gojosgooch - Tumblr blog

gojosgooch · 5 months

Text

Pale Blue [Part One]

Geto Suguru x AFAB Pregnant Reader

Warnings: THIS FIC IS CANON COMPLIANT, if you are not caught up on Jujutsu Kaisen's manga, or at the very least if you have not seen "gojo's past" you WILL be spoiled. This story contains darker themes, heavier topics, pregnancy and all the lovely details of it, and lastly explicit sexual content. Read at your own risk!

A/N: Here it is!! Part One!! This fic is super self indulgent for me and I'm very excited for y'all to read it. The idea literally came to me in a dream like a month ago and I woke up and immediately started writing. It's been a long ass time since I've written a plot heavy fic, and it's been well over a year since I've actively planned a multiple part story and gone through with it. So, this fic is kinda like... my baby lol.

Word Count: 19k | Playlist

September 2007

Your mouth felt like chalk, hands trembling ever so slightly as you set the small wand on the countertop in your bathroom. You couldn't think straight, but that unfortunately wasn’t anything new, it had been that way for the last three weeks. Ever since he left, you had felt like your head was stuck in a fishbowl. People eyeing you with pity at the world you had been dropped into, their whispers muffled into incoherent nonsense as you walked by. Satoru was no better off, but he could at least tug his emotions off of his sleeves and place them in his heart where nobody could see them, except for you. At least you would be able to see them if he didn’t shut you out.

Not that you had been any kinder, you had withdrawn too.

The only one who seemed alright was Shoko, her reaction to Suguru’s deflection was nothing out of character. Not many things could shock her to her core, even something as absurd as what Suguru had done couldn’t wipe the gentle smile from her face when she saw him again. You envied her for that level of composure. You envied her for getting to see him again, just as you envied Satoru. For some reason, the man evaded you as if you were the plague. Or perhaps it looked like you were merely chasing after a ghost, a figment of your imagination. You kind of wished that it was true, that Geto Suguru had been someone you conjured up in your mind.

But he wasn’t, he was a real, breathing human who had taken over one hundred lives…. Including his parents. The thought made your mouth taste like metal, everytime you zoned out too long and thought too hard, you’d bite your inner cheek until it bled. Three weeks later you still felt like you were moving on autopilot, the only thing that could pull you out of it would be his gentle embrace. You blinked a bit, the metallic taste coating your tongue as you unclench your jaw and look in the mirror. You hardly recognize yourself, for a moment you think you look just like him, and it's enough to steal the little air you had in your lungs.

You had never thought you'd experience a heartbreak as severe as this one, and you especially didn’t think it would be dealt to you by Suguru. Though you saw all of the signs, the hundreds if not thousands he put out and never let you touch. No, his cries for help were always directed at Satoru. The white haired man never seemed to catch them, and if he did, he never said a thing. Suguru had refused to acknowledge his issues when he was with you, no matter how many times you tried to sit him down and get it out. He’d change the subject and move on.

He’d sweet-talk you, making you forget why you had been so concerned in the first place because there, for a fleeting moment, was the boy you had fallen in love with two years prior. He’d fill your mind with nothing but good things, pretty noises, good feelings. Not stopping until his name was all you could utter, not stopping until you fell asleep in his arms, content and sedated. He was a master at avoidance, trying so hard to keep things perfect just for you. You were beginning to hate him for it, but even the idea of hating him made bile burn your throat.

You were left in emotional turmoil, love mixing with hate mixing with rage and depression. No matter how many times the word hate flashed through your mind, it was never truly directed at Suguru. Rather the jujutsu world, the things they had forced upon him, the pressure he had been made to feel. You especially felt that bubbling hate for a certain man by the name of Fushiguro Toji, who caused this whole spiral. He was long gone now, Satoru had effectively put the man down and he would not be getting back up. Though it killed you to no end that he got the easy way out. You almost wished that Satoru had kept the man alive.

You couldn’t stomach it as your back pressed into the cold wall of your bathroom, arms folded over your chest as you stared at nothing in particular. Eyes refusing to focus on anything of importance but making a point to avoid the developing test on the counter.

Suguru had left you a note, shortly after his final conversation with Satoru. You had returned to your dorm to see it on your bed and you recognized his handwriting before you even read your name on the envelope. You could still feel your hands trembling as you ripped the paper, flinching as it cut your skin, crumbling as tears dripped down your cheeks. You read it three times before finally comprehending the words, the paper littered with tear drops and your blood. Every word was written with care, you could hear his voice as your eyes passed over each sentence, see his face before you as if he was speaking.

It was an apology, his resolve and a goodbye all in one. Leaving you more empty than you had felt before. Still, it sat on your nightstand, you couldn’t throw it away. As if his sweaters weren’t still hanging in your closet, like the blanket he got you wasn’t still sitting on your bed. You held onto that letter like it was the last thing you had of him. Mourning him as if he had died, like he wasn’t still alive and breathing and walking around within the very city you were in now. You almost thought it would be easier if he had died. At least you’d feel some sort of closure, knowing he’s not coming back. But this, this was a form of torture for you.

To know that you could bump into him at a restaurant, or even pass him on a busy street. He wasn’t gone, if anything he was doing better than he ever was. Leaving you, Satoru, Shoko, and everyone else behind to pick up the shattered pieces. Still, you couldn’t hate him for that. No amount of anger would mend the torn pieces of your broken heart. You were fairly certain nothing would, the only cure was the one man you could no longer call your own. You’d spend the rest of your life with your heart ripped wide, an empty void filling the space.

You inhaled deeply, pushing off the bathroom wall and taking a hesitant step towards the counter. The test was upside down, you couldn’t see the small little window that would show you the results, for a moment you wanted to pick it up and throw it in the trash without even looking. There was nothing stopping you from doing so either, but you held back anyways. The only reason you were taking a pregnancy test in the first place was because your period was two weeks late. You could easily chalk it up to stress, but at the same time you knew all too well that you and Suguru often went without protection. Idiot.

Somehow, despite his inner battles, Suguru’s sex drive never slowed down. Maybe it was the craving for physical touch or maybe sex was a great way for him to forget about his issues for a while. Regardless, you had always been eager to oblige, even if it meant falling into his traps and luring your attention away from the real issue at hand. You had no idea how long it had been and if the damn thing was positive you were sure it would show up by now. So you picked it up and flipped it over in your hand, tired eyes scanning it. Your forehead creased for a moment, eyes squinting in frustration because you couldn’t tell if there was a second line or not.

If it’s positive, it's too early to tell. Your grip tightens around the small plastic test, anger flooding your heart as you chuck it in the trash can with such force it rattles as it hits the wall. Once again you are left with uncertainty. It seemed nobody could give you a straight answer anymore. Truth be told, you weren’t sure what you wanted that test to say. The thought of being pregnant with his child would have elated you two months ago. Now the thought made your insides twist and turn, for a moment you thought you were going to puke again. At the very same time, the idea of the test being negative felt like a rug being pulled out from under you.

As if you didn’t know that feeling well enough.

In a twisted way, you thought that being pregnant would bring him back to you. As if it would erase every heinous crime he had committed and bring the man you loved back into your arms. You were foolish, but not foolish enough to really believe in those daydreams. You hauled yourself out of your bathroom and back into your dorm room, falling into your disheveled bed with a soft thump. His t-shirt was hanging loosely on your body, it still smells faintly of him. It’s the only shirt of his that you’d been wearing, too afraid to lose his scent on the others.

It was still early enough for you to sleep for a few more hours before Shoko was knocking on your door and hauling you into the world. You hated it, but she assured you that you’d thank her for it in a couple months. You doubted it, and for some reason you felt like she did too.

Your sleep was dreamless, it had been since Suguru left you. You weren’t quite sure if you were thankful for that or not. Suguru was still the last thing you thought about before falling asleep and the first thing you thought of when you woke up. His absence consumed your every thought, impossible to ignore, unable to forget. There had been a few tough nights where you dragged yourself down the hall towards Satoru’s room. The man was usually still up, sitting on his bed with a book in hand that you could tell he wasn’t reading. Just an attempt at distraction.

He welcomes you without a word, scooting over a bit so you could sit beside him, head on his shoulder as he tosses the book to the floor. You remain like that until you fall asleep, no words spoken but nothing needed to be verbalized to understand you were both mourning the loss of a man who wasn’t even dead. In an odd way, you felt as if you were mourning Satoru as well. His smile, his jokes, the way his eyes seemed to sparkle, all of those things had dwindled. To his credit, he was managing to pull himself back together, at least better than you had been.

A harsh knock at your door signaled that Shoko was there. You hadn’t even realized that you fell asleep, but you felt even more groggy than you had a couple hours prior. “I’m up.” It’s hoarse and unconvincing but you hear Shoko utter a small “ok”. You know she’s still there, she always waits for you to get dressed and emerge from your room yourself. If you make her wait any longer than fifteen minutes she's usually barging in herself to pull you from your bed. Your body aches as you sit up, stumbling across the room to the bathroom because you need to pee yet again.

The air almost feels stale as you get your routine done in the bathroom, the test is still sitting in the small can beside your sink. It’s presence is heavy, to the point you question if you should take it out with you despite only having a couple tissues accompanying it. You decided against it when she knocked again. “Just getting dressed.” You mumbled softly, listening for her small “Hmph.” At least letting you know she heard you. Your uniform still felt foreign on your skin, it had for the last three weeks but you tried to ignore it. “About time.” Shoko smiled as you emerged, Satoru beside her. “Oh? You’re both here?” Your tone was questioning but not mad.

“Yeah, Yaga said we should take the day to be normal or something like that.” Satoru drawled, circular glasses sliding down his nose as he rolled his eyes. “Us? Normal?” You snorted, pulling your door shut as Shoko began walking down the hallway. “He just doesn’t know what to do with us at the moment.” Satoru offered in a low tone, Shoko would scold him for speaking like that, especially to you. The thing is, he wasn’t saying anything that you hadn’t already thought of yourself. “I don’t know what to do with us either.” You could assume Yaga was being vigilant, the guilt of not seeing what was happening with Suguru was weighing on him too.

The flick of Shoko’s lighter was heard as you stepped into the morning air, laughter bubbling in your chest as you looked at her. “It was killing you, wasn’t it.” Yaga had been cracking down on her bad habit, trying to limit her by saying no smoking in the dorms. “Just a little.” She teased back, inhaling deeply before blowing the gray smoke past her lips. “Shoko, gimme one.” Your eyebrow cocked as Satoru stuck his hand out. Her eyes met you for a moment before begrudgingly handing the lighter and pack to him. “New habit?” You commented softly, watching as he stuck a cylinder between his lips and held his hand up to block the flame from the wind.

Satoru shrugged, inhaling a bit before blowing out, moving to hand the pack to you. You hesitated, the test in your dorm trash can still lingering in the back of your mind. “I’m good.” You took them anyway, handing them to Shoko. Neither of them said anything but they shared a knowing glance, they couldn’t be mad at you for trying to quit a bad habit. “So where are we going?�� You didn’t like the prolonged silence as the two of them puffed away. “I didn’t think you’d want to go anywhere, but if you want we can go get breakfast.” Shoko’s eyes flickered over both you and Satoru, as if she was looking at two temperamental children.

“Breakfast sounds good.” Satoru offered, shoving one hand in his pocket while the other plucked the cig from his lips. “It does.” You added softly, stomach turning at the very thought of food but you couldn’t let them know that. You had lost your appetite shortly after he left, but you still forced yourself to eat at least one substantial meal a day. The nausea that had settled in your gut most days usually deterred you from anything else but plain rice and maybe some soup. Still, it was food and the only thing you could keep down at that. “Alright, I’ll call for a driver and we can go get something to eat.” Shoko pulled out her phone, clicking on a number she saved.

“You’ve been eating, right?” You jumped a little, eyes sliding over to Satoru. His tone was low, just low enough for only you to hear. “Yeah, I’ve been eating… you?” He looked the same, tall and lean with broad shoulders. Satoru nodded, pushing his glasses up to sit on the bridge of his nose. “The car will be at the gates for us in five minutes so let's get going.” Shoko started walking, like always you and Satoru followed behind her like ducklings. Satoru’s question still lingered in your mind, his ability to read your thoughts nearly rivaled Suguru.

You had to wonder just how much those six eyes of his could see.

The three of you clamored into the car, Satoru taking the passenger seat while you and Shoko took the back. You had no idea where you were going, not even when Shoko gave an address to the driver. It was somewhere in the city, you knew that much, but you trusted her judgment and prayed they would have something plain for your stomach. None of you spoke as the car barreled forward, your eyes glued to the surroundings zipping past you, as if you’d catch him walking down the street on a busy morning. You knew you’d always be looking for him, everywhere you went, your eyes would search for him.

You tore your eyes from the window, glancing at Satoru in the passenger seat. You couldn’t see his eyes, but his head was turned towards the window. If you had to guess, he was doing the very same thing. Looking for someone who would never appear. Unless you were Shoko of course, you still felt your throat tighten at the thought. You knew Suguru had chosen to reveal himself to her for a couple reasons. One being that she wasn’t nearly strong enough to take him down single handedly. The other being her easy going nature, he knew there would be little to no conflict or questions to answer with her. If roles were reversed, you’d do the same.

“Hello?” You blinked, looking at Shoko with parted lips. “You okay?” her head tilted, brown eyes lingering over your features. “I… yeah.” You swallowed, the car was still moving so you didn’t space out for that long. “What are you in the mood to eat?” She repeated the question she had asked seconds prior while you were clearly on another plane of existence. “Something plain.” You offered lamely, hands clasping together in your lap. “Plain?” Satoru questioned, eyes shifting to look at you through the rearview mirror. “My stomach has been sensitive. Plain foods are all I can really get down right now.” You shrunk into the seat.

Shoko hummed, eyes observing you intently now. You could almost hear her silently listing all of your physical symptoms, noting in her head the various things that could cause them. Most could be answered with heartbreak, but that didn’t typically make you sensitive to certain foods. Shoko and Satoru knew of Suguru's relationship with you. They knew you were serious about each other, that you often slept in the other’s dorm depending on the day. They knew you went on dates and bought each other gifts. They knew you had long since confessed your love to one another and were not strangers to holding hands when you thought nobody was looking.

It didn’t take a genius to figure out that the two of you slept together as well.

“Quiet.” You sunk your teeth into the side of your cheek, struggling to stifle your noises as Suguru’s fingers curled inside of your tight heat. “You don’t want them to hear us, right?” he cooed again, lips ghosting the shell of your ear as he pressed you harder into the empty desk, nearly pushing it into the wall of the classroom with the ferocity of his hunger.

You shook your head, not trusting your voice in that moment to make any coherent sounds. Your nails dug into his bicep, legs splayed hazardously over the sides of the desk as you used your free hand to brace yourself. Two fingers continued to plunge in and out of you, curling perfectly and sucking the air from your lungs as he found that one particular spot.

Suguru watched in fascination, dark eyes glazed over as they flickered between his hand and your face. Each draw back revealed the slick shine of your arousal on his digits, each push forward was accompanied by a squelch. It made his throat tight, arousal making him feel hot all over as he continued to fuck you with his fingers.

“Sugu…” You choked, face warming considerably as you realized how desperate you sounded. “Hmm?” a gentle hum, his fingers burying deep and massaging your walls until your thighs twitched. “I need you.” Your head fell back, hand leaving his bicep to slap over your mouth in an attempt to silence the cry that left you. “You…need me?”

Those words were jarring to him, as if a chain of firecrackers had been ignited under his skin. You nodded, helpless and at his mercy as you prayed Satoru and Shoko wouldn’t wander off to figure out where the two of you had gone. You couldn’t quite comprehend what happened next, the sudden retreat of his fingers left you feeling empty, clearing your foggy mind for a second.

They were quickly replaced with something else, something wet and soft. Your eyes widened considerably when you looked down to see Suguru on his knees, hands gripping the plush of your thighs with his face buried between. He would have given you more if it weren't for his damn pants, he was too impatient to struggle with the high waisted fashion choices he made.

You couldn’t think again, mind immediately fogging over as you focused solely on Suguru’s head between your legs. The flat of his tongue licking up your folds before delving further, bumping your clit with his nose and earning a strangled noise from you. You bit down on your fist now, not hard enough to draw blood but enough to silence yourself for a bit.

Suguru didn’t mind, if anything he wanted them to hear you. He wanted to see the shocked look on Satoru’s face when he realized what was happening. He couldn’t lie, this whole rendezvous had started because of an offhand comment Satoru made. One about how he was likely better at pleasing women than Suguru. You knew that's why you were in here too, you felt like you needed to thank Satoru for pushing Suguru to this point, whether that was his intention or not.

Heat continued to build in your gut, if you could trust yourself to stay balanced you would have let go of the desk and buried your hand in his hair. You wanted to tug the silky black locks from the confines of the bun he always kept them in, watch them cascade around his handsome face and turn messy because of your fingers. Then again, that may make it a little too obvious to your two awaiting friends. “Sugu…”

You gasped, hand flying from your mouth to grab the desk as you nearly lost your balance. Suguru had started to stand, knocking you back as his arms wrapped around your lower half in a bear hug. Suguru was standing at his full height now, your knees bent over his shoulders while only your mid-back and shoulders pressed into the desk. You could have melted into a puddle the moment his eyes met yours, his mouth still pressed firmly to your cunt.

“Suguru…” You choked again, hands moving to grip the sides of the desk for some kind of grounding. You could feel him smirk, eyes burning into yours as his tongue lavished you. It was all too much, too lewd, too risky. Your orgasm was building faster than you anticipated, the tingling arousal shooting down your spine and making your legs tense as he teased you. You came with a choked cry of his name, eyes squeezing shut as you rode out your orgasm.

“We’re here.” You blinked, eyes scanning your surroundings as Satoru got out of the car. “Are you sure you’re okay? We can get the food to go and head back to campus.” Shoko’s words were out of concern but her tone was still relaxed. “I’m alright, I could use some time in a busy space.” You lied, the quiet of your dorm room had never sounded so inviting. “Thank you.” You muttered softly to the driver, his small smile told you he was well aware of what was going on. Satoru was already by the front door of the cafe, putting out the butt of his cigarette on a nearby trash can before dropping it in. Shoko did the same, following after you as you entered.

Satoru’s looks tended to come in handy, his glasses sliding down his nose to show the startling blue of his eyes was all that was needed to get the three of you a seat and bypass the wait. “At least you’re good for something.” You teased him, watching him roll his eyes before smiling. “It’s my duty to get the two of you quick service and good food, even if I have to whore myself out.” For some reason, that had laughter bubbling in your chest, the genuine kind. “Such a noble sacrifice.” You laughed, the menu in your hand shaking as your shoulders bounced. You were too distracted to see the way Satoru’s shoulders seemed to sag in relief as he watched you, for a moment it was like nothing had changed.

If it weren't for the gaping, empty space in the booth beside him, he would have been convinced.

“What are you going to get, Shoko?” She was the only one actively looking over the menu. “I’m not sure yet, but they do have some options that would be easy on your stomach.” You weren’t sure why but it made your heart ache just a bit, she had been more concerned over your meal than her own. At the very same time, it made you feel small, like you were a bit of a nuisance for having stomach issues… or whatever they were… in the first place. “Oh, alright.” You focused on the menu, aware of their eyes on you as you tried to find something small but appealing. You settled on tamagoyaki and asked for it to be made on the salty side rather than sweet.

Shoko went for a traditional meal as well while Satoru ventured into their “western” cuisine. His choice sounded so sweet that the thought of it made your teeth hurt. “I don’t know how you do it, Satoru.” you sipped your tea slowly, letting the hot liquid slide down your throat and settle in your stomach. He only shrugged, smiling softly “I’ve yet to find something too sweet for me to handle.” Normally he would have added something flirty but he decided against it. Despite knowing you and Suguru were a couple, it never stopped Satoru’s flirtatious comments. It only bothered Suguru a little bit but he knew his best friend would never cross that kind of line.

“You may go into cardiac arrest before you meet your match, Satoru.” Shoko snorted, sipping her coffee as she took in the surroundings of the busy cafe. For a moment, you wondered if she was doing what you and Satoru had been subconsciously doing for the last three weeks. “I keep waiting for him to appear.” Your tone was just barely above a whisper, as if even bringing up his existence would cause the world to implode around you. “Me too.” Shoko spoke softly, eyes still looking anywhere but the two of you. Satoru kept quiet, face unusually somber as he sipped his coffee. “I think I’ll eventually go insane.”

You tried to sound lighthearted but the crack in your voice gave the opposite effect.

Satoru’s eyes flickered up at that, making your shoulders shrink into the booth. You had quickly come to learn that both of your friends were treating you like fragile porcelain. Though you partially felt the same when talking to them, especially Satoru. Despite the frequent and long nights with each other, little to no words were ever spoken. “I’m fine.” You tried, voice a little stronger than before. “We can talk about these things without falling apart.” It sounded like you were trying to convince yourself more than them. Before anyone could speak, the waiter was walking over with your food, effectively stopping any further discussion.

“Satoru…” You choked as the waiter walked away, eyes focused on the sugary, gooey concoction on the plate before him. “That’s your ticket to the ER.” Shoko was gawking at it too, a bite of food already halfway to her mouth. Satoru, on the other hand, looked like a kid on christmas morning, glasses sliding down his nose with a smile on his face. Your stomach grumbled as he cut into the pancakes, the feeling making you jump just a bit. You actually felt hungry, mouth watering as you looked down at your own plate and moved to take a bite.

Silence fell over the table as you all ate, within minutes half of your food was gone and you were quietly wishing you had ordered something a little bigger.

“You need a napkin.” You laughed softly, handing Satoru your spare napkin so he could wipe the syrup off of his cheek. “Thanks.” For some reason you couldn't help but think he looked like a little kid. For another reason you couldn’t quite explain, it made sadness sink into your shoulders. He should be here with the three of you, eating and laughing and bringing you the comfort you always looked for in him. Your hands shook as you moved to eat more, not willing to let the surge of emotion get rid of the appetite you rarely had nowadays.

As you finished your plate, you felt the bubbling wave of nausea build in your stomach. You inhaled slowly, trying to find a way to ease your worries and keep your food down. “Are you okay? You look a little green.” Shoko eyed you with concern, not even a second later Satoru was signaling the waiter for the check. “Y-yeah… told you my stomach was sensitive. That’s the most I've eaten at once in the last three weeks.” You couldn’t stand the embarrassment of making a scene or wasting money on the food you had just consumed. “I’ll be back.” You slipped out of the booth, your friend’s concerned eyes zeroing in on you as you disappeared for the bathroom.

Luckily for you the bathroom was empty, the fluorescent lights making you flinch as you stumbled to the sink and turned the water on cold. You leaned over it, hands and wrists submerged under the running stream, chest heaving with the effort to remain calm. You were desperate to keep the food down, so desperate you could feel sweat forming on your temple as you tried to focus on anything but the nausea. Suguru’s face flashed through your mind and for a moment you were convinced your knees would give out from under you.

“I told you to take it easy.” He huffs softly, fingers running through your hair as he rakes it away from your face. Carefully, he’s looping one of his elastics around your hair to keep it in place. Your head is still buried in the toilet, you had just finished throwing up for the third time in the last hour. “Are you still with me?” His hand is on your back now, rubbing slow but deliberate circles. Feebly you give him a thumbs up, throat burning from the sting of alcohol coming back up.

“You didn’t eat much today and then you went and got shit-faced with Shoko.” Suguru stated the obvious, trying not to scold you because he knew you weren’t doing good right now. “I don’t think you have anything else to puke up, do you want some water?” You lifted your head now, reaching for toilet paper to wipe your mouth. “Water sounds good.” Your voice was weaker than Suguru had expected it to sound, his heart aching a bit as he sat beside you on the bathroom floor.

“I’ll be right back, okay? Just yell if you get scared and I’ll be by your side before you know it.” You nodded, thanking him softly as he got up and disappeared out of your bathroom. You were only seventeen at the time, acting far older than you were and thinking you could get away with it. Now, you are facing the consequences of being naive. Typical for someone your age. Suguru had returned in under two minutes, handing you a glass of room temperature water. “It’ll be easier on your stomach at this temperature.” He chuckled as you grimaced.

He moved to grab a washcloth from your cabinet, turning the sink water on cold. “And this…” he wrung it out twice before turning off the water “will help focus your attention on something other than the nausea.” He placed the cloth on the back of your neck, watching your shoulders sag in relief as something finally cooled your clammy skin. “Thanks, Sugu.”

“Sugu… I’m scared.” Your voice was barely audible, tears burning your eyes as you squeezed them shut. Somehow it was working, your pain outshining the nausea as you tried to stop yourself from sobbing in the middle of the restroom. A year had passed since that moment in time, you were only eighteen now and yet you felt as if you had grown a decade. Yet, you were reduced to a scared and crying child because of nausea. Get it together. You forced yourself to straighten, hands slightly numb under the current of cold water.

You forced yourself to make eye contact with your reflection, observing how stark the dark circles were under your eyes. Shoko had been right, you did look a bit green, but it was fading steadily as everything subsided. You let your hands sit under the water for a minute longer before bending over the sink and splashing some on your face. The door to the restroom opened as you straightened again, Shoko was looking at you with worry. “Did you get sick?” you shook your head, turning the water off and reaching for the paper towels.

“Managed to fight it off… for now.”

“Satoru paid already, there is a convenient store a couple shops down. We can get you some nausea meds and a barf bag for the ride back… just in case.” You nodded, smiling a bit. “That would probably be a good idea.” you followed her out of the bathroom and through the restaurant, Satoru was standing on the sidewalk with a new cigarette between his lips. “Damn, you really did develop a new habit.” He only shrugged, inhaling deeply before blowing more out. “I’ll get over it at some point.” Knowing him and his will-power, he probably would.

“I’ll call for the driver, Satoru take her to the convenient store and I’ll catch up.” Satoru nodded, saluting her with a quick “yes ma’am” before grabbing your hand and dragging you along. You didn’t speak until Shoko was out of earshot. “Do you think it’s going to get better?” You appreciated the weight of his hand in yours, though you were certain he could feel how clammy it was. “I think it’ll get more bearable with time.” not better, but tolerable. The thought had your chest feeling heavy as you stepped inside of the small store.

“Nausea meds and barf bags.” Satoru chuckled, reading the signs above each aisle until he spotted one that seemed like a good start. “You’ll have to see a doctor if this doesn’t ease up… how long has it been going on anyways?” You shuffled behind him, arms crossing due to him letting them go a moment prior. “Shortly after he left, after I found the letter.” Only Satoru knew about the letter that had been left behind. How Suguru managed to get back onto campus and leave it in your dorm was beyond him. You had even let him read it, breaking his heart again.

“Shoko!” Satoru called, noticing her walk down the aisle before you could even turn your head. “I’m not good with this stuff, what should we get?” Satoru had already grabbed a box of blue cylindrical barf bags for you but the actual meds were basically foreign to him. “I’ll handle it from here, Satoru. You can wait in the car, he should be upfront by now.” Satoru’s brows furrowed, so did yours, but the look in Shoko’s eyes had him shrugging and handing the box to you. “Alright then, I’ll see ya out there.”

He whistled as he strolled by, your eyes narrowing on Shoko. “What’s this about?” you watched her shuffle through the shelves, picking up one and reading the box before setting it down and moving onto the next. “I don’t know what you mean.” She commented offhandedly, plucking another box and reading it before sighing. “This one should work.” She turned, handing it to you while motioning you to follow her down the aisle. You read it over, nothing out of the ordinary so you truly couldn’t figure out what made this one different from the others.

You stopped short when Shoko did, eyes scanning the aisle and feeling your stomach drop. “Shoko–” You sighed, she was standing in front of the pregnancy tests. “Listen, I know it’s probably the last thing you want to even think about but I think you should take one.” She was grabbing a box of the cheap tests, the same test that was still residing in the trash can of your bathroom. “Shoko, it's not necessary.” You couldn't bring yourself to tell her you already took one, for some reason you couldn’t tell her it was negative either.

“I’ll buy them, and you’ll keep them. If this nausea doesn’t subside in like two weeks, I’m forcing you to take them.” You felt your face burning, clutching the nausea meds tightly in your hands as you looked away from her. “Fine.” You sighed, head tilted at her shoes as you followed her up front to the register. Everything was placed neatly in a brown bag so nobody could see the contents. Once in the car, you popped open the barf bags just to keep one ready in the event your nausea returned full force. “I figured you would forget this.”

You looked up to see Satoru handing you a bottle of water, your lips parting in surprise. “You know me well, Satoru. I did forget.” you took it from him, grabbing the box of nausea meds and ripping them open. You took them and sighed, gulping down water when you realized how thirsty you had been. “If we have nothing else to do today, I think I’ll take a nap.” You were aching for your bed, more tired now than you had been after any missions. “Alright but we’ll wake you up for dinner if we don’t hear from you.” Shoko smiled, cracking the window to light a cig.

“It’s not even 11am yet.” you snorted. “Yeah but you can sleep like the dead when you really need it, if we don’t wake you, you’ll sleep straight through till tomorrow.” You opened your mouth to deny it, about to use your frequent bathroom breaks as an excuse but stopped yourself. Saying that would only confirm the very thing Shoko was suspicious of. “Alright, fine, whatever.” You resigned with a playful huff, arms crossing as you turned to look out the window. Luckily for you, you managed to make it through the ride without needing to use the bag.

“I’ll see you later.” You called after them, waving as you headed for the dorms. They both waved back, finding shade under a tree to enjoy more of the sunny morning. You felt your shoulders sagging with each step, your social battery diminished far faster now that Suguru wasn’t always by your side. You had almost grown a bit too dependent on him, thinking he would be a constant in your life. You inhaled shakily, the brown bag crumbling between your fingers as your emotions bubbled to the surface yet again. You couldn't seem to get yourself to your dorm fast enough, hot tears slipping down your cheeks as you shoved the key in the lock.

It came in heavy waves, making you feel weak as you could only succumb to the sadness festering in your chest. You dropped the bag by the door, kicking off your shoes and shouldering off your uniform jacket. Moving on autopilot, you drew your curtains shut and took off the rest of your clothing, sliding his shirt over your head until you were enveloped in his scent. You were gasping for air by the time your body hit the mattress, curling in on yourself as you sobbed. “I miss you.” You hiccuped, rubbing your eyes as if it would stop the tears.

God dammit, Suguru, why did you have to do this?

You buried your head in your pillow, trying to drown out your own feelings before sadness turned to anger and you ripped your whole room apart because of it.

“Stop wiggling so much.” His voice sounded like gravel, rumbling the back of your head as he spoke. “Can’t help it.” You retorted, trying your best to settle into a comfortable position. Suguru had you wrapped in a bear hug, his favorite form of affection, especially since he knew you couldn’t get out of his grasp. His arms were covered in thick muscles, something you initially didn't expect because his uniform and choice of baggy clothing typically hid them.

You could use all your strength and his grip wouldn’t falter.

“Why not?” he mumbled again, if you had to guess, his eyes were closed as he spoke. “Cause it’s warm, Sugu.” you were both laying on top of the covers, little to no clothing on because of the heat and the broken air conditioning that the school was still trying to fix. Nothing but an old fan swiveling side to side to create some sort of relief. Still, Suguru couldn’t sleep unless you were pressed flush to him, warm or not. “It’s not that bad.”

“Oh it absolutely is.” you immediately countered, turning your head back to try and look at him. “It could be way worse.” he tried again, fingers thrumming against your side. “Yeah, it could, but it could also be better. Like if you let me go for example.” You wiggled a bit, trying to create space before he pulled you tightly to him again. “Nice try, it’s not happening.” You groaned, going limp in his arms as he began to laugh. “I could totally make it worse for you.” He added softly, lips ghosting your ear. Despite the heat, you shivered.

“The weirdest things turn you on, Sugu.”

“Hey, it’s not nice to call yourself weird.”

You slapped his arm, earning another rumble of laughter as he moved to hover over you. “C’mon, if I make you sweat, it’ll make the breeze from the fan feel colder.” You rolled your eyes, studying his features as he looked down at you, hair framing his face and ghosting yours. “That’s counterproductive, you know.” Your hands were running up his biceps anyway, moving to wrap around his neck and pull him close to you. “Maybe it is, but you can’t say I’m wrong.”

His head was lowering, giving into your pull with no hesitation. “You’re right, I can’t say you’re wrong. But… I want to.” You smile, pulling him further until your lips melt together. He was radiating warmth, his teeth grazing your bottom lip to ask for entrance. Your lips parted, hands snaking up into his hair and tugging at the strands until he groaned. Suguru braced himself on one hand, making the mattress dip just by your head. The rest of his weight was settled on his knees, caging your hips in so you truly couldn’t get away from him. Not that you wanted too now.

You felt small beneath him, his bare skin radiating warmth as he used his free hand to push your shirt up. You could ignore the heat for the time being, more focused on the steady beating from between your thighs. “Sugu…” You parted with a gasp, watching him lean up and pull you with him, allowing him to drag your shirt over your head and toss it to the floor before pushing you down again. His lips didn’t return to yours, instead they moved to your neck, kissing along your pulse point until you were whining. “Quiet, baby, don’t forget we’re in my room.”

Satoru was asleep next door, that realization set in like ice water being dumped over your head. “Suguru.” You choked as his head dipped lower, licking along your collarbone before moving to one of your breasts. He wasn’t going to answer you, and you knew that for a fact by the way his lips curled into a smirk against your skin. “You’re evil.” You gasped, hand fisting his hair tightly as he scraped his teeth along your breast, nipping at the soft skin. Your other hand found its home on his shoulder, nails scratching lightly as his muscles flexed under your grasp.

You sunk your teeth into your cheek when his lips wrapped around your perked nipple, arousal making it pebble slightly as he sucked. Suguru’s tongue lavished your skin, flicking the bud until your back was arching into his touch. It wasn’t nearly enough, your breath coming out in short pants as you tried to pry him off and focus on your other breast. “These would look so pretty if they were full of milk.” You choked, eyes wide as he looked up at you through his lashes. “Don’t you think?” You couldn’t breathe for a moment, stunned into silence by his comment.

“C’mon baby, don’t act so shocked.” He cooed softly, the tip of his tongue trailing up your sternum. He didn’t stop until he reached your lips, kissing them softly before dipping his head again. His hand toyed with the breast he had just teased endlessly, brown eyes observing the rate of your breathing before lowering onto your other breast. He repeated the same motions, nipping and sucking the senstive skin until you were squirming from the wetness between your legs.

“You haven't answered me, sweetheart.”

“B-because I don’t know how to answer that, Sugu.” You knew exactly what he was implying, but you couldn’t form a coherent response for him. “You just have to tell me if you agree, it’s pretty simple.” He chuckled, pushing himself up to look down at you. Your hands fell to your sides, his neck just out of your reach. “Just think about it, pretty girl.” You watched him, completely entranced as he pulled his briefs down and his erection sprang free. “Because I’ve been thinking about it a lot.”

“You have?” You sat up a bit, fingers shakily pulling off your own underwear to save time. “I have.” He confirmed, cheeks turning a shade of red that you could see even in the moonlight. His hand slid along his length, spreading the precum drooling from his tip while his boxers rested at his mid-thigh. “Take those off, Sugu.” You smiled a bit, reaching for the waistband and pulling them taut before letting them snap back against his thigh. “So demanding.” He snorted, letting himself go to push the material off, tossing it to the floor just as you had done with your underwear.

“So are you, demanding an answer for something so…so…” you couldn’t find the right words, not when his eyes were on you, devouring you whole. “…so what? How does it make you feel?” He redirected, pumping himself leisurely as your thighs fell open for him, still supporting yourself on your elbows as you waited. “How does what make me feel?” A stupid question but you were still reeling from the initial statement. Suguru laughed, hand still gliding over his length as he sat on his knees.

“How does it feel knowing I think about getting you pregnant… all the fucking time.” You couldn’t deny the thought made you feel hot, hotter than you felt from the heat and arousal mixing. Like molten lava was running its way through your bloodstream. “F-feels fucking…” you squirmed a bit, legs moving to close involuntarily until his hand shot out and stopped them. “Go on, pretty girl. Tell me.” You sat up, glaring at him with warm cheeks. “How about you fuck me. Then, maybe, I’ll tell you how I feel about your little fantasies.” Suguru groaned, head falling forward for a moment.

“Sounds like a good deal to me.” He moved forward, pressing you back into the mattress as he pulled your thighs towards him. Your lips found his neck, sucking on it harshly as he ran the dull head of his cock between your slick folds. You let him move you however he pleased, your legs being pushed almost painfully to your chest as he pressed into you. You gasped in unison, his cock stretching you open easily despite no prep. “Shit…” his head fell forward again, nearly bumping yours as he bottomed out, no space left between the two of you.

Suguru stayed in place, eyes shut as he focused on the way your walls fluttered and squeezed around him, unable to stay still. Your nails dug into his scalp, pulling a groan from his lips as you tried to relax but couldn’t. He was big, bigger than any fling or partner you had in the past. No matter how easily your cunt accepted him, it still stung for the first few seconds. You had grown to love the deep ache, the weight of him inside you, the way his tip would brush your cervix depending on the position. Like now, with your legs pressed so tightly to your body.

“Can I move?” his voice was soft, eyes peering into your own once he gained his composure. “Y-yeah.” You breathed out, the feeling of his hands on your skin still sent shockwaves of arousal through you. Especially when his grip tightened, bracing himself on you as he drew his hips back half way before rolling into you again. You moaned, eyes squeezing shut as Suguru found his rhythm, hips meeting yours with a soft slap. “D-Don’t forget Satoru is…” You wailed softly, pleasure building quickly as he moved. “I know…”

But the smirk on his face told you he no longer cared, he’d gladly listen to his white-haired best friend bitch and moan in the morning about being woken up by you. Suguru’s rhythm only sped up, hips angling perfectly to brush along that one particular spot as he thrust into you, cock head brushing your cervix every few thrusts until your vision was blurring. The pleasure ebbing through your body was more than enough to block out how uncomfortable your current position was.

A wet squelch started to emit between your legs, loud enough to be heard over the drone of the fan as Suguru pounded into you. “So…” he started, voice strained as sweat dripped down his temple. “... can you tell me how it makes you feel now?” You blinked, awestruck that he was still hooked on getting an answer from you. “S-suguru…” you whined, head falling further into the pillows. “I’m not letting it go…ha… Tell me how it makes you feel.” he ground out, hips slowing just a bit. When you didn’t speak, he pressed more of his weight into you so one hand could break free.

You moaned, loud and unrestrained as his fingers ghosted across your swollen clit, the sudden contact making you see stars. “Tell me how it makes you feel.” he repeated, watching your face go slack as his fingers and hips worked in tandem. “Makes me hot…” You admitted with a heavy breath, eyes struggling to focus on him. “I want you to do it, Sugu… fuck me till I’m pregnant.” The look on his face had you shrinking further into the mattress, an almost animalistic look taking over his eyes as he stopped moving all together. “Say it again.”

“I want you to fuck me ‘til I’m pregnant, Suguru.”

You woke up in a sweat, gasping for air as you stumbled out of bed and barreled to the bathroom. You couldn’t stop the nausea this time, knees hitting the tile floor with bruising force as you heaved into the toilet. You hadn’t even remembered falling asleep, but your dream was enough to send you into a death spiral. Tears burned your eyes as the little bit of breakfast you hadn’t digested came back up. Luckily for you, you had slept long enough that your food from this morning wasn’t a total loss. Nothing more than bile was left as you finally calmed down.

You reached for toilet paper, wiping your tears and blowing your nose until you could at least breath without difficulty. Aching, you got up, flushing the toilet and washing your hands and face. You had no idea what time it was but you assumed it wasn’t late enough for dinner if Shoko never came to wake you up. At least that’s what you thought as you stumbled back into your dorm room slightly sweaty. That’s odd… The sun had begun to set just beyond your window, your eyes flickering to your alarm clock. 7:23pm stared back at you in big red numbers.

I slept for over eight hours? You looked for your phone, seeing the missed text from Shoko.

Shoko: I decided against waking you up, I figured you could use the sleep. Just text me when you’re awake and I can bring you dinner

You were partially grateful for her decision, your face still warm as your dream lingered in your mind. Dreaming of the past, how cliche. You sighed, sitting on the edge of your bed. You had woken up so suddenly, adrenaline blocking out the sleepiness at first. Now, your body seemed to thrum with a dull ache, the headrush coming back around to kick you while you were down. You reached over to turn on the small lap residing on your nightstand, eyes squinting for a moment as you adjusted. Your eyes focused on the brown bag from earlier, the one you discarded on your floor after coming back.

You knew there was water in there still, so you got up and grabbed it, looking at the bag contents in disdain. You emptied it on your desk, nausea meds, barf bags and the box of pregnancy tests. You studied then as you gulped down some of the water, easing the burn in your throat. The pregnancy tests Shoko had insisted on were identical to the one you took this morning. Weirdly enough you wished she had grabbed the more expensive digital ones. That way you wouldn't have to strain yourself trying to figure out if a second line was present or not.

“Fuck it.” you sighed, dropping the now empty water bottle in the small barrel you kept beside your desk. You still had one more test in the box from this morning, you’d take another one just because of the memories lingering on your mind. Your face felt warm as you recalled that particular night from a few months back. Suguru had been pretty adamant after that, fucking you raw and in ernest with every intention of knocking you up. You, stupidly, let him because you love him and loved the idea of having a family with him. “Idiot.”

You scolded yourself again, ripping the foil wrapper and tossing it in your trash with the now empty box. You went through the same process as you did that morning, peeing into a cup and dipping the absorbent end into it for ten seconds before capping it and discarding the rest of the contents. You forced yourself to leave the bathroom this time, convinced it would make time go by faster. The text Shoko had sent was still left unanswered, you couldn’t even bring yourself to feel hungry at that moment in time.

You’d text her in a little while though, or else she’d likely come breaking your door down thinking you had run away. Just then, your phone vibrated with the ringtone you had set for Satoru. You grabbed it, flipping it open to see what he had to say. On the screen there was a message from him, asking if you wanted to hang out on the rooftop to watch the stars later on. You smiled a bit, it was rare for Satoru to ask things so formally. You clicked out a message, telling him yes and that you could use some fresh air.

It took him no time at all to send a happy emoticon, one that had you rolling your eyes as you typed back that you’d meet him at his dorm when you were ready. You backed out of the chat, eyes lingering on a particular contact, your message to him was naturally left unanswered. You had given up texting Suguru’s number when the messages no longer got delivered. You figured he’d discard his phone, throw away any direct contact he had with the three of you. You snapped your phone shut a moment later, you’d text Shoko after you got dressed.

Opening your closet was still proving to be a bit difficult, especially as your fingers trailed over the material of the clothing Suguru had kept in your room. They smelt like the laundry detergent he used as well as his cologne, it took your breath away for a moment. You forced yourself away, grabbing some comfortable clothes that were actually yours before shutting the door. You didn’t think you’d ever be able to discard his clothing, despite knowing he wasn’t coming back to you.

You pulled his shirt over your head, grabbing your own and replacing it. You pulled on a pair of shorts after, rubbing your face with your hands as you looked at your appearance in the mirror. No amount of sleep seemed to help the dark circles under your eyes or the sickly look to your complexion. You could only hope Satoru was right, with time it would become more manageable. You glanced at your alarm clock, 7:48pm stared back at you now. The sky outside your window had turned indigo, the sun minutes away from being completely out of sight. The summer was coming to an end, filling your chest with melancholy.

You couldn’t stand being alone in that moment, grabbing your phone and shoving it in your pocket as you made a beeline for your door. You made your way down the hall, remembering as you passed Shoko’s dorm that you needed to text her. Stopping in your tracks, you figured it would just be easier to see her in person. “Shoko?” you called, fingers tapping the door softly because she hated when people knocked too loud. “Coming.” You heard her rustling around her room before the door opened, a half smoked cigarette hanging from her lips.

“Thought Yaga told you no smoking inside.”

“What he doesn’t know won’t kill him, and my window is open.”

You smiled, “I’m hanging out with Satoru on the roof if you wanna join us.” Shoko exhaled, puffing just a bit of smoke in your direction. “I’d love to but I spent the whole afternoon with him ‘cause you were sleeping.” You sighed, rubbing the back of your neck “my bad.” but Shoko was waving you off. “Don’t apologize, you need sleep… I’ll trust Satoru to feed you if you’re hungry.” She smiled as you rolled your eyes “Alright alright, enjoy the rest of your bad habit and I’ll take Satoru duty.” The look in Shoko’s eyes made your smile falter for just a moment.

They looked oddly wistful, but it vanished just as quickly as your smile faltered. “Aye aye captain.” Shoko started to shut the door as you turned to leave, watching you go for just a moment before shutting it completely. “Satoru.” You drawled, banging on his door so you could be heard over the music he was playing. “Oi, keep it down!” the door swung open a moment later, a cheeky grin on his face as he looked at you. “Ready to go?” He looked cozy in an oversized black hoodie and sweats, sunglasses resting on top of his head.

“Sure am.” you returned his smile, the ache in your chest easing just a bit. It was more bearable when you had someone who understood the pain you felt deeper than surface level. You watched him turn, shutting off his music and the lights before stepping into the hallway. “Are we going to take the normal way or are you going to test out your blue?” Satoru’s eyes seemed to sparkle as you suggested he use his curse technique. “If you insist on blue…” You couldn’t even make a sound as his arm wrapped around your waist, hauling you off of your feet.

In the blink of an eye, you were exposed to the cooling night air. “Damn.” You laughed as he set you down, shuffling over to the small lock box you kept up here with spare blankets and, as Shoko claimed, “necessities”...Which were just two cartons of emergency cigarettes. “Didn’t disorient you, right?” Satoru was standing on the edge, observing the glow of the city in the distance. “Not even a little, you’ve improved a lot, Satoru.” your back was turned to him, so you missed the way his eyes widened slightly, cheeks turning pink.

“Thanks”

You turned back to him, blankets in hand. “So…” You walked over to where he was standing, taking a seat just before the edge and letting your legs dangle off. “...So?” Satoru looked down at you, watching you settle. “Why did you want to come up here… I’d love to gaze at the stars but it’s not like we’ll actually see any with all the light pollution.” Satoru sighed, dropping down to squat beside you. “I guess I just wanted your company… ya know since you’re probably the only other person that understands this.” his tone was awkward, it wasn’t often that you were sentimental… or serious for that matter… with each other.

“Your welcome to have my company any time, Satoru. I don’t know what I’d do if I didn’t have you.” It was so heartfelt it made you feel strange. “Sorry.” You added, a bit meeker than before when he stiffened a bit. “Don’t be sorry, just not used to being so… serious with you.” He sat fully now, shoulder brushing yours as a silent invitation for you to rest your head. You did, just as you always had, watching the lights of the city a few miles away. “It’s strange, isn’t it?” You spoke in a gentle tone, hoping he knew what you meant.

“It is. Knowing he’s there, that he’s okay… while we’re sitting here sulking like idiots.” There was a small bite to his tone as he finished, one that quickly left when he exhaled. “It pisses me off.” It made you upset too, anger bubbling in the back of your mind like a pot of boiling water that was going to overflow at any second. “It pisses me off too, because I truly can’t understand it. I’ve killed myself over the last three weeks trying to understand, to make sense of it. I can’t and I don’t think I ever will. But it’s not my place to reason with it, you know?”

Satoru was silent, waiting for you to continue. “It’s not my life, it’s his. I tried for months to get it out of him, I tried so goddamn hard to get him to open up and he never did. Always redirecting, always avoiding.” You sounded defeated by the end, blinking away the tears that blurred your vision so you could regain composure. “Why didn’t you come to me?” Satoru questioned softly, letting your words sink in like an anchor.

“He gave you so many signs, Satoru. If you couldn’t see them, it wasn’t my place to assist.”

Satoru felt like that should have made him angry, but it didn’t. Mostly because you were right, it had been obvious from the start but he had naively pushed them to the side, pretending it wasn’t true. He was just as much at fault, if anything he was willing to shoulder all of the blame. Because at least you tried. He couldn’t say the same, and he knew that far too well. “Suguru made up his mind the moment he entered that village. There is no stopping a man who is set in their resolve. You said it yourself, Satoru. He looked healthier, happier, content.”

Satoru took in a shaky breath, leaning into you just as you leaned into him. “I just don’t get why he needed to kill his parents.” Your eyes closed, that was the thought weighing heaviest on your mind. “He needed to prove to himself that he was doing the right thing. That nobody, not even his parents, were an exception to his newfound ideology.” It killed you to say it, especially since you had met his parents last winter break. They were kind, at least his mother was. His father was a bit colder but there was still an undeniable love for his son. They had welcomed you so openly, they were proud of the son they had raised.

Now they were gone, nobody but Suguru was to blame.

“In a fucked up way, I don’t care that he killed those people.” The words felt bitter on your tongue, but his letter flashed through your mind and for a moment you understood him. Those two little girls, beaten and caged, scared and facing death for things they never did. Hell, had you gone on the mission with him, you may have encouraged his choices. That realization felt weird as it settled in your gut. “I… I don’t really care either.” Satoru admitted softly, thinking back over the last year, thinking about Amanai. He had been seconds away from doing the same thing.

But Suguru had been his voice of reason, stopping him with a simple command. It should have been obvious then, that Suguru’s life was completely altered from that moment forward. “It was so obvious.” He hissed softly, head falling forward just a bit as anger squeezed his heart. “There is nothing we can do now, Satoru. Nothing we can do will reverse the damage that has been done.” You wished you could believe your own words, part of you wanted to catch a train into the city and barrel into that religious group he took over.

You weren’t even sure what you’d do if you did. Hit him, yell at him? Crumple into his arms like the sucker you were. Maybe a mix of all three, no, it would definitely be a mix of all three. You couldn’t help but wonder how he would react if he saw you again. He made it clear in his letter that he loved you, he still loved you, he would always love you. If you made the choice to leave, would he welcome you in with open arms. Or was he resenting you already for not doing so sooner. Was he waiting for you? Or was it nothing more than sweet-talk.

“You’re not breathing.” Satoru muttered softly, tilting his head just a bit to look down at you. “Oh…” You inhaled deeply, laughing a bit as you exhaled “got lost in thought.” You felt Satoru relax again, head resting against yours. “I get it.” You fell into a comfortable silence, watching as the sky steadily turned from a deep blue to pitch black. There, if you squint hard enough, you could make out a couple of sparkling stars.

You knew if you asked, Satoru could probably whisk you somewhere far away. Somewhere clear so you could actually see the stars with no obstructions.

Yet you were too comfortable, too warm.

Sitting where you were now was more than enough for the time being. That feeling of content actually took the air from your lungs for a moment, blinking steadily as you took in your surroundings. There was a fleeting moment where your heart felt light, that aching heaviness that had been plaguing it for the last three weeks wasn’t present. You wondered quietly if Satoru felt it too. Given the way his body seemed completely relaxed into yours, you assumed he did.

You were stumbling down the hall like a drunkard. Your mind felt numb as you moved, head tilted down and expression blank. If anyone were to cross your path at that given moment, they probably would have been unsettled by the sight of you. A zombie moving on autopilot, your brain moving so quickly that it had reduced everything to a quiet, droning buzz.

Murder. 112 people. His parents too. He’s gone. He snapped. He’s a murderer. Suguru is gone.

Nothing made sense, not a single bit of the information you had received made any sense. The fact that Suguru wasn’t answering your frequent texts wasn't making sense. The fact that you had woken up to an empty bed wasn’t making sense. The fact that people were telling you Suguru, your Suguru, had taken over a hundred lives in the span of one night wasn’t making any fucking sense.

Your knees nearly gave out the moment your hand met the wood of your door, pushing it open so quickly it slammed into the wall with a loud thud before coming back at you. Not that you cared, at that moment you could be set on fire and you wouldn’t blink an eye.

You stood in the middle of your dorm room, eyes scanning the room as if it were something foreign. Nothing was making sense, not even your bed looked like your own. It was the pressure cracking down on you already, sinking its claws into your shoulders and forcing you to your knees as the weight of your new reality hit you like a freight train. You couldn’t even bring yourself to cry in that moment, too shell shocked over the report Yaga had read to you and Satoru.

Satoru.

You had stumbled away shortly after the report was finished, barely registering the way he had started to yell. You hadn’t looked back, but it wasn’t like either of them tried to stop you. Despite having just stumbled away from him, you found yourself moving to leave and find him again. At least you would have if your knees didn’t give out on you. You gasped, more out of surprise than pain as your legs made contact with the wooden floor. You sat there for a moment, arms feeling equally as weak as you pushed yourself into a sitting position.

You felt your chest tighten, every breath felt strangled as you tried to inhale. A cold sweat seemed to cover your skin, fingers shaking slightly as you pushed your hair from your face. You couldn’t move, completely paralyzed by shock. It felt like your heart was shattering, every shaky inhale deepening the wound. Still, your tears would not come. Not even as black spots began to obstruct your vision, chest heaving as you began to hyperventilate.

Despite your body vibrating in distress, you felt a nearly silent calm. Like someone had flicked off the switch and stole your ability to hear.

Nothing and everything all at once.

“Hey? Y/N wake up…” You jumped a bit, hand coming up to touch the wetness on your cheeks. “You were crying in your sleep.” Satoru muttered softly, hand smoothing over your hair as he cradled you. “I-I was?” You didn’t even realize the change in position or the change in scenery. You were no longer sitting by the roof’s edge, instead you were sitting in Satoru’s lap, his arms holding you tightly as he looked at you with worry.

“You were.” he confirmed, letting you go just as you woke up fully. “Sorry for worrying you, I was just thinking about him… it’s so strange. I’ve been having such intense dreams of the past… I've had dreamless sleep for the last three weeks… so why now?” Satoru sighed, watching you get up to stand and stretch your limbs. “I don’t know. I’ve been having odd dreams about him but I don’t really remember how most of them go by the time I wake up.”

“It’s the universe’s way of torturing us… as if we haven’t been tortured enough. Wait, how long have I been asleep?” The temperature had dropped significantly, the moon was shining high in the sky now. “About an hour or so, I was actually going to bring you back inside but you started to cry and… well here we are now.” Satoru got up, stretching dramatically as you sighed. “You’d think after sleeping for eight hours I wouldn't be tired.”

You walked to the edge of the roof again, feet pressing firmly to the ledge as you looked down. “Being depressed will suck the soul out of you.” For some reason you couldn’t help but laugh. “You seem pretty wide awake, Satoru.” He joined you on the ledge, pushing you a bit to the side. Your training gave you quick reflexes so you didn’t flinch when he did it. “Oh please, you know I’m right.” You glanced at him, laughing softly.

“You are, but so am I. We can be depressed morons together.” His voice was dripping with sarcasm, earning another laugh as you punched his shoulder. “Touche, Gojo”

“Yuck, never call me that again.” His face had morphed into a scowl as you used his last name. He never liked hearing you call him anything other than Satoru. “Fine.” you crossed your arms over your chest, inhaling the cool air. “I think I’m gonna go shower and maybe make something small for dinner… Just so Shoko doesn’t string the two of us up on a lamppost.” Satoru nodded, watching you step off the ledge and move about the roof to put the blankets away.

“I’ll accompany you.” he jumped down, trailing behind you as you moved to open the door that would bring you downstairs. “In the shower? I’m flattered but–” the way his eyes rolled were enough to stop you mid-sentence. “Joking, Satoru.” he sighed out an “I know” closing the distance to haul you up. “Using the stairs is boring.” Within the blink of an eye, you were back inside and standing in front of your dorm room.

“Text me when you’re done showering and we can go get food.”

You nodded, one of the perks of attending school in Tokyo was the fact that the city never slept. You could go find a place to eat at three in the morning and they’d still serve you hot food. Your body sagged against the door of your dorm after shutting it. Flicking on the lights lit the room in a warm, golden glow. For the last three years you considered your room a sanctuary, it was your happy place after a long day of training. Now, it feels oddly cold.

You walked over to your dresser, pulling the top drawer open to grab a fresh pair of underwear and pajamas for after. You tossed them on your bed, reaching down for your bottom drawer to grab a particular towel you liked. It didn’t take you long to put your hair up, not in the mood to wash it just yet, and head to the bathroom. You squinted a bit as the nearly white fluorescent lights filled the room, if you had your way you’d change them to something softer.

It took all of five seconds for your world to come crashing down around you again, eyes zeroing in on the pregnancy test sitting on your counter. I fucking forgot about it…

You set your towel down on the counter, holding your breath as you took the step and reached for the test. You gave yourself no time to prepare, eyes scanning the results once before it hit you like a ton of bricks. You dropped it, letting it clatter on the porcelain counter as a jagged sob ruptured from your chest. Your hand came up to cover your mouth, the other resting on your chest, your heart thumping so wildly you were certain it would burst.

There, on the test, were two lines. It was positive.

You nearly fell forward, dropping down to the trash can beside your sink and rummaging through it without hesitation. Your fingers wrapped around the plastic test from this morning, yanking it up and looking at the results again. There, on the initial test from that morning, were two lines. You didn’t drop it this time, eyes staring at the results as if they’d change. Positive, this whole time it had been positive. You just hadn’t let the first test develop long enough.

“When… How…” You uttered softly, the logical part of your brain screaming at you to be realistic for a second rather than acting so surprised. The irrational side of your brain was still reeling from the revelation. As if Suguru hadn’t been adamant in trying to knock you up for months. “You fucking bastard… you get your way and leave me with the aftermath.” You were struggling, there was no way you’d be able to pinpoint when it happened until you found out how far along you were. For some reason, that was what made reality really set in.

Hot tears streaked your face, sobbing so harshly that it felt like your lungs would collapse on you. You moved in a blur, legs carrying you out of your dorm and down the hall until you were pushing open Satoru’s door. “Woah there, sounds like someone’s hun…” He looked up, the teasing tone in his voice dropping immediately when he saw the tears streaming down your face. “What the fuck happened? Are you hurt?” Satoru crossed the room in two long strides, hands cupping your face as your lips wobbled.

You couldn’t get the words out, crying harder as he ran his hands over you searching for some type of wound. “C’mon, what happened?” His tone had more of a bite to it than he intended but you were causing panic to seep through his veins. You couldn’t breathe, legs nearly buckling under the weight of your reality. Satoru seemed to catch this, hands shooting out to support you as he brought both of you to the floor. “Y/N, please.” he urged you, throat feeling tight.

You shook your head, still sobbing as you raised your hand meekly, the positive pregnancy test out in the open for him to see. Blue eyes widened significantly when he saw it, he didn’t even need to see the two lines to understand why you were so hysterical. “Oh…oh.” he swallowed, hand shakily taking the test from your hand to look at it. “Oh fuck.” it was just barely above a whisper, arm holding you just a little tighter as you cried into his chest.

At least part of you was aware of the possibility, Satoru on the other hand felt completely blindsided. “You two didn’t use protection?” He uttered softly, rocking you slightly without thinking as your cries continued, you couldn’t think at that moment, unable to calm yourself down. You managed to shake your head in response, unable to feel embarrassed as you admitted to not using condoms when with Suguru. “Fuck… did you ever use protection with him?”

He knew the answer, of course he fucking knew the answer. Suguru was utterly obsessed with you, so in love it was nearly nauseating. You shook your head again, confirming that you’d never once used protection with him. “Hey… c’mon…” he started softly when your body shook with the force of your cries but you were no longer making any sounds. He wanted to say it would be alright but he wasn’t sure if it would be.

That answer relied on you.

He couldn’t expect you to be alright, you had your heart broken three weeks prior by the man who often talked about proposing to you as soon as you all graduated. If those were the kind of conversations Suguru was having with him, he couldn’t imagine the conversations Suguru had been having with you. Well, that was a bit of a lie. Considering your reaction to the test results, it seemed this was a long sought after goal. Your cries were from heartbreak, not fear.

“I’ve been looking at rings.” Satoru glanced up, noodles dangling half way from his lips. “Hah?” He watched Suguru grimace a bit, some broth splattering as Satoru questioned him. “I’ve been looking at rings for Y/N.” Suguru stated again, a little more cautiously now, watching Satoru slurp the rest of the noodles into his mouth. “Suguru, we haven’t even entered our third year.”

“I know, but…” he shrugged, unable to formulate the right way to say it. “...But? You’re not even eighteen yet, neither is she.” It wasn’t that Satoru didn’t think it was okay, he just figured you were both way too young to even fathom those things. “I don’t intend on proposing to her until we’ve graduated. Listen I know it seems fast but…” Suguru's hands fidgeted with his utensils for a moment, eyes avoiding Satoru until he was ready.

“I love her, Satoru. I didn’t even think it was possible to love someone as much as I love her.”

Satoru blinked, a bit taken back by such a bold declaration over a bowl of cheap ramen. “I’m not doubting that you love her, Suguru. I just think it’s a bit crazy to think about these things so young.” Suguru sighed, watching Satoru with weary eyes as he moved to eat more noodles.

“We’re sourcers, Satoru. A long life isn’t guaranteed.”

“Breathe, please. You’re going to pass out.” Satoru’s hand was slapping your back as you coughed, the tears had finally begun to slow but you still weren’t able to form a coherent sentence. “Please…” he tried again, watching you try your best to take a deep breath. It was followed by another, this time it wasn’t superficial. After a couple more, you were able to rub the tears from your eyes and look at him without blurry vision.

“S-satoru I’m so so-sorry.” you hiccuped, your throat feeling raw from your crying. “You have nothing to apologize for, stop feeling like you have to apologize for everything you do.” he let you go a bit, motioning for you to get up with him and sit on his bed rather than the floor. He watched you crawl under his covers, curling up against his pillows, sniffling softly. Despite the weight of the conversation you were about to have, Satoru couldn’t help but chuckle.

He crawled onto his bed as well, sitting beside you but above the covers. “So… I guess the best place to start is… how did this happen. By that I mean, was it intentional?” You sighed, toying with the end of his pillow case as you spoke. “Suguru had been trying to get me pregnant for months now.” You felt warmth flood your cheeks, it felt awkward admitting something like that. “I knew the bastard had a breeding kink.” Satoru said it more to himself than you, but that didn’t stop the shrill yell of his name as you slapped his arm.

“I’m being honest! He just seemed like the type.” Satoru shrugged, holding back laughter as you rolled your eyes and settled back into sulking. “I shouldn’t be so blindsided by this, but it’s fucking ironic that he got what he wanted after he fucking left me… us.” you corrected softly, feeling selfish for being so focused on yourself when Satoru was hurting too. “The universe knows how to play cruel jokes, I’ve thought that my whole life. But, that’s beside the point. We can’t sit here and sulk over it, we need to talk about what to do next.”

You looked up at Satoru, eyes red from crying. It hurt his heart, you looked like a kicked puppy. In that moment he realized how heavily he relied on Suguru, because even now he found himself itching to grab his phone and call him for advice. What was worse, you were now looking to him for help, when really he was just as scared as you. “The next logical step is I need to find a doctor who can run a blood test and confirm the store bought tests are accurate. After that, they need to tell me how far along I am so I can pinpoint when this happened.”

Satoru nodded, you’d both have to fill in Shoko in the morning, she’d be able to help with all the medical bits. “I… I know this seems a bit invasive so please don’t take offense… but are you going to keep it?” Satoru fidgeted a bit, eyes watching as you seemed to zone out and think. Your initial answer was yes, of course, but were you really capable of raising a baby on your own? Then again, you didn’t think you could stomach giving them away for adoption, and you certainly didn’t want to get rid of them. Not after you chased this goal for months, regardless of the way things were right now. “Yeah, as terrifying as it is, I want this baby, Satoru.”

“Okay, so we got two of the biggest things out of the way. Now, the hardest…” you huffed as he trailed off, you weren’t entirely sure you were ready to answer the next question. “What do we do about Suguru, that’s what you’re going to say, right?” It was Satoru’s turn to huff now, nodding as he looked away from you to stare at his hands.

“He… he needs to know.”

“No the fuck he doesn’t.”

You both stared at each other, completely scandalized by the other’s response. “Satoru… He needs to know… he…he’s the fucking dad? How am I supposed to jus–” Satoru shook his head, hands coming up to rub his face before letting them fall back to his lap. “Suguru is a fucking criminal now, he murdered people. Hundreds of people I should fucking remind you and you just want to waltz back into his fucking life and tell him that shit?” You sat up now, eyes burning holes into his skull as you waited for him to at least look at you. “Do you hear yourself?”

You were seething, that same anger you held for Suguru leaving was now bubbling at Satoru for uttering his name like it was pure filth. Satoru stiffened, eyes turning to glare at you. But, every ounce of anger seemed to drain from his body when he saw nothing but hurt glowing in your tired and puffy eyes. “I fucking get it, Satoru. I know what Suguru did but fuck, how am I supposed to just get over him? How am I supposed to carry his child for nine months and push it out of my body just to raise it on my fucking own and never tell him? He’s the one that wanted this in the first place!” Tears glossed your eyes over, hands shaking as they fisted in his sheets.

His mouth opened before closing again, eyes looking away from you because he knew he'd never be able to try and talk sense into you when you looked at him like that. “And what if the child is unable to see curses?” he sounded defeated. “What then, Y/N? What if you give birth to this baby and they lack the ability to see them? That baby would be the very thing Suguru hates.” You froze, it felt like someone had poured ice water down the back of your neck. “If he didn’t spare his own parents, he won’t spare his own child.” Satoru swallowed, looking like he wanted to say so much more but didn’t. He let the words hang there, heavy and dark.

The silence stretched on between the two of you, mostly because you knew he was right. Just because both parents had the ability to see into the curse world and use curse energy, it didn’t guarantee that their offspring would also carry the same blessing. You blinked, hand subconsciously moving to rest over your stomach, as if it would do anything to protect them. “Suguru he… he wouldn’t…” Your words were weak and at that moment Satoru couldn’t bring himself to really fight with you. “But he would, y/n that’s the fucking issue, he would.” his voice was breaking, unsure if he should say what he wanted to say next.

“Then what am I going to do?” You were going to dissolve, tears burning your eyes again as the harsh reality began to sink in. “Let me help you, let me help you raise the baby. I can easily provide for the two of you.” He turned to look at you now, eyes burning with such intensity it stole the air from your lungs. “What?” you hadn’t meant for it to sound offended, you were shocked to say the least, but still the hurt that flashed through his features made you feel the urge to reach out and hug him. “Satoru I didn’t mean for it to come out so harsh…” You moved forward, arms wrapping tightly around his neck and hugging him.

It took a second but his arms came up to wrap around your middle, holding you tightly. “It’s okay, it was a bold statement to make so suddenly.” he soothed you when really you felt that you should be the one soothing him. “No it’s fine, really it just caught me by surprise and…” you hugged him a little tighter, burying your face in his neck. For a moment you nearly stiffened, that was something you usually did to seek comfort from Suguru. In that moment, you couldn’t bring yourself to pull away, finding comfort in Satoru’s reassuring embrace. “You don’t have to answer me tonight.” He hushed you, hand coming up to smooth your hair as he kept you close. “I doubt you have an appetite now, how about we just sleep?”

“I still need to shower.” You pulled away, laughing softly when you remembered what you had been in the process of doing before your world flipped. “Okay, then go and shower but please come back to me when you’re done.” His tone was quiet, something in it held no room for you to disagree. So, you let go of him reluctantly, nodding as you crawled over him to stand. “Again, you don’t have to answer me tonight, or tomorrow, or even next week. But please, think about what I said.” He stayed on his bed, watching you shakily grab the pregnancy test before heading for his door. “I will, Satoru. Keep my spot warm.” you smiled at him over your shoulder, heart still heavy as you disappeared through the open door.

The hot water on your skin wasn’t enough to wash away the dread growing in your chest. You found your hands absentmindedly running along your abdomen, still finding it hard to believe something was there, something that would grow into a living breathing human in a few months time. A mix of you and Suguru, how strange. This wasn’t how you imagined it would happen, nor were these the feelings you expected to experience when the time came. If anything, it made you more upset. You should be happy, you should be fucking estatic. You should be basking in the euphoric state of knowing you’d be having a child with the man you adored.

Instead, you had sobbed in the arms of his best friend, completely hysterical. And the man you loved had no idea you were even pregnant, that the very thing he wanted had been achieved and he wouldn’t even get to know. At least not yet. You had taken Satoru’s words into consideration, of course you did. But in the back of your mind, you knew there was no way you’d be able to go on with your life without ever telling Suguru. He would know, he would know of his child, you were already set on that. You twisted the knob, the water turning off a second later as you got out and dried yourself off a bit before wrapping the towel around you.

Your body was aching from the events of the last few hours. Returning to Satoru’s room and sleeping in his warm bed sounded like heaven to you. Sleeping next to someone again felt like heaven to you. You had to wonder what Suguru would think if he knew you were sharing his best friend’s bed – albeit nothing sexual was occuring between the two of you. And even then, Suguru had broken up with you in that letter, you were technically no longer his. The thought made you feel sick as you reached for the clothing you had laid on your bed. You pulled the shorts on first, reaching for the oversized shirt second, trying to ignore the nausea building in your gut.

You moved around your room without thinking, flicking the lights off before heading out the door and back down the hall. Satoru had changed into his own pajamas, hair damp from the shower he must have taken while you went to take yours. He only had his bedside lamp on, the pace beside him vacant and waiting for you. “Are you sure you don’t want food?” he questioned softly as you shut the door behind you. “I’ll eat a good breakfast if my morning sickness allows.” Those words felt foreign, referring to your nausea as morning sickness felt so bizarre. “Alright but if you wake up in the middle of the night starving don’t hesitate to wake me up.”

You laughed softly, huffing out an “okay” as you crawled over him and under the covers once more. Satoru pulled the blankets up over both of you before reaching over and flicking off the light. “Goodnight.” he spoke softly, settling into his bed as you rolled onto your side to get comfortable. “Night, Satoru.” You whispered back, eyes already feeling heavy, the comfort his bed offered was no match for the gnawing reality you were facing. For now, you were thankful for it.

“Think fast!” You laughed, hurtling one of the poles directly in Satoru’s direction. He turned, using infinity to block it just before it hit his face. “Nice! Your reflexes are getting faster.” You picked up another weapon, Suguru was watching you intently, an easy smile on his face. “Sugu!” You called, aiming to throw another pole. “Think fast.” you repeated, arm going back before using every ounce of strength to beeline it straight at him. Suguru smiled, summoning a curse easily to deflect it. “Not bad.” you winked, watching him roll his eyes as the curse disappeared.

“Y’all are gross.” Satoru drawled, pushing his glasses up his nose. “We didn’t even say anything?” Suguru countered, stepping out of the shade and into the sun. “You don’t need to say anything, the tension is almost unbearable.” Shoko chimed, twirling her lighter around her fingers as she watched the three of you. This time you couldn’t help but laugh, letting Suguru close the distance and wrap an arm around your waist. “See, gross!” Satoru sighed dramatically as you kissed Suguru’s cheek. “It’s called being in love, something you wouldn’t get, Satoru.” You stuck your tongue out at him, laughing as he rolled his eyes.

“Well if you’re gonna be all gross and lovey with one another, go do it in private.”

“Okay.”

You and Suguru spoke in unison, a shrill laugh leaving you as he bent down and hauled you up and over his shoulder. Naturally Shoko faked a gagging noise, watching as he carried you away with a smile. “They’re so gross.” Satoru commented again, eyes following the two of you until you were completely out of sight. Though, he couldn't deny the small smile tugging at his lips.

“Suguru.” you slapped his back lightly, he was still carrying you over his shoulder even after entering the dorm buildings. “Hmm?” he paid you no mind as he climbed the stairs, his end destination would be your dorm room… more specifically your bed. “You can put me down now.” You knew he wouldn’t, so you opted for running your hands along his back, feeling his steps falter for a moment before composing himself. “I’ll put you down when I’m good and ready.”

You rolled your eyes, playfully swatting at his ass. “Alright, that's it. You’re getting punished.” His words were very matter-of-fact, so much so that you couldn’t help but burst out laughing. “Okay dad.” Suguru didn’t miss a beat, stalking down the hallway towards your dorm room. “Yeah, I’m trying to become one so it would help me out if you cooperated.” You made a strangled noise, it had been three weeks since Suguru admitted to wanting to get you pregnant. Needless to say, he wasn’t giving up any time soon.

“You just want a reason to fuck me.” You tried to counter, jumping a bit as he pushed into your dorm room and kicked the door closed behind him. “I don’t need a reason to fuck you, baby.” You couldn't describe the noise you made, whiplash taking over as he tossed you onto your bed. “I guess that’s true…” You pushed up on your elbows, watching him pull his white shirt up and over his head, knocking his hair out of his bun in the process. “You’ll be good for me right?” He was dropping to his knees before you, a gentle plea of his name leaving your lips.

“Atta girl.” he murmured, warm fingers hooking in the waistband of your shorts and pulling them down. You watched him with parted lips, watching the way his eyes observed you. “Already wet? How fucking filthy.” his hands splayed along your thighs, pushing them wide open so he could really look at you. “Just because I picked you up? Or maybe it was from wrapping my arms around your waist?” He teased, pulling one hand from your thigh to spread your cunt open instead. “Tell me, pretty girl… what has you so worked up already?”

“All of it.” You’re breathless as you look at him, no shame in your eyes as you admit how badly you want him. Suguru smiled, fingers keeping you spread as he watched the arousal pool at your entrance. “All of it, hmm? I make you that horny?” His tone was light but the look in his eyes was anything but. You could feel him devouring you whole. “Yeah, you fucking do.” You tried to keep your hips still, praying he’d do something other than watch you grow wetter by the second. “Tell me something, would you?” he pulled his eyes away to meet yours.

“Anything.” You comment softly, waiting to hear what he had to say. Suguru smiled, fighting the urge to reach up and tuck some of your hair behind your ear. “Tell me what you want me to do to you.” His voice was barely a whisper, pupils blown wide as he looked at you. You audibly groan, face feeling warm as your head falls back. “Eat me out, Suguru.” You drawl, no longer embarrassed by the things he makes you say. “As you wish.” He couldn’t even tease you for such an honest answer. Suguru’s head dipped lower, tongue licking up your inner thighs, teeth grazing the skin eagerly.

“Sugu…” You whined out, his lips growing closer to your aching cunt. “... can I suck you off after?”

Suguru’s whole body jolted as you uttered those words, mouth moving to lick and suck along your folds as his honest answer. You took that as a yes. You couldn’t help but squirm as his hands began kneading the flesh of your thighs, all the while his tongue was lapping at your cunt. Each movement sent electricity up your spine, one hand shakily reaching out to hold his head as his lips wrapped around your pulsating clit. “Oh fuck… Suguru…” you were embarrassed by how quickly he had learned to make you cum, the pressure already building in your gut.

He didn’t slow, rather he slipped two fingers into your slick entrance and scissored them in time with his sucking. He loved to put on a show for you, going as far as to slurp your juices just so he could hear you cry out. You couldn’t think straight when his tongue was wiggling against your clit, stopping every few seconds to suck until your back arched. Suguru continued this until he felt your fingers tighten in his hair, pulling harsh as your moans turned into breathy gasps. He pulled away with a slick pop, smiling deviously as your head shot up to glare at him. “Suguru!” You wailed, letting go of his hair angrily.

“Not yet, I don’t want you coming yet.”

“No fucking fair!” you whined, head falling back against the mattress in defeat. “So selfish.” Suguru laughed as he pushed himself off the floor, now making a show of pulling the rest of his clothing off. “There goes your chances at getting head.” you chided, watching as that shit eating grin remained on his lips. “You think this is funny!” you whined again, the echoes of your denied orgasm making you close your thighs to try and alleviate the pressure. Suguru watched you, cock throbbing as he kicked his pants off the rest of the way and tossed them to the side.

“I do think it’s funny, mostly because you look so cute when you’re so worked up.” his hands wrapped around himself, pumping languidly as you spread your thighs again, eager for more. Suguru smirked, always defiant until his cock was out. “Nah baby, I don’t think you deserve this right now.” he continued to stroke himself, head falling back just a bit as his own aching arousal was finally being relieved. “Sugu…” you choked out in a hushed whisper, mouth watering as he let out a breathy sigh, fingers toying with the sensitive tip. You were regretting your earlier statement.

“Sugu…” you spoke softly, watching him lift one leg to plant his foot on the mattress, hand still gliding along his shaft as his jaw slackened. He ignored you, continuing to get himself off. He was waiting for you to do something, that realization had you pushing yourself up, pulling your shirt up and over your head and tossing it to the ground. You pulled your legs off the side of the bed, maneuvering yourself until you sat on your knees before him. “Let me suck you off.” breathless, hands folded neatly on your lap as you waited for his response.

Suguru smiled at you, watching the mattress move as your hips squirmed. “I thought you said the chances of me getting head were gone.” he teased, hand massaging just before the head of his cock, making his own voice falter as he spoke to you. “I never said that.” which was kind of true, you didn’t say those exact words. Suguru cocked an eyebrow, unable to maintain his stern demeanor as your tongue moved to wet your lips, eyes completely focused on his fist. “Please, your hand is so boring Suguru, especially when you could have my mouth.” you tried again, eyes sliding up his torso, admiring the dips and plains of his muscles.

“When you put it like that, it’s hard to say no.” he murmured softly, letting his cock go. You scooted closer, until your knees were nearly off the edge of the mattress. “Thank you.” You whispered softly, watching his face flush a shade of pink, eyes quickly looking away from you to try and regain some sort of composure. The first touch was always enough to make him weak in the knees, your tongue gliding gently over his weeping tip before lowering to the underside of his shaft. He met your eyes, face still flushed as you looked at him with such adoration. All the while your mouth was doing sinful things to him, your duality was enough to induce whiplash.

His fingers came up to rake through your hair, guiding you as your jaw slackened, head moving to engulf him in the wet heat your mouth had to offer. “Oh fuck…” Suguru choked when you didn’t stop moving, throat constricting as your nose brushed the unruly mess of black hair at his base. You held yourself there, drool dripping down your chin as your cheeks hollowed. Slowly you dragged yourself back, watching the shiny coat of saliva covering his shaft in your wake. You repeated those motions, finding a comfortable place to bob your head at, his length heavy on your tongue. “So good for me… fuck you’re so good for me… I don’t know what I did to deserve you…”

You merely hummed, ignoring the slow but steady ache building in your jaw as your hand moved along his shaft. You could tell he was starting to really feel it, his cock twitching every few motions, head tilted back as his eyes fluttered shut. You had to admit you were impressed he managed to stay on his feet. Most times, when Suguru dared to eat you out while you were standing, you were nearly a dead weight in his grasp by the end. The only thing keeping you up was the wall he stuffed you against and his shoulders because he tossed your legs over them. You stopped when you felt him twitching violently, jaw clenched tight as his head shot forward to look down at you.

“Gonna make me cum, pretty girl.” He choked out, hands cupping your cheeks to guide you as you moved your head again. Your hands shot out, holding his thighs tightly as you let him use your head how he pleased, guiding you to a pace that made your eyes water before he stilled all together. You forced yourself to relax as Suguru spilled down your throat, letting you greedily swallow all of it before pulling off of him with a lewd pop. “Fuck…” he nearly fell into the bed, dick still hard as he crawled onto the matress with you. “How about we do this…” he sounded breathless, laying on his side and guiding you to do the same. You knew what he wanted, swollen lips parting as you sighed, settling with your back just barely touching his front.

You let Suguru grab one leg, lifting it up slowly to create enough space for himself. “Lazy boy…” You teased over your shoulder, letting his arm hook under your neck, large hand resting on your chest. “Maybe I am, but you fucking love it.” You couldn’t complain, not when he was angling his hips and pressing the weeping tip of his cock at your entrance. He pressed into you, adjusting both of your bodies until he found a comfortable position to properly rut his hips into you. All you could do is let him, whining loudly as he split you open, stuffing you full. “How’s that, hmm? Does it feel good?” Suguru whispered against your ear, panting as your walls constricted around him and tried to push him out at the very same time. “F-feels so good…so good…” You whined loudly.

Suguru didn’t give you a verbal response after that, instead focusing all of his attention on finding a good rhythm to fuck you too. You couldn’t stop the noises that spilled past your lips, each drag of his cock in and out of your heat was enough to make your vision blurry. It took everything in you to at least keep your head up, tilted downwards to watch where he disappeared and reappeared between your legs. “Suguru…” a breathless plea, one that turned into a steady mantra as all you could think about was him and what he was doing to you. Had you not been so overwhelmed you would have heard his quiet grunts of praise each time your bodies connected.

Suguru watched a shaky hand slide down your front, in your whimpering daze you managed to slip two fingers down there to rub sloppy circles on your clit. “Gonna cum, aren’t ya?” Suguru gasped, his cock twitching violently as your cunt suctioned to him, nearly making his thrusts falter. “Y-yeah…” you managed to get out, no longer having the strength to keep your head up. You let it fall, resting snuggly in the crook of the arm he was using to support you. “Then come for me, pretty girl. I wanna feel you come all over my cock… then maybe I’ll fill you up, yeah? You’d love that…” you responded with a loud whine, walls fluttering around his length each time he pushed it back in.

“There we go, come for me.” He encouraged again, warm breath ghosting the shell of your ear and earning a shiver in response. You could feel it, the aching build of a damn that was on the verge of breaking, every breath you made was nothing but a labored pant. Your heart was beating erratically, just as you were about to fall over the edge, Suguru gasped. You couldn’t help but gasp with him, his release pumping into you, hot and sticky. “F-fuck sorry…” he grounded out, his own orgasm sneaking up on him and completely catching you by surprise. Not that it mattered to you, that strained and embarrassed apology was all you needed before you felt yourself coming as well.

You both essentially collapsed, Suguru holding you tightly as he angled himself to remain inside of you, to keep his cum inside of you. “You okay?” he mumbled softly, hand lazily reaching for the one you had used to rub your clit and bring it to your lips. You whined as he popped the shiny fingers in his mouth, cleaning them with his tongue. “Yeah, I'm good…great really.” You chuckled, eyelids feeling heavy as he hummed. “Good.” he mumbled softly, pulling your fingers from his mouth to kiss them gingerly. “You know I love you, right?” Suguru’s voice was tender, so tender it nearly pulled the air out of your lungs. “Yeah, of course I know that Sugu… you know I love you too, right?”

“I know.” was all he said in reply, you had to wonder why he was suddenly so sentimental. Suguru was typically softer with you after sex, aftercare was one of his specialties. But something about his tone felt different, something about his question felt like there was more meaning behind it. You had been noticing the bags under his eyes for the last few weeks, but every time you asked he always brushed you off. “Is everything okay?” you tried to turn your head to look back at him, but the angle he had you in proved to make movement difficult. “Mmhmm, just want to make sure you’re okay.” but he hadn’t been that rough with you. “Yeah, I’m okay… but you haven’t answered me.” He stopped kissing your hand, setting it down gently as he moved to kiss your shoulder.

“I haven’t?”

“I asked you if you were okay.”

“Well, I did answer you. I said yes.” he didn’t sound offended, more or less he sounded amused. “Mmhmm isn’t a yes, Suguru.” You, on the other hand, sounded a little less enthused. “I’m okay, baby. Is that better.” you couldn’t see it but you could hear the smile on his lips. “Yeah, that’s better.” But for some reason, you couldn’t shake the worry clinging to your heart.

“Hey… hey…” you woke with a gasp, eyes wet as you tried to remember where you were. “You okay? You started crying in your sleep again.” A worried but groggy voice was speaking to you, one that was familiar but your brain couldn’t seem to catch up. “Y/N? It’s me, it’s Satoru.” There it was, you nearly fell back into the pillow with relief as he spoke. “Shit I’m sorry… I was dreaming and it just… fuck it felt so real. I couldn’t remember where I was…” you wiped your eyes, slowly adjusting to the dark room again. “It’s okay… you’ve been dreaming a lot.” Satoru sighed, he remembered you saying that your nights had been pretty dreamless for the last three weeks so why was that changing now?

“I know… it just started happening too. Maybe it's because of the baby.”

Your hand lowered to your stomach, palm resting flatley against it. You still couldn’t process the fact that there was something in there, something that was growing, a mix of you and him. “Can pregnancy make you dream more?” Satoru chuckled, blue eyes shifting to read his alarm clock. It was just past four in the morning. You had slept pretty well until a few minutes ago. He had been watching you, woken up by your body growing restless. He woke you up the moment he heard you start to sniffle. “I dunno, maybe.” you sighed, eyes feeling heavy again. “Sorry for waking you, Toru.” You didn’t hear the way his breath hitched, your yawn effectively shutting it all out.

You hadn’t called him by that nickname in weeks, he hadn’t really realized how much he missed it. “Don’t apologize, I told you to stop that.” Not stern, just tired, he wanted you to go back to normal but he knew that was impossible. Things would never go back to how they were. “Oh, yeah… I guess you have told me that.” You chuckle, turning on your side to face him in the dark. “I won’t apologize for forgetting this time, okay?” You grinned, eyes closing and unaware that he was able to see it in the dark. “Okay.” He sighed, a grin creeping up his own face as he let his eyes shut again. Hopefully you’d sleep through to his alarm at 8:30am, you had a busy day ahead.

~END OF PART ONE~

Thank you for reading! I hope you look forward to part 2 <3333

Likes, comments and reblogs are always appreciated ;3

4K notes · View notes

gojosgooch · 7 months

Text

The Ackerbond Chapter 6: The Ackerbond Divides

Pairing: Canon!Levi x F!Reader

Warnings: SMUT, honestly might just leave that as is but uh yeah SMUT, couples fighting™️, honestly I wrote so much of this so long ago I don't remember but like violence and stuff I'm pretty sure,

A/N: i have nothing but apologies to offer and maybe some updates like I graduated... yaaaaaaay....... that and I've been obsessed with a promiscuous pansexual vampire twink since august iykyk

oh also also, sorry for the millions of mistakes that this is likely riddled with <3

Taglist: @levmada @awesomeness1679 @purplecandygerl @iam-thevillain-of-thisstory @pluvio-pluto @midnightbarnes97 @aresclouds @imkumichan @xxpadfootxx @cmjh3 @justa19 @notgoodforlife @leviackermanmyhero245 @kaea-peverall @jakillski @macaronnv @natalie-skz @oldtownwonderland @snailsposts @lunardeiity @clusiesuzie @hi-imkaiya @isabellawigginss @ackermandick @orionsalos @disaster-writer @temariskadi @nariko1989 @elizaack @dixie-chick @death-by-bullseye @leviackermanst @poisonpeche @arcticcashew @feelingsandemotionsnotexplored @littleagxs @wall-maria-fritz

Annie Leonhart. That was her name. One of the 104th cadets who chose the Military Police. That was the girl who ripped your family away from you. Just one girl. Fuck’s sake. You’d barely had time to recover after losing your family. But whilst the devil works hard, Erwin Smith works harder, already having an idea as to who the Titan was, and also a plan as to how to capture her.

And it had almost worked without consequence. Almost. But Annie was smarter than you all realised, and transformed before Armin could convince her underground. You’d been ordered to stay out of combat, by both Erwin and Levi. But so many were dying… so many were getting between the Scouts and their target that you didn’t have a choice. You didn’t do much, just scoop civilians out of the way, as many as you could. Though your body now screamed at you for it.

Worth it.

You stood before your enemy’s crystal. How could she look so peaceful after what she did? After the thousands she murdered. How could she look so damn content? You grit your teeth, molars grinding against molars. So much had happened as a result of the conflict.

Like a fucking Titan in the wall. You’d all seen it before Pastor Nick came running up. What the hell that sleazy holy man had been keeping from you, you were sure Hange could get it out of him. They were good at that sort of thing.

Light footsteps echoed in the cellar. Not that you needed footsteps to tell when he was nearing you. You knew from the feeling alone. There was a tangible moment of silence before either of you spoke.

“I know.”

Levi quirked a brow, stepping up beside you. Unlike you, he wasn’t in uniform. The damage to his leg was worse than any of you realised, and he’d too been ordered to recover. “I didn’t even say anything.”

A gentle scoff flew from your lips, your eyes sliding from Annie to Levi. “You didn’t need to. I could tell by your vibes.”

It was Levi’s turn to laugh slightly, his arm wrapping around your side, keeping you near him. He knew what you were thinking. Could hear your thoughts from the other side of the damn city. You had yet to test the range of the bond, but it was nice to know it was further than just the barracks or however far away you were on the 57th. Staying silent, he waited for you to continue.

“She took everything, and she just gets to sleep. How is that fair…?” You asked quietly, fighting tooth and nail to keep your brewing tears from sliding down your face. “And we’re left with more questions than answers even after capturing the bitch. We got nothing out of this. And Eld, he…” you trailed off, not quite able to voice the fact that his death was fruitless. All of theirs were. Petra, Gunther, Oluo… they all died for nothing.

“No. He didn’t,” Levi tilted your head to face him with a finger beneath your chin, “we give their deaths meaning. You know that’s why we fight.” It was a conversation you’d had many times before, and even before you two were together. When caught up in the seemingly endless parade of grief, he would pull you out and give you something to fight for.

“Yeah. I know…” was all you could say, looking back to the blonde. But Levi wasn’t having any of it, once again turning your head back to face him. You rolled your eyes, but couldn’t stop a smile from pulling at your lips. Always so persistent. “I’ll try to stop thinking about it, okay?” You bargained, earning yourself a sweet kiss on your forehead.

“Good. I’ll know if you don’t.”

“How much time do you spend in my head?”

“Pretty much all of it.”

You couldn’t even be mad. You knew his own was just as haunted as yours. Maybe you would find equal solace in his mind as he did in yours. It was worth a shot. Not now, not yet, but sometime.

Having not even noticed he’d led you away and back up the stairs, you were snapped out of your dark reverie by Hange approaching and looking uncharacteristically grim.

“No luck?” you asked before they’d even spoken. Shaking their head, Hange sighed heavily. They looked more exhausted than you’d ever seen them, even after all-nighter Titan experiments they didn’t look this rough.

“Not a damn thing. We’ve sent various messengers to outposts within Wall Rose territory. ” You hoped that meant Nanaba would be prepared. You hadn’t even had the chance to say goodbye before she rode off with the 104th. You guessed it made sense to keep them all separated just in case but you couldn’t help but curse the circumstances.

Fuck this week.

It had been mere hours since the messenger came through, screaming about how Titans had somehow breached another fucking wall, and you could all only assume the Colossal or Armoured would have been the ones to do it. This was too much of a coincidence. You capture the Female, and all of a sudden there’s another breach? They had to be related.

“Did Annie have any close friends within the 104th? Like, people she would often hang out with…?” you asked slowly, only now making the connection. And it seemed Hange was on the same wavelength.

“I’ve already asked for a background check on her, should be with me within the next few days.”

“Oh yeah, Erwin’s theory. If the Colossal and Armoured Titans are shifters too, it makes sense they would also be in the 104th.” Levi murmured, watching the exchange between you and Hange with something you knew was slight awe. Your brain had always been fast, but watching it paired with Hange’s was a spectacle to witness. It had him wondering just how many people you could silently communicate with.

–Just you. Don’t get jealous again.–

–The fact you can have a conversation out loud and also have one in your head simultaneously is fucking terrifying.–

He heard your snort in his mind, still watching you talk with Hange.

–It’s a gift.–

“So what can we do?” You asked Hange, trying not to send a smirk Levi’s way. It didn’t matter, he could feel your amusement anyway.

“We’re heading to Ehrmich District, Pastor Nick’s coming too and we’re taking Eren, Armin, and Mikasa with us.” They explained. You hadn’t really interacted with Armin or Mikasa all that much, but you knew the girl was an Ackerman. It could be a good opportunity to see if she had any insight into your situation with Levi, or if she feels something similar toward Eren. It was obvious enough she’d completely fallen in love with the boy, and since she shared a last name with Levi, maybe there was something there too?

Honestly, you were speculating.

–Don’t expect much from her. She wants me dead.–

–You beat the shit out of the man she loves, you’d be the same if someone kicked my tooth out.–

–...Understandable.–

“And you want us to come with you? Why?” you asked, once again refraining from looking at the man to your left. Which, you’d recently discovered, was almost impossible.

“Babysitting duty!” they informed you, way too cheerily. “I’ll be taking a group to look for the breach and since you're both off active duty for now, I thought it could be a cute couple’s activity to keep an eye on our Pastor.”

You have never wanted to die more in your life than in this very moment. Were they fucking serious? Babysitting?

“I hate you–”

“So fucking much.” Levi finished, and you both looked at each other, knowing you just made it one thousand times worse by finishing each other’s sentence.

“See? You’re like a married couple already! Plus it’s Erwin’s orders so you can’t back out.” They clapped their hands together excitedly, looking between you as if they were witnessing a proposal. You were surprised how they could be so ecstatic considering the last few days, but Hange was always good at masking grief with insanity. You were glad you knew them so well.

“When are we heading out?” you asked, your voice completely monotone. If you were being completely honest with yourself, you knew you weren’t capable of just sitting and waiting to hear news. You knew Hange had done this for you because though the two of you were completely different, you had your similarities.

Like being unable to stay out of battle, for example.

As for Levi, he was more sensible than the two of you combined. You knew he wasn’t being dragged along for your benefit alone, but you still appreciated it. Not that he would have stayed somewhere without you. Not yet anyway. The idea of being alone so soon just… he couldn’t.

“Sundown,” they confirmed, running a hand through their hair. “I have a few things to get done before then, but that should give me just enough time.”

You placed a hand on your hip, clearly about to be here talking for longer than you were expecting to. “Oh? Like what?”

“I have a few tests to run,” you narrowed your eyes at them. “No! No, not on Eren, he’s still exhausted. On something else actually. I have a theory about that Titan crystal that I want to confirm before we leave.”

You nodded thoughtfully. There had been way too many firsts recently. The discovery of a possible four shifters within the 104th cadet corps, Titans in the walls, and now another fucking breach. And you had a terrible feeling this was just the beginning.

–I know.–

As per usual, Levi’s voice brought you no small degree of comfort. This time, you didn’t refrain from looking at him, a soft, grateful smile pulling at your lips. How any single person could be so fucking perfect, you would never know.

–Stop.–

–Hmm. Make me.–

–You’re ridiculous.–

–You’re hot.–

The next look Levi sent you was nothing short of withering as if he’d already grown tired of your bullshit. Which seemed impossible. He loved your bullshit!

–No, I really don’t.–

–Wait… really?– You asked, with a hint of genuine concern.

Levi paused for a moment. Were you actually worried, or were you just trying to get him to admit that he actually did enjoy your bullshit?

–...maybe sometimes.–

–HA! Knew it!– you responded, far too smugly for his liking. He suppressed the urge to sweep your leg. If only his own wasn’t badly injured…

“So, how does all of this work?”

You both snapped back to look at Hange, who you’d completely forgotten was there. It wasn’t the first time you’d been so caught up in your little mental conversation that you forgot about the verbal ones, but this was on a whole other level. Hange was right there, and you’d both just ignored them in favour of having your own private little chat.

“What uh– like uh, how does uhm– like– what do you, like, mean?”

–That was possibly one of the greatest butt-fumbles of a question you’ve ever asked.–

–Did you just say butt-fumble?!–

–Concentrate. Hange’s answering.–

–Oh shi- –

“Well, everyone and their mother, dead or alive, can tell that there’s something deeper here. Deeper than your average cute lil’ relationship, I mean.”

“I will cut you and it will hurt.”

It took you a minute to figure out who’d said that between you and Levi, having had the exact same thought.

Or was that a thought of his? It was getting hard to tell now.

“Come on now Levi, ever since we caught your two cuddling on the floor–”

“I was bleeding out!” You protested with indignance. Honestly, Nanaba and Nifa had not stopped talking about that. You almost fucking died!

“An insignificant detail. But a few things have been running through my mind, the first being how could you,” they pointed to Levi, who looked ready to commit arson, “have possibly known she had blown her stitches?”

“I’m right fucking here…” you muttered, causing Levi to snort in your head.

“There was no way she could have told you, and nobody had entered her room since you had to kick the door in. Not only this but there was that day in the field too! We were mid-conversation and you just suddenly took off! Next thing I hear you’d managed to save her life,”

“I’m still right fucking here.”

“So, how does this all work? Because you can’t be human with the things you’re able to do–”

“What?”

“–and he always manages to save your ass even when he didn’t know it needed saving five seconds beforehand!”

The air around you fell completely silent. You didn’t even begin to question how Hange had managed to work this much out already, because of course they did. This shouldn’t have come as such a surprise if you were being honest, and yet here you were, stunned into silence.

Levi too found himself mentally floundering for a logical explanation. Because how the fuck would he explain how the bond between you worked when he himself barely knew. He could feel your pain, your pleasure, your emotions. He could see glimpses into a future where, had he failed, you died. Not to mention the fact you could both access a shared space within your combined souls where you couldn’t feel each other and that space could be morphed and crafted into anything. It could be a little cabin for just the two of you, or a giant open field with a lake like it was the first time. But no matter where you were, that glowing tree of pure light was always there. Always.

“What’s your theory?”

Levi turned to you, wide-eyed. Was this it? Were you about to tell them everything? How the bond worked, how it started, and how it’s going now?

Hange’s eyes glinted with newfound enthusiasm. You’d made it into a little game, and they’d picked up on it. It was obvious enough that something was going on between you and Levi, and they had so far guessed right, that this something wasn’t just surface level, and ran so much deeper than anybody could see.

–Are you out of your fucking mind?–

You almost laughed aloud at the panic in Levi’s voice.

–Just trust me, okay?–

–If Four-eyes ends up running experiments on me, I will never forgive you–

Mischief radiated from the part of his soul that was occupied by you, and he grit his teeth. Fuck’s sake.

“My theory? Well, I haven’t had the time to properly work anything out, but I think Shorty here can do more than he lets on, but of course, you already know that, don’t you?”

You held up your hands in innocence. “I’m not saying anything until I hear what you think is going on,” you countered, rather enjoying this new game you’d started, even if you knew it stressed the fuck out of your little soulbond. He would be totally fine… no real harm could come from Hange knowing a little more about your relationship.

You were almost certain.

“Okay so what if, we know Levi has more than human abilities when it comes to fighting, so what if he had more than human abilities when it comes to love? What if his fighting skill wasn’t the only thing he excelled at. What if communication was something he could do on an insane level too?”

“That's ridiculous–”

“I’m listening…”

These synchronised responses were a tad suspicious, you would admit. And yet it only seemed to further Hange’s excitement in the two of you.

“Okay so! What if, hear me out, he could communicate with you, on like, another level…?”

–How crazy would that be?– Well that made it borderline impossible not to snort in Hange’s face.

–Levi…?–

–Mm?–

–Not helpful.–

“Like, how do you mean?” You were more than happy to bite. More than happy to entertain this with the slightest hint of sarcasm, hoping that would throw them slightly. Conversational politics, something you’d learned from Erwin many years ago. And though you still stand by the fact you weren’t brave enough for politics, it was still nice to use all that he’d taught you when he was your captain.

“So, and bear with me here, what if he could somehow communicate with you without anyone else hearing. Like, in your head or something?”

Your eyes widened slightly. Oh fuck, they really did have a lot figured out, didn’t they? You stared at them for a moment, both hearing and feeling Levi freak the fuck out. This wasn’t exactly how you were expecting this conversation to go…

“Hange…?

They looked at you like a puppy faced with a bone. “Yeah?”

You paused.

“That’s fucking ridiculous.” You flatlined, before subtly kicking Levi’s foot and walking away without another word. It wasn’t that you enjoyed watching the misplaced hype fade from their eyes, but when it came to something so secret and special as the bond between you and your soulmate, you didn’t mind letting them down a few times.

Levi followed you, and if he didn’t love you so damn much, he probably would have killed you for pulling a stunt like that. But there was something about the confident way you walked, the slight swing in your hips like you knew he was watching you.

–Of course I know… and we have a few hours before Hange wants us on that cart…– he knew that tone in your voice. That slightly sultry cadence drove him batshit crazy and worst of all, you knew it drove him insane.

–...What did you have in mind?–

Levi’s back hit the door to his office with a solid thud, the sound of the sliding lock securing his arousal as you pinned his arms above his head with your threaded fingers. If his mouth was free, he would have whimpered along with the shot of heat running through his spine. But with your tongue thrust down his throat, he could only manage a choked squeak of approval. He fucking loved it when you were bold like this. When you took control. When you slammed him against the wall and made him forget his own damn name.

Combined moans danced with each other when you forced your leg between his thighs, applying delicious pressure to the borderline painful strain against the front of his slacks. You were rabid, vicious, desperate with your other hand, ripping his jacket from his shoulders. Your mouth travelled from his tongue to his jaw, setting his voice free from the confines of his throat, breathy gasps flying from parted lips. You nipped and bit with tongue and teeth, sharply pinching down the side of his neck, a particularly sensitive weakness.

“Sh-shit, someone’s ea-AH! Fuck! Eager,” you interrupted him with a bite to the spot just behind his ear. That paired with the bold grasp of his clothed cock after tearing his jacket off sent his brain short circuiting.

You didn’t know where this sudden craving for his body came from. Sure, you always wanted to fuck him, you didn’t think there was a minute in a day where you couldn’t happily discard your clothes for him if he asked, but where this specific craving came from, you weren’t entirely sure. You just had the sudden urge to shove his dick in your mouth.

“Fuck, you can’t think shit like that… n-not when-ngh, not when I can-n still hear it.” You stifled your heated chuckle by sucking a bruise into the side of his neck, groaning along with him when your cunt throbbed. You hadn’t even thought about the idea of pleasuring yourself purely by pleasuring him, but now that seed had been planted in your head, you were definitely going to abuse the power the moment the chance arose.

“Keep your hands up,” you instructed, threading your fingers out from his grasp. To your surprise, he actually obeyed for once, his palms now flat against the door behind him as you tore his shirt out from where he’d tucked it into his pants. You didn’t even bother to undo the buttons, just shoved it up his stomach until you had access to his peaked nipples, flicking and pinching until he cried out and your eyes rolled, once again latching onto his neck.

Levi knew you’d left a mark he wouldn’t be able to cover up easily, but he couldn’t find it in himself to care right now. Now when all he could do was rake his nails down the wood behind him as you started to travel down his chest, skipping his covered collarbones. A small mercy, but a mercy nonetheless.

Now you had the freedom to, you couldn’t count how many purple blossoms you’d suckled into pecs, crescent bite marks flushing pink against his pale skin, pebbled nipples now sensitive and raw. You popped one into your mouth, gripping his waist with one hand when you felt his crowing pleasure as your own. It was impossible to stem the constant thrumming of your clit when the tip of his cock kept rubbing against the front of his seam. Levi bucked his hips impatiently as you slowed down the pace of your actions, licking a hard line from his naval up to the centre of his chest. Having to hold his shirt up was getting frustrating, restricting the use of both your hands. You’d almost abandoned his chest completely, before a wicked idea sprouted in your mind.

Levi could feel it, the sudden spark of mischief in your heart, and before he could even truly decipher what it was you had planned, you stood back up and shoved the bottom of his shirt between his teeth, gagging his keening moans. You took a small step back, just to admire his appearance. Flushed all over, painted black and blue by your teeth, rosy pink dusting his cheeks and sweat dripping down the side of his pinched brows. A new painting, you thought to yourself.

–Come. On–

You grinned. Even in your head he sounded as desperate as he looked. Though you could feel it too, the tightening coil of arousal. But toying with him has become one of your favourite pastimes. “I’m just admiring the view, you look fucking delicious ‘Vi.”

Despite his current situation, he still managed to roll his eyes. –I’m not above getting myself off if you don’t hurry up–

Oh. Oh that was a mistake. He knew the moment your eyes lit up and his cock throbbed as an echo of your own pussy.

You stepped back up to him, keeping searing eye contact as your fingers deftly unhooked his belt and slowly pulled down the front of his zipper. “Yeah? Show me then.”

There was nothing he could do against the dare in your voice, and especially not as you reached into his briefs, pulling out his desperately soaking cock. He watched you bite your cheek at the first brush of your hand, your lips parting as you couldn’t help but pump him slightly, too lost in your own growing pleasure.

Levi arched his back off the door behind him and into your loose fist, forgetting all about your little challenge when your thumb circled his head, your cheek falling against his shoulder. It was all he could do to remember to breathe through the now sodden shirt clamped between his teeth, ragged gasps fueling your movements.

His voice cracked as you squeezed the base of his shaft, eyes screwed closed and hands balling tight.

“Not yet…” you panted against his neck, before setting him free completely and walking backwards until your thighs hit the desk behind you. From here, you removed your own belt, pulling down your pants and underwear in one motion. Levi didn’t know what you had planned, but his eyes instantly honed in on your soaking cunt the moment you hopped up onto the desk and spread yourself for him.

“I want you to watch my pussy throb around nothing as you fuck yourself with your fist. And before you ask, no I won’t be touching myself.”

Levi almost came there and then. That had to have been the single hottest thing you’d ever said to him. Though the idea was cruel, the tip of his cock leaked at the idea.

–Fuck… you’re serious?–

“Completely.”

–Do I have to keep this fucking thing in my mouth?–

“You want me to find something else to gag you with?” The idea of stuffing your underwear in his mouth did spring to mind, but it was too much of a hassle to take your boots off. Plus, it was so much hotter this way, you got to see the extent of what your previous administrations did to his chest.

–Shit, okay… can I use both hands?–

“Nope. Just one.”

–Fuck you’re cruel today–

“You gonna keep me waiting?”

With a huff of indignance, Levi left one of his hands to claw at the wood behind him, the other coming down to clasp his aching cock. You both moaned in unison, every stroke down his shaft feeling like he was inside you, your walls fluttering against nothing.

You’d instructed him to watch your cunt, something he thought he could do with ease, but when he grasped his dripping head and swirled his thumb around his tip, he fought tooth and nail against the instinct to throw his head back.

You, on the other hand, did no such thing. “Fuck ‘Vi… like that. Oh shit, feels… fuck that feels good,” you breathed, feeling your clit pulse with a phantom touch. You still had every intention of sucking him off, but for now you just wanted to feel, content to keen and writhe as you relished every languid pump of his cock.

Every instinct was screaming at him to cross the room and bury himself deep inside your walls, seeing you so wet and ready for him. But he would be good today. This was something new that neither of you had thought of before, and he would be lying if he said he wasn’t enjoying it more than he thought he would. He watched you gush, your hips lifting off the desk as his hand applied pressure, sparking another cracked moan from his barred lips.

Before, the idea of getting himself off was never really appealing. It was only since this had started did he actively enjoy it, most likely because he knew you were feeling good too. So, with newfound courage, Levi ran his thumb down the vein on the underside of his shaft, crying out with the sharp spike of euphoria in his blood.

You obviously weren’t unaffected. “Yes! Fuh–ahaah! Fuck…! Ag-again!”

He was yours to command, and so complied with your wish, once again thumbing down the sensitive vein. A sob wracked from his chest, bringing your back to reality.

–Please! I… I can’t fucking- NGH! Please…!–

“Y-you want my f-ah! Want my fingers?” you asked, throwing your previous promise of not touching yourself out the window.

Levi’s hair bounced with a vigorous nod, only now craving that toe-curling sensation he felt when you hit that particularly sensitive spot inside you.

You made a show of sucking on your fingers, eyes still rolling as he continued to pleasure you both, before slowly pushing them through your folds. Levi’s gasp blended into a high pitched sob as you teased your own cunt. He’d actually been the one to help you find your g-spot, instructing you through heavy lashes until he too was keening. You could find it without much effort now, and when you finally pushed against it, Levi let his shirt fall.

“NGHA-HAAH! Shit! Oh fuck fuck FUCK!” You didn’t say anything when the back of his head hit the door, eyes screwed shut again as he desperately bucked his hips into his fist, picturing your pussy sucking him in. Neither of you had had the time to explore where in him you could tease until he went cross eyed, finding the same result this way. But he knew you wanted to, and deep down, he knew he wanted to too. Nothing had ever felt this good.

Goosebumps started to prickle your skin as you curled your fingers, his wanton cries an orchestra to your performance. Though this wasn’t exactly what you had in mind when you’d provoked him earlier, this was so much better. The room became a symphony of ecstasy, neither of you able to voice anything other than pure, unadulterated pleasure.

You stilled your fingers at the same moment Levi stilled his hand, looking at each other with nothing but burning desire, both of you heaving for oxygen.

“You let the shirt fall…” you rasped, voice slightly raw. Levi opened his mouth to reply, but just at that moment you curled your fingers inside yourself again, sending him back into a stuttering, moaning mess.

“I– ah-haah! W-wasn’t my fault!” It wasn’t the attitudinal retort he wanted to have, but that seemed impossible when you were still inadvertently fucking him.

Sliding your fingers from your cunt, you both sighed slightly at the loss, before you finally took the time to remove your boots, pulling your pants and underwear off completely.

Levi stood still against the door, catching his breath for a moment. Neither of you had come yet, likely making this the longest you have lasted in each other’s presence. Hopping off the desk, Levi watched as your hips swing with each step towards him, and when you held out your hand, he willingly took your wrist, lapping up your tacky slick from your fingers.

You removed them from his tongue’s reach, replacing them with your own mouth as you kissed him hard. You felt him shiver as you once again grasped his cock, your eyes fluttering as you finally sank to your knees before him. He could barely stand to look at you, all of a sudden so submissive before him, and the moment you wrapped your lips around his tip, vibrations caressing his head from your own moaning, his head once again hit the door.

“Fuuuuuck… like that… just l-like that, shit…!” your tongue caressed his frenulum, hand twisting and pumping around what couldn’t fit in your mouth. Your eyes closed as your highs approached, having kept them from another for far too long. Hollowing your cheeks, you sucked against his tip hard, drawing a staggered whimper from his chest. “C-cum!! Gonna cum, fuck! G…gah-ah! Gonna fucking cum…!”

Your nails dug crescents into the milky skin of his waist, knowing the maintenance of your movements will bring you both crashing over the edge. And the moment Levi’s hands threaded through your hair and his hips bucked bruisingly into your mouth, you cried out around his cock as your high hit you, his spilling cum hitting the back of your throat.

Having lost control of his body, Levi’s back bowed in a steep arch, barely able to intake a gasp of breath before pure euphoria injected into his veins, balls tightening before releasing down your throat in sharp spikes of ecstasy. He vaguely registered you too hitting your high, the slight pain from your nails only heightening his pleasure. A long, pitched wail flew past his lips, thighs shaking as he fought to stay on his feet, his muscles having turned to liquid honey.

Caught up in the throes of your orgasm, your nose brushed the coarse hairs on his shuddering naval, having fallen forward without much care for his cock shoving further down your throat. Levi hissed as you whined around his overly-sensitive member, still twitching in the confines of your mouth, before gently moving your head back, setting you both free.

You chuckled softly, resting your forehead against his thigh as you both basked in the afterglow, taking a moment to catch your breaths, your thumb smoothing over the red marks you’d left around his waist, shivering slightly as you felt them burn into your own skin.

“Where… the hell… did that come from?” Levi breathed, his fingers curling through your hair, gently massaging against your scalp. Sex between you two was good. He was never going to deny that. The whole feeling each other thing was fucking incredible, but there was something about you ordering him to watch you cunt and get off to it that almost made him harden again.

“Not too sure to be honest… but I wanna experiment a bit with it…”

“Tch, you sound like Hange.”

The breath of your laughter huffed against his thigh, and it was only now did he realise that there really wasn’t a lot of mess to clean up, since he’d finished down your throat. The only real mess there was currently dripped from between your thighs, and it took all the power in his blood not to drop to the floor and clean you with his tongue.

“Wish we had the time…” you responded to the thought, shakily rising to your feet, your legs feeling weak both from kneeling and cumming your brains out. Levi thread his hands through his hair, sighing in blissful relief, only opening his eyes when he felt your thumb against the tender spot on the side of his neck, testing the bruise he knew you were looking at.

“Is it bad?”

“Uhm…” your voice was too pitched for his liking, eyes narrowing at your sheepish expression. “It’s… you have any scarfs…?”

Levi sighed heavily. He couldn’t be mad, not when every high you gave him was better than the previous one, but he did start to question your motives.

“I am not being possessive! I just get carried away sometimes, we both know that.” You pouted, pushing off him and crossing the room back towards your clothes. He wasn’t letting you get away with this though, not so easily. Stuffing himself back into his briefs and zipping up his slacks, Levi couldn’t be bothered to tuck his shirt back in before reaching you in two broad strides, wrapping his arms around your half naked waist and sucking a deep, biting bruise into the exact same spot on your own neck, making a twin to the now fading one on the other side.

You instantly melted into his touch, gasping lightly as you felt his teeth sink into your skin. A drunk smile pulled at your lips, your brain hazing for a moment, before he stopped suckling and pressed another, lighter kiss against your jaw.

“There. Now we’re even.”

“Not nearly, I still have this one.” you didn’t sound as put together as you would have liked, but the mere thought seemed impossible when you could feel him smiling against your neck.

It hit you like a punch from a Titan there and then. A singular thought that could ruin hundreds of moments. They wouldn’t get this. None of them would. They would never be able to experience something like this again. Why was it so right that you did? Grief constricted your breathing to the point where you pulled away from him, wordlessly tugging your clothes back on.

And of course, Levi knew what had happened. Knew exactly what you were thinking. He could hear it loud and clear in his own head. With everything that had happened lately, you hadn’t had the time to process your sorrow. Over the last two or three days, Levi had found himself awoken by your presence trying to make a home in his mind, terrified of your own. You didn’t want to be there, still tormented by guilt and hollowed sorrow.

“Sorry…” you mumbled, running an exhausted hand through your slightly sweaty hair. “Ruined it, right?” you couldn’t help offering him a melancholy and sheepish smile, now feeling guilty for ruining what was a really nice moment between the two of you. Though the mask dropped when you felt a phantom warmth descend around you. Levi knew you didn’t always like to be physically comforted, but he could still give you the feeling without touching you.

“Never.” he responded gently, reaching his hand out slightly apprehensively, waiting to see if you would shy away or accept the offer. And to his relief, you pressed your arm into his open hand, letting him guide you into his embrace. He knew this had been particularly tough on you. Though his squad was his family too, he still had Hange and Erwin. But you’d never bonded with them as much as you had with your departed friends. They were your family, he knew that. “You’re okay.”

You wanted to nod, but you couldn’t lie to him. You weren’t, but you had to be. You didn’t have a choice right now. These brief moments of weakness were all you were permitting yourself. Anything more and you would take it too far, losing control of your emotions and slipping back into that state Levi had to drag you out from. You wouldn’t put him through that again. It wasn’t fair.

“I just, I miss them so fucking much.” The tears you shed now weren’t ones of pleasure, but of pain. Of mourning the loss of time to mourn your family properly. He knew. Of course he knew. He would always know. But there was something so heartbreaking about hearing you admit it out loud.

“It’s bad today, isn’t it?” He asked, softly placing his head atop your own in a successful attempt to bring you comfort, if the way you buried your face into his bruised neck was anything to judge by.

–Yeah–

You were too afraid your voice would crack if you said anything out loud anymore, wanting more than anything to sink into his skin and disappear from the world, to let his half of your soul consume you and keep you. It hurt to breathe, knowing that they would never breathe again. It hurt to smile and laugh. It hurt to love as deeply as you do now.

–I know, I know–

Levi’s voice filled your head, fighting back those thoughts of your undeserved survival. You didn’t think you’d need to hear the reasons to fight again so soon after he uttered them not so long ago, but he was right. It was bad today. Maybe that was why you had him against the door like that, but the idea of using him as a distraction was even worse.

–You know that doesn’t matter to me–

Yes, you knew, but it didn’t help. Letting yourself feel would help, but you didn’t have the time. Neither of you did. And with the news of the recent breach… you didn’t know when you would have the time. And with your injuries, you couldn’t keep yourself busy. You couldn’t ride out with your comrades in this state. You were fucking useless. She was right, this whole time. You’d let your family die, you’re too weak to fight. You hadn’t thought about her in a while, but your grandmother was right.

“Enough.”

All thoughts in your head ceased.

Levi used a tone that he knew would get you to shut up, a tone he knew would grind your spiral to a complete halt. Because though it was soft, it was stony. It was a command from your Captain and an order from your bond.

“Shit… yeah, sorry.” you drew in a slow, deep breath, feeling Levi assist to calm your accelerating heartbeat. When the time would come, you weren’t sure, but you were sure that it wasn’t now. You would get to mourn them, just not yet.

Drawing you from his chest, Levi cupped your face with both hands, smoothing away the remains of tears beneath your eyes and down your cheeks with his thumbs. “Alright?”

“Yeah, yeah I’m okay. Thanks,” you reassured, though your lover didn’t look convinced.

“You have to let yourself be happy…”

“Damn, and that’s coming from you.”

Though it was a low blow, Levi was just relieved you were back to your old self somewhat. Under any other circumstance, he would have at least attempted to hide his soft smile, would have tried to feign irritation. But he couldn’t find it in himself. “Oi, I’m trying, okay?”

Maybe he could feign a little irritation. Just a little.

You huffed a light chuckle, placing one of your palms atop his scarred knuckles. “Guess we both have to try a little harder.” Pressing your lips to his, you sealed the promise, nothing but love now radiating from your mind. It settled his heart, a kiss of a different passion. No heat, just purity.

Fuck did he love you. And he would tell you one day, with his words, not just his thoughts.

“There’s no rush.” He felt you were unable to say that with complete honesty. There was always the constant pressure of time breathing down your necks. The unforeseeable future where one of you, or maybe even both of you, may be dead without ever getting to hear those words.

Like pulling a thread, Levi chased a memory he’d all but forgotten until now. “Do. Not. Lose. Her.”

“Who told you that?” You asked, quirking an intrigued brow.

“Honestly? Not sure. But it’s the second time I heard it when pulling you from your weird mind lake thing.”

“Hey!”

Levi smirked briefly at your offended façade, before resuming recounting what had happened from his perspective, now you could both talk about it without reopening any wounds. “The door between my head and the bond, it wouldn’t open. I couldn’t get to you. This voice told me to break it,” he turned to lean back against the desk just as you hopped atop it, crossing your ankles.

“What did they sound like?”

“Fucking patronising.”

You snorted. Only Levi would have said something like that about a disembodied voice he couldn’t identify. “Idiot, I meant like, how old? Where from? Did he have an accent like that Sasha girl?”

“Sasha has an accent?”

“Sometimes, though I haven’t really heard her speak much, there's a certain lilt to her voice.” It reminded you of the way Oluo used to speak, before he saw Levi as his new religion and changed his entire image. That first day was hilarious.

Fuck.

“No, she doesn’t have an accent.” He continued, knowing what you’d just thought about and wanting to squash another spiral before it even happened.

“It’s a woman?”

“I think so… the first time it was indistinguishable but… thinking back now…” his heart clenched. “It sounded like my mother.”

Your eyes widened slightly. Was that possible?

Levi swallowed thickly before continuing on. “Not in the way she spoke, but in the way her voice sounded. Pitch, cadence, tone… everything. I was too focused on you to really process but… it was her.”

You covered his hand braced on the edge of the desk. Despite his calm exterior, Levi was a constant maelstrom of emotions, and you did find yourself struggling at times to decipher what exactly he was feeling. Now was a good example, where you couldn’t tell if he was comforted or haunted by the idea of his mother talking to him.

“‘Vi…”

“At least, the voice was the same. Pretty sure my mother would never say ‘Now is not the time to doubt, blood of mine. Break the door. Do. Not. Lose her.’” He quoted exactly what he remembered being told that night. It was guidance, though brutal as it was.

You bit your lip in thought, watching as Levi’s tongue darted out to smooth the small phantom hurt. You really must remember to stop doing that so much. “‘Blood of mine’ ? Are all Ackerman’s connected to each other?” you asked, kind of wishing you had told Hange about the bond now. Maybe they could have helped decipher.

“Hard to say. I’ve never heard or felt anything before. Not even around Mikasa, and she’s an Ackerman.”

“You could just share the same last name and nothing more?” It was a weak suggestion, but a possibility nonetheless.

“I would have agreed had I not seen the reports of her strength and then seen it with my own eyes. You saw how she fought the Female Titan. That’s no regular strength.”

“You sayin’ I couldn’t have done something like that?” you asked, eyes flashing with cheeky mischief. Levi clicked his tongue, his own eyes rolling.

“She’s what, fifteen? Yes, I’m saying you couldn’t have done something like that at fifteen years old.”

“You didn’t even know me at fifteen years old!” you protested indignantly. “In fact, I–”

You were rudely cut off by Levi slapping his hand over your mouth, giving you a warning look. Returning his glare, you stuck your tongue out to lick the palm of his hand in petty defiance. Something which earned you nothing but a raise of his brow.

Point taken.

“It’s weird though,” you began after he removed his hand. “Why can’t you hear any of this when I’m like, not drowning in my mental health held together with a piece of fraying string?”

Levi sighed again, really wishing you wouldn’t talk about your own emotions like that, but now wasn’t the time to bring that up. “Not sure, I guess it only happens when I need it to?” he sounded as unsure as you did, which made sense considering neither of you knew what the fuck was really going on.

“Think it has something to do with the weird tree thing?”

He knew what you were talking about, and honestly, it was a sound theory. “I do find it weird that no matter where we’ve chosen, that tree will always be there somewhere,” He sighed, sliding a tired hand down the side of his face. “I’m sorry, I wish I knew more, but I’m as clueless as you are, despite this all coming from me.”

Your cheek against his shoulder was a welcome presence, strands of your hair tickling the underside of his jaw. “It would feel off-balanced if you knew more than I did anyway,” you reassured him. “Still, I would like to talk to Mikasa. It’s not me she hates, so maybe she’d open up a bit more.”

“I have a feeling it would be a little like trying to get me to open up without knowing me for as long as you have.”

“So I have no hope? Unless I get her to fall in love with me and then she forms a bond with me,” you joked, before the genuine question arose in your head. “Wait yeah, what if something like that did happen? Like, if there were more people with your blood, what if two people managed to bond to the same person?”

Levi shrugged, causing your head to tilt slightly. “It seems unlikely. If Ackermans are all connected, I don’t think whatever the bond is would let that happen. If it did…” he slid his eyes to where you were peering at him from his shoulder. “They’d probably duel or some shit.”

You barked a laugh, rising to stretch your arms above your head. “The sheer number of references you make to Frederik and Jules is absolutely appalling Levi Ackerman. Honestly, have you no shame?” Hopping off the desk, you crossed the room to unlock the door, thinking it would be a little suspicious if someone tried to enter whilst the bolt was across.

“Clearly not, I bonded with you, didn’t I?”

You swivelled, gaping at his audacity. It took you a moment to truly register what he had said, before taking a book from the shelf nearest you and throwing it in his general direction. “Rudeness! Rudeness of the highest insult!”

Whatever poor piece of literature you’d thrown at him was easily dodged, landing harmlessly behind the desk. “You can’t throw books at me, I’m injured.”

“You can’t throw insults at me, so am I!” you folded your arms, managing to keep his little devious smirk from cracking the defences in your expression. No, you will absolutely not let him get away with this!

“Yeah, you will.”

“Oh yeah? What makes you so sure?” you challenged, your expression still masked hard. Though as the moments lingered on and he kept looking at you like that, your resolve started to waver. “Fuck’s sake, I’m worse than Erwin and he let you get away with literal murder.”

“Speaking of which, how didn’t I know you two were old friends?” he asked, finally tucking his shirt back in and retrieving the black jacket you’d all but thrown to the floor, dusting it off with a barely veiled look of disdain.

“Likely because we barely talk as old friends anymore. He got caught up in being a Commander and I got caught up in wrangling you,” Levi raised a suggestive brow, pulling a laugh from your chest. “I didn’t mean it like that, but yes that as well. I meant in a ‘making sure you actually became a soldier and figuratively beating the shit out of anyone who called you a rat’ kind of way.”

Levi’s eyes widened slightly. He didn’t know you’d done that for him. You rolled your eyes, now trying to play it off. “Don’t let it get to your head. I almost fought my best friend the day we all met Isabel because she called her a criminal or some shit,” you couldn’t escape the slight blush in your cheeks. Yes, you’d done it in Isabel’s memory somewhat, but you’d also done it because you’d taken a liking to him from quite early on.

“I remember that…” it was the first time he’d bore witness to your fight. To a fire he’d now sworn to never let dwindle, and to protect at all costs. “Still, in all the years I’ve known Erwin, he’s not once mentioned you.”

“Guess he’s just as rude as you are then.” You had seen the opportunity and seized it with both hands, smirking slightly at his resulting scoff. “I think I might know why, though.”

Levi perked up slightly. “Oh?”

“That same evening after I met you and fought with Nana, we had a conversation. Erwin and I. We both knew he would likely be made Commander soon, meaning his squad would be left captainless,” Levi listened silently. He’d never heard you speak about the day he first met you, having not even discussed the tea you shared that day. “He told me I should take the offer to be made captain. I told him that I couldn’t.”

He didn’t know for sure, but Levi could hazard a guess. You’d lost faith in your abilities after what happened to Ilse.

“I don’t think he took it very well. He seemed kinda disappointed. But after that he was made Commander pretty quickly and yeah, that was that.” You didn’t particularly want to go into any more detail than that. Dragging up old, suppressed memories now wasn’t exactly a good idea, considering your current unstable mental state. Levi could see for himself if he wanted to, you’d already given him permission to see any memories he may deem necessary to understand you more as a person.

“I see,” was all he could say in response. Pressing with further questions didn’t seem like a good idea, and the last thing he wanted to do was make you feel any more uncomfortable with the conversation.

“So yeah, that’s about it. He was Captain of my squad, asked me to take over, I refused, you took the position instead.”

…Well he didn’t know that.

“Sorta why I’ve been indebted to you from the beginning. If you hadn’t shown up with your crazy abilities and shitty attitude I probably wouldn’t be here now.” You smiled, though it didn’t take a detective to see the slight pain behind it. Whatever that meant, he didn’t want to know, but with the bond being what it was, it didn’t seem like him joining the Scouts was a decision he made at all. But rather something else blessed by fate. Not that he was much of a believer in that kind of thing.

“You owe me nothing.”

“Well I know that now, yeah.”

“You owed me nothing back then, too.”

The room was silent for a moment, before you shattered it with a soft sigh. “I wish this had happened sooner. Between us, I mean.”

Levi crossed over to where you were leaning on the very same bookshelf you’d chucked a book from, once again taking you effortlessly into his embrace. He had the same thoughts so often. He wished he could have told you years ago. It wasn’t exactly love at first sight between you two, but he savoured his memories of the rocky start. The biting insults soon turned playful. The cleaning punishment morphing into shared time together. Though he wished he’d had you sooner, he wouldn’t trade watching you flounder around Eld for all the romance novels in the world.

You drew back, clearly having heard what he was thinking. “Really?

“It was pretty damn funny watching the two of you.”

Your forehead fell against his shoulder as you let out a long groan of embarrassment. “Fuck’s sake, even Erwin saw that.”

“He spoke to you about it?”

“Yeah, on the expedition. He wanted to extend his congratulations to us, which I thought was kinda nice of him, though he had a few other things to say….”

Levi looked at you, his eyes hard. “I assume he warded you away from me?”

“Not exactly. It was nicer than that, actually. He just told me to be careful.” you recalled the conversation in your head, sending snippets of visuals down the bond. Levi nodded, entertaining the image of you and Erwin by the campfire, having a surprisingly deep conversation, considering the circumstances. Though you left out the part where he told you not to hurt him. You were already afraid of doing that, but Levi didn’t need to know.

It must have been fate listening in, that there was a knock on the door just at this moment. You both looked at each other, the rapping sound breaking you both out of the little domestic bubble you so often found yourselves in nowadays. In a moment, you’d lifted a spare chair from the corner up to the desk to avoid the noise of dragging it along the wooden floorboards, and Levi had sat himself down, hunching over so it looked as if you were both completely caught up in paperwork.

“Come in.” he’d managed to morph his voice so it sounded mundane, as if he’d been doing this for hours. You couldn’t help but admire the adaptability. You guess you really weren’t the only chameleon in the room.

Moments after, a brown haired messenger announced themselves, opening the door with surprising flamboyance. “Captain Levi, Sir! Commander Erwin has asked for you, Sir! He wants to meet with you immediately, Sir!”

If you had taken a shot for everytime this guy had said sir you’d be well on your way to a good night out. However, there wasn’t time for things like that right now.

“Alright, I hear you. Dismissed.”

You snorted at the overenthusiastic salute the cadet made, before marching off to the left. He couldn’t have been any older than seventeen, poor kid.

Levi stood with a sigh, clearly not thrilled about the idea of a meeting, but you both knew what it was likely going to be about. You guessed neither of you had confirmed you’d go along with Hange.

“Guess you’ve been summoned,” you raised a brow as he walked around the desk, watching his hard expression set. You stood, catching him before he walked off and pressing your thumb in the crease between his brows, smoothing the tension from his face. “You can’t get this grumpy every time you’re called away.”

Levi huffed, though appreciating the attempt you made to caress away his stress. “When we don’t have a lot of time together anyway, I think I'm perfectly entitled to get this grumpy when it’s cut short.”

You grinned, pressing a kiss to his forehead. “Can’t argue with that. Make sure you let him know, hm?”

He rolled his eyes, though a smile still pulled at his lips. He masked it by moulding them into yours. “See you later.” He murmured, giving your arm a quick squeeze before he headed out the door. You hated how much you missed his presence when he was gone.

The pendulum clock on the wall ticked by for all of five minutes before a lead balloon of dread sank into the depths of your stomach. His voice was instantly in your head.

–What? What’s wrong? You alright?–

–Levi…?–

–What?!–

–Your neck.–

Silence. You didn’t hear anything for what felt like an eternity, before his single word response had you cackling.

–Fuck.–

When the blanket of night settled over the world and a slight chill blew in the wind, you hugged your jacket closer around your shoulders, trying to stave the cold from getting to your bones. Though you’d healed fairly well, your leg still sang a melancholy song of pain with each step you took, earning yourself a slight limp. Your other wounds had healed nicely, slices closing up from your brow to your stomach. It was only really your leg that posed a problem now, though you’d been left with some pretty heft scars. Nothing new.

Walking through the courtyard, soldiers were busying themselves with packing supplies, crates of metal canisters, spare blades, boxes of field rations all being loaded onto various carts. You’d hidden it from Levi, but you intended to go with the group to search the wall. Orders be damned, you weren’t about to sit back and let everyone else do the work for you. You were physically incapable of doing that, and you also knew Levi would overestimate your ability to put sensibility above recklessness. Besides, you weren’t exactly lying…

You just hadn’t admitted the entire truth to him yet. Though it still weighed on you as a betrayal of his trust. Plus it actively drained you to hide things in your mind from him, which you guess made sense. It went against everything the bond was about.

Being caught up in thought, you didn’t see a blonde boy crossing paths with you from the right, almost crashing straight into him. It was only because you heard Eren’s voice and looked up because of it did you manage to stop the collision.

“Shit, sorry kid, you alright?” you asked, looking back to see where he could have possibly come from.

“Ah, yeah, I-I’m okay! Sorry, wasn’t looking where I was going,” he explained sheepishly, and you couldn't help but notice a weird resemblance to Erwin. Though this kid’s hair was longer, they had the same star-seeing eyes.

“Nah, you’re good. Totally my fault, though you looked as deep in thought as I was. Something on your mind?” you don’t really know what prompted you to ask, but he just looked so troubled, you couldn’t help yourself.

“O-oh! No it’s nothing. Just… thinking about the Titan in the walls… and how he got there.”

You let your mind run for a bit, before finally, realising who the kid was. Were you getting slow in your old age?

Nah, that can’t be right. You weren’t that old for fuck’s sake.

“Ahh, you must be Armin, right? Eren’s friend?” you asked, earning yourself a look of surprise. “Vice Captain of the Levi Squad, looks like I’ll be riding with you guys.” In an instant, Armin’s fist thumped against his chest in a salute of respect.

“Ma’am! I wasn’t certain at first, but I thought it might have been you. It’s a pleasure to meet you,”

You waved off the salute, unable to help feeling as though you don’t deserve such a show of respect. Your squadmates were dead, afterall, you thought bitterly. “You’re fine, put that away, it’s not meant for me. You’re the one who had the theory about Annie, right?” You asked, now walking alongside the kid to where his friends were already in the cart.

“Uh, sort of. It was really Commander Erwin and Section Commander Hange, I just suggested who it could be, it wasn’t–”

“Thank you, Armin. I los–” you stopped yourself. This poor kid didn’t need to hear about who you lost to that monster. “A lot of good soldiers died because of her. You helped us take a huge step in this fight for humanity,” Keeping your voice steady despite wanting to scream inside was something you’d become very good at, likely since losing Ilse. “We owe a lot to you and your friends.”

“Haha, Mikasa and Eren did most of the heavy lifting, I just helped with figuring it out.”

He clearly wasn’t used to giving himself credit. If Levi were here, he’d say something stupid like–

–Doesn’t give himself enough credit huh? Sound familiar?–

You huffed, setting your jaw. How did he always know?

–I have no idea what you’re talking about– you bit back defensively. –No it does not sound familiar, thank you very much. And shouldn’t you be concentrating?–

Warm laughter filled your head, and you couldn’t help but let it consume you, thawing your frozen bones.

–Meeting’s finished. It was about what we thought. Coming up with Nick now. Just waiting on Hange.–

–You only talk in short sentences now? We’re not out in the field, we can talk in full sentences here–

You could hear him sigh almost in disappointment. A terrible dread obscured your thoughts. Did he know already? If he already knew, then this was about to be an awful conversation.

–You know, you’re not subtle. And I’m not stupid.–

–...Levi…–

–You know you can tell me these things, right?–

You muttered various curses, causing the poor young blond walking next to you to cast you a worried look. Shit. “Oh, no not you Armin. Just… remembering something. Don’t worry.”

“Oh… I see…” he responded awkwardly, clearly not knowing what else to say. It didn’t matter to you at the moment. Levi knew of your intentions to accompany the party to the walls, and also knew you’d kept it from him.

–I… yeah, I know. I just, I knew you would try to stop me. I know it’s not the smartest thing to do in my condition, and I know my orders, but I just… I can’t just sit and let everyone do everything around me. I can’t just stay out of it… you know that.– you confessed. Though you were surprised he was so accepting about it. Honestly you were kind of expecting him to go all protective Levi mode and start trying to talk you out of it.

–The fuck are you talking about? And what do you mean by ‘protective Levi mode’???–

Oh.

Shit.

–Wait. Was this not what you were talking about…?–

–...No.–

–Fuck.–

–Fuck indeed. We don’t have the time to talk about this now.–

–’Vi, I– –

–No. Later.–

Well fuck. That wasn’t exactly the best outcome. What the fuck could he possibly have been talking about if not that? Had he asked Erwin anything? Had he asked–

Then it hit you, a memory that didn’t belong to you.

“You spoke to her. Around the campfire that night. What did you say?” Levi asked, almost unable to look up from the floor. He was on his way out before Erwin called after him, just to wish him congratulations. It had been unexpected, but not unwelcome. But now he couldn’t even look at the man.

“Nothing of importance. Just congratulating her as well. And warning her from hurting you in any way,” he chuckled as if it were simply something trivial. “I know you’re strong, Levi, but I need you focused. Heartbreak doesn’t do much for a soldier’s motivation.”

“You know you can just say you were looking out for me, no need for this whole charade,” He rolled his eyes, finally recovering after getting slapped in the face yet again by the realisation that people cared for him. “What did she say in return?”

Erwin sighed, lacing his fingers in front of his nose in thought. “That it was one of her greatest fears, hurting you. And knowing you, you likely have the same thought, no?”

Levi tensed his jaw. He knew hurting each other was a fear within your relationship, considering recent events, but he didn’t know it was your greatest fear. Why hadn’t you told him? You’d told him everything else… right? He was snapped out of his thoughts by Erwin, clearing his throat.

“I see, I thought she would have told you. I apologise.”

That was all you saw, though it was enough. Not that you could register anything right now. You had so much going on. Too much going on, you couldn’t help but wonder how Eren coped with it all. The future of humanity used to lie on the shoulders of you, your squad and your Captain. Now you’d been unburdened with that demand, though it had been placed onto a child. How the fuck was that fair? And with the breach in Wall Rose, you were so sick of things going wrong it was starting to drive you up the fucking Walls. And now Levi knew you wanted to head out on the expedition later this evening. And from what you could tell, which was a lot, he didn’t seem too happy about it. Fuck this day.

You’d deal with it later. If Levi didn’t want to talk about it now, then you could certainly hold off. Nothing was about to change your mind, and you were content in your decision. You would go on the expedition and deal with the consequences when you came back. To hell with him.

“Great, what the hell does this mean?”

You were snapped out of your thoughts by Eren already in the wagon, loading up ODM gear and gas canisters. You felt for the kid. He’d only just discovered what he was and already so much had happened since. Barely having time to recover from the fight against Annie and now all his friends had to be sent away in case any more of them were fucking Titans?

“I don’t know… but they’re Titans, right? Would they seriously break through the Wall with Titans in it?” It was a good question, you had to admit. Armin’s mind was nearly as sharp as Hange’s, if only the kid had more self confidence, he could definitely gun for Commander in the next decade or so, providing he survived that long.

“Wouldn’t be the first time, right? They did it before.”

It took you a moment to leap onto Armin’s trail of thought, but once you were there, you understood perfectly. “No, they didn’t. That was a gate. They busted through the gate, not the wall.”

“Exactly, the Walls are different. They don’t have a single crack in them, no weak points other than the gates.” Walls this kid was smart. “There’s no signs of stress, and even stranger, there’s no way of knowing how they were built. They’re just solid walls of stone. No bricks, no nothing.”

“No nothing except Titans…” you knew where he was going with this.

“Armin, Lieutenant… what are you saying?” You couldn’t help but compare this situation to when you and Hange would be brainstorming and Levi would have no idea what you were talking about. Poor Mikasa.

“Suppose… suppose the Walls were made of the same stuff as Annie’s Titan crystal?” Armin posed.

You chewed on the suggestion for a moment. “She used that to cover her nape, right? And she trapped herself in it, so we know it’s versatile,”

“And it’s virtually indestructible, our blades breaking instantly upon impact…”

Stepping up into the wagon, you held your hand out to help Armin up, taking a seat opposite Eren, who looked utterly horrified.

“So… the Walls are made of Titans? Is that what you’re saying?” He asked, looking down at his own hands as if they were about to catch aflame.

“It’s just a theory at the moment, but–”

“It’s a solid one. We need to talk to Hange, and if there really is a breach in the Wall…”

The wagon jostled as you were moved into formation, but being so lost in thought you barely noticed. What the hell did this mean for humanity? Being protected by the very things that were trying to annihilate you all. And what would happen if the sun did hit them? What did Pastor Nick know that the rest of you were clueless about? And how was it that some preacher of the Walls knew? There were too many unknowns, it made you uneasy.

You vaguely registered Mikasa wrapping her cloak around Eren, muttering something about him getting cold. It was sweet, you thought, though it brought you back to the various things you didn’t know about your own bond, wondering if Mikasa knew that’s what had happened between her and Eren, given that it had actually happened, of course. But you’d heard about her uncanny sense whenever Eren was in danger, and thought back to how Levi had the same sense about you. You hoped, for her sake, Eren would realise one day.

“Sorry to keep you waiting! Didn’t think it would take so long to prepare.”

You stole your nerves to look their way, though you barely registered Hange’s cheerful wave over Levi’s glare of thunder. At least his heartbeat wasn’t out of sync with yours. So this could be fixed… right?

The wood creaked in protest as an additional three bodies crammed into the space, you shuffled up as much as you could, your body pressing against the side board as Levi took a seat next to you. You longed to press your face into his neck, but at the same time, you wanted to do anything but that. Joy, more conflicting feelings.

“But… but he’s a priest from the Order of the Walls… Why is he–”

“I know! Nick and I are inseparable now! It’s alright, makes sense he’s here, just like the rest of us. We’re all rather random.”

It was strange for Hange to make assumptions this way. Ths group was anything but random. “No. The opposite. Erwin’s thrown us together for a reason.” Though what those reasons were, Levi couldn’t hazard a guess. The man’s motives were always mysterious until the final moments, when all would be revealed. It was an irritating habit.

He needed to talk to you, finally realising what your intentions were, he couldn’t let you do this. You were still badly injured, and though you were recovering well, he knew your wounds were deeper than those surface level scratches. And if your stitches blew out in the field, you were dead. That was it. He couldn’t even believe you were considering this, let alone having made up your mind. It was stupid. Reckless. And downright selfish of you.

“The condition of Wall Rose is currently unknown, but everything up to Erhmich district is safe. That’s the path we’ll be taking. Move out!” Erwin’s voice boomed from the front of the formation, loud enough that you were certain the entirety of Trost would have heard the announcement of departure.

You stayed completely silent, debating more than ever what your next moves should be. How had things gone so damn badly? How had everything turned to shit so fucking quickly? It only felt like yesterday you were playing strip poker with your squad and now they were all fucking dead, two kids can turn into Titans and there was another fucking breach. You sighed, teeth gnawing at any loose bit of skin they could find on your lips. A habit you hadn’t indulged in a while.

“You heard him. Get going.” It was a weak hope that speaking up so suddenly would get you to stop tearing apart your lower lip, his own stinging with each pull. You bit down a little too hard as the wagon jostled to life, and Levi almost winced with the sharp hurt. You, on the other hand, didn’t look too bothered by it, taking the opportunity to suck on the blood like some little fucked up vampire. If he wasn’t furious with you right now, he would have taken your hand into his own, current company be damned.

He loosened a breath. Being angry with you was foreign and unknown and downright awful. He wanted to talk to you, to somehow ease the worries in your head, but he had no idea how to start a conversation with you at the moment. Not that he was ever very good with his words. Putting his opinions aside, Levi dropped his hand to brush against your arm.

Though when you flinched slightly, he wished lightning would strike him where he sat. You still refused to look at him, but he didn’t need to see your face to know you were radiating some kind of guilty resolve. You did nothing but continue to bite your lip, your fingers now tearing at your cuticles. He hadn’t seen you this stressed since you walked into his office and announced his squad would be helping Hange on their capture mission. Fuck that seemed like years ago now.

“Well I should probably explain what we know from our friend Nick here,” Hange began, clasping a firm, almost threatening arm around the man’s shoulders. “You see, it was Nick who told us to cover the Titan in the Wall, assuming it would move should sunlight hit it. Just how he knew this, we have yet to find out.” With a quick glance to the opposite three in the wagon, you could tell they were just as baffled as you all were.

“Wait wait wait, back up, this guy knew?! He knew and he said nothing!?” Eren exclaimed, leaning forward to almost throttle the man.

“Uh huh, ‘friad so. And unfortunately, that’s about all he’s said. But, we all know now, of course. He doesn’t wanna talk quite yet, but that’s likely to change with a harsh dose of reality. It’s his faith keeping him quiet, but first hand experience though, we–”

“To hell with that!”

You almost jumped at Eren’s shouting, standing and slamming his hands down on the table separating the two sides. Though if you were being honest, you missed the fighting talk from the kid. “If this son-of-a-bitch knows something, he needs to come out with it! We’re on the brink of extinction and he’s deciding to keep quiet about what he knows? Caring only about keeping some stupid oath?!” Eren’s tone only rose with each point he made, stopping only due to what you assumed was his exhaustion spiking a sudden headache. A hand braced against the side of his head, Mikasa guided him to sit back down.

“Take it easy Eren, you still haven’t fully recovered.” Oh she was so in love with him. It actually made you smile slightly, though it was short lived. Nothing lasts forever in the Scouts.

Your chest constricted at the thought, and you glanced down to see Levi’s balled fist.

And if you weren’t so busy wondering what the fuck you should do, you would have found him pulling a gun ridiculously attractive. What was wrong with you?

“There’s more than one way to get people to talk. Sure, I’m not exactly in top shape right now, but I know it doesn’t take much strength to pull a trigger. Having said that, I genuinely hope I won’t have to blow a hole in you to settle this. How ‘bout you?”

You once again cursed your current situation for not reacting after he’d just said maybe the single hottest thing you’d ever heard come from his mouth. If you weren’t in such emotional turmoil, you definitely would have started teasing him in front of everyone.

But you were drained, and any will you had to do so had drained also.

A brief silence settled in the wagon as everyone remembered that, sure he wasn’t on active duty right now, but they were still sitting in the presence of Humanity’s Strongest Soldier, and it was still intimidating.

Well, everyone except for Hange.

“Threatening him doesn’t work, Levi. I went to throw him off the top of Wall Sina. So trust me on that. And whether you agree with him or not, Nick here is a man of principle. Which has gotta make you think, if he’s so unwilling to talk, what in heaven’s name is he putting above the fate of humanity?”

Now that placed a blanket of silence over the wagon. Because it was one hell of a good question. What was he holding above the fate of the human race? What did he deem more important than humanity’s future?

With the conversation coming to a halt, you tilted your head back to the moonlit canopy overhead, rogue embers floating within the leaves without a care in the world. You wonder if they knew their life was short. If you knew they had these last few seconds of freedom before they faded to nothing, returning to whatever elements they were composed of. But isn’t that all anything was? A brief interval from the void of non-existence? You suddenly envied those embers. They’d never experienced grief, or heartbreak, or loss in any way. They burned, and they burned beautifully until their inevitable end. Which is all anyone could strive to do, you thought. Burn beautifully.

Despite the morbid nature of your thought trail, you smiled. Because you knew everyone around you was doing just that. Burning beautifully.

Levi had taken a whistlestop tour into your mind for a split second, just to see how you were holding up. What he wasn’t expecting, however, was for you to be having philosophical revelations over fire. At least you weren’t thinking about the mission he wasn’t about to let you go on. He’d take philosophy over that any day of the week.

Though his own tired head thought otherwise. Too much had happened to be entertaining your thoughts, so he returned to his own, only now noticing Hange staring unblinkingly at a rock. It was unusual for them to be doing unusual things, but at least it was a distraction from whatever the fuck was going on with you.

“Hey Four Eyes,” –He leaned forward slightly, looking past Nick to Hange still staring at the rock– “since when did you take an interest in geology? Or is your life so boring even rocks have become fascinating, looks like you’re about to drool.”

Hange looked up, as if they’d just been dragged from a good book. “Hm? Oh, this? It’s not a rock. At least, not an ordinary one. It’s a hardened piece of skin, left behind by the Female Titan.”

That caught your attention. Snapping out of your thoughts, you too turned to look at Hange, your expression mirroring Armin’s as he gasped slightly. “Wait, it didn’t vanish?” He asked, eyes wide with what you could only just discern as shocked intrigue.

“No! It broke off when she reverted back to her human form. It didn’t evaporate… didn’t simply go poof,” Their enthusiasm for the conversation only increased tenfold, and you could tell as soon as they started to use onomatopoeias. “Which got me thinking… and when I compared it with a piece from the Wall, its texture and molecular structure were, for all intents and purposes, virtually identical. So basically speaking–”

“We’re being protected by the very things that are trying to devour us, only ten times bigger than average.” You finished, glancing between Armin and Hange. You’d already had a conversation like this with the blond, but now at least you knew Hange had the same theory.

“Exactly, and if my hypothesis is correct, the Walls were constructed using consolidated Titan skin.” Hange confirmed, to the disgusted horror of the opposite three.

“You’re kidding… that’s what Armin and the Lieutenant were just talking about.” Mikasa observed, wide eyed. But she wasn’t wrong. That was exactly what you and Armin were discussing. Honestly, not to be condescending to the girl, but you were impressed she was following.

Armin once again gasped, shooting forward in his seat. “So then–” he began, only to be rudely cut off by Hange’s hand to his face.

Unfortunately for them, you’d just had exactly the same revelation. You borderline launched across Levi, slamming your hand down on the table. “You want to–”

However, you too received a Hange hand to the face.

“Easy there you two, it’s rude to steal somebody else’s thunder dontcha know. As it stands, we’d be hard pressed to find a rock large enough to seal Wall Rose again. It would have to be just the right shape and size, and we don’t have specifics yet,”

You fought to free yourself from Hange’s grip, desperate to contribute to the solution and listening to Armin frantically try and talk through their other palm.

“On the other hand, where there’s a will, there’s a way. Just picture it, Eren using his own hardening ability whilst in Titan form!” They revealed, finally releasing both you and the blond from their hands. You shook your head slightly, instantly wiping your face because heaven knows where Hange’s hands had been.

Frowning, you slouched back in your seat, folding your arms. You thought of that too.

“Then I could… patch the hole.” Eren came to the realisation much slower than you and Armin, though you guessed, since this actually concerned him and it was all incredibly new for him, he had other things to think about.

“The sealant should be composed of the same material, and, like with Annie’s crystal, it shouldn’t disappear once you revert to human. This might be less of a long shot than it sounds. Whaddya think?”

If Levi was given a coin for every time you and Hange got carried away in conversation to the point where he could no longer follow, he could retire within the next year. However with this boy genius now added to the mix, he realised where this was going only a few moments before Eren did. Though your pouting did almost make him laugh. He knew you would have wanted to jump in, because he knew you would have been right there with Hange’s theory. He knew you were smart enough. And he hoped that was good enough for you.

“The greater the risk, the greater the reward,” You leaned forward again, clearly having gotten over your petulance.

“And if we can patch up Wall Rose… then Wall Maria starts to look fairly promising. And vital though it is, the outposts infrastructure slows us down to a crawl,” Armin continued, and Levi couldn’t help but find it a little weird how he was now finishing your sentences.

“The time and resources needed to transport materials are immense,” and vice versa, he discovered as soon as you took off from where he left. This was getting ridiculous.

“But… if we can nullify the necessity for supply wagons, we could get to Shiganshina much faster… And what if we decided to carry out the plan at the dead of night?!” Armin posed, stony determination written on his face. You couldn’t help but smile slightly, having found yourself on the exact same wavelength.

“Night?” It was Hange now who was having trouble keeping up, and though you felt the urge to explain, they had a point earlier. Stealing somebody else’s thunder was rude, and you realised Armin needed all the confidence boosts he could get.

“Yes! When the Titans are more or less motionless!” He finished, clearly waiting with some kind of validation on his theoretical plan.

“Huh… that’s not bad. In fact, it’s genius, particularly if the group is small enough to slip on by undetected.” –Hange looked back down at the small crystal in their hand– “The straits we’re in are about as dire as they come, but this could turn the tides completely.”

“We have to bear in mind though, this entire plan hinges on whether or not Eren can seal the hole again.” You really did hate to be the one to throw a bucket of cold water on the atmosphere, especially when you saw Armin’s proud smile falter slightly, but he knew as well as you did it was a good point.

Hange looked across to Eren, who you could see was visibly sweating despite the slight chill of the night. “It’s probably unfair of me to even ask but… do you think you can?” They asked, brows pinching in slight sheepish guilt.

The wagon once again fell silent as all eyes fell to the teen who wasn’t looking at any of you. Once again, you could tell he was feeling the weight of the future on his shoulders, and your heart constricted for him. Ever since that night after you’d almost killed him, when he’d accidentally turned Titan and scared the ever loving shit out of you and your squad, you’d found a new respect for him. Having now understood the burdens of Humanity’s Strongest Soldier, you could only imagine what Eren was going through.

“What he thinks really isn’t the problem here,” Levi finally found his voice, having been in complete awe of you and the way your mind worked. “You either will, or you won’t. That’s the reality of the situation. Our comrades are breaking their backs, but without you, it’s pointless. Failure here isn’t an option.”

You knew he was right. You knew he was just adding gravity where the rest of you had lost it, bringing the conversation back down to earth, but did he really have to be so stern? So pressuring?

–I think he knows how important this is. Stop adding unnecessary weight.– You couldn’t help yourself, a weird kind of protective nature coming over you. You saw out of your peripheral his hands balling into fists.

–So now you wanna talk?–

–You were the one who shut down the conversation, not me. I was just doing what you asked.–

Levi’s frustrated sigh blew about your head, before the tension was broken by Eren’s desperate enthusiasm to prove himself. “Sir! I know, and I’m prepared to do whatever it takes… that’s a promise.”

There and then, you could see just how heavy his memories were. You understood his guilt because you understood Levi’s guilt. You knew he felt every single life lost around him, because he was supposed to be strong enough to move forward. He was supposed to be strong enough to protect people, to take the hits when nobody else could.

“My father’s cellar…” You tilted your head to one side, willing to put your current feud away and glance at Levi, who glanced back at you, before you both looked back at Eren, awaiting an explanation. “That’s… that’s where the answers are. If there was even a grain of truth in what he told me, everything depends on us making it there.”

You didn’t have time to wonder what the hell that meant, before Hange announced your location; “Well, here’s Ermich.”

Nerves bubbled in your gut, this being the place where you knew you were about to have the biggest argument in your relationship. You felt Levi tense next to you, knowing he was thinking the same thing. But neither of you were backing out of this, that much was clear.

Hopping out of the wagon, you chose to ignore the slight bite in your thigh from your injuries, taking a moment to stretch out your back. You noticed Levi had already set off with Nick, and though you weren’t alone with Hange, you were still going to take this opportunity to talk with them. “Hey, Hans?”

Once again, like a breath of fresh air, Hange beamed at you, despite the previous conversation in the wagon. “What’s up? The atmosphere there was kinda frosty for a second huh? That Armin kid though… he’s pretty damn smart, and to come up with a plan for Shiganshina so quickly… I reckon he’d make a pretty great Commander one day.” They started off on their own conversation as the two of you made your way through Ermich district.

“Yeah, we’d had a brief conversation before the journey about the Walls and the Titans inside and such, we pretty much came to the same conclusion.” You defended stiffly, only to Hange’s delight.

“Awww, jealous I got there before you? Sorry sunshine, only a few have brains like these!” They skipped, and you genuinely couldn’t understand how their demeanour could shift so quickly and so dramatically. Though, you remembered a time where Levi said that about you, how you could shift your personality from casual to professional in the blink of an eye.

You grit your teeth. Thinking about him hurt.

“Yeah yeah, whatever. I just wanted to let ya know that I’ll likely be joining you on the mission.” You tried to mention it as nonchalantly as you possibly could, but no amount of casualness could have warned them of that.

Hange stopped in their tracks. “Aren’t you supposed to be off active duty for the time being?”

“I can stand, can I not? And I’m walking, am I not? I don’t have a good reason to be resting.” You defended adamantly. You knew this was exactly what Levi was going to say as well, so you’d already come up with arguments.

“Does Levi know?” They asked softly, and when you didn’t respond, Hange placed a hand on your shoulder. “I was wondering what had happened between you two, things seemed different in the wagon than they were this morning. Don’t solidify anything yet. Wait until you talk with him. I’d say we have roughly half an hour turnover. If you’re still set after talking to him, I’d be happy for the help.”

“You know, he doesn’t make my decisions for me.” You tried to keep the venom from your voice, but failed miserably. Hange knew, of course. They knew this wasn’t coming from a place of rage or anger with them.

“He’s your Captain. He technically does.”

“My Captain, huh? Of what squad, Hange?” It was a brutal blow, and had it been anyone else you were talking to, you know they would have walked away by now, either your glare or the toxicity in your tone causing them to leave. However, this was Hange. Hange who knew both yourself and Levi, sometimes better than you knew each other. Hange, who knew grief just as well as you did, and still managed to do everything they could. Hange, who also had friends out there in the field right now, and who hadn’t heard from them in hours, and didn’t know if they were still alive.

They squeezed their calming hand on your shoulder. “Speak to Levi first, as a favour to me.”

You sighed, feeling the tension sapping from your spine, knowing they were right. “Fine, but I’ve made up my mind.”

Hange smiled in understanding, continuing on their path with you by their side. “I know you have, but if you sneak out and Levi knows I knew, I won’t live to see the sunrise.”

Huffing a chuckle, you nodded in agreement. That was likely true, unfortunately for the both of you. Glancing back, you watched the three behind you for a brief moment. Watched as Mikasa tried to wrap Eren’s cloak back around his shoulders, to the teen’s dismay, whilst Armin tried to calm the two of them down and stop their bickering. It was a sickening reminder that, after everything, they were still just kids.

“It’s sad. Not only was their childhood cut short, but now they hold the weight of the future on their shoulders. Eren specifically, but you can see it on Armin and Mikasa too. The way they care so much for him, but he feels the need to do everything alone. It’s so lonely.” You thought aloud, cracking your neck to the side.

“You sound like you're speaking from experience.” Hange observed, glancing down to you with an eye raised.

“Not quite. But I know how it is for Levi. I know that, even given the chance to, he would rather die than pass his title on to somebody else. Not for any sort of pride reasons, but because he wouldn’t want that burden to befall another soul. He carries it because he knows it’s necessary to do so, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t heavy.” It was a losing battle, keeping your frustration from bubbling to the surface. On the outside, it just seemed like you were explaining something not many people would have an insight into. On the inside, however…

You wanted to scream.

Despite the morbid display in front of him, hundreds upon hundreds of people having lost their homes due to the recent breach, Levi couldn’t help but listen to your conversation with Hange. To be understood on such a fundamental level was still incredibly new for him, so to hear your voice exactly how he felt a majority of the time…

It solidified his need to stop you from going on this mission.

“You know him well, huh?” This was a side to Hange you didn’t see very often. The softer, more sentimental side to the ‘mad scientist’ everyone knew. It was part of the reason you liked them so much.

“And you know why, so you don’t need to act clueless.” Once again you came incredibly close to telling them everything, but you held off. Despite there being a small rift between the two of you at the moment, you knew that was something you needed to discuss with Levi.

You both climbed the steps into the barracks, hearing Eren, Mikasa and Armin still behind you.

“Hey Eren!” Hange gestured for the teen to join them, and so you took a step back, allowing them to have their conversation without interference. “Once we leave Ermich, we’ll be in Titan territory for sure.”

“Think you’re well enough to ride a horse yet?”

You’d almost completely forgotten Moblit was on this expedition, considering he didn’t ride with you in the wagon. It was only now did you see Hange relax slightly, having not even noticed they were slightly tense. You half smiled with the realisation.

And it was now you really missed being on good terms with your partner. Because you knew he would have had something to say about that.

“Yeah, it shouldn't be too much of a problem.” Eren responded, though he sounded exhausted.

“Saddle up then soldier, there’s one waiting for you on the left lift.” You thought a lot about the shift you and Hange could perform between professional and casual, though you’d never considered how different Moblit was behind closed doors. You guessed, when he didn’t have the pressure of being Hange’s right hand man, he could well and truly relax.

Though the only visual indication you had was Hange’s widening eyes, you’d already felt Levi’s growing presence behind you. You turned, seeing almost exactly what you predicted, only Nick looked more remorseful than he did in your mind’s eye. You couldn’t tell if that was a good thing or a bad thing.

“Section Commander, we’re pressed for time!” Moblit called out as Hange jogged back past you.

“Gimme a second will ya?” They called back, before addressing Nick. “So, you seen the light yet by any chance?”

If you took a shot for every time silence had settled it’s blanket over your group today, you’d likely be in the medical wing. The air was charged as you all waited for Nick’s response, before realising he was going to hold his tongue. And finally, finally, Hange had enough. “Goddamnit! This isn’t some fucked up spiritual test, real human lives are on the line here so make up your mind!”

And for the first time since he sat his holy ass on that cart, Nick spoke; “Alas, I have no choice. None of us, not myself nor the others who believe are at liberty to divulge the truth.”

Ooo did you want to punch his teeth in. You knuckled itched to be thrust through his jaw.

“Well fat lot of you help you were! Thanks ever so much for keeping us company, it’s been a fucking joy!” It took all of your willpower to, despite your situation, stifle your laughter at their sarcastic rage as they abruptly turned on their heels and started to stomp away.

“I would offer my help if I could, but a duty as great as this one is beyond me. The Order of the Walls abides by the sacred will our faith commands us to obey.” He seemed so solemn you almost pitied the man. Almost.

“Who’s sacred will? You mean like God or something?” Hange questioned with no small degree of snark.

“I can’t answer that.” God fucking damnit! “But… what I can do is provide you with a name. An individual the sacred will and it’s divine wisdom instructed us to monitor.”

You couldn’t tell if he was using way too many words in sentences deliberately, or whether or not that was seriously the title they gave the head of their religion. “Monitor?” You asked aloud, glancing at Hange who nodded in approval. That was clearly their next question.

Nick sighed before continuing on. “It’s a person you know. Someone who enlisted in the Scout Regiment as of this year. A child by the name of–”

“Important message!” The pastor was drowned out by the arrival of a messenger loudly announcing her presence. She didn’t even stop to knock or read the room, just barged straight in with her agenda. But that didn’t stop you or your companions to hear the name he’d just uttered. Christa Lenz. “I’m with the 104th Cadet Corps. Oh and my name is Sasha Braus!”

You blinked in surprise, finally turning your head to look at the girl. You still didn’t really know the 104th that well, only really being well acquainted with Eren, for obvious reasons. But you knew of Sasha, and you’d heard her speak before. However the accent you’d previously noticed seemed to have vanished into thin air. Interesting.

“No way…”

“Wait, who?”

Sasha strode up to Hange, scroll in hand. “This is for you, Section Commander.” Though she was completely ignored, the room’s attention now being completely on the Pastor.

“You must find her with all haste. She is the key. She may know things we understand, but poorly.” You glanced to Hange, who mirrored your look. Who the fuck was this girl, and more importantly, who was she to Eren, Armin and Mikasa for them to be so floored by this? “And with that, we come to the end of what I am free to share with you. The rest I leave in your capable hands.”

“Wait, if she’s in the 104th… she’d be on the front lines by now.” You realised, wide eyes flicking between Hange and Nick.

“Then let’s go! We’re already pressed for time, we don’t have any to lo–” Though you admired Eren for his gung-ho attitude, you admired him less when he didn’t look where he was going and ran straight into poor Sasha who had been waiting incredibly patiently with her scroll, sending her crashing to the ground.

“Watch where you’re going!” Hange called out, the room’s attention shifting to the poor girl on the floor.

“Sasha?!”

“Just where did you come from all of a sudden?” Mikasa asked, and you couldn’t help but raise a brow. Had nobody else heard the girl enter? Seriously?

Once again you wished you could talk to Levi about this, but he’d been silent in your head since the wagon. You kept your sigh internal.

As if remembering she was here for a purpose and not just to lie on the floor, Sasha gasped, snatching up the parchment that had fallen from her hands and barrelling through her three friends toward Hange. “I was sent to deliver a message to the Commander, who then entrusted me to get this to you Section Commander!” The girl spoke without breathing, and you absently wondered if this was her first time delivering a message. Before realising that yeah, this was most likely her first time delivering a message.

Good for her.

The girl borderline folded in half at the waist as she bowed, holding the scroll out for Hange with both open palms. You stifled a snort, pretending to pick at your lips to hide your smile.

Levi had been borderline completely silent throughout this entire exchange, not having much to say. However, that didn’t mean his eyes didn’t work. He noticed every little thing you did, every little micro-expression you made, whether it be concern, confusion, determination, and now hidden amusement. It warmed him that you could still smile at things, despite everything.

“Uh, okay then… excellent work!” Hange seemed a little taken aback by the girl’s formal enthusiasm, but swiftly replaced the scroll with a baked potato from the supply crate, and you watched as Sasha all but melted on the spot, before taking one of the largest bites you’d ever seen a human being take out of anything, half wondering if she had Titan genes.

“So, who the hell was Nick talking about?” You turned your attention back to the conversation at hand, asking the three who already seemed to know her what was on everyone else’s minds.

“She was the smallest one in our class,” Eren answered, crouching to secure his boots.

“Golden hair, blue eyes. In fact… she was kinda cute.” You had to double take to make sure you actually heard that correctly.

“The girl who’s always hanging around Ymir.” Mikasa clarified, and you looked at Hange just as their eyes widened.

“Wh– Excuse me?” That had triggered something in their brain, but whatever that may have been, you guessed you would find out at a later date. Another quick glance around the room told you nobody else had quite had that same reaction. But that’s normal for Hange.

You watched them stare in contemplation for a moment, before brushing off whatever they were thinking, clearly filing it away for later. But with everyone standing around, it was starting to irritate you that nothing was being done. “Alright, no point in doing nothing, start loading up supplies onto the lifts.” It was better than nothing, right? And it was nice to know people still regarded you with some kind of authority, as footsteps instantly started echoing off the stone walls. Hange helpfully took a seat on one of those crates, pulling at the string from around the paper handed to them by Sasha. Glancing to a smaller box of food to your left, you carried it under your arm, handing it off to Moblit who nodded at you in thanks.

“That the background report?” You asked, leaning against their shoulder slightly, skim-reading the first few paragraphs.

“Yeah… yeah it is.”

“Background report?” Eren asked, his head almost comically popping up from behind one of the crates he was trying to lift.

“Ah, yeah. I asked for a background report on Annie Leonhart. It was a lot slower than I was hoping for, what with paper trails being a total catastrophe at the moment, but according to this, there were two other cadets in the 104th who came from the same area. One Reiner Braun and Bertholdt Hoover.” Hange looked up from their paper, surveying the three before them. You, however, turned to Sasha, who’d looked as if she’d seen a ghost.

Too many revelations in one night. Too much information revealed in such a short amount of time. Levi kept his eye on Eren, the boy already having suffered enough. And no, whilst his own comments didn’t help settle the teens nerves, he also knew what was necessary to get through to him. He didn’t want to have to keep jabbing at him, and if this mission wasn’t so crucial, he wouldn’t have to. But with this perhaps being the only shot at sealing the wall they would get, he didn’t regret being harsh on him. Even if it had earned him some dirty looks from you.

Hange continued; “Don’t have many records about them, and any records we do have are unreliable, thanks to the chaos five years ago. However…” Placing the paper down on a makeshift table, Hange pointed to the skeleton of the scouting formation, “We do know in the long range scouting formation, their unit was given false information, among those intentionally misled into thinking Eren was in the right wing.” You felt a migraine coming on, your head starting to pulse ever so slightly, which considering your situation and circumstances, you couldn’t be surprised.

Though, out of instinct, your eyes slid to Levi and his surroundings, just to make sure it wasn’t the bond telling you he was in some kind of danger. Which, taking note of what was next to and behind him, he wasn’t. Just a normal migraine. You didn’t know which was worse at this point. At least you could do something about him being in danger.

–What?– Walls, he still sounded irritated.

–Nothing. Just a headache.– You weren’t about to admit that you were staring at him to make sure he was okay. If you were anything, you were petty.

Levi already knew about the headache, he could feel it himself. He also knew why you suddenly looked over at him. He hated that his heart softened slightly. He was still livid with you for fuck’s sake. But the way you instantly looked to make sure he wasn’t in harm’s way…

How was he supposed to be okay with you riding to battle without him by your side?

“Wait just a second… that’s the section Annie attacked!” Armin realised, causing Sasha to almost break her neck by whipping her head to look at him.

“What? What does that mean?” She asked, barely able to keep her voice from shaking.

“Well… it’s entirely plausible that they told her where they thought Eren was…”

“Huh…? But why would they do that…?” The poor girl asked, her head tilted to one side. You thought she was kind of sweet, in her own way.

Glancing to Hange, who had already put the pieces together before you, they nodded in confirmation to where you’d just ended up with your thoughts. Reiner Braun and Bertholt Hoover were the most possible candidates for the Armoured and Colossal Titans.

“Where are you going with this Armin? You can’t just accuse–” Eren started what clearly was about to become a heated argument, before he was interrupted by the scientist at your side.

“I totally agree. There’s a difference between coincidence and correlation,” –but didn’t they just confirm your thoughts?– “However, I’m curious to know how the three interacted whilst training. So? What can you tell me?”

As per usual, it was Armin who spoke first. “I knew Reiner and Bertholdt were from the same region as Annie, but honestly? They never seemed that friendly toward each other.”

“Same here,” Eren continued. “You wouldn’t really catch them idly chatting away, and even when they did talk, it was usually curt. It wasn’t like Annie was very social to begin with.”

You tried to stop your bubbling hatred at the way they were talking about the Female Titan as if she were a normal human girl, and not some twisted psychopath who’d ripped your family to shreds. But it was proving difficult.

“Yeah… at meals, she seemed to prefer eating by herself. I don’t know…” Sasha thought for a moment, before her face lit up and she slapped her own fist, an idea popping into her head. “Oh! I think I've got something that struck me as weird at the time!”

Okay. Sweet? Yes. Any sense of urgency or necessary words in a sentence? No.

“I heard she liked sweets!”

Seriously? You sighed heavily.

“I’ve got nothing…” Mikasa began, before her eyes lit up slightly too. You guessed that was her own version of slapping her hand in realisation. “Except maybe that–”

“Guys, what are we doing? These are our friends we’re talking about. Our comrades. Sure, Bertholdt never has a lot to say, but Reiner’s like everyone’s big brother, ya know?”

No, actually, you wouldn’t know. You had a little brother, and you couldn’t remember a single thing about him. Not even his face. Not even his name.

“You really think he’s capable of lying to us?” Eren finished with a surprising amount of conviction for someone who’d seen first hand the devastation the Female left in her wake.

“Not only that,” you chimed in. “But how would Leonhart have known to change course? Hange said that unit was fed false intel, so how could she possibly have known where we actually were?” It was a question more to provoke thought than to disprove theories, to get further answers flowing, because how could she have known?

“You both have a point. Reiner fought Annie with everything he had. Almost got himself squeezed to a pulp in the process. And as for–” Armin stopped dead in his tracks, as if remembering something.

“Armin?” You prompted, causing the blond to raise his head again.

“He broke free at the last minute… but afterwards, Annie changed her course. In fact, she ran straight toward where you were. I briefly mentioned that you were most likely towards the centre rank but there was no way she could possibly have heard me. She wasn’t in earshot at the time, I’m sure of it.” For someone who’s words carried such conviction, Armin really had to work on his tone sounding unsure of himself. His mind truly was brilliant, as was his memory, it seemed.

“Do you remember if he seemed overly interested in Eren’s location?” You pressed, knowing you were almost to the bottom of how the fuck Leonhart found your squad. And with what looked like dawning realisation, you knew you had your answer.

“Oh no… the only reason I brought it up was because Reiner asked where Eren might be…” You had to fight the instinct to cross the room and envelope the kid in a hug. This wasn’t his fault, he had no way of knowing. You of all people could understand misplaced blame, and you knew he’d be blaming himself. “There’s… something else. Once he broke free, she stood there staring at her palm, possibly–”

“Looking at whatever Reiner had just carved into it with his blades, right?” You felt the familiar fire of battle rise in your gut, now more ready than ever to take on the fucker who lead your friends straight to their deaths.

Armin nodded in confirmation and with a hint of what you thought was gratitude that he didn’t have to say it out loud. “Maybe… maye Reiner is…”

The room fell stagnant, Levi briefly noticing that you could hear the whispers of the dead if you listened hard enough. He could feel your iron determination in his stomach and it only worsened his pool of dread. Convincing you not to do this might be harder than he initially thought.

“What is wrong with you all…?” Eren began, looking desperately between his friends. “This is Reiner we’re talking about. The man’s been with us from the beginning. You don’t just–”

“Enough!” Hange interrupted, commanding an impressive amount of the room’s attention with one order. You couldn’t help but admire them briefly. “All of you, listen up. If you cross paths with the pair in question, don’t give them any indication of what we’ve discussed, okay? And under no circumstances are you to bring up Annie Leonhart in their company. Before we can ascertain whether or not they were co-conspirators, we must find, lure and contain them underground. That’s the plan, are we clear?”

The room was a well orchestrated chorus of “Yes, clear.” before once again soldiers started busying themselves around you.

“Right, we have to go. Now!” The sheer, stony determination in Eren’s voice brought a flare of pride to your chest. He’d just found out the entire room was suspecting one of his greatest friends as an enemy of humanity and he was still as ready as ever to gallop off into action.

“Calm down, Eren.”

How many times had you heard those words in exactly that tone? You glanced back to see Levi looking between the three, a hand still clasped at the jacket around his shoulders. “I need you all to listen. This is where we separate. Erwin had his reasons for throwing this rag-tag squad together, but right now this is all riding on you.”

You wanted to slap him. As if the kid needed any more fucking pressure.

“Armin, you and Hange are the brains. Use your combined knowledge to cook us up some kind of solution,” He barely waited for a response from the blond before moving on. “Mikasa, I don’t think I’ll ever understand why you’re so attached to this guy in particular but put your skills to good use. Protect him at all costs.”

Your suspicions about her own bond only solidified with her answer. “Sir, I intend to.” You could see how her and Levi were related in some way.

“And you,” he turned to Eren and you saw him flinch slightly. You imagined not many people could make him flinch, having a fighting spirit like his, but you also weren’t too surprised that one of those few people just so happened to be your partner. “Don’t fuck this up.”

Great. Now you wanted to kick him as well.

“Check your emotions, Eren,” you clenched your jaw when Levi glanced at you with a look of purpose only you could see. “Learn the meaning of the word restraint. If you let yourself succumb to blind rage all hope is lost. We can’t afford another mistake.” You borderline snarled as you felt each one of his words against your gut. You fucking knew he wasn’t just talking to Eren. You knew he was sending those messages to you too. But you weren’t succumbing to blind rage. For the first time since that day, you were seeing clearly. You knew what you had to do. This wasn’t some passionate, miscalculated display of fury. This was what was necessary in order for yourself, and humanity, to move on.

“Alright everyone, we move out in five. Everyone, check your gear and any supplies you think you’ll need!” Moblit called out above the slight din. And so you left down the steps to do just that. To find a quiet room to check your gear and engage in possibly the hardest fight in your life so far.

Because there was only one thing more terrifying than a Titan, and he just so happened to be the other half of your soul.

You heard him before you saw him, uneven, thunderous footsteps echoing down the hallway before Levi’s hand slapped the door so hard you felt the tingles of pain in your own palms. Those extra few seconds gave you time to prepare for whatever was about to happen.

He slammed the door behind him, rending not the jumped response he was expecting from you. That did not bode well.

“You’re not going.”

“You physically cannot stop me.”

“It’s an order.”

You stopped fastening the belts to your thighs, savouring the sharp burn over your stitches. “Then I guess this is insubordination.” You responded firmly, before moving onto the next strap. You’d made up your mind. You were going, and that was final.

“You’re fucking kidding me, right? Were you not listening?”

“Nope. You can’t stop me doing this, ‘Vi. Nothing can stop me from doing this. If this is a step closer to understanding what’s going on, then I have to help them take it.”

“Even if that means risking your life?”

You scoff, not looking up from the straps on your legs. Though you weren’t doing a lot with them, just mindlessly checking them with faux importance. “Levi, every step outside those walls we risk our lives. Why is this any different?”

“Fuck, do I really have to spell it out for you?”

“You’re asking me to put this relationship above fighting for humanity?”

“Yes!” He answered before even thinking about it.

You both fell silent, staring at each other. Because in the end, that’s what this came down to. Choosing between him or humanity. You always thought you would choose him. Fuck the world, fuck the Titans, fuck everything. It could all burn if it meant you could stay with him.

But that was before Levi gave you a reason to keep fighting. If anything, he only had himself to blame. “You of all people should know that’s not possible.” It was a spiteful, venomous jab of a comment, but there was no room left for sympathy in you right now. “There has to be meaning…” you whispered, and you could feel him stop, the fight draining from his heart.

“There will–”

“No. There won’t. Not if I don’t make sure of it. You told me… you told me we keep fighting to give their deaths meaning. So let me fight. Please, Levi. I have to. Because I don’t know how the fuck I’m supposed to continue if everytime I get hurt I fucking hide. If I can walk, I can fight.

“And I’m walking pretty damn well.”

Levi ran a hand through his hair. He knew this would happen eventually. Knew there would be a time where you would have to run into a battle without him, it was inevitable in the Scouts, and he was only human.

But not yet.

Not now.

He thought you were fucking dead days ago. He thought he’d lost you. Having you close was the only way of knowing you weren’t dead. The bond hadn’t helped that day, what had helped was seeing you alive.

What if he never saw you alive again?

“I can’t let you do this… If something happened and I wasn’t there–”

“Then you’d be dead too, so it doesn’t matter anyway.”

Silence.

“How can you fucking say that…? How can you say that after what happened…? We don’t even know if that’s how it works and you’re still willing to risk it?” It was a kind of betrayal Levi didn’t think he’d ever felt before. Because this was you choosing to go away. You were choosing to leave him behind and risk the bond, risk him. Because no matter what happened, bond or no bond, if you died, he would die too.

You’d been too caught up in your grief to really think about it. Being the one to almost die, the one unconscious, you hadn’t thought about what it was like for him, hearing your voice fade from his head, feeling your presence disappear from within his chest. You hadn’t thought about it, and your constant companion of guilt thrived because of it.

“Levi…”

“Don’t. That doesn’t matter.”

You tried to reach for him, but he stepped back. “You know, Erwin told me what you said your biggest fear was. Was it a lie?”

Tears pricked your eyes, whether from the all too real wound burning on your thigh from how tight you’d pulled the strap, or the all too real wound burning in your heart, you couldn’t tell. “...No, ‘Vi. It wasn’t a lie.”

When he finally met your gaze, you had to look away. You’d never seen him look so vulnerable, so torn apart. “Then why are you doing this?”

Why were you hurting him so fucking badly?

“You know why.”

Because it would only get worse if you didn’t do this. And you would never be able to forgive yourself.

–I love you…–

“Then prove it…!” he begged, uncaring about the desperation breaking in his voice. “Stay…”

He knew the second he’d said it, you’d already made up your mind.

“...I can’t.”

His eyes widened slightly, taking a moment to comprehend what you’d just said and the meaning behind it.

“Then what are we still doing?”

Your entire world shattered with those words. You had no response, nothing to give him. You’d found yourself at a crossroads, two paths stretching either side.

“What do you mean…?” you asked, too afraid to raise your voice higher than a whisper.

Anger had fueled his words. Anger and hurt. He didn’t know how to get you to see, how to get you to back down from this. No amount of begging or pleading could get you to change your mind, so where was the point? His soul screamed at him to change his mind, but he ignored it. Wordlessly, Levi turned and left you there. For the first time in his life, he was walking away from you.

Gritting your teeth against your tears, it took you a second to push down your emotions. If you were really going to do this, you needed all your focus on the mission. Not on Levi. Wiping a stray tear from your cheek with the heel of your palm, you tried to pull on the bond between you, only to find no tension. He’d sealed his mind off from you, and you honestly couldn’t blame him.

You could fix this, right? You could… you could go on the mission, come back and talk about it, right? You had to. You didn’t have a choice.

With a tug of finality on the last buckle on your thigh, you stood. And with a resolve you didn’t know you could muster right now, you strode down a path, hoping to fuck it was the right one.

265 notes · View notes