graywensdays - Tumblr blog

[graywensdays]

I watch my food extensively,

afraid if I’m not watching a fly will get to it.

Paranoid, I have not always been.

My hands never hovered over everything.

Scared it would be wrongfully touched,

ruined.

When you have to chuck out perfectly good food because a fly landed on it,

It changes you.

Makes you watch out more.

To not have to experience loss again.

Then I remember there’s no flies in my kitchen.

There hasn’t been one in years.

Why can’t i revert my eyes?

Why am I still scared?

(This isn’t about flies)

[graywensdays]

I use to think

“I’m someone who did not die when they should have.”

I didn’t know where that feeling came from

I just felt as if I should have died when I was ten or so.

I think I know why.

I was assaulted by my own blood

But I blocked it out

And i think I felt as if I was already dead

As if the person I was before all that was dead

So maybe I did die when I was 10 just not physically.

[graywensdays]

I do every fucked up thing I can think of to myself,

Try to make myself sicker.

More obviously ill.

Yet no one cares to notice how close I am to dying.

I mutilate myself.

I starve myself.

I breakdown.

I feel nothing.

My blood turns a blind eye.

I’m pushed to the extreme,

Death.

Notice me please,

Notice how much I’m suffering.

Notice how much I’m not

Being, living, thinking.

Save me.

Love me.

Can’t someone love me?

They’ll love me when I’m dead,

Maybe that’s enough.

[graywensdays]

[graywensdays]

I wasn’t fed love from a silver spoon

For I had no spoons

And most definitely no love

Now I treat everything as if there’s a expiration date

Treat me like I’m nothing

I’ll savour being your nothing

At least I’m being treated

[graywensdays]

My mother never made her bed.

Yet I was expected to make mine.

My mother never listened to me.

Yet I was expected to always be an open ear.

My mother likes her tea bitter.

I like my tea sweet.

My mother didn’t solve her problems.

She passed them onto me.

I’m nothing like her yet without her there is no me.

I am drowning in the deepest body of water.

She stands on the shore, watching.

Its not about what she does,

It’s what she doesn’t.

[graywensdays]

[graywensdays]

[graywensdays]

I cut

I bleed

I wash

I repeat

A cycle is all it is

A cycle that’s hard to quit

It’s worse when I don’t bleed

When I have nothing to show

For thee ruin and wreck that is my skin

[graywensdays]

You haunt every picture frame

You’re my family of course you’re there

You taunt with your silence

I impulsively cut my hair

To be someone else

Someone who never smiled at you

Well she didn’t know what you’d do

You have lever’ over me

The one who forgets can’t be believed

[graywensdays]

TW

I only think about it when I make myself. I don’t know why I do it,

Maybe to feel something other than indifference about what happened to me.

When I remind myself it’s real I want to rip my lips off my face, I want to peel my skin off.

I feel like that a lot. Like every inch of me is burning. Like my skin needs to be removed.

What happened didn’t happen to me it happened to someone else entirely. I see pictures of myself years ago and it baffles me that I could ever of been that person. That I was the girl in those pictures.

I will never be that girl again, I will never be myself again. Not that I could ever pinpoint who or what I was. Somethings missing. Something that I can’t remember ever being there.

Maybe I held it for a moment, But it was quickly ripped away from me. Innocence? Peace? Sense of self? Normality? All of the above? I grieve the girl I was. If I think about her too long I end up unable to breathe. I dry heave at the thought of her small nose and large eyes. Her small hands. The nightmares. The pointless crying. The confusion we both have.

Sometimes I feel out of place. My limbs feel too long and awkward, where do I put them? By body is too big for every space I fill. Eye catching In The worst possible way. I wish I was still small, it was easier to hide from things then. I wish I could burn every memory of all the people who have destroyed me but I couldn’t burn my own skin.

[graywensdays]

2 months can feel like 4 weeks

One girl can feel like a black hole

One feeling can feel like my destiny

One bad day can be one bad life.

[graywensdays]

To love and fear something is alarming similar

I want to keep you forever.

(Is forever long enough for you to realise I’m broken?)

I wish to keep you safe.

(As well as from myself?)

I’d do anything for you.

(I love you so much it scares me)

[graywensdays]

I want to be small again, so small like a child. Worthy of protection and care. I feel big sometimes too big for my body.

Still that scared child who had their innocence and safety ripped away. I think I just want my inside to match my outside.

To stop feeling impure.

Like it was my fault.

It was my fault for being seen.

I need to shed this layer of skin and become a child again,

To redo my childhood.

[graywensdays]

even if life was perfect and everyone was happy I would still feel eons of pain and distraught.

It’s who I am. I will still wish for blood and death, and even on roller coaster days I will be bored to tears.

I will be sad on Christmas and angry at parties and nostalgic at carnivals.

[graywensdays]

I would rather be six foot under than six foot near you.

[graywensdays]