gothstarbat

[gothstarbat]

It’s always “evil Superman!!!!” this, or “villain justice league!!!” that.

I want an AU of villain! Bruce who’s absolutely dog-shit at being evil.

Firstly: The worst thing he can think of doing is not donating to animal shelters or charities . immediately feels so guilty he throws up.

Secondly: The second a child cries because of him, he’d freeze up. Stand like a statue, unmoving and petrified. No more evil, but just today.

He ends up helping the city by accident more often than not, and to his immortal disappointment, Gotham loves both the Bat and Bruce Wayne.

“alfred come look at my evil plan”

“Yes, sir, “ Alfred is very indulgent. He does his best to pretend it’s actually good. “ ‘Don’t say please to the barista’. Getting bold, are we?”

EVERYTIME He and Clark meet and Bruce monologues about pulverizing him to dust, Clark (and the League) looks at him like this:

“I can make him worse,” GOOD FOR YOU!!! Clark can make him into his malewife and adopt his 7 evil sidekicks who actually know how to villain. Especially the little one.

[gothstarbat]

As Bruce grows older into his 50's or 60's the paparazzi and people crowding him becomes less and he thinks that people have finally decided that Bruce is too old to be attractive or mainstream and he's actually super fine with it and makes jokes( more like sarcastic remarks) about it. But in reality they've grown more freaky cause instead of looking wrinkly and a sappy old man the level of cunt he serves grows everyday,he doesn't look like a snack he looks like a buffet, 13 year olds are using his pics as the cover pages of their mafia wattpad stories, he looks majestic, absolute dilf, we don't talk about the amount of tags he's birthed just by ageing on ao3, and hes still an absolute UNIT, the reason he's not heard about it yet cause the batkids are blocking the shit OUT with all of their will and strength cause it doesn't matter if all of them are full grown adults they're still all like-THATSMYDADGETAWAYFROMHIMHEDOESN'THAVETIMEFORYOUHESBUSYBEINGOURDAD

[gothstarbat]

Bruce Wayne is like a coconut, He's rough and has a hard shell on the outside, but has a soft and mushy inside, and to see it, you gotta bang that mf against the floor at least twice to it crack open and see it

[gothstarbat]

I just know that in-universe at some point someone snaps a pic of Superman carrying Batman or maybe with a hand on Batman’s shoulder with what looks like a death grip (clearly he’s not actually pressing too hard if Bruce’s bones are intact) and posts it online w the caption “relax bro ain’t nobody takin him from u” and half the league likes the post via their official social media accounts

[gothstarbat]

My headcanon is that Bruce has a secretary that handles all his meetings and plans and literally everything he has to do in WE, one day she forgets that Bruce has a meeting at 9:00 am sharp with some investors and while she runs towards his office elevator to stop him Bruce is already sipping his fourth coffee on the day, wearing a wrinkled shirt, with eyebags the size of tennis balls and tired of life, looking at the board of investors that he has stumbled apon in his office.

Bruce: ...

Investors: ...

Bruce: *sips coffee* You're not Lucius.

Investor 1: Mr. Wayne?

Bruce: wasn't the meeting on Wednesday?

Investor 2: Friday, Mr. Wayne.

Bruce: oh *sips coffee aggressively*

[gothstarbat]

Have you ever had that experience where you just stand in front of the mirror and try practising different types of smiles and gestures in case of needing to socialize and then feeling fucking silly?

Well, I like to imagine that Bruce also does it. He just stands in front of the mirror every morning before having to fight the world and practices that air-headed playboy smile until he has it perfected. Now imagine one of his kids walking into this routine, Bruce is shaking his head while murmuring to himself "no, not like this, wider, Bruce, wider" and suddenly looking up with a model worthy smile, a hand stretched towards his reflection and again looking down with a sigh "less teeth, come on Bruce, you can do it, show the Brucie you have inside" like it hurts his soul while his kids back pedal in confusion.

He comes down an hour later.

[gothstarbat]

If Jason was able to see ghosts and spirits it would be a threat to his sanity but not for the reasons you think....

_____________________________

Jason after answeringthe door in the middle of the night: I thought I told you not to step foot in crime alley

Bruce: oh I'm not in crime alley. I'm in the batcave

Jason: do you think I'm-

Bruce: I'm astral projecting

Jason: bruce idk what tarot reader you saw or what star sign-

Bruce: No, no. I mean I separated my mind from my body. so technically, I'm not here

Jason: You what? HOW??

Bruce: I learned it from the monks during my training.

Jason:

Bruce: Anyway I just wanted to check in on you since you weren't answering your comm... So how're you doing-

Jason slams the door but makes sure to answer bruce's calls for at least a month after this happened

He later notifies bruce that yes projecting his spirit to crime alley does infact count as visiting