should You Ask These Cosmere Characters To Help You Move?

You need help moving into a new apartment. Would these Cosmere characters be good choices for helping with that?

1. Kaladin: Yes

You send Kaladin to the store to get more boxes and he returns with twenty strapping young men who all spontaneously decided to come with him to help you move. Now it's all going to go super fast!

2. Adolin: Yes

Adolin just makes the process more fun--he's laughing and joking and making sure everyone drinks water. Plus he can carry like three boxes at once.

3. Wax: No

Listen, you're glad that Wax saved that squirrel by chasing it out of the street before it could get run over the car but you wish he hadn't done it by leaping out the window and onto the couch on the sidewalk and then skidding a small box across the road directly toward the squirrel, hence saving its life, because that box had your mugs in it and now all your mugs are broken. :( And your couch has boot prints. :(

4. Jasnah: Not your first choice

Jasnah will help, and she'll do a good job, but when she picks up a box and asks where it goes and you say, "Oh, that's some kitchen stuff and some of my shoes so just leave it in the living room for now," there is a long pause where you know she is reevaluating you based on your poor organizational skills and it just doesn't feel great.

5. Elend: No

He means well, but every time he tries to pack up your office he gets distracted reading your books. And there are only so many times you can be like, "Elend! Please! You can't tape boxes and read at the same time! You just taped yourself to the box AGAIN!"

6. Raoden: Yes

Moving sucks. You always need more boxes than you think and every box seems heavier than you remembered and anchoring your bookcases to the wall seemed like a good idea when you moved in but now that you have unscrew each and every one you kinda wish you had rolled the dice when it came to earthquakes. But through it all, Raoden seems cheerful and at peace and he just keeps on keeping on, and honestly, you find it kind of inspiring.

7. Navani: Yes

When you realize that your dining room table can't fit through the apartment's front door, Navani is like, "Hey, don't worry; I got this," and then she rigs up a whole system to heft the table over the balcony and through the sliding doors.

8. Dalinar: Depends

If you ask Dalinar to help you move, he will be like, "Of course. Let's start the strategy meeting." And you might say, "Uh, the strategy is that we take these boxes and put them in the van" but it's too late. He has a whiteboard somehow and he's assigning different people to different rooms and making sure that the supply lines (?) are organized. And if you were secretly hoping that someone would come in and take charge then great! But if you were hoping that people would just grab boxes and take them to the van, then you're out of luck because apparently Dalinar is simply in charge now.

9. The Stormfather: No

"I'll drive the van. I'm not afraid to drive huge, terrifying vehicles of destruction across the land," the Stormfather says, which at first sounds good because you were kinda afraid of trying to drive that huge moving truck but then you see the Stormfather with a map and he's drawn a line straight from your old apartment to the new apartment and he doesn't seem to mind that there aren't roads that go that way and in fact seems to be planning to drive straight through two neighborhoods and four office complexes and you gently fish the keys out of his pocket and tell him that you'll be driving after all.

10. Yumi: Yes

That moment that you realize that you should have ordered a bigger truck is the very moment that Yumi comes to you, puts her hand on your shoulder and says, "Don't worry. I got you." And you go to get a drink of water and by the time you come back Yumi has tetrised ALL of your boxes into that VERY SMALL moving van and holy shit it's going to work out after all.

11. Rock: Yes

Are you kidding me? He not only helps you move but also makes dinner for everyone? You're going to ask him to help you move every time forever (sorry, Rock).

12. Kelsier: No

It's really your fault. You shouldn't have asked Kelsier to label the boxes for you. "It's a secret :)" was funny the first time, but now you're standing in your new apartment surrounded by boxes that ALL say that, and you kind of want to cry.

13. Azure: Yes

All the other people who came to help you move all spontaneously swear loyalty to Azure as soon as they see her and start competing to be the Best at Moving so as to earn her favor. Which is just kinda great for you.

14. Steris: Yes

You asked Steris to come by at 10:00am but instead she comes by at 4:00pm the previous day and helps you pack up all of your stuff based on the excellent Packing System that she developed and you just never realized that everything could fit so well and be so organized and maybe you can be an Adult after all?

15. Moash: No

Moash is like, "Why are you moving?" And you're like, "My landlord raised the rent too high." And Moash is like, "What? That's illegal. Let's kill your landlord instead." And you're like, "What? No. Moash, I just need help moving this bookcase." But Moash has already grabbed a knife from the kitchen box and he's already out the door and now how will you move this bookcase? It's too heavy for you. :(

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If Rosharans Were Obsessed with Mean Girls...

Stormlight characters watching Mean Girls requested by @idontknowwhatnametouse :)

Mean Girls is a movie about a high school girl infiltrating the popular girl squad to take revenge on them. It spawned a lot of memes. What would happen if it not only came to Roshar somehow, but also became something that everyone watched?

1. Dalinar: Tries to be hip with it

Dalinar: On Wednesdays, we wear Kholin blue. Dalinar: ... Dalinar: Also on every other day. Dalinar: Because that is what the codes say.

2. Navani: Tries to be hip with it

Adolin: Are you, uh, wearing a glove? Navani: Yes, I'm wearing a glove instead of the full safehand sleeve. Navani: I'm not like a regular mom. I'm a cool mom. Navani: ... Navani: Cool aunt? Adolin: Maybe we should stop talking now.

3. Stormfather: Likes the bus scene

Stormfather: The movie shows that if you hit someone with a bus, they become nicer. Dalinar: I...do not think that is the intended message. Stormfather: When I tried to blow all of you off of the plateau, maybe I had the right idea. Dalinar: ... Stormfather: Maybe *I* am the bus. Dalinar: Perhaps movie night was a bad idea.

4. Pattern: Takes some of the lessons to heart

Pattern: No mating! Pattern: You WILL get chlamydia and die!

5. The memes

Lift: If Drehy is married, then why is his butt so good? Wyndle: Oh my god, mistress, you can't just ask why someone's butt is good! Wyndle: Wait, what does his being married have to do with it? Lift: D-Did you use a meme? Lift: I'm so stormin' proud.

6. Listen, the memes though

Shallan: If that guy is a herald, then why are his eyes brown? Kaladin: Oh my god, Shallan, you can't just ask someone why their eyes are brown! Shallan: Y-You were surprised too!

7. Moash: Figures anything is worth a try

Moash: And why should Elhokar get to stomp around like a giant while people like us get crushed underneath his big feet? We are just as cute as Elhokar, right? We're just as smart as Elhokar (well, way smarter), and you like me way more than you like Elhokar. When did it become okay for one person to be the boss of everybody? We should totally just STAB ELHOKAR! Kaladin: ... Kaladin: Are you trying to get me to commit regicide by quoting Mean Girls? Moash: Is it working?

8. Bridge 4 would quote it all the time

Skar: Kaladin... How do we begin to explain Kaladin Stormblessed? Rock: Kaladin Stormblessed is flawless. Lopen: I hear his hair is insured for ten emerald broams! Drehy: I hear he appears in fashion magazines... In Kharbranth! Sigzil: One time he met the Herald Taln... Leyten: ...and Taln said he looked strong. Moash: One time he punched me in the face... It was awesome.

9. Adolin could make "fetch" happen

Adolin: That is so fetch! Sadeas (sounding bored): Stop trying to make "fetch" happen, Adolin. It's NOT going to happen. Jakamov [in the distance]: Wow! So fetch! Danlan: I know, right? The fetchiest! Sadeas: NOOOOOO

10. Wit: Thinks the Burn Book could be improved

Wit: See, the issue with the Burn Book was keeping it secret. Wit: I'm just writing down my insults as I say them, in front of everyone. Wit: Then I leave the book on display, and anyone can revisit my best insults at any time! Wit: See? Elhokar: Wit... None of us men can read. Wit: ... Wit: Every day this planet tests my patience.

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Got out of prison after a week a couple days ago and the first thing I’ve done with full internet access and the time to use it is to catch up with your blogging. I thought you might find this funny.

That is insane. Your blogging loyalty will not go unrewarded.

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Listen, consuming the Cosmere as audiobooks is something I recommend to anyone who enjoys the format at all. There are multiple reasons for this, not the least being that Michael Kramer and Kate Reading are incredibly talented at their jobs, but parts of the experience is more... Nebulous. Like the very ending of Shadows of Self, book two of Mistborn Era Two. (So, y'know, mild spoilers for that coming up)

Michael Kramer, dour, solemn: "Finally, he turned to the side, rested his head on her shoulder, and wept."

*literally seconds later*

Michael Kramer, perky, energetic: "ARS ARCANUM"

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More Oathbringer stuff

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I wish Dalinar was real so I could bully him and tell him nobody loves him and that he's ugly and bad at sex and is most definitely going to hell so I could watch him cry and tell him he's gonna die alone while also thinking this is all incredibly hot

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The Lighthouse (2019) ✨ hopecore edition ✨

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I'm doing another reread of Stormlight, and I just got to the part where Shallan goes out into the Breakaway Market as Veil for the first time, and meets that bouncer that immediately goes to flirt with her. I remember the first time I read that and thinking that the guy was gonna be a slime, but then she gets really drunk, and he's immediately like "Hey, you're really drunk, don't you think I should call you a cab before the bad people come to the bars?"

And I just really liked that. Thank you for being a decent, stand up guy, Tor (or however it's spelled(edit: It's Jor)

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i feel like we don’t talk about things like this enough

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Cosmere Characters with Random Hobbies

This is months later, but at the time I'm writing this, there's a big trend on tumblr of people sending around Picker Wheel polls--is that still going on?

Anyway, I saw this post with a Hobby Picker Wheel, and I used it to assign random Cosmere characters random hobbies! Let's see how it goes!

1. Lezian tries...weaving

Lezian: I HATE THIS Lezian: I HATE SITTING STILL AND I HATE YARN AND I HATE THAT THIS STUPID LOOM IS SOMEHOW DEFEATING ME Lezian: DIE LOOM, DIE!!!!! Raboniel: That's the fifth loom he's broken. Leshwi: I don't think fiber crafts are for him.

2. Charlie tries...reading

Charlie: Wow, this is so relaxing! Charlie: In a book, the evil sorceress can't actually hurt me! Charlie: ... Charlie: It is maybe a little boring, though.

3. Demoux tries...model airplanes

Demoux: It's so weird. Demoux: I don't even know what an "airplane" is. Demoux: And yet...I am SO invested in getting this right. Galladon: Demoux, please, the Seventeenth Shard has left you like a hundred messages. Demoux: I'm BUSY.

4. Lightsong tries...pickleball

Lightsong: So...is the ball the pickle? Is the net the pickle? Is the racket the pickle? Lightsong: ...Am I the pickle? Llarimar: Your Grace, please, your opponent is weeping. Lightsong: Not my fault I'm freakishly good at all sports.

5. Lirin tries...horseback riding

Lirin: I just don't see the point, really. Lirin: I have legs for walking. Lirin: Riding may be faster, but it's also higher. And angrier. Kaladin: I...agree with my father about something? Lirin: You don't have to sound that surprised!

6. Dilaf ties...cycling

Dliaf: HAHAHAHAHAHA Dilaf: WITH THIS DEVICE I SHALL SPREAD THE WORD OF SHU-DERETH FAR AND WIDE Dilaf: WHILE MOWING DOWN HEATHENS WITH MY METAL HORSE Dliaf: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH Hrathen: You're not built for hobbies.

7. Bleeder tries...crossword puzzles

Bleeder: This...this is impossible! Harmony: You can't put down "murder" as the answer to every clue. Bleeder: STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO

8. Elend tries...swimming

Vin: 👀 👀 👀 Elend: Swimsuits sure are...revealing. Elend: Are we SURE this is the right size? Vin: WE SURE ARE

9. Vin tries...archery

Vin: It's fine, I guess. Vin: Kinda a slow way to bring death to your enemies, though. Vin: One at a time? Really? Archery range attendant: Please ma'am you are scaring the children.

10. Painter tries...single-player video games

Painter: [With tears in his eyes] Painter: Finally...the lonely hero all in black...saving the world....is me. Yumi: Is your Warrior of Light riding a...really fat chicken? Painter: ITS NAME IS NIGHT WALKER

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I am so hyped for Lift in the back half of stormlight. Post-timeskip she'll be older than Kal and Shallan were in the first arc, and we've already been told that she has an insane amount of raw potential. Add years of training with Zahel to that plus the fact that she might be the only radiant that can function outside of Urithiru? She's going to be a force to be reckoned with.

AND she for sure blames herself for Gav, so I'm interested to see how that will affect her character, that's a big trauma. And I really want to learn more about her mom/her backstory and the edgedancer oaths. I'm just so excited for grown Lift.

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... "It's idiocy to try to prove a negative. Let the Vorin believe as they wish. The wise among them will find goodness and solace in their faith. The fools would be fools no matter what they believe."

Jasnah Kholin, being her profound self on religion and morality

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Randomly Assembled Cosmere Roommates: How Will They Fare?

[Note: This post contains major WAT spoilers!]

@truthwatcherblog created a poll (which should still be going on, if I've gotten my dates right?) wherein you spin a picker wheel to randomly assign yourself three Stormlight roommates. With OP's permission, I'm going to use their picker wheel not to give myself roommates, but to create trios of Stormlight characters who now must room together. Let's see how it goes!

[I faithfully adhered to the picker wheel except for skipping repeats. Lin Davar came up THREE times!]

1. Lopen, the Nightwatcher, Cord

The Nightwatcher would stay holed up in her room all day, leaving mostly just Lopen & Cord, who did travel together during Dawnshard...a story in which we learned that Lopen has a huge crush on Cord. Hopefully they'd sort that out pretty quick so that it doesn't turn into a Wayne/Ranette situation. 

Cord: And this is my girlfriend, Rysn. Lopen: Well okay, but I'm not gonna stop trying to impress you with my jokes and manly ways! Cord: ...To try to win me over? Lopen: No, I mostly just like making people laugh and and I like being complimented. For my manly ways. Cord: I can live with that. Nightwatcher: [Through the closed door and the ten million blankets that she shrouds herself in] Can someone please bring me ice cream? 

2. Moash, Lin Davar [Shallan's dad], Syl

[sing-song voice] Someone is getting muuuurdered!

Lin: Are you stupid as well as blind, dark-eyes? I SAID to pour me wine! Moash: [already drawing his sword] Syl: In this house, we stan some extrajudicial killings. 

3. Lezian, Masha-daughter-Shaliv [Szeth's wife], Maya

This household is never at peace.

Lezian: I CAN'T do the dishes, I'm busy STALKING and KILLING people! Maya: [arms folded] A good soldier doesn't shy away from unglamorous work. Maya: You can be a "killing slut" later. Lezian: STOP CALLING ME THAT Masha (busy writing): Hey guys, what's a synonym for "bald"?

4. Skar, Rock, Kmakl [Queen Fen's husband]

It all works out great once they set some boundaries.

Skar: No more sex with your wife in the living room without warning us first. Kmarkl: Fiiiiine. Skar: We all love your stew, Rock, but sometimes other people want to use the big pot, too. Rock: Fair enough, fair enough! Rock: And you, Skar, need to stop throwing our stuff out the window just because we leave them lying around! Kmarkl: I couldn't find my lucky socks for two weeks! Skar: ... Skar: Wow, living together really is about compromise. 

5. Roshone, Huio, Taravangian

Mostly, I feel sorry for Huio.

Roshone: Can't believe my wife kicked me out. Can't belive I have to have roommates. Taravangian: Nobody go into the basement, okay? I'm using it to store my...stuff. Roshone: Why does your "stuff" require so much sound-proofing, anyway? Taravangian: It's, uh, a playroom for my...noisy grandchildren? Roshone: Sure, that feels right. Huio: [in the kitchen making soup] Huio: (muttering to himself in Herdazian): I'm NEVER telling them I can understand Alethi. 

6. Szeth, Rlain, Drehy

This is going to be SO good for Szeth's mental health! Drehy's gonna be working overtime helping both of his roommates, though.

Rlain: So, uh... Drehy: Yes, you may ask me all of your "gay" questions. Rlain: I really appreciate that! Szeth: Kaladin says that I must "ask other people" if I have a thought that "does not quite seem right." Szeth: I pose this to you both: if you burn a dinner you were really looking forward to, is death the answer? Rlain: No! Drehy: I'll order pizza.

7. Gezamal [Yanagawn's guard], Ishnah [Lightweaver], Testament [dead-eyed cryptic]

Testament is really the glue that holds this household together.

Gezamal: Ishnah, let's have dinner together tonight and talk. Ishnah: What, why? Gezamal: Testament and I share a bond since she is a dead-eye and I am Unoathed. Testament: [gives thumbs-up] Gezamal: You and Testament share a bond because you are a Ligthweaver and she is a Cryptic. Testament: [gives thumbs-up] Gezamal: For household solidarity, you and I should now figure out what we have in common. Ishnah: ...What's that big book you have? Gezamal: I pre-drafted a list of things we might have in common. Gezamal: For example, as a member of the Unseen Court, were you ever punished with lavatory duty? That happened to me once. Ishnah: Oh, this conversation is gonna be rough.

8. Elid [Szeth's sister], Kalak [herald], Wyndle

Kalak, scared as he is of humans, much prefers one of his two roommates...

Wyndle: Oh, I'm so glad you like this! "How It's Made" is one of my FAVORITE shows, but the  mistress says it's "boring." Kalak: It's great! I've never felt so calm! Elid: Yo, what are we watching? Kalak: Eep! Elid: ... Elid: The Almighty Herald is hiding behind a cushion again, huh? Wyndle: I-I'm sure he doesn't mean to offend you!

9. Wit, Aladar [highprince], Renarin

It's like Christmas came early for Wit--he likes to make fun of both of them!

Wit: [eyes glinting] Aladar: W-We should make an alliance now, Renarin! Aladar: Together we can stand up even to this man! Renarin: Oh,  uh... Renarin: I actually already made an alliance with Wit this morning, when he asked. Aladar: NOOOOO

10. Abidi the Monarch, the Thrill, Tanavast

Okay, I'm sure your mind went immediately to "sheer destruction," but what if...?

Tanavast: Abidi! It's YOUR turn to walk the Thrill! The Thrill: [bouncing excitedly at the word "walk"] Abidi: Not now, you fool! There are people being wrong on the internet, and I must bathe in their blood! [sitcom laugh track] Abidi: And I keep telling you to call me Abidi the Monarch! Tanavast (muttering): More like Abidi the Moron. The Thrill: Arf! Arft! [sitcom laugh track] [Theme song starts playing, revealing the sitcom title: 3 Old Gods]

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Whenever I reread the Quaestor scene in Clonelord, I always think the same thing.

I completely understand that Fabius' r/atheism moment is the star of the scene. It's really cool, I feel like it does a lot to characterize him that he can look into a fragment of Slaanesh, feel his hearts stop and his systems rebel, force his eyes down and be like 'nope, not real', and honestly, it's also so damn funny.

What I do not understand, however, is why no one ever talks about the line 'You have committed crimes of such monstrous elegance that even the Gods themselves grow uneasy' that immediately precedes it, because that shit goes incredibly hard imo!

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Do you have a fun cosmere fandom memory from this year? Could be art you saw or fic you read, a funny interaction on tumblr or reddit, something that happened at Dragonsteel Nexus if you happened to be able to go... Whatever comes to you!

I mean, aside from being close to ugly crying at work because of WaT several times, I think having ongoing conversations with my friend going through Mistborn (both era 1 and 2) has gotta be up there. Saw a lot of cool fanart too!