girlhoodistorture

[girlhoodistorture]

Coffee House stitched by Kathy Meyers. Pattern from the Holiday Village Colelction by Nora Corbett.

This is my conversion of Nora’s “Coffee House” design framed by the incomparable team of Jill Rensel and Amber Hansen at Rensel Studio.  Stitched on 28ct Stormy Grey Jobelan.

[girlhoodistorture]

12/23/22

i used to love tumblr. it was pretty much my only social media in middle school. i loved the anonymity, the ability to connect with people who shared my interests, and to feel "mature."

i'm home on winter break, i forgot my journal, twitter is dying, and most of the midwest & midsouth is frozen over right now, so i thought maybe i would give tumblr another try.

i used to think i was something called a "highly sensitive person," but honestly i don't know if that's real. i think i just have trauma. why, when my boyfriend apologizes for irrational behavior in an argument, does it make me so happy i could cry? i thought maybe i was just happy the argument was over, but i realized the other night that i don't think i ever consider an apology to be an option. when i get into an argument with someone, i never anticipate an apology or even know to ask for one. i feel that i am deserving of their anger. even if i am right, i must be at least half wrong.

this happened the other night, where i was feeling genuinely upset and angry over something totally legitimate, but my boyfriend was angry when i brought it up to him. we argued, and he was mad at me. i started to question my position, my feelings, myself. i was choking down a feeling of righteousness, the knowledge that i was rightly upset and should be vocal about my anger. instead of believing myself, i broke down. i was crying, stuttering, unable to articulate my reasoning and feelings.

later, he apologized. totally. he said his behavior was irrational, unacceptable, that i shouldn't be blaming myself for being upset or "starting a fight." the relief that i felt was overwhelming. like i no longer had to shoulder this burden of backtracking and apologizing and swallowing to keep the peace—to accommodate his feelings.

i don't want it to sound like i am helpless. i'm not. i know my boundaries and i know my worth, as well as i can for now. i know how to advocate for myself, and i try to fight my nature/nurture—the desire to become small, shrink away, be peaceful. but sometimes i do worry that i am not looking out for myself enough. i apologize sometimes when i know i'm right. i placate behavior that i do not find acceptable. i let myself be treated in ways that i know i am not deserving of.

i am scared of being That Girl. the traditional girl. the one who stays, the one who is stupid, the one who is walked all over. i think i was nurtured to be this girl, but my nature is quite the opposite. i am fiery, actually. i am stubborn. there is a rage that runs deep in me. it is terrifying, it is powerful, it is under-utilized. i think sometimes i use it as a defense, but not when i really need it. not in intimate partnerships. that is when i become small, shrink away, deny myself. i have been working on it, i think, all my life. but i don't know if this is something that can be fixed now, or fixed alone. maybe this is something i just have to learn. i am scared of what that means.

anyways. first tumblr post! expect more of this. happy holidays :)